I spent a lot of time in my life wondering why I wasn’t more like them
less like me and more like those people who are just noticed when they walk in a room
the ones you know are coming because you can hear them before they enter
I wondered why I wasn’t louder
more personal
more likeable, like them
why didn’t I have that way of greeting people and pulling them in as if I really couldn’t wait to hear about their weekend like they did
I worried there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to be in the crowd, I didn’t want to follow the leader or be picked for the team
I felt like I was flawed because I didn’t seem to think like them, act like them or look like them
I couldn’t keep up or stay in line or listen to the rules as easily
where others fell in place, I always felt like stepping out
It turns out of course, that the answer is we are all human
and my humanness wasn’t meant to be exactly like anyone else’s
and that’s okay
I just hadn’t found the ones who understand yet
what it’s like to be a person shoved inside of a human

For over 6 months I couldn’t cry
as someone who has spent countless tears over her lifetime, it made me feel disconnected from myself
even when it made sense, I physically couldn’t
I started to think there was something wrong with me or that I had lost a part of myself that feels so deeply it causes tears
and then, just like that
I started again
I’ve cried two days in a row
and yes, it is a good thing
to be feeling again

At this point
It’s embarrassing
I should have this under control by now
At this point
I’m not even trying to impress anyone
Including myself
At this point
It’s all habit
At this point
I’ve come to accept I may not get better
I googled how many calories a woman my age is supposed to eat in a day
and I don’t even come close to half of those most days of the week
I’m not proud of this
I lie to my fiancé about how much I eat and that I’m full when I’m not
I don’t tell anyone that my stomach hurts all the time
or my intestines, or whatever it is that hurts
I don’t tell anyone that everything I eat I am counting the calories in my mind and calculating just how many steps I need to do tomorrow to counter act the food I just ate
I go to therapy but still haven’t fully brought up my eating disorder
to be honest, I haven’t felt like I should because I’m still up walking around
I still go to work everyday
No one is telling me I look sickly
So I just go with that
But I know the truth
The fact that I feel like crying when I know I haven’t had enough to eat today and yet I make enough money to feed myself
The fact that I have the ability to eat and I love the way certain foods taste & yet I never let myself full enjoy anything
I feel like crying when my stomach hurts so bad I can’t get up off the toilet because my intestines are killing me
I feel like crying when I get a sick satisfaction that I can feel my hip bone pointing out more than usual
I feel like crying when I realize I can’t help myself
At this point
I know better
and yet my brain doesn’t seem to give a ****

I am not sure if it’s possible for me to be fun. Or at least the definition of fun that everyone else around me seems to have
I don’t want to drink or do drugs and stay up late
I want to go to sleep at a decent time and wake up and play Animal Crossing and do some things around the house and then go for a walk

There has to be a way to stay true to that calling inside of me that feels wild and unruly, other worldly and independent
while also pursuing a life that has more abundance and conformity, maturity and rules
how can I still be an independent thinker in my world while also applying the rules of a corporation for a better paycheck and feel good about that?
I want more but I have never been apart of the club
The person who agrees with the majority for my own well being
It’s a battle between my morals and my personal gain that I don’t know how to win
When you know you can do great things but also worry if the great things are just like lipstick on a pig

My tears would soak my face,
eyes red from the tiny veins busting inside from strain
my laugh was the loudest, my love was all in
my heart was running a never ending race
I felt a constant weight lay on my chest and my stomach never felt full
A deep emptiness engulfed me, a longing for life like I could taste it if I wanted to
chances waiting every hour, every minute things could change
goals upon goals and dreams upon dreams
I could take on the world, the doubt of others only a motivator to my next step
a powerhouse of life, love, movement and strength I was
a butterfly in the sky just out of reach
I really felt like I could fly back then
I felt guided by my spirit,
Like Frodo I had a secret weapon in my pocket to find the light, even in the darkest of places, unafraid to use it when all hope was gone
I was sassy, sarcastic and quick
always on the ready to jump, scream, laugh smile or run
It felt like me against the world and I was on the greatest team
I had a knowing that I was not going to let myself down, I would not be like them
I would be different

but I wasn’t
all the poems that I wrote, all the feelings that I felt, all the love I poured out, all the dreams I wasted and achieved, all the trying, kicking, screaming, joy, sorrow and peace, all of it
and yet I still became the one thing I spent so much time disowning
I still became me