my back hurts and has been hurting
for a really long time now

it's not just an ache when i bend over
or when i stand too long

it's constant, reminding me its always
present with its constant throbbing

each disk of my spinal cord feels like
its carrying all my weight on it

but i think they are carrying much more
than my own body on them

my bones are carrying you
but it's not actually you

it's the old you
the memories of you

a genuinely happy you
the one i met back then

the one i began to fell in love with
but you seemed so distant

even though you spent every waking
moment with me, and only me

we were distant, and then you told me
you loved me, and wished i felt the same

flustered i told you i loved you,
i had from the start

we dated for less than a week
but i carry you in my body

every loving memory of you
of past you

in between my bones you sit,
closer to me than you are now

and sometimes i still think that
i love you, but i don't want to.

elementary school was a blur
until in 5th grade two boys
i knew were at my father's work,
ordering subway sandwiches talking
about the red headed girl who had
a muffin top. utterly disgusting.

i had not known what a muffin top
exactly was, until my best friend's
mother explained it and then nodded
in agreement, "i can see the muffin
top-ness to you. i can get you a diet"

in 6th grade, i lost my best friend to
girls who did not have muffin tops
and were not on diet plans, just girls
who existed and played the role of
a child attending middle school

7th and 8th grade was a jumbled
disarray of 730 days filled with
self hatred and self harm,
remembering my best friend
and the muffin top comment

high school! a fresh start, a brand
new adventure. i will find the kids
who know what a muffin top is,
and i'll accept their comment
and hide my low calorie meals

self harm followed with his best friend
self hatred and depression and
being anxious to eat in the cafeteria
so i didn't eat all of freshman year,
i sat in the hallway during lunch

sophomore and junior year i snagged
occasional apples and spare chicken nuggets
from my friends trays, but i never got
a lunch meal myself, even though my
family qualified for free lunch.

but senior year, i am changing.
for the better i believe.
i eat almost 3 times a week, actual meals
pb&j mostly, but it's a meal
the other two days i eat rolls, delicious rolls

i've decided that i am me, and i could have
changed it sooner, but i think i am glad
i hadn't for it made me, me.
the red headed girl with a muffin top
who loves feeding herself, and feeling
full instead of empty.

sometimes i still hate my weight, but
it's my weight, and i have to carry it
i should carry it with joy for my body
is not a chore, or dead weight.
my body is my vessel, and i love it.

i cried for a good two weeks
after the main incident
i had told you i was sad
but i never told you what else
i had let happen

i stopped eating and
i stopped trying to breathe

but

the body won't let you stop
breathing, your body knows
you are a holy temple,
made to love but also to
be loved.

i was made to love you.
but i was also made to be loved.

i've typed a lot of things
on the internet
to other people,
and i want a lot of my
last messages to be

"my flight just landed,
see you in 15 minutes.
i love you"

my apologies mean nothing

i told you how i felt, why i didn't do what you wanted
it meant nothing to you

because "no excuses", right?
if you were on this website,
you'd know i was writing about you.

but you don't know about Hello Poetry,
or that i even wrote poetry.

now, i'm left crying, wanting to self harm again
and you think i don't want you in my life.

it seems more like you don't want me in yours.

do you hear that?

the sound of my heart

beating loudly

and passionately

just for you?

or is the sound of

your insults

too loud for you

to concentrate

on more than my

appearance?

every day
i commit suicide

and everyone
lets me die

they do not
stop me

every day
i give up a
piece of me
to please you

every day
i agree to
something i do
not believe in

every day
i break myself
to make you
feel better

i have killed
myself more
than 100 times

and i will
continue to
**** myself

until someone
kills themselves for me