please do not tease me
with pretty words
and beautiful phrases

i take them in
like a parched man
scampers at the sight
of water

i marvel over them
much like humans admire
sunlight through
stain glass

and i cherish them
like a mother does
her first born
and hold them
close to my chest

do not tempt me
with kind words-
i'll start falling
as soon as they
fall from the
gap between
your lips

i feel him crawling under my skin like a spider
( and i should probably tell him i have arachnophobia )
the constant attempts to make it stop turns my skin raw
but of course it only takes me f  o   r   e    v    e    rr
to find the courage to tell him:

i am not a drug addict
i do not enjoy the hallucination of his touch on my skin
the way he slithers under through an open wound
like some toxic bacteria looking for a place to grow
with this need to keep my attention pointed straight at him
as if he were polar north and i were a mere compass
just trying to find home.

but he'll do it all for love -
as if love were his reason to cover me in tar
and tell me if i listen to him, he wouldn't have to hurt me
i do it because i love you

love is not an excuse, it is not a motive
it is something to be felt, not some twisted blade you use
to throw into someone's back.
they told me it was okay that he was the reason my wrist
turned red every night when i was finally alone
in the corner on the bathroom floor, laughing
because i didn't know how to handle the emotion

love was the drug you slipped into my drink when
i was turned the other way
and by the time i already noticed
you already got me addicted to it

you once asked me why I was so
infatuated with a boy that tried to write me off
in forty eight hours I found some reasons why

he’s sweet and he’s bitter in all my favorite doses-
the words he told me were kind yet at times held a sarcastic playfulness I find in myself.
we’d tease each other with little resistance and
laugh at each others misfortunes with kindness.
his actions were soft no matter how aggressive they may have looked
because not once has he ever come at me
with the motive to damage;
letting him easily flesh my soul out for show.
the walls I put up nothing but tainted window panes
I once let him hold my raw emotions bare in his hands
then found myself cold from the lack of his embrace when he pulled away from the hug

and I can go on with these reasons-
these glimmers of hope that sound more like excuses
to why I refuse to let go and hoard his memories within my ribcage.

let me be original

let me show the world what i am made of.
I was told living
was all about not becoming
some print out that came out
of the copy machine
but some limited adittion
with a copywrite stamp
on the backside.

my brain is not some archetype
for you to fill the spaces of.
i'm not some idea bank you can
go to and pick out of when you're feeling
ų̠̈̔ n͍̈̇͜ i̘̺̐̅ n̗̜̽̓ s̼̜͠͠ p͎̱͂͆ ĭ̼̠̋ ȓ̺͕̕ e̢͙͐̎ d͎̯̀͐
i do not crave for fads but indivduality
that you destroy within the hours of release;
not even letting the *** simmer before
you douse it in flames.
my innovation nothing but a trend
no one knows the origins of.

i am not some carbon copy
so stop making me into one

re·li·gion /riˈlijən/  noun
1. the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.*


i grew up with no god or religion
never have i meet someone
that wanted to shove a belief
down my throat like hot iron
and told me if i believed
i would be saved

i spent life boundless
by your gods
but found myself roped
dragged in by this undocumented
goddless belief of true love
and soul mates

i spend my days praying
to this undisclosed nonbeing
hoping that one day i will find
this thing they call true love
that will sooth this heartache

i remember late dark nights,
you'd rest your head on me
and ask if you could fall asleep
as we walked down empty streets -

fake glares and sarcastic tones -
'am i that idle to be referred
to as nothing more than an item'
as you refer to me as a pillow

soft wines and pouty replies
you'd rest on me anyway, but
baby, let's be honest;
i'd be your support any day

he was my favorite song
set on repeat
played over and over
until I embedded every word
into my mind
and no matter how long
or how frequently I heard it
it’s as if it were the first time.

good morning
I love you
hello beautiful
I miss you
good night

until the day came when
I could no longer play
the track without that
404 message indicating
his location has been moved
asking me if I could locate him again-
I had no idea how to reply

i am much
like the moon
over a quiet city with a light
very dim but still
ever so slightly radiant
yet nothing compared to what
oversees the busy city that bathes
underneath the brightest light
they have known -
other lights shine brighter than the moon
not much outshines the sun, but
you can still see the moon against the blue

It's five am
And I still remember
That night we stayed up
Asking each other questions
About shoe sizes
And those spaces in our hearts
And whether or not they were
Filled, empty or hurting

I can still remember all
Those times I hugged you
And I swear that even now
I've hugged you more than
Anyone else this year

It's five twenty
And I remember
Those hour long Skype calls
We would have even though
Both of us are silent
And never have much to say

I remember all those times
We'd argue about our opinions
And even though they were
So very different
Yours made me happy

And I can remember
All those times I felt sad
Yet you were able to make me
Feel so happy
Like all those hearts
You left in my mailbox

I remember that time
You tricked me into going home
With this panda bear
That will forever keep
Since you talked me into
Keeping him.

It's five twenty five
And I remember all those times
I looked forward to walking home
Cause you walked home with me
Even though it was cold

I remember
How I'd make you worry
And I'm very sorry for that
And I'm sorry that there were
Things I could never bring
Myself to tell you no matter
How hard I tried.
But I'm only so courageous
So I've always talked in
Questions and puzzles.

It's five thirty
And I remembered this
And so much more
And I will for a long time
Because you gave me so
So much to remember
You by.

I'll remember how you were
The first boy I ever let so
Close to my heart.
You were the first boy
I actually ever
Really let myself fall for
And no girl can ever
Forget that.

Especially a hopeless
Romantic
Like me.

Thank you for everything
You gave me to remember
You by.
I hope I at least gave you something
To remember me by

dissect me.
pick me apart
in hopes that what
you find buried inside
help you understand
what little pieces
come together
to make who i am

"Dissect me,"
I say to you
in desperate attempts
that it would help-
but you were never
one for science

I compare myself to the fog that surrounds our skyscrapers, masking it like a second layer of clouds. At some points we can see through it but never with clarity.

Like ripples on our Great Lake you can move me but not once gave you ever held me in your hand for I am always out of grasp.

And inside my heart you’ll find a cold iron bar because much like a magnet I attract as well as I repel. Much like all the wonders in nature, I don’t make much sense.

i am so hopeful
yest so unhopeful
all at the same time

it's like that light
that you see
that tells you everything
will be okay
is like the sun on
a cloudy day;
it fades in an out
dimming and brightening

like a lightbulb
hanging on a thread -
hanging on to life

like a car
racing down
the free way
at two in the morning
the moments of darkness
after the faint moment
of brightness
as we drive under
street lamps.

i am so hopeful
and so hopeless
and i sway
like a pendulum
unable to find
a healthy balance

I'm hard to handle;
like a shot of *****
I burn on the way down
and only some will come back
for seconds –
because my kindness
does not make me
easier to swallow.
I'm an acquired taste
for a specific breed.
No one can take me
in large doses,
a teaspoon a day
goes a long way.
Alcohol never came
with a recommended
serving size.
I'm a glass of water
in disguise –
so please,
drink slowly.

Is love the cancer
or the cure?

Is it a drug
with a heartbeat?
Something like an antidepressant
when times get hard,
Nothing but a placebo
for the boredom,
A tranquillizer
that makes life bearable?

Or is it nothing more
than a poison
that courses through my veins?
Something sweet turned to venom
when things go wrong,
nothing but a toxin
that breaks me from the inside,
An anesthetic
with a bitter after effect?

Sugar isn't always sweet.
is love the drug
or the poison?
And is there a vaccine to save me
or an antidote to fix me?

it's interesting how the lull
of someone's deep breathing
as they fall fast asleep
can emulate this serenity
and rush of calmness
that flows over the body
and leaves me wishing
for nothing more than
to be there right next to him
instead of twenty two
hundred miles away
a distance that multiplies
when remembered through
a screen

it pains me
because i would never
would have believed
you'd be the one
to break me

it hurts me
how i let you in
as easily
as you chose
to leave

it scarred me
when you'd go around
and call me beautiful
but treat me like
nothing special

it wounds me
that you didn't
have that audacity
or courtesy to say
goodbye

but what pains me most
is the melancholy
amounts of poetry
written all about you;
all for you

someone once told me that love
was all sparks and fireworks -
that electric look in his eyes
when he catches yours with his

but when he held my hand
it was not engulfed with flames
and when he put his arms around me
there were no butterflies
then he'd smile at me
and my heart rate stayed the same

though-
he'd have me blushing
with his sweet words
smiling at his childish ways
and looking away with every question
who's answer i felt could change everything

when they told me about love
they talked about how he'd hold me
never about how the things he would say
and the way he'd do the things he do
would make me fall in love
with his very being

every night i lay in bed
restless and unwearied-
intoxicated with the
cluttered thoughts of your
sole existence and
overtaken by the memories that
no longer bring joy;
hung up on old
undying memories
all these sad and restless
nights are all worth the
grief and longing

they say:
age is but a number,
distance is but a scale,
and time is of an essence -
yet i find their concept to be suffocating.
confining as it bends me to it's whims.

age is the number that decides who our friends are.
splitting us apart by birth dates into
elementary, middle, junior, high and college -
sending us away to embark on different paths
while others are left behind.

distance is the scale that determines how often.
when can our presences linger with one another
and at what lengths must we cross?
cities, state lines, rivers, countries, oceans -
at what point is the distance too wide to close.

time is the essence that destines if at all.
where schedules collide and overlap,
timezones over riding the possibilities.
seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months -
they all pass with one of us always a head of the other.

and as we move on with our lives, i see that
i use these as excuses of why we have drifted
instead of facing the facts;
perhaps we were never that close to begin with
as our memories turn to grey.

they say i'm a hard girl;
hard to please,
hard to talk to,
hard to handle-
because they don't know
where easy got me.
he fed me lies upon lies,
vomiting my secrets across
the floor leaving only
a  bitter aftertaste of
betrayal hanging in the air;
the weight on my shoulders
dragging me down into the depths
as the traitor takes his leave.
they said i was a hard girl;
hard to understand-
because i washed
my backstory in a river and let
the letters bleed into each other,
because no one acknowledges
damage that only leaves a bruise.

and here's to all the things
we managed in half a year-

to that late night call  that left me
drifting off to the lull of
soft snores and rustlinG blankets
and the muRmurs whispered in the morning
as if fEll in an out of sleep-

each daY greeTed witH good morning texts
And finding somethiNg to fill the days with
like intrusive attacKs during pasSing periods
and casual hoodie stealing

to late after noons filled with nothing
but questions and learning
FavORite colours and nicknames
inside jokes and late night drinks

every day ending with The struggle
to keep up witH a night owl
and a good night tExt …

moments weren't made to last
but MEMORIES were
and here's to the ones
i'll always remember

i got this gift last christmas
just shy of half a foot;
i keep him really close.

i hold him late at night
when i don't know what to do
but i know i'm not feeling right.

i feel tranquility as i breathe
in his subtle scent
that i can't quite place my finger on.

i stare into his golden eyes
torn by memories about
how i got him and why he's mine.

i am mocked by his blank expression
as i ask him questions
neither of us have answers to.

i got a christmas gift
just shy of half a foot
and i still don't know why.

I spend sinful nights
Thinking of you
Because I know it's wrong
When I have someone waiting
On me

But it's hard you know
To forget your first
That gave you so much
To remember them by

You're like my second
Star to the right
My lost boy who's so
So childish
Yet somehow
So mature.

But I think it's just
Wishful thinking
When I wonder if
I pop into your head
When you're trying to sleep
Like you do for me

Just so wishful because
I just really wanted to be
Your best friend
And maybe even
Something more


They say people who are meant
To be together
Will eventually
Be together but then again
That's just some
Wishful thinking

i don't know what to do
with myself.

i sit, i stare,
and i wait
for something i know
will never happen
because he-
because you-
you gave up on me
and trying to believe
that even a friendship
could exist between us

i sit and i stare
at your name on my screen
as if your presence was
radiating off of
simple letters used to
identify yourself
and i hesitate-

i sit and stare
as my mouse skims
your name
and goes to another part
of the page
because i don't
know you well enough
anymore to start a conversation

i sit - stare - wonder
if one day i will not feel
like such a bother to you
whenever we exchange words

but until then,
i think i will
sit and stare
and wonder

It was the low point to my life;
The vertex to that concave up.
I stayed there for the longest time -
Nothing to bring me back to the top.
Then you came with your kinetic energy
And scooped me up as you made your way-
It was like I was set to boiling point
But you came and turned off the power.
I should have know what came next
I’ve seen all the sines in every situation-
We were coasting though the waves
And you left me once we got to the trough.
A part of me waits for your return
Even if it’s just to turn the boiler back on

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you

I hate how you came
I hate how you left me
I hate how you change me
I hate how you changed
I hate that you always use to talk to me
I hate how you stopped talking to me
I hate how you convinced me to let you walk me home
I hate how you wormed your way into my life
I hate how much I trusted you
I hate how much I love you
I hate how much I think of you

But I hate me most
I hate me for still loving you
I hate me for still thinking of you
I hate me for not being able to let you go

I hate it.

Because you make me feel like **dirt

Can you tell me the best way to live
when I left it all up to chance?
Followed the yellow brick road, followed its lead
unaware of the looming shadow
that hung in the air as the sky turned dark,
I face the reality that the world is not safe.

No one here is safe;
but they play by the rules to live.
Within the midst of the dark-
ness, they find a chance;
an opportunity in the shadow,
where will it all lead?

There’s a taste of lead
in my mouth that makes me feel safe.
My actions shadow
over me, playing live
in my head, over and over for a chance
to pull me into the dark.

His eyes glow a dark
red, as the taste of lead
seeps between my lips as a chance
to feel a little more safe.
The video feed is live
but no one noticed the shadow.

In the background, there's a shadow
of hate that lingers in the dark.
Feeding of your life to live,
closer to the darkness it'll lead
us far from the safe
we hid in for a chance.

You never had  a chance
because standing under the shadow
made you feel safe.
Disguised as the antidote, dark
chocolate filled with the bitter taste of lead;
this is the way to live.

It’s lurking in the dark
just watching in your shadow.
"Brought to you live."

if souls were made of things like:
compassion, anger and bliss
ours would be of the same.

the way we find presence
is enough substance to withhold a friendship.
the use of playful impiety  
is a reflection of deep affection.
in which we take all these and use
them in the same doses.

and although science says nothing
of souls but of cells and pedigree
it was always about how
differences brought things together
and our similarities drove us apart.

our bodies cave to the commands of science-
it's no surprise that the rules of attraction
bow down to it as well.

it's okay to be not okay -
with chills running down your spine
as worries pile in your mind.
that innate notion
of something wrong
and something that will never change

it's okay to be not okay
i have been for a while

You made a wish
And you told me a secret
That forever changed us.
Then life happened
And you made another wish,
To know me better.
But the thing about wishes
Is that they never come true.

You were the wisher
And the thing about wishes
Is that when you wish on emotions
Everything goes wrong,
And then the magic goes away.
The thing about wishes
Is that you have to give something up
To make these wishes come true.

You were the wisher
And I was a dreamer,
And the difference between us
Is that that dreaming is believing
And wishing is wanting.
Dreams are for the mind,
And wishes are for greed.

I am a dreamer with an imagination
You are a wisher with needs,
I could never fulfill

I am a dreamer
Who's dreams
Didn't need a guy like you

i let truth bleed from my heart
as i sprawled words across the page
i let my secrets out in riddles
in hopes that someone will
understand what i have to say

autumn scatters
red and orange [ leaves ]
across the sun-kissed fields
that set all the trees ablaze  -
with the crisp [ fall ] air,
the leaves detach themselves from
the only safety they knew -
[ and ] they do [ so ] without
the hesitation humans have.
[ do ] we have to worry about
what waits at the end of a free fall -
much like a falling leaf,
[ i ]  don't worry about what is to come

tell me the secrets
hidden behind the moon,
like how it can
[ take ] shape and
transform itself,
and how it deceives [ me ]
because it is always
[ somewhere ] in the sky-
just [ far ] too dim to
outshine the radiance
that comes from
so far [ away ] -
it lies there waiting
for a moment [ to shine ]
in the darkness of the sky

with her head in his hands

his forehead touches hers as he stares
into her eyes,

silent and unmoving
       with that arcane look in his eyes.

he's done it so many times before,
and not once
could she ever figure out
    why he would look at her like that.

And, before she can say anything,
  he p u l l s away                from her.

his hand lingering on her head
    for a second before
       walking away.

"good bye."

sighing, she watches as he walks away;

a familiar tune playing in her mind
  
    of lost dreams

               and broken hopes.

i judge you
and i know this is
unfair of me to do so
considering that i call you
a friend
and you to i -
but you go around
and you act as if
you havent been admitted
to as school only some
dare to dream about
one the cost so much
you and i would always
question as to why
you stay up late doing work
you couldn't have bothered
to do before - all nighters
that make you late for class
or not show up to at all
i know it is shameful to
judge a friend like this
but if tables were turned -
i know you would, to i.

how can i be in
love with a boy who never
made me feel nervous?

he told me
he'd fall in love with me
and once in love,
he'd woo me;
like all pretty girls should
be wooed

and although the offer
was sweet and alluring
in soft decline,
i shook my head
and i said

falling in love
with broken girls
only lead to
heartache

Back in those December days
Evening winds would chill the
Air that always left me numb
Unless, of course, you were
There in my company

In such cold times, you
Found a word to
Use so frequent, it was
Like your name for me

i am a warrior -
nothing more than
a pawn on a chess board
and all they do is stare
they stare and laugh
but once i cross the field
i crown myself queen

but i know once i look back
i will fall for the king
my victories nothing but wasted

i sat in class today
and thought about
walking you home
because of all those days
that you walked me
in the brutal harsh
winter weather
and left me at my front door
watching as you walked away

and then the sadness hits me
hits me hard in the chest
and my heart drops
and i feel the need to cry

i suppose it's in the want
to hurt you voluntarily
when you walked me home
out of kindness -
with no knowledge that
i'd hurt watching you walk away

but i guess, all i hope for
is that you have that
unanswered feeling of sorrow
as you watch me walk away
in hopes that you feel for me
what i feel for you

i hope to find  the guy that can
take my breath away
before he leans in
to steal a kiss

i know that in the moment
before his lips touch mine
i'll be etching his name
into my heart

i never told him now i felt
not once had the intention of doing so
because a part of me believed
that unrequited love is much sweeter
than the sour taste of once aquatinted love
and not longer acquainted love;
never as bitter as the love from a confession
cut off at the stem and uprooted from the earth.
perhaps it was my fear of my heart being laid out bare-
torn apart and sliced to shreds
only to fall short of the pan
and into the trash instead.
that last drop in the bottle no one bothers to get
i was  never one for cooking
but i can't seem to find step one
and i don't think i have all the ingredients
on how to make this thing called love.
how long should i let it bake
and how do i know when its ready to share?