I am happy to have you
let me inform- i don't feel love
i don't care love - i don't think love
it has no meaning for me
I can solve puzzles, and jigsaw's, equations
this- i cannot solve- despite my all mind
and heart; no capable
I will meet- once i am done
till, i wonder from here and there- with your sound and face

I left home when i was still young, and free
it didn't feel anything ever since
i hear stories of my homeland--of her occupants
the journey hasn't been easy
'home'--i felt, is void
it's at a different level; under new lights and dimensions
everything else migrate too, whales, fishes and all these beautiful creatures
but 'always together'
unlike them--i migrated alone,
mankind can't be together, too much divisions
too many things to separate from each of us; boundaries
communities, religion, region
language and culture
each thinking 'better than others'
'us vs them' thoughts that killed million
but i migrated..alone
thinking it's safe place--'earth'.
it is, in my mind..
yet i keep thinking
what am i supposed to do?
Where am I?
This old stubborn anxiety, of self-doubts paves a way in me
i see all passions, and dreams branching out of me
like a leaf from trees,
constantly tested by its fear..
my heart, but, resembles like a weak, trembling thing
that knows no way, to give up
which will define a new route for my life.

It always has me hooked; writing. The sentences, or concatenation of words. This sentence, writing about home; in a black canvas; but i don't feel anything. A doubt sets in. The terrible silence of blank paper, judging the every line i write here; makes me intimidated of its existence. I can see in my mind, i want justification of everything. A perpetual quest, i felt; since i discovered in me. From childhood. It's like there, existing within my existence. I was more used to writing, words; before--now, it's like changing phases; staying with nature--wish i had more time. Or I had more of life, in me---or wish i had the meaning of home;  a search for meaning. Those meanings that i lost, in my own meaningless. Every word betrays my existence.
Home is the silence; like a graveyard of memories--that never existed. Or a perfect illusion. In my mind, i created the delusion of perfect harmony; of home--a dear home. It never existed, or maybe it will exist in these white, horrifying silence of blank paper. In a dismal of time and space. This blank paper, or jumbled up words; is a testimony of home. All the fleeting answers, or the questions i had; are lost. In empty, broken mirror of home. Piercing thunder of these words, dark words--in a hope to feel meaning of home.

To a man, who suffered endless trauma to feed his sons needs
And exhausted his youth, to make his child --a better person
He spent most of his life alone
living in a shell of those box rooms--the smell of it dwells in his flesh; he goes there only to rest
often he wonder alone, he has forgotten those old lanes of love
it smells like a bygone dream
he only love in his imagination now, but bitter
reality keeps him in check
and his escape is only in his mind
he has seen all, felt all; and perhaps too much
even when he wants; he continues to be
letting the deep wave of life drown his presence
to swallow his mind, and brutality of life overcome him

And to that woman, who bears this separation and the dream of harmony
in her wild, warm breath
she quietly gives in her dream, to her social and emotional desires
compromising on her own happiness---to have her daughters happiness
her world revolves her little one, telling her stories of joys and the wonders of world out there
to protect her, from all the agony of life..

while i write this in my journal
i feel this strange ache in me, running like a cold yet shivering wave gushing
suffocating within its four chamber, time again and again
had made me realize, that just sometimes
'nothing is enough'
it crackles within, to embrace all this within, and this little heart
has gave up on me
in this journey of dreaming, capturing the wonders of the world
made my heart a little more weak..

and just now, when i write all this
i think of everyone, who once i had and lost
and to everyone, who i shared countless memories with
but what all those memories are for
even all this--i know, made and reshape me into a better person
within this better person, beats a little heart
that has gone weak.

there is nothing more hollow
then looking back to your own life
with a pinch in heart
moving on is a freedom that you've to make
as for nothing is real
nobody is there
i see my heart with an aching sight
with each of beating
it drowns more
in an aisle of despair
like slipping moments
moving one place to another
without any hesitation
i intend to leave this life
just so ******* scattered
i crave for peace
it feels too much to be in ones own body
it ******* hurts
like a needle in body

i am not gone
but i feel myself gone
truth is harder to tell but lying is cruel
being cruel is considered good
so is the lying ..

we crave for own space
this space in my heart that is shattered says
'write poems'
but my life tells me to go on
it's too painful to write your own story
and to rewrite the narrations of what you felt
it just feels too much
sometimes more than these words can describe
and i feel helpless
this heart...this my very heart
it feels so heavy
insisting of loading all the grief of this world
convicted of grief, pressure
all the mammoth madness
of this life
this hype that everyone talks about life
i just don't agree
as sometimes
i even lose the motivation to breath
this pain which is never just mine
but of living too much
for others!

for a time
and for a night
i felt these moving senses
everywhere, all over
thunders, roars of storms
anger, craving and sadness
its not a shared happiness
but a hideous bottle of despairs
insecurities, and human madness.
for a long time
bitterness stayed in
just around the corner
and at the edge of world
Like at tip of these fingertips
i sensed this quiet substance
as i began to fathom
the limitless of a human mind
consciousness of a lifeless vision
i starved within this body
to capture the sounds of knowledge
That comes with an instinctive awareness
as we become aware of this void
there is no end
as i see
there was nothing to say
only the haunting images
and words that destroy the perfect picture
beyond the spaces of our time
there exists the infinity of our existence
but to all this
i did not say much
but felt the human-shaped emptiness
that had been carved in me

my heart, you'll always long for
despite, I'm love bound
for you
regardless of where you are
I've been holding you for too long
tears never dry--my sweet love
everything is bright and lovely
and goodbye, my love
oh my darling
I chose to let you go off my mind
yet, my heart
you will always long for
because I am love-bound
these good-bye angles
kissing you gently
reminding you of our love and our undying spirit
it feels so unreal
but i know, i must move on
and this love bound heart
oh my darling, you will always long for
despite, its just I won't be there
to console you
anymore and any further

strange it is
to know
how strange people are
perhaps
I am one of them
as the music plays
my mind refuse to work
i miss our dance together
and that grin
on your face
that lit in your eyes, when you saw me
have i mentioned, my own strangeness
as the time pass by
i wait patiently, of my guilty pleasures
an empty bed, staring the screen
the sun sets, quickly
with all its good and gone
tomorrow will be another day
winter is chillier and cold
from distant, it looks like a romantic union
but to who, one might say
this setting has made me look more hollow
and like a thunder, i feel lightning in my soul
piercing in me like a needle
neither do i know what to do
nor do i care much
as it had to be like this
like a careless motion
a demon, that i so lovingly possess

I don't care much
would you mind
giving me your number
You look fab, tonight.
of which, I go
as I dance
in a midnight shadow
and this lurking image on me
the curse begin
of the pain, i felt
and the bitterness

i don't care much
disowning everything you ever knew
is of mighty courage
as i remove myself from all the subjects i ever read
subtracting to all the inheritances
of shallow practices and gaining attentions
with bleak sincerity

would you spend time with me
you are beautiful, lovely lady
these words, it doesn't reach to my ear
nor to my heart
I don't know why people fall in love
with a hollow shadow
or maybe they find solace
in not being noticed
in these naked nights
i sleep all my time
keeping myself too busy
to think much
as i don't care much

I have no ******* idea
why was i doing
of what i did
you can call it
whatever
in my heart
i know
this is darkness crawling into me
I hurt my morals
my values
and I freed myself
from pain,
bitterness
to an untying knot i had
I let it go
selfish friends
meaningless acquaintances
from the past, from gone memory
i erased them
they met only in their need
used, only while they wanted
to them
i look like a shining star
with intellect
i took them
as my heart, my attention
with all sincerity
it doesn't matter
because i can't begin to notice anything

it is not enough
its never enough
it will never be enough

to this moment
now and afterward
it matters nothing
as with a heavy heart
i moved on

we all have our dark sides
sometimes, it turns us
black, cold
complete shallow
and hollow
sometimes, it drown us
and i wonder about my values,
my morals, my beliefs
where did they all go?
Is it a curse
or might it just be my own escape?
this darkness, that i feel
it made me loose myself
and i let it go
of my past, of my bitter realities
as i give myself
to people,
and to all people, of all kind, and race
its not even me
i do realize
yet i can't think more
as i dont know who am i
my heart sinks
and sometimes a lot
just in this moment
when i feel at loss
not feel like moving anymore
and i wonder
why i had to let go?
is it better than before?
this loneliness
that i wont tell
is something more of a soul
and heart
I guess, i just don't enjoy much
this world
or people
and maybe
o my darling, this just my too many thoughts
this darkness, that i feel
and it has no restrictions
as it drown me
completely.

Last night
I saw a boy
Standing, leaning back, gloomy and lost
As if he lost something precious
Something that was closest to his heart
Drunk and sunken eyes
With no identity
And I wondered, what's in his mind?
What's that keeps him distant
Distracted and aloof
To the world
Where everyone strives to be
He didn't look at me, nor did he speak to me
As I walked away
I felt his pale face, his sunken eyes and lost soul
I wondered of his belongings
Is he like me too?
A drifter, a nomad
As wherever I go, I carry this restlessness
And wherever I am, I no longer feel home
That boy, he reminded me of my own escape
My running away
From everyone,
to comfort people by being distant
He was lonely, despite being surrounded by people
And shy, trying to be present
When his soul was drifting elsewhere
As I walked away from him,
I still wondered what he did with his life?
As I write this, in a coach station
My mind ask a million questions
Am I doing worthwhile doing?
Last night, I felt my reality facing me
An escape, feeling many goodbyes
Numbing the pain,
Hoping not to feel it.
I wonder, does anyone feel same as I felt for that boy?
Despite that, like that of boy
I'm unable to see, or hear
But I still wonder
Am I doing anything worthwhile doing?
I hear nothing back in response.

Gabriel asked the Prophet
'read', prophet who God crowned with a prophethood
of being last
replied 'I cannot read'
Prophet wrapped himself with a warm blanket
Khadija the prophet's true love said
You are God's chosen one
since you are all sincere, honest
and never do wrong to His people.

this, what is wrong with today's people
never seeking to learn
or read
knowing they know everything.
so they can **** anyone
in the name of God
they **** innocent people
and yet, the response is
'we **** infidel's
who are the infidels?
You and i are not God
It is for the God to decide
who's the most kind of all

The Sunni Muslims have a story to tell they're better than shia Muslims
and shia' have defensive tale to say, 'they are less honored one'
it's all politicized matters
not the religion
the crusades of islam is not about religion
but the gaining of power
who's going to lead after the Prophet's  death?

even the prophet himself narrated 'he's mere human being
who God blessed with might

God says, love thee people
as I love you the best
I'm closest to you, even more closer to your own heartbeat
no other will love you, as i how love you

I felt the longingness
this hunger, and the strike to do well in life
even though, i no longer am with people
who i thought to be my people
it feels so odd and out of place
most of the time
since i can't begin to tell
how truly i feel

i learned to unlearn
my roots, and inheritance
how hard it is, to defy
what you knew for your entire life

I learned to be with people, without needing them
and saying, 'goodbye's, when I didn't want to
since nothing is real
nobody is here for real
only the matters, and interactions with each other
will define
the true identities of us

it doesn't hold true to people, who share Islamic faith
but, the Christianity, Hinduism, or Judaism
or another religion
in any other region of the world

As of my utterance, i don't trust people with establishments
and people, running the show

In Pakistan, the land where i was born
nobody cares for anyone, whether they leave
or stay
even if somebody dies
people stay inhumane, insensitive about most of the things
but the focus is too much on religion
even the moral conduct
is not so right

At the edge of my state, when i utter this i feel erked
and awkward
low in spirits or perhaps
i don't feel anything, at all.

When the Abraham was asked to 'sacrifice'
his beloved son, 'Ismail'
he without defying
obliged to Gods will
God, in his dutiful obedience
replace Ismail with a lamb
to fulfill the traditions, Muslims each year
follow the Abrahams traditions
when people slaughter million of animals
in name of God which has merely became a mockery
of 'sacrifice'

The day i left my house, i felt truly abandon
and so, the time when i left my friend's house
who i visited only before leaving
I thought to myself, this will never be filled
and it didn't
even after many years afterward
I stand in my nomadic spirit
without owning anything
or have anything in mind, to occupy anything

This world, as i see
is a mere transition period
where we meet people
of all race, and kinds
from all regions , and faith
but it doesn't give us any upper or lower hand
to justify anything, whatever we feel
or think.

As it is not for me to decide
or others to judge,
by other people's religion, or region
color, race, kind

There is no place in Quran that says, hate people
from other religion
nor it says, to defend your faith
when people attack you.
The rising Islamphobia and hatred
for the muslims,
in response, all the muslims could say,
'Islam is a religion of peace'
a defensive approach, again and again
not wiling to understand
it's not for you to defend your religion
your faith doesn't need you, it's you, who needs it
for your own purity, to perserve the innocence
and the feeling for others
when others fail to do

God says, 'Surely there are signs in this
for those of you who would reflect'
to me, its a comforting zone
I derive my pleasure in this
but there are so many people out there, interpreting the verses
in their own perspectives.

Upon the reasons, i feel it's necessary to challenge yourself
your mind, your readings
learnings
inheritances
wisdom and all the knowledge you acquired over the years

we don't acquire knowledge in order to boost
but to be better,
and to understand the reasons

I was named by the 'Moons light, that means moonlight which is poetic
and referred as 'beautiful'
I am not sure who named me, as i remember my childhood
a very quiet, deserted and lonely one
it wasn't tragic but disturbed


I have erased my memory and the corners of heart, that used to feel mighty heavy
for so many things
the betrayals, insincere
and lack of resistance shown by people
i left everything behind me

When Ishaq's sons took Yusuf
he cried most of his times, till the point
he lost his sight which he regained by seeing Yusuf's
he was betrayed by his own brothers
only to gain their father's attention
they tricked Yusuf
which he survived regardless

the betrayals are hard to forgive or even remove
and the cultural hindrances, resistant obstacles

it's been a while since i felt home
anywhere
and even when I'm home
i feel the distant memory of my own self
which was innocent

I'm Mahwish, and it means 'beautiful like moonlight
my life will reflect the meaning of my name, someday
and till then
I continue to live.

I
do you think you can sleep?
when you see a girl, a little girl
being bombed in her own house
losing her toys
her beloved brother
wake me up
when the war ends
and the suffering go away
I was told, I am too sensitive
you make it too personal
I don't know how does it feel?
What does it look like exactly?
I plagiarize the thoughts, of people being silent
I listen to their thoughts
and heart,
flooded with heaviness
just like how it is mine, sometimes
or should I say most of the times
I'm sick of news
I am sick of the content media plays
again and again
of the pictures, showing young kids losing their lives
even if that little girl sleep
do you think she'll be able to sleep well?
Or will she dream?
our reflection is not shown in the mirror
like that little girl
I can’t dream
nor can i can sleep well
it is true, indeed


II
tell me, when the war ends
or tell me it has
I don't like prosing
but the grief asked me, to write more
even when I know
it makes no difference, as yet
it only makes me more sad
to see my emotions
floating just like a rhythm
it's been a while since I stopped writing
I stopped writing poems
I write in a language which people don't understand
all they say, 'i am too sensitive'
I need 'therapy', i should have come with 'an instruction pamphlet'
to deal with me
as they say, its not easy being with me
so there it is, they left, just like that
without any explanation, without any consolation
but I can't care more of this
since its difficult

III
truth is harder to tell
every year, there's more to lose
and more to let go.
yet, I write
I am compelled to
even though, nobody wants to hear you out
the anguish inside
crackling inside your bones
some days my heart beats very fast
and I can hear it
even then I stay helpless
at the mercy of the people losing so much of themselves
yet, nobody does anything
including myself
it’s a consolation reward
for being a human
in a world
where sympathy is ‘weakness’
this wasn’t me
this isn’t me, I grew up
more and more compassionate
feeling too much, thinking too much.
I cry as often, as most people
would even think of anything
of all the love, and the care
this static visions and imaginary world
hard to watch, the scars and wounds
with so much broken, wretched life’s
and the lies that establishments make
should I stop trusting people
yet I don’t
and I realize
I’m just so full of *******
since the body, I’m in
feels too much
even I’m not directly involved
I can bury my past and I have
to all the people
who didn’t want me to be in their life
as I quietly left

IV
It takes courage to tremble
and be weak
I left the therapy
and the needing thing
all I understand
how not be in a world of ‘how to be
breaking hearts or law
or the promises
they're all same, equally worse
we have to create our own destiny
its louder than war
or violence
and I know, I will
just like that
with each time I feel my heart sinking
I get motivation
to stand up for all the people who can’t
to be a voice of all the million people who can’t speak
even if I feel far away,
know, I am not gone
I am just tired of the feelings that I feel
and it’s the very thing
you will remember me of
this kindness and genuineness
it will be a symbol of my life
maybe, I will sleep well then
or so does that little girl
spreading love and hope
kind of life we led
and not intending to stay back here
where it just feels too much.

I fooled myself
by saying
i don't need anyone
i care the least
in this thick smoke, in dim light
i feel my heart sinking
of knowing my misery
what do i need?
why do i fool myself?
i get myself fooled
these conversations are not as bare
they are not plain
it's taking out of me, myself
this very essence,
i am loosing
suppose we get married
than what?
how do i face whats bound to happen
i can't tackle the pressure
the social, cultural
doesn't make sense to me
i listen, regardless
since my soul, is interlinked with yours
my heart, your heart, are two deep lovers
an ancient story
where we built our hopes
it's not taking us anywhere
not to me..
each time when i see your face
it reminds me of my helpless
i get myself fooled
thinking i can bear anything
by telling myself
i'm strong
when in real
it's opposite.

I feel trouble in my heart
trouble in my mind
tell me, 'what to do'
I'm expecting to see him
once more
tell me, how do i avoid myself
these demons; who do i confide in
Am i killing myself?
these words keep coming to me
side by side, even the friends don't turn up
as much as they do
but i don't know
there's a trouble in my heart
it's worrisome
some men don't think that way
they don't bother
I'm drown in my sorrows
and i know not to swim
i drink away all my thoughts
like a madman
the nights went into days and days turn into nights
in an abyss of my restless souls
of him, keeping in my mind
the sleepy boy, his fearless body
that ties me to him
how do i explain
what do i feel for him?
i carried him, in all these years
like an ache
There's a trouble in my heart
trouble in my mind
I find solace nowhere
i'm my own's foe
who should be feared
I wish i was immune
to myself, to my demons
to this great love
I feel
tell me, my friend
how do i beat this spirit in me?
I feel trouble in my heart..
and nights went into pure chaos
like a rhytm
i fell in it
like a profound agony.

about ten thousand images
i whirled
like a madman
and here, i am
crying with my lost soul
knowing not--whats the real and false of me
i know not
of any whereabouts of my dwelling
and of my mind
about ages and craving of heart's despair
i longed for images
that locked my heart for ages
and like a ruthless spirit
my mind seeks you
imagining it's the heave it sought
in a moment of pure complex
and divinity
i looked for you
not knowing its my heart
where you lived--
like a real inhibitor

and about here and there
i went
my mind found peace nowhere
but at remembrance of yours
in each bits
i drew circle and circles
without knowing
i'm the one revolving around these
without you being there.

what i felt with him,
i felt with none
and what i feel
for him,
i feel nothing more
for anyone
other than ***** eyes
over my body
awaiting to be licked and pressed
but he was none other than my own idea
of love
and of being loved
his were nothing but
women
and other women
wanting him more and more
out of desperation
i feel nothing
other than him

2015

When I had my death
I kept my life on bedside table
and it continued to appear in front of my barren eyes
Chapters of sorrows and regrets
came over
and over
verses of sadness and remorse's
fell again and again
ahead of my dark image!


Night, outside was dark
thick, foggy, cold
inside, the life was
getting cold
freeze and thin

I tried to ran away,
to escape myself
from this pain, from this agony of coldness
by throwing a blanket on
my dying body
but
death approached me
with fast steps and caught me

I saw its face, full of disgust,
and dark with blood on its flesh
all over!


I shouted and shouted
I screamed and screamed
but no sound came
No hands came, no wonder happen
And I quietly
let the death embraced me
in that very night!!

-2009-

if i were to write a history
of today's mankind
i will tell it
like a story
a fiction--people like fiction
they don't want themselves to be told
how ugly they are, sometimes
they don't want themselves to know
how cruel they are, to each other
most people
they are not bothered
of what other feel
and occasionally
and very often
people are left on their own
it doesn't matter
people are senseless
like a jeopardy
even their own existence
is a mirror of complete lie
but don't tell
it'll offend them greatly
don't try to reach out to people
and for some people
it's never enough
whereas there are people
in this world
who die out of hunger
thirst, human cruelty
let us first satiate ourselves
our greed, our appetite
nothing is enough
I'm a stranger
who wonders here and there
i don't recognize people
they judge, regardless
pointing fingers of how aimless i'm
i let myself be an aimless
looking at their gigantic ignorant feeding
this world is too big of a play
of people's games
if i were to write a history
i will form it into a story
of every mankind's state of misery
and mystic going
side by side

I don't write
because I've to write
I write because writing comes to me
I have to write
because i know the language of writing
it comes like a thinking pattern
it compels me
it seduces me
in this bizarre wave
like a drunk
i have no sense to lose myself
So i write
this writing is addicted to me
like a moth attracted to light
I on other hand
avoid, neglect
like a cruel lover
invoking passions in many hearts
and i break them
thinking in minds, that i crush
it's like a disease
and this blank page
it haunts me
night and day
and i fill it up
sometime i burn
sometimes i throw it away
i never read
in a sheer angst
i write
without thinking
it's thinking of it's own
we can't remember
how it started
this great journey comes to me
like a meaningless quest
and sometimes
or most of the time
i think about it
and when I'm not
I surrender myself to these words
who seem to be my only friend

write
sometimes only for words
for language, for nature
for beautiful things
like sunset, sky
smiles, heartfel conversations
sitting with strangers
feeling the air..
touching these objects
knowing the feel
of being alive
true and bright
there's no meaning
people don't worth your attention
they don''t see
they don't care
don't be like a world
they are running
like a circle
it doesn't take them anywhere
this something---they are not aware of
in their own race
they cry every minute.
knowing the truth in their heart
living a life
to please the world..
don't be good or bad
you will be judged nevertheless
it doesn't matter
when you find a story
it'll be a treasure
this story will transform whoever will read
meaning--of a complete notion of wonderful idea's
and those words.
they will be imprinted in hearts
of feelings...
mind, of a thinking one
for years to come
it will reflect a true reflection
of your own story
living in senseless times of greed
and power!

I am a narrative
of my own dictionary
there's nothing i need to keep it adorned
as i rarely see much of the world
other than nature
and the beautiful smile's
warm eyes
visionary minds
people don't fascinate me
shallowness
hollow mind's with greed to overcome
i let it be..
i'm not competing
to the world

it doesn't subtract me from my living
nor does it take me to its world
as i use my own words
undefined
careless and without of matter..

there's no subjection
or objection
i'm my own subject
there are dreams
I allow myself to be me
as i move here to there
one moment to other moments
i'm complete in this existence
i use words to rewrite me
when i'm removed by people
their thoughts, their wantings..

I choose not to be
as i read my own mind
I know i'm a quiet being
with no specific need.

i have to tell you
I remember
even the misty sounds of silence
deep glimpses of your eyes
there are times
when i am surrounded by images
sounds, voices
mystery and strange
i dont let anyone know it
like a great fictional memory
i remember
even the alphabets used in dialogues
so were the syntax of statements
this sun strike me
like a bus hits a man
a vagabond
of it's own
i'm like this
wondering on my own
to escape myself of the voices
and the sounds
visions
there are times
i hardly even bother to read
my mind becomes my diary
these alphabets become
my love life
so i solitary i keep them
without a need
to define.

I won't let you speak me
There's too much in my mind
and i won't let you read
you don't have to be anything
i won't have to taste it
i will taste it
even if it taste so bitter
and i'm so on my own.

i'm back on my own
with my black and white
and i don't know where to call my home
i'm my own home
i'm my own shelter
i don't have to be anyone
to be accepted
i don't have to be anywhere
to be seen
they know I'm here
true and kind

if you will call
i won't let you mind
this distance is fine
and i know you can't care
I've no heart to care
there's no big deal
i don't want you back

And I am fine with that
i don't have to pretend that i care
reminding myself of my lost mind
all my wasted energy
as i don't care
any less or more

there's too much in my mind
i need to speak
but i don't have time
as i've no heart
i had to see how you not bothered

I am so amazed
these changing colors
it's summer here
the sunshine is keeping me warm
i was cold in my own fire

did you see it
as i see you not noticing anything
you didn't see me leaving
there was too much in life that you wanted to keep
other than I,
so i didn't mind
your mind won't let you leave my thoughts.

But i won't care
i don't pretend.

every moment he was my child
it seemed he left me for another woman
those women; he complained were his companions
he felt solidarity
and that night---i lose myself of me
once more
he belonged to none, but myself
i wish i could paint him
there're no colors; i find solace
the tangible form and intangible idea's
i draw images in my mind with him being together
where no other women existed
and all this madness
i inherited in loving him too much
bit of anguish, a bit of longingness
and still craving for his touch ..
yet i wouldn't speak of this love
or sleep or hear
i know in your silences; i lost myself
with all the beatings of your heart
i possessed all the grace, and your light
occasionally i set myself apart from you
but i lost myself, to another woman
and each of your women, i lost every more of myself
it wasn't the greatest of the sadness
till i know
there is no love force in me
and in this confusion, you went away
to another woman, and to your women
all over you..
i would write you , in my each of letters
and in my alphabets and syntax of broken language
but i lose the power to write
to the force, i feel inward
and with every little of myself
i lose myself more of me,
and little by little,
i crave for you more
and i think of you in grandeur of this world
in hustle bustle of love
i think more of my great love
As i realize, the loneliness
is my greatest companion
and i'm the one, who belongs to loneliness
ahh, you shouldn't have let me go
this loneliness has gone over me
and yet, your women wouldn't leave you
making me see the loss of myself
every little while
this silence remind me of my greatest love
it reminds me of our possessed share
where there was everything but loyalty
in veiled colors
it seems i can't get over the days
of you being together with me
but your women came along
you felt consoled and you felt at ease
giving yourself to them
while keeping me in heart, you gained those women's attention
everything so untouched, and so distant
i feel my love more moving
close, and intense
your gazing is still over me
and i wish i could touch the sun
and sky, and stars
my heart, perhaps would feel at ease
perhaps i could adopt them
as my child ....as you were my own,
a piece drawn from me
but you were, another women's
those women were your face, your mind
and your life
but your heart...i touch your heart
even i feel this great warmth in me
moving for you, craving for you
i wouldn't still be your woman
and in him,
i felt a sharp pain of being a woman

beware of the word love
it will haunt you
like an addict parent
or a missing brother

put everything aside
and follow
what desires you the most
even if it tastes
like a sour madness

and beware of them
who follow love
and asks for love
in return
for deceiving
and uttering shallowness

take instructions
as they have no other way
other to juggle you
in worst form

loneliness is not crime
being lonely
with people who claim to love
is the worst of all

better be alone
spread your wings
and fly
like a free spirit

we are unlucky
only when we think
of our bad luck
but think
of all the beautiful things
like nature
and wind
birds
oceans
and children

they make me smile
even i no longer want
we are all adolescent
living in a trapped minds

beware if somebody says
you are beautiful
your face doesn't define the nature of your beauty
it is for who you are
with your flaws
and with your rawness
imperfections

let everything fall apart
if it wants
and be what you want to be

follow your dreams
and fly as if you know nothing else

how i loved you
it will be like this
putting your heart into a box
hoping it transform with its force--like a real jewel box
the shy sweetness of your eyes---i have longed to forgo these glimpses
i craved you out of my miseries
i looked for you
in my hallucinations
i have desired you
even when i felt nothing else
in life after life
in moments to moments
yet nothing leads me to you
your ways are distracted
your mind is too dreadful
in my most innocent forms
and shapes
i have loved you
like a real spell
it's an old pain --like of an old age
being together or apart
you held me in most bewildered shapes
in your most captivating ideas
i had longed for your soul to wrap around mines
i had longed for your eyes to give its insight to mine
i had longed for your mind to speak through mine
in a most timeless manner
i executed everything
and have felt the most distressful pain in my swelled up heart
my body aches --my heart trembles
my sulking eyes do not shed any more tears
they are afraid of the loss that it feels
you emerge in me like a son to her mother
like a rainbow in rain -- i had loved you in my most worst times
in ways i cannot describe
all my words fall short
while reflecting how truly i feel
my mind goes numb
my soul rejects everything
and i stare on you
looking at your bewildered ways
of deceiving, of your ideas and of your norms
your tribes and your so-called values
they fail to reflect you of a character
of which, i hold the best

if i tell you of the ways
you will not be yourself anymore
you will fall trapped by the darkness that you left on me
at the heart of another, by eyes of another
you will lose the way out -- you will find no where
even if it gives everything; you still fall behind
you became an image
that my mind adored---my heart craved
both past and future
present and lost ---my heart has made love songs out of separations that it felt
the memories merging into one another, the love madness cherishing it like a mother
you are no more than bewitching idea
yet i can't keep myself away, from your thoughts
from your memories, from your heart
as if it knew nothing else--other than yours
in so many forms
i became formless
creating a charm of another mind--the daughters and sons of love
but if i tell you
clad in the dark spot of heart-- it no longer desire knowing you anymore
and i will let my heart spill out
in ways and ways-- of speaking its force
to be safe till it desires least of you in every bit of time!

why do we love
why do we care
does that really mean anything
time never halts
nor the movements
yet we stop ourselves
from life
and of nature
do we really mean when we leave?
how do we love so much
that even after years, it never fade away
yet we hold onto our dreams
and our bitter realities
little do we speak of our dark souls
those sour memories
and our forgotten faces
we move on
with bits and pieces
do we really move on without any care?
and think; we cease to care
even when all we did is to hold and cry
for our love!
do we really mean anything?
yet we all read; and we all become writers
in our lost of our love
and sadness!

it all began with genius
of head and heart
without any senses
where thoughts did not match
with those existences
and minds went to wonder
fitful and cruel with all its speed..
where nothing floats
and warmth of seasons
of bitter love..
my heart spell profoundly for you
as if it didn't circulate before
there is an ache
it feels no pain still
such a love it is
and i am known to be careless
directionless
time exit when you exist around me
wondering will i be able to live?
and i summon up
all my hopes; and my love
pitiless and highly drenched
my sorrows
parched with your memories
words, senses and madness of deep lyrical love
and i stare
senselessly, waiting
in this darkness of love
and of my soul
you become an image
whom i once held precious
time prove again
of my delusional heart-- and that love!
wistfully i think
of all the passages that could halt
this love!
its distressing to know
the times cruelty
we loved without any mercy
it carried the worst madness
of this time; and of my love!

i don't do poetry
because i want to look intellectual
well-read
intelligent, thoughtful
or impress
people by my words
or take anyone's attention
i do poetry
because i am often alone
left alone
all and out
on my own
to submerse within my own
i crave for existences
no one appears
all stay distant
like a thoughtful absence
i have no harm
confessing in need
words are too deaf to make any sound
other too busy listening to
other songs
of other people
they must be harmonious
cheerful and dedicated
mines too glum
too sad
as i refused to give up
nor to be brainstormed
i go on my own
so i live like this
yet poetry comes to me
like a bereaved friend
it's with me when i sleep
it's there when i laugh
even though
i try to avoid of it's comings and goings
poetry's intensity sits in my heart
like a fog in early morning
but i am not sure
what to do with it
how to keep it
will this stay like an adjourned bond
poetry exists through me
like a thread in fabric
cutting every little piece within me
and i hear
'what a thoughtful presence'

dearer to me than my heart
dearer to me than my soul
and i bleed
I lose
with my heart and soul
Inflicting pain, sorrows
griefs -- endless remorse

Once my homeland was pure
it was freed from blood
******, insensitivity
once my homeland was free of evil inhabitants
sorrows multiplied a thousand fold
gathered in pain-inflicted tears
with lump in throats
distant from your presence
i cry-- for your loss

On the rooftops of tragedies, my heart sink more
like an orphan, an abandoned child
my homeland bleeds
i scream within
i feel the abandonment

dearer to me than my own voice
dearer to me than my own eyes
and i am silent
I am blind
losing my sight, losing my voice
as my voice can't reflect the pain i feel
my eyes can't cry any more
reflecting ocean of deprived

once my homeland was free of pain
people were safe
we running like rivers
do not say it
our country was a flesh in body
now it is a dead body amongst many flesh
forgotten the promises
forgotten the true colors
in the name of revenge, we humiliate humanity

my intention is not to write poems
in my soul, i embrace nights long
this land absorbed wounds, tears
blood, fights, and many martyrs
who are forgotten
my country is our hope
we are growing in broken shadows
this siege is waiting us to drown us
in the middle of lonesome warrior

nobody can feel in absence of love
who are incapable to feel
to take, to absorb
love require us to cry, to embrace
today our homeland is deprived
abandoned, bleeding

she is under siege
as we forgotten to love
we deprived her of her loyalty
we deprived her of her love
we deprived her of her true lovers

My homeland I feel your pain
in my heart I carry all with me

the one i love
is not with me
i don't cry nor i discuss
melancholy stays with me
night and day
whats melancholy?
is it the pain of heart
or sadness of soul
i trade with both
there's too much
we move on
not knowing the whereabouts

life rolls on and on
like a roller coaster
why do i write
despite i feel empty
so hollow
i don't even think i am living
i feel non-existent
a memory a hallucination
of a loved one
of being loved
yet these words comes like a lava
waiting to erupt

we are too busy
living a dream
not ours'
but everyone else's
to keep everyone happy
to ensure they stay with us
they don't
nobody does
we are often accused for being too cruel
too corrupt

yet we all live
like a standby picture
as if we have been waiting for time
to embrace us
to befriend us

the little pains and our sorrows
i wanted to get rid
but sorrows know how to swim
it's all around me
its all over me
its all on me
and the one i love
is not with me

I carelessly look into time
without any quarrel
knowing how irrelevant everything seem
possessing little power
or almost very meager
its forbidden to feel
but the temptation is divine
we are birds
that needs to fly
magnitude of life takes us all
i carelessly examine my body
with thick sheets of disappointments
yet i hold onto my nerves
trying not to fail again
entrance is too thick
and my longings are too big
return with time
i long to be sought
but there is too less time to feel
it is forbidden
to cry your heart out

dont love me back
i am not one of you
my spirit is elsewhere
so is my mind
don't keep me awaiting
your heart can't possess me
it's like holding rain
not to be sure
where to be, how to go
i am running with my masters best field
the best is never to expect
they are all good for their own
do not hold back
spirits can't hold each other
you all have mastered your soul so much
i no longer reside within
all the seasons look same to me
all the faces seem similar to me
they are all seasonal faces  
don't seek me back
my mind can't be sought by yours calculated means
my heart doesn't understand the worldly takes
all it knows --the reasons to care!

at the end
we all have to get back
where we belong
our origins, our belongings
our sadness
our metaphors
our collective joys
despite who we become
how do we chose our path
or who we live with
we all get back to our shells
our homes
it is where we feel we are eternally bonded
halfheartedly or fully present
it matters nothing
where you go
how you love
our withered bones, our sulkied skin
we are going down there
with our souls farther from us
and bodies frozen with time
it won't matter who gave us too much pain
or whether they understood
us; or cared enough for our sorrows
even if they were scornful
it wont matter
as if it's going somewhere else
touching upon each bit of your skin
soul, heart and mind
despite with time
it will fade away
even if how tearful your heart might be
or how much you went through
in such miserable times
this too shall not matter
as nothing came with us
nothing will go with us
all our heartbreaks, all our sadness
our deep aching of soul
our craving or longing of souls
mind's thirst to embrace the mindful thoughts
we are all at the end
going back
going on and back
like a circle
even this it feels
like a syntax of randomness
but it isn't really so
as it is what we really have
in the end
how we made it through
how we chose to love
and live
amidst all the odds; all the flaws
all the imperfections
and with all our sadness, sorrows
griefs--how we embraced
ourselves
when nobody else did.

dead man walking
another footsteps
i am afraid to feel
within soul
let's be quiet
or else they will hear
you don't want yourself to get in trouble
we find trouble anyway
not many know
we are all dead man walking
carrying the skeletons
colored with flesh
lets take it somewhere
feeling cold
nowhere to go
the dead man walking too close by
i hear his footsteps
awaiting to catch
his face reminds me of hurt
he is there always in my heart
not too small
its carrying me around
wherever he goes
like a big boy
i am afraid
his presence makes my heart heavy
i want to close it down
forgetting where he lives
wish he takes exit
for good!

am i home
am i home
am i home
can you see
can you see
can you see
let me know
if you can
let me know
if you can find
let me know
if you can feel
lets embrace the changes
lets face the challenges
don't mind keep going
make a chance with the world
it is not to take seriously
or else
you will have another heartbreak

shhh
they will listen
don't make noises
what will they think?
you cry
even in this spirit
they must not know
you are like a fool child
who cry each time
why do you have to be so problematic?
can't you just behave?
i must not hear a word any further
that's an order!

this is not your playground
where you could be whatever you want
go and sit in your room
i shouldn't see wondering around
nor should i hear anymore
complaints about you
neighbors have been complaining
of your ill-remarks, of your illogical presence
don't think i am absent to any of your activities
do you realize how ashamed am i to have you!
you should not bring bad to my name
or i cut your legs
and i must separate you
as you neither deserve respect nor credentials
you don't know how to respond
look at others!
How well they behave; have you seen them crying?
they perform so well
they all outrun and excel
look at you, your ***** manners
little grumpy fellow !
I must warn you
before you get more spoil
you will be denied to any outgoing activity
if i receive a complain from another source
you are gone
wipe your ******* eyes
and these crocodile tears
nobody will going to buy you for your tears!
Remember you scoundrel
in life
you have to be your own
realize it
before it gets too late
and i must again warn you
this is all fools tricks!

come
and take this way
come let's bury our hearts
let's collectively build the memorial
of 'good one's'
who lost too soon
come and let's prepare a speech
we must know
what we speak to them
we must ensure we all did care very well
it's god's will
who can change the destiny
come and let's not speak to anyone
about our games
we must bury soon
before the wounds open up again
to catch us up
do not be afraid
nobody will get to know
the dead body won't come up rising
come
and take this way
let's bury our souls
collectively
we must mourn
to make others believe
we all took care of the matter very serious
it's only
we couldn't stop the happening
we must surrender
on god's will
let's bury
and forget it soon

i dont know much
i can't recall
either
nor do i understand
too good or too less
the swaying away
or staying firm
i don't remember
the going
or coming
even or odd
head or fall
is it the winters game
or falls season
there's no alternative
no going back
i dont!
dancing away with the pain
and joys
i dont remember much
as my memory can't trawl back
it cease to be !
in the moments of downfall
if my wings could fly
or date back to time's origin
we never know who, what
and why
i never sought
too consumed to think
hanging on
around and around
there
here
like a clock's tic tic
now i sit
without substance
just like this
avoiding a narration
that it hurts like a knife in heart
stabbed deep
so deep

don't die
we all need you
you are too good
it doesn't matter to us what you feel
we don't think
about you
nor do we care about it
don't give us despair
you are mad--full of craziness
we don't understand anything
but too good
your actions make us want to have you more
like an addiction
we do take your presence for-granted
we believe we have a right on you
you let us think this
so we do it
we don't see your tears
we don't feel your thoughts
it doesn't matter to us
i told you we are all indifferent
but i assure
we all need you
you bring us good
you do us good
you make us feel good
yet perhaps we are not able to do same
because we can't
if we will
we fear of losing you
who will we have for free?
such a good deal
who leaves!
We don't..so we don't bother
about you
for you
don't expect
are you listening me?
you can't die
you are too good
who will make us feel good
if you die?
don't think we will cry
our lives will still continue to go on
unlike you
who stops and cry for everyone
don't expect us
we are all indifferent.

some days you are less likely to feel anything
as if there is a bizarreness sitting in you
like infinite stars in every inch of you
exploding in you, with you
and you are burning too bright
like an erupted lave
with all sort of exposure
looking at you directly
facing you--arguing with you
and some days you feel
your whole body is eaten up
as if somebody nurtured all the energy from you
such days are the blessings
so are the other days
and some days it is equally impossible not to feel small
as if nothing will appear
the spaces between atom and cells
you will feel too delicate to go on
each of your cell feels invisible
easily blown away
fragile vulnerable weak
and some days you feel tough
too tough to break anything
anyone..
as if you are made of strength
that holds you up
made up with character, vision
mind and thoughts
that are not breakable
as if they will build you up, like of building blocks
sensitivity and too much being alive makes it for you
feeling more than human
and you feel infinite, mesmerized and eternal
forever.

such alone-some time
i feel
in my heart
my heart is like a machine
that never ceased
my eyes shut
sleep is shattered
the midnight dream
this little whim
all a messy thing

II
I hated people spoke
words are not the medium
but a reflection
shrunk heart's;
memorial of harshness
nothing persists
but some madman's roar
they cared only what they had
i am unaware of my state
in good humor
my heart listens to the world's lost glory

III
that blue sky, a dreamer's passion
flower like of red, pale, purple
such soft and beauty
thorns with them- and they die too
sobs my little heart within me
my mouth is quite
i am of depth; like of an ocean's
might and profoundness
such passions !
I despise them all
pale face; dim lips- grey eyes
colorless theme all around
my life like a motion picture
without of ******, or an end
Of its beginning i couldn't recall
recalling has been too ******* my mind
despite still, i could still spot them
one by one
and could believe it never came through me

IV
Counting and calculation are not my natural traits
i still am nature's most gifted soul
i blink, and i start crying
without tears, without care
i am diminishing little by little
tree holds too many leaves; those leaves reminds me of my rejections
reminiscent of my worn-out love
all your beauty, all your wits, all your profound speeches
i wish to believe them to be true
truth adores me, truth comes to me
like a weary emotion
whatever i write, i couldn't bother to read again
such tiredness in me
i don't plan any written stuff, or care about any stanza's; or any grammar
pain don't know language- its a hearts lost freedom
where our souls are its captive
since long
my idle state- my idealism, and my dreamy world- i long to be in there
reality is too big enough for me to take
i am solo in my ride

V
freeze, frozen- cold statue
a little gift you all brought while you appeared
with you, took away my pieces of sacred heart
claiming to having had felt
these little pangs, sore aches within ones soul
i bother not to confess that i am of another land
this world- i never enjoyed !

we are the people
who care only
when there's no care left
we are the people who are void of empathy
we are the one who speaks
while our emptiness sparkles within us
we are the hero's we are the losers
we are everything what we desire to
we are just not ourselves

we looked upon as a stars
we looked down as meagre ones
whatever we feel is alien to others
we are missing ones, we lose ourselves in shapes of others
we are seeking ones, we are loved ones
without love..we love only where's nothing left
it is insane to expect, why do we still care
while everything hurts-- the people, their words their actions
we are everyone and everything
what we long to
we are just not ourselves

not to be longing not to log in with spirits
we desire to hold a spirit-- while our spirits shrink within flesh
we are the forgotten ones , we are the victorious
here are the notions we must not take for-granted
despite we do, till it is finished
it seeks us everything- we finish it without seeking
we begin it without finishing; we finish without starting
we dwell upon sadness, we dwell upon frightfulness
we desire to be whatever we wish to
we are everything, we are everyone
we are just not ourselves

silence holds me like a forgotten friend
i answer with all my sinking-- where to be how to be what to do
these are all the wondering i wonder every now and then
with all considerations, i wonder how to ****** lost souls
to transplant the missing gaps, not to desire a thing
we hold onto despite; we let go with ourselves
we are everyone..we are everything
what we desire to
it's only..we are not just ourselves

the extra ordinary matters to meet the ordinary ones
time for everything, time to do all chores
we beseech our manners without mannerism
we leave a mark which nothing heal
the materialism overshadow us-- we sign with our gestures
to make it worse..without realizing
we realize when its gone..yet we don't amend
we are our shadows, we are our fleshes
we are souls we are the sinking hearts
to be seen everywhere, to be felt in each pattern
we are everything we are everyone
what we desire to
we are just not ourselves

do not brag 
do not care
do not worry 

it is all at His will 
whilst you care- people leave 
whilst you speak- people accuse
whilst you express- people mock 

do not show
do not mind
do not expect

let it be 
let everything be 
let everyone be

do not cross
do not embrace
do not feel

people don't bother much-- rightly so
everybody care for their own-- rightly so
Still they are growing with loneliness
Right, left..loneliness and emptiness
they eat, pray, speak
with loneliness, emptiness

world is full of noises; everyone hiding
It is neither making sense nor bothering much
but too concealed

Still do not bother
do not be feel
do not speak

it is what it is
it will what it will

remember nothing remember no one
Go and have the soul of your own
without using your mouth

So i don't talk to you anymore
i am my own; for myself
and if i, by any chance, wish to speak
i will let my words go in slain; by choice  
and turn to you, no further
today, my destiny singing song of forlorn
i shall keep my head up
and may sing, happy songs
with nightingales of hope, and birds of joy  
i will be my own shelter
I will keep life alive !
And on and on and on, i will dwell
like a wise person-
and by my own desire,
i will have no desire to be, anymore
this is the courage of my own freedom- i take pride in my blood
i dance in ecstasy of being alive to the moment
i swim in passions of my heart's beautiful existence
towards a sweet destiny i will go
the beloved is most beautiful to the beholder
and man sits, like a sadist; regretting of his idle dreams
i am angered to see such a waste of life; such purities went in vain
yet indifference cannot be met with bowls of honest
so i shall go on and on, not to be stopped
every tone of this world makes me a dreamer
that language is neither understood nor felt
it's a world of deaf, with mute voices- my silence be of significance than empty words
and i continue to exist, for myself, by myself- in bowls of these ecstatic sweetness !

when the night plunged
darkness took me in its closet
i begin to vouch for the taste
my delights, my dreams
we've got nowhere to go
we've got no secrets
and i stand alone with solitary soul
its a consolation
where else you see real picture
the dusky shadows
and murky humor ..
it does not submersed me in its charm
neither voices
nor people..the happening
it never has..it never did
living in cracked life is a joy
pursuing myself
day by day- endless
to get what i lost
i thank heaven
for the mercy he bestowed me with
staying with me..in my worn out heart
it did mend..it did get widen
and the songs of my wonderings persist
without a desire to be heard or
to be understood
it was a solitary ride
about a soulful thought ..forgetful of any cares
they all turned out to be my weary companions
my the loyalist- the friendliest of all
i slowly took everything out of me
minute to minute..it profoundly wounded my affections
and pinched my soul; all my profane profanity stir up
I refuted with all my confessions; and made it be absent!!

It got no meaning while you all say
Forget it – this matters nothing
My dab brain never understood
The logics- or the passions
I couldn't submersed with your identities
Or ideologies  here it is despite all the banishing
Have you long gone missing elsewhere?
Just our caramels and sweetness – or the madness
I couldn't care about it; I couldn't mend anything
While for all the mistakes
And all the words..It all consumed my thoughtfulness
Nor longing to express- any wildest idea
Or fancy thoughts ..i deem to be a mad one
in somewhere else; whom you could not wish to be with
Now all your bones crackle up inside
Breaking up- decaying minute by minute
I'm set off on roads again – not desiring to be known
Had to desire too much of my desires!
We ain't know what is all about- and your creepiness
There was a moment- some hid moments
Where I ought to be good..you got me
You get me going with nowhere..and I sent my hopes to wondering winds
Swirling around like myself
Where they all existed once …letting go became too common
It cease to occur who were they; in real
And the reality got polluted forever !

I am not of you nor of they, my heart is beyond of any state to speak
thousand and thousands, you may throw me at waste, for you can not touch my soul
The line is beyond of you to hear it, I am too forgetful for all you
Singing of love has created tumult among the wise, for I am too deaf
What more, of you may speak of me while the dust is my shell ?
my eyes are lowered, yet tears rolls; my speeches have gone quiet, yet my mouth is open
Is there a way out, o the knower ! I am sitting with my drunk heart, broken spirit
I was the bad one amongst the company of nobles, for I am too narrow to be noble
O, the knower, I wish neither to be noble nor intellectual, for I've seen the true of worldly faces
Make me not amongst them, any more nor make me see any of them
my heart lyrics a bonding for you, let me abandon the ways that lead to self-conceit and timidity
How can a fish see the marvels up there in a space? How a mouth can speak wonders of your love?
I am too small, my love; for your ways of love are higher than skies, deeper than an ocean's depth
Even the purest of soul can not narrate the feeling; It's beyond of any reasons
I wish for nothing, for no one; for I am too drunk in ways of seeing my own heart !