feel the muscles tensing there
softly hear my praises sing
raise my pulse, and pull my hair--
my body is a loving thing.

touch my neck: its hairs will raise
feel my goosebumps spread;
if your lips on mine should graze
i shall never join the dead.

but to you i'm only skin
and all my tears are not enough
to baptize me from how you've sinned
and how you took advantage, love.

My brain speaks in a whisper:
"You should be angry;
He should be afraid."

My lips speak just loud enough to hear:
"I don't love him;
He never loved me."

My heart beats thunderously in my chest:
"He is the best thing that's ever happened to you;
How could you ever forget?"

Love is in the air.

Little pollen fibres floating with
Drifting dust motes
Small and invisible
Were it not for
Light refracting on a window pane
Socks with a positive charge
Metal doorhandles

My body's whispers for oxygen become shouts;
Suffocation.

Love is in the air.

Renovate yourself.
Whether it is once a year or twice a month:
Become new.
Roll up in your bedsheets and feel the chrysalis change you.

Don't stay the same.
No, don't you dare.
If you stop moving the darkness will catch up
Destroying your dreams,
Your love,
Your hope.
Everything that kept you steady.

Renovate yourself.
Whether it is once a year or twice a month:
Choose change
Before it chooses you.

"Till death do us part,"
Red lips behind a cereal spoon
Blue eyes and pupils like dimes
The moon is her spotlight
Glinting off of pale hair

"Till death do us part,"
Layers upon layers of clothing
You always felt too skinny
You painted a skeleton
And called it 'self portrait'

"Till death do us part,"
She was starved for sunlight on the hottest days
You let her stretch in the rays
As you wilted comfortably in the shade
And Frances skipped from dark to light, keeping the equilibrium that you couldn't give her

"Till death do us part,"
The greenhouse above the garage
Where you swallowed your final breaths
A lethal dose of ****** coursing through your veins
And a bullet in your skull
Did she laugh as you fell apart?

It's better to burn out
Than to fade away

Every year my family gathers around the kitchen table
(boxed wine and chatter
about distant binge-drinking aunts)
When I was young my sister carved the turkey
(swatted my hand when I reached for
the carving knife. "I want to do it this year!")
I am in her place at the kitchen table
(boxed wine and chatter
about the bruises on my knees)
I will forever stand in the kitchen
(no one swats my hand when I reach for
the carving knife. "Maybe I'll do it this year.")

Steal a glance my way,
Darling,
You'll never look too long.

And take my missing sleep,
My love,
It'll only make me strong

You can keep a shirt or two
Love of mine,
Just swipe one from my drawer

Rob me of my books,
My pet,
For I can read no more

Take my ridiculous social constructs,
Baby,
They're useless anyhow.

And you can have my money,
My dear,
Don't pay me back, now.

Steal a kiss or two,
Dear love,
But never kiss and tell.

But never steal my heart,
Lover,
I'll never want it back.

Hey
(It was sunny;
You and I dodged the rays all day)
How are you?
(You smiled at me;
I felt like I had a place with you)
It's rainy, today.
(You said it was poetic;
We spent the day with hot espresso and black umbrellas)
It's weird, not seeing you.
(Every day you hugged me;
I didn't like hugs, before I knew you)
I miss you.
(You are gone now;
We promised to stay together always)
I love you.
(You told me first;
It came like lightning in the summer and took my breath away)
I can't live without you.*
(I don't often tell the truth;
If I am honest once, let it be this)

Do you
Kurt Cobain
take Courtney Michelle Love
to be your lawful shredded wife?

I imagine her sitting across from him
Her lips stained a violent red
Smiling
She'd say what I say now
It didn't have to be this way

That's what's funny to me
Even afterwards she was composed
And maybe,
I don't know,
Maybe she was too full of ******* and hatred to really grasp it

But think of it this way:
Would anyone be capable of shooting up
and then shooting themselves?
Doubtfully

Do you
Kurt Cobain
take Courtney Michelle Love
to be your lawful shredded wife?

you were my first cigarette
so fast you burned, and sweet,
and made the spinning in my head
and sped my heart's slow beat.

when the last of you i'd breathed
and you and i were done
there were burns all over me
and an aching in my lungs.

Stop to breathe.
Let each moment count,
Let every heartbeat shake you,
Spend your time in gardens of roses,
Coffee shops, rooms with fading books:
Spend moments chasing hours that
Will never return.
2. Love yourself.
You cannot pour from an empty glass;
You cannot give from an empty self.
Don't wait around for those who say,
"I'll love you when you're whole," or
"I can fix all of you that is broken."
Do not believe that you are broken.
3. Love your neighbors.
Not because any man commands it;
Love your neighbors because they are trying.
And so are you.
Like them, you cannot grow without love.
Like them, you are always able to give more love.
4. It's okay to leave when they hurt you.
It's okay to go, okay to withhold forgiveness.
Some wounds don't heal.
Your worth is not based upon how well you heal.
Time has a way of teaching you,
Giving, in pain, the lessons you must learn.
5. Repeat.
You are never done.
You are never too far gone.
You will be okay.
You will love again soon.

Everything is tired--
So tired

And my words refuse to form epics
And my lips refuse to form words
And my eyes don't glow
And I roll out of bed to cold tile
And sharp white lines

And the keys don't fit in the door any more
And your lips don't curl
And you don't see me
And you don't speak
And I don't worry

Because I loved you too fiercely
Because you didn't love me
Because I was cold
Because I couldn't swallow the pills any more

Everything is tired--
So tired--
Because I still dream you between my bedsheets.

I imagine you sitting in an expensive café,
Tapping away at your phone.
When love goes by with an 'Enchanté'.
And you remain alone.

It was like we were two old friends
Sharing insights on a shiny green lawn.
We would come here again, I knew
In our own red garments and tasseled hats.
All I know is that
As you smiled so genuinely I found
There was no one I would rather see the end of adolescence with.
We are kindred spirits, you and I.

I have read the same issue of seventeen twice
Waiting; wasting time.
A clock above the door innocently ticks away the time I've spent
Sitting; staring.
My thoughts like raindrops coalesce on the back of my eyelids
Flowing; fading.
And the nurses that weave in and out of the swinging door
Smiling; sighing.
I imagine your bare feet on the freezing grey linoleum
Shivering; dying.

Maybe I'm silly to be in love with
A grey beanie perched on
Golden hair
A warm smile and blue eyes
"What's wrong with that?" I ask myself.
Nothing is wrong with cold lips touching warm coffee cups;
I could stay with you on a rainy day.
I am in love with the softness of anything that belongs to you-
Anything you've touched-
Worn t-shirts and mugs with the mark of your lips around them.
I touch your shoulder
You flash your white teeth
Unscathed by espresso-filled evenings.
You are an apparition;
A gift from god.

I leave a $30 tip.

if i loved you dearly, then,
would you think to stray?
if i needed you again
could i make you stay?

and if i wanted you to see
my person, who i am,
would it pain you so to be
asked to give a ****?

if i loved, if i smiled
but still i wouldn't do,
if i'm not enough, my child,
what am i to you?

I don't want to think that I'll be a Hemingway,
And Wilde was too sharp;
Parker loved a new man twice a day,
Poe's work was far too dark.

Homer never trimmed his hair,
Bukowski was drunk as a skunk;
Dickinson fancied her self as fair,
And Woolf's career just sunk.

I dream of being Vonnegut
Though Cummings mastered nonsense
Though when Dickens lines up to putt,
He and Plath couldn't stop at one sentence.

Fitzgerald knows the psyche twist
Though Freud will never slip;
Cobain spent every moment ******
while Courtney Love was on a trip.

When I think of my successors
(In Hell it must be tight)
I know to challenge my oppressors
I'll likely have to write.

I cannot write you vengeful poetry;
No matter how I try, the point is moot.
If God would grant a loaded gun to me,
I doubt if I could ever point and shoot.


My heart has gone away, but it is fine
You need not hurt for me and need not mend
I’ve better things to do than sit and whine
And dare not bother you at this, the end


Now I may talk and sing of hearts denied,
And I may tilt my head and forward glare
Lord knows how I’d be laughing if you cried!
But would I be the cause? I wouldn’t dare!


No, I cannot write you vengeful verse;
This kindness is far greater than my curse.

never tell me you love me
my lips are chapped with the thought of
destroying you
or maybe
you destroying me
depending on the weather

never tell me you love me
i’ll be so full of the fear of
deserting you
that
i won’t shut my eyes at night
until i’ve counted my blessings    

never tell me you love me
i don’t need any more reasons to live

someday my life will end
and so will yours
so kiss me any time
*okay?

Farewell.
Shall we meet again?
Return, to kiss my heavy eyelids in the moonlight.
Lover, shall we meet again
In this grave vestige?
Will Gabriel himself deliver my invitation?
If you are gone
I will follow;
Seek you out in a sea of cyanide.
Farewell.
We shall meet again.

Passion is poisonous.
It appears, slicing into my skin
and dragging itself behind me;
A heavy ball and chain.

It is not action;
I am a prisoner of war
Bound by my own shackles
A passive affliction I never wanted.

The prison to which I'm confined
Remains pleasant and open
As the little white poppies droop
In the window-box outside the bars.

I want to tell you everything
Not a confession;
Is there anything left to confess?
I want to speak until my throat runs dry
I want to hold you for hours-
No-
I want to hold you eternally.
I want to love you
And when I say that I mean
I want to love you infinitely.
*I promise I will.

my hands are pale that clutch your sleeve;
my heart a bird, and nature pecks it.
i beg that you will never leave--
you take a bow and make your exit.

I had sent your world a-turning,
Laughing as it twirled away
So I feel regrets now burning
"Please come back to me," I say.

Never will he love my lips
    Never will he dote and fawn
And now I seek his fingertips
    Lying lonely in the lawn

please forgive me when I find someone new to hold

Oh, from a starving lady to a man,
This can't be more than just a little show!
Say then, what if there is some higher plan?
Don't say you'll love a girl who you don't know!
I cannot say your love is false or dull,
Nor can I ever say she's not a dame
But I can say my heart is twice as full
Of poems that are titled with your name.

So, if the words you say to her are true,
Then you go have your fun and I will stay--
Outside and all alone and without you,
My heart will sing those words you'll never say.
My love is thus-- My love is always so
That what is in your heart I'll never know.

Cacophonous waves washing over me
White teeth exposed
The folded skin framing your blue eyes
Your laughter is for me
And for that I am honoured
But I'm finally old enough to know
That it isn't a code

You say the most flirtatious things to me
As if you don't know
That each one feels like a stab in the chest
And that the closer you move your chair to me
The farther away I want to be
To keep you away from my vulnerability

Never tell me you care
For I may just disappear completely.

Are we
Sheep
To be herded in lines
Sheared of all that makes us valuable
Powerless

Legs weak and pink
We hold ourselves as tall as we can
Transfigured to be the same as everyone else
Unsatisfied

Bleating feebly from hoarse throats
Brushing up against each other desperately
Tufts of hair shooting from thin bodies
Alone

Led off to slaughter
*Freed

you deserve more than the words I could give you

at last, my love, you came to meet me!
at last, my stomach churns to greet thee.
so soon, you came, to lift my heart
(but deepen cupid's evil dart.)

how, now, my love, can you be with me,
through all god's tricks, which played you swiftly;
to whom, my heart, do i owe the pleasure?
but you, dear one, who came with leisure!

I got drunk and told you
The stars couldn't possibly hang without you
I got high and told you
The sun rose to say hello to you
I got angry and told you
That the moon crashed to the Earth in your tears
I got a boyfriend and told you
The lunar eclipse would come someday soon
I got tired and I told you
The constellations hung in your irises
I got depressed and told you
That you were my pluto
I got lonely and I told you
The stars had already died

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
I sweat as my fingers pound the keys.
My breathing becomes erratic, my words bordering on incoherence.
This...
Will be...
A masterpiece!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more of a disaster as I become more temperate.

i think you only loved me
when i was frail and broken.
am i no longer lovely
if all my hurt was spoken?

and if i bear no danger,
and give you no more hell
am i, to you, a stranger,
now that i'm fin'ly well?

i think you only loved me
because you thought me small.
i think you used to love me,
but now you never call.

Didn't I tell you
That my garden was not to be played in?
That there is a sanction of land fenced-in
Only for me?

Don't play innocent,
I know you jumped the fence;
You tore up the flowers I had planted
In that beautiful garden, mine.

Don't act like you didn't know
That the white pickets were
To keep out children
Like yourself.

I'll never forgive you,
Even though the wind in the grass whispered your name.
Rows of poppies beckoning for you,
Claire.

I'm not trying to hurt you.
What you said
And what you did
Are distant and unparalleled planes of reality

I'm not trying to hurt you.
As if my pain was not your goal
But ultimately a consequence of your arrogant carelessness.

I'm not trying to hurt you.
But you did
With impressive efficiency
And you shredded my concept of trust

I'm not trying to hurt you.
Maybe not,
But I've never been more hurt in my life

I'm not trying to hurt you.*
You took the confidence that filled my chest
And in return I got existential dread

God hath had a gen’rous hand in giving
Lovely things and pretty tricks to thee.
Long as I, my dear, retain my living
I, your other eyes, may help you see:
Your manner is much sweeter than my measure
Like scooping seas in tablespoons away,
And counting far more glitt’ring golden treasure
Than I could ever spend to make you stay.
Suppose this is the pain that I must shoulder;
Imagine that I give until I die.
You told me I was good, said you were colder
And when I called you pretty, asked me, “Why?”
But if I write my love, you can't complain
So I shall give you verse this way again.

i don't remember how to write
without you.
my words used to flow and,
might i add,
attract the eyes of many

i write from where it hurts the most--
from deep in the pit of my stomach
and there is still hurt to write about, yes,
but it lingers on the notches of my spine
so
the pain is too close to my bedsheets to do a ****** thing.

i miss you now from my stomach
where the love once lay its head

I'm watching the clouds roll in,
Perhaps out of fear.
Come to me
We'll raise our faces to heavy droplets
And you can leave your red umbrella in my car.

Don't speak.
I'll take your hand and lead you
To where the wind in the pines screams your name.
You belong to me,
'Til death do us part and et cetera.

I'll let you scratch your fingernails down my spine
And the trees will entwine themselves with us
While the sky howls delightedly.
Your right eye was always a little bluer
And your left hand a little sturdier.

There you will slay me
Kiss my open sores
And when the smell of pine becomes too much,
You will leave me there to tease passers-by with my bare legs.
You always left your red umbrella in my car.

I eventually left my love in your arms.

I jump and curse at the sound of my name
Because when I was younger it was beaten into my skinny bones.

My first name became the sound of my father's fist on a wooden door,
My middle name the sound of papers crackling in a fire,
My last name the regrets of generations of men.

What's in a name
Until it has rolled off your tongue
Like the rustle of leaves in the brisk wind?

i want to build new things
out of what you left me
but these bycicle tires are flat and
you smashed my teacups against the wall

i want to build new things
out of what you left me
but my voice is flat and
you smashed my heart against the wall

"I can't,"
You said,
"I'm sorry."*

I gave you everything
And now I'm left with nothing.

So perhaps, love,
This is for the best.
Let us see the end
Before we begin.

Don't ask me why I'm
Drowning in my own saline

It's as if the blood stains have marked
My legs and eyes and lips
And I've started wishing it was my own blood

It would at least give me a reason to weep

Instead I watch in horror
As the brutal affliction consumes me from the ground up.

Don't ask me why I'm
Drowning in my own saline.

I crave indifference.