So if you're gonna put a ******* gun to my head, put a gun to my head. I'd understand why you'd feel the need to do it. And if it's money you want, I keep cash in my socks.
        So take my jewelry. Come to my house, the doors aren't locked so you can ******* rob me. I'd take my arm off and hand it to you if you wanted it badly. You can use force or you can take it gently. And If you want to **** me for it, go ahead and **** me. I don't need anything more than you do. Be a parasite, take my food. Cut my bag open, spill the contents. You can have whatever's in my pockets. Be a vandal, defile me. Be a thief, steal my identity. You can ask or you can just take it. I'm unimportant, but take my soul if you think it's worth it.

Hija morena
Con los ojos de lodo,
Y piel oscura de café con ron.
Los labios manchados rojos.
Pregunto,
-?Es sangre o vino?-
Me mira con los ojos podridos
Y dice,
-Lo que tu quieras-

----------------------------------------

Darker daughter
Eyes like mud,
Skin like black coffee and ***.
Her lips stained red.
I ask,
"Is it blood or just wine"?
She looks at me with rotting eyes.
Sighs,
"Whichever you want it to be".

and i am eleven again
feeling like tomorrow
is a couple yesterday's ago
smothered in cayenne pepper
hot enough to take off taste buds
and tonight i am eating a meal
only worth burning
it tastes like my parents anniversary
it tastes like a zinfandel
left on the counter too long
it's a bad story, see
there's no silverware
'cause my mom sold it
to keep the lights on
and somewhere in heaven
somebody in a suit
doing commentary
on this fiasco
is telling someone else
in a suit that
"you have to eat love with your hands"
so we sit, four plates on the table
for the two of us
my brother's long gone
dad's even further away
& he's not the one who's buried
i carry both their names like anchors
that i cannot unmoor from
while she looks at the empty table
and says something about the news
she says something else
but she's not talking
we aren't proud of this, see
my dad likes to wax his car
he's proud of it
and my mom says
she sees a lot of him in my hands
says, i touch the things i find
like they didn't belong
to people sleeping in the ground
she says i touch photo albums
the same way-
you know,
i never used to believe
that history could repeat itself
not until i could
fast forward seventeen years
and still wake up to smoke alarms
how i would go into our kitchen
to find it empty
and the dinner smoldering
& my mother in her bedroom
looking through family photos
like it's a just another summer day
and the sirens are just the birds
i don't ask, i never say a word
in this moment
i am an archeologist
afraid to dig up the past
cause history repeats itself-
you see
my brother is dead
and my father is gone
they have been for some years now
and my mother
sometimes forgets
and sets their place at the table
like they're still here
and in the confusion
ends up ankle deep
in pictures of how it used to be
she let's dinner burn
and douses it in red pepper
hoping i won't know the difference

My eyes roll back in my head.
Get the bad thing out. Just **** it.
Summoning or suppressing demons: Take a pill and swallow hard.
Have you ever lost control of your body before?

I wish what happened had made me bleed.
I'd like to bite down on something thick like raw meat and if it's my own tongue then so be it. Even if I could keep my big clumsy mouth shut i'd still ***** or cut my wrists up all over the carpet for attention. Look at me! Or past me. I'm not good at being ignored. Or I'm the best at it.... I'm a phantom in the sense that I'll make you uncomfortable but no ones sure if I'm even there or what the hell I'm still bothering them for. So if you're not going to see me for me, I'll pull a white sheet over my body and creep through your house in the dark. And if you're going to look my way with a guilty face then you might as well just keep your eyes shut. And I hope someday you can remember who I am. And well...., ******* for not seeing a good thing when you had it. Now haunting you is just another one of my bad habits.

It's been months now but
You still ask around, "Why'd he do it?" like there's no one to blame.

When I entered the house where the ****** took place, I was there for awhile before I felt the extra space. I saw his things. His belongings. His half eaten food. Halfway things he had half the intention to live through. I wasn't aloud upstairs where the body was found. You tell me you were home but you didn't hear the sound. You were tired, didn't hear it fire. Since you slept through the bullet, now you don't sleep at all. Every time you close your eyes you see the bullet hole.
 In an attempt to rest better, you went to the morgue to replace his ****** face with the peaceful one. Funny how angry he always was, this was the first time you'd seen him so calm. Maybe its not a shame that he's dead, maybe the shame is in the way he was living.
So stop asking why he did what he did.
He was just eleven when he brought the gun to his head. He was still a kid when you sent him to heaven.




////////////
She checked every phone, his search history, every conversation looking for a motive and she still can't find what pushed him over the edge. I knew how he'd do it. His fascination in guns was no coincidence. A reason arms do less good and more harm, expetially in the hands of the metally ill. I hope this is a reminder to tell everyone how much you love and appreciate them, he sure didn't hear it enough and you sure can't tell him now.

Everything's dull like a butter knife. I sit around for hours scratching my arms trying to make a dent. You can't cut yourself with a butter knife, can't create excitement this way. You'd pull a gun on yourself, or a fire alarm. Brain numb, an act of terrorism on your boredom kingdom. It's not fair to compare this to solitary confinement, but my mind has sure gone stagnant. I'm a sitting pond. I'm stale bread. I am sour milk. I am freckled with mildew.
 I am, quite simply put: stewing here.

////////////
You can be in a place so long it feels like fermenting. You can be in a place so long you forget that you're sitting.