...  

daughter
sister
aunt  
niece
granddaughter
nice
sweet
good girl  
baby faced
lost
unemployed
uneducated
questioning
wandering
stuck  
dissapointing
hopeful
sinful
alone
sad
happy
grateful.....

i am so many things  
but..
Who Am I?

I've been gone
It's been so long
And I wanted to see you
Well that's not exactly true
But  we started to talk
Not long after I decided to walk
It's suppose to be a two way street
But if you keep love like a sweet
It will never stay
That's why I've gone away







Are you still alive?







I can't survive







Though I did leave you
You left me too
And the biggest trick
To come from a *****
Is to believe they'll love
And hold you high above





And I am always the fool
When it comes to tools

Well soon they'll be gone
It won't be long now
Sorry you never had a chance
Doubt you will miss me at all
Only needed centuries ago
Might as well get used to it

Thank you for one thing
Everyday I'll eat icecream
Even if I don't want to
Taking a break will be good
Hope I heal soon

sunshine and
high heels
thrumming music
how do you feel?
pulverized hearts and
love smashed to smithereens
a silver bullet
stops the wolverine
but nothing can stop my love
by any means

do you still read my poetry?
take in every line
search for meaning
and for me
curious what you'll find

do you still think about me?
wonder how i am
read through my rhymes
through my lies
i hope to say you can

do you hate my stupidity?
raging at my hope
seeing my pathetic mess
the ludicrousness
hurt that i won't mope

do you still read my poetry?
get wrapped up in my words
hope to find i'm alright
the truth i hide
is that what i deserve?

do you still read my poetry?
for I still want you to
marvel at the wonders
my little treasures
it's more than you deserve

The robins chirp as
Bees busily buzz by
The sun gently warms the grass and
A breeze rustles waking trees.
Chipmunks scurry in the cool air.
The creek gently roars while
Squirrels hurriedly run tree to tree
The sun peaks through dark clouds
Promising rain.
Dogs roll through mud
And children splash happily after them

I can't help but smile
At the joyful scene.
It help stirs my hope that
Maybe
the sun can thaw my frozen heart too

It was all so new
Like the shine on shoes
When I was with you

And it was hard to contain
All of the pain
I felt inside my brain

But I did

So when we came
To this new game
I was almost ashamed

And you surprised me
When you didn't flee
And tried to love me

But it wasn't enough

Pain seeped out
And sent confusion about
I felt so lonely in my drought

I shoved it aside
To look out side
Myself and tried

But it wasn't enough

Were you dying
While I was crying
From this drying?

True meanings lead astray
And I'll continue to pray
Each and everyday

But is it enough?

things i do
things i say
I try
I try
you walk away
i smile
i pray
I TRY
I TRY
you laugh
i cry
but I do
I smile
I look and see
You are the problem
Not me
I like me
I love me
I learn everyday
that i love me this way

The blue bike
on the side of the road.
The sky blue bike,
ready to fly.
That's when I asked,
How? Why?
The blue bike crashed,
flying too high.
Now it's abandoned,
waiting there  alone.
Waiting for someone to pick it up,
willing to fly with it again.
So I took the battered blue bike,
and began to fly.

in
and
out
in
and
out
calming my racing heart by
breathing
in
and
out
in
and
out
and somehow i breathe in
you
and then there is nothing to stop
my breathing you
in
and
out
in
and
out

I'm a brick wall
Not in the sense of stubbornness or
being close minded
But in reference to my outer shell  
With which no emotion can pass through
And to most it means
There is no place where my emotion dwells
Or worse they take a wrecking ball to the strong wall
Hoping to crack my resistance
Only giving more reason to build it higher, wider

They claw at my walls
Not bothering to knock with gentle hands
Delicate touch opening the door
Not barreling through
Looking and knowing there's a wall
To keep my feelings in
Not to keep others out

Sadly no one knocks at a hidden door
So do I make a new door,
Tear down a wall,
Or wait a whole life for someone who might never knock?

Down in my toes
A bubbly feeling grows
Viciously through my whole body
I smile and blush like crazy
Doubt has always been part of my soul

What does it mean
To be clean?

Hygienic?
Sober?

Do you want to be clean?
Do you need to be green?

It has many meanings
What's yours?

Out **** spot, out, out!! -Macbeth

Summer dreams,
cast away.
Darkness now,
here to stay
cliche
cliche
cliche
cliche
Dreams are untrue
Darkness rules
Summer is an escape
Fleeting like fate

A song in the background
Happy smiles on our faces
None making a sound
The car travelled so many places

It happens so quickly
In the blink an eye
You don't even feel sickly
Until you lose th high

The hood had snapped
And made a whoosh
The windshield cracked
I'd been swooshed

We were not hurt
And I said my praise
My mind is on alert
It put me in a craze

The poetic justice
The lovely rhyme
They leave me now
With endless time

The wonderful words
The beautiful depth
They're taken
What a horrid theft

The simply superb
The eloquent
Shoved aside
Till there's nothing left

Shallow and empty
It's all swept away
Maybe it'll come back to me
Someday

Self deprecation
Mood deflation
Perfect jeans you had
A size too small
Looks when you wear
Clothes you love

Silent thoughts
Silent tears
Encouragement
Sometimes makes it worse

Wishing it wasn't like this
That your thoughts didn't turn on you

It's not about the size
Or being a zero
It's about loving your body
And I don't love me like this
I did when I was healthy
I used to love EVERYTHING about me

I feel weak
I feel used
I feel fat

The mind is powerful
It is great at deceiving
Even the strongest minds
Have a breaking point

Each person is beautiful no matter what
Because there is no one else quite like you

Let me share my light
Let me help you fight
The dark demons inside
Please don't hide

Let me be your guide
Let me know you tried
To let me be bright
When you lose sight

Let me be with you
Let me be true
I want you next to me
If only you could see
You are perfectly free
When you are here by me

i plunge and fall as He beckons me-
bringing nothing but sorrow and self loathing-
it's cold and dark but i keep running
Running-
Running-
i trip and bash my head in-
the stars and darkness swirl around me
but still i am despaired and falling
Falling-
Falling-

Her eyes sparkle
Her cheeks have streaks
From the diamonds she cries

Her tears are more beautiful
So unlike salt water
They shine showing the joy seeping from her soul

She is the epitome of riches
So gorgeous and sad
With her diamond tears

They always mean so much more
For she rarely cries
Her diamonds clinking onto the ground

She is so precious
Far more than the diamonds
That fall from her eyes

I wish I could stop the spilling diamonds
So she could keep that beautiful sparkle
In her soul

Hate
Negativity
Loss
Pain
Loud
Anger

alone

*Acceptance
Silence
Scars
New
Positivity
Love
FRIENDS

The little finch wanted to fly
High in the sky
So he did

The little finch whizzed past the clouds
High above any crowds
He soared

The little finch flew up to a home
High past a dome
He dove

The little finch saw a reflection
High past rejection
He smacked

The little finch hit the window
He bounced off the pane
Too scared to feel pain

.
flit flit

                    flit flit

                                          flit

My mind is endlessly flitting from one thought to the next

thoughts of hate cutting deep through my skin,
carving out parts of myself that feel and tingle

No. That's too harsh
flit

longing for the loving touch of another,
Imagining the soft caress of a hand brushing my-

No. Stop imaging what you don't have.
flit

fantasizing what it'd be like to have deep love for someone
talking, arguing, laughing

No. Stop. That will never happen to you
flit

I long to-

No. You can't.
You are pathetic,
Nothing good will come from your life.
You are pathetic.

just a waste of space


flit

i want to bleed this out of me
let it flow through my fingers
watch it all drift away


no; flit


can we move on now?
my eyes are flowing, my soul aches,
can't i remember good things?
i want to be happy,
i want to be alive.
i feel.
isn't that enough?

I want it to be enough
flit
.

the grey hoodie girl walked on by
to the store.
i don't know why.
a cop car passed for
the smoke stack had fire
pouring with someone screaming "play it again!"
she walked past with burning desire
to be like the wren
flying - Free -
Oh just let her *be

It started with hello
With no where to go.
You then me.
How could this be?

It was great for weeks,
But then came streaks
On my heart.
They hurt like a dart.

Months of nothing
How was it something?
It didn't end in good bye
I just watched it fly

Miscommunication broke it
And I choked on it-
The words and tears,
I would have no fears.

I left because of you,
But who wears the shoe?
Who gets the blame,
And all of that fame?

Has it happened to you?
It doesn't have to..
TALK.. please
Don't let it freeze

I want you here,
Always be near.
I love you

You're distance
Overwhelmingly hurts my
Under appreciated feelings

Are you blind?
Not quite like I am
Deaf and mute

Is it ever love?

to be cherished, understood and
loved wholeheartedly
and to in turn love them strongly
with every part of you being

to know you won't understand
but try everyday to be better
to be there when words flounder
so they know they are not Alone

fairy tale love is rare
and true love is too
but to say they are the  same is untrue
one is adult the other a childish dream

yet I long for both
I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic

It hides in the darkness
And lurks in the shadows

The sun can block it out
But not keep it away in the night

Sometimes the moon is my only solace
But it leaves

Then I'm left alone

The demons whispering
Become shouts

It leaves me deaf
And blinded

The light stolen
By the hateful thieves

With that light
Leaves
My
Hope

But it lingers in my mind
Even when it's pitch black

Even when the shouts make me deaf
I hear the words

Hold
On
Possibilities
Exist

The little birdie
My little angel
My wonderful friend

Is here
They snuck in
And were beside me
They were with me
Even through the worst

When no one was here
They still were
They became my light

Even now as I'm in the dark
I know they are here
And it gives me

Hope

inspiration is a fickle thing.
it lurks around in the shadows.
sometimes to far in to be seen.

other times it seeps out,
flowing like a babbling brook
straight from my heart.

it leaks out of small things.
the way a leaf blows,
or how deep and loud he laughs.

yet still, it can choke me up,
the flow haulting at my tongue,
draining down my face.

so often the flow stops at my eyes,
soaking up what they see
and simply enjoying the moment.

inspiration is a fickle thing.
phasing in and out like the moon.

only when full to the brim
or dried like a well
do we notice that it's beautiful

And oh so wonderful

Assault my senses
Let me breathe in your skin
Feel your hands pull my hips
Bite my lip as our whole bodies kiss.

I want to feel you explore me
Touch my soul, as our sweaty bodies collide
Awaken my deepest kept secret
As I expose to you my every weakness

I want to pull your hair
Lay my head on your chest.
Listen as your heart slowly beats
As my legs touch yours through thin sheets

Hold me till the morning comes
My skin cold from sweat
Warm me up with a sleepy smile
And mumble "Stay for a while.. "

I go to bed
Too hot to sleep
So I lay there
Under my sheets
My mind starts to drift
And what do I think?
Only of you
My cheeks are pink
I have a huge grin
My stomach starts to flutter
Then panic sets in
I can't think about a boy at this time!
I've gone mad with my thoughts
And surely I have committed no crime
But thoughts can be poison
That tickles your mind
And your emotions deepen
Now I start to think of little things
My mind relaxes
My heart sings
Possibilities are endless
I start to sigh
As I fall asleep careless
About ending time

A shadow rests on the edge of my mind.
Here all of the memories we left behind
Lay to rest in the darkness.
But they've traveled and made my life a mess.

I remember the words and beauty they told.
Ones of longing and worry and how you would hold-
Oh no- it's too late. Don't ask me why.
But the memories we made now make me cry.

Now I'm lost in metaphors and words.
My world dies
As my whole existence sighs
And each heavy drop drowns them out.

Being at war with myself, not picking a side.
No matter how hard i tried,
I'm still in love.
It hurts when i try to shove

These feelings down to the dark and deep.
So now I'll weep,
And sit in this heap,
Until I sleep.

Woke up an hour too late
My homework wasn't done
It must have been fate
Cause today already won

Got dressed for the day
And raced through my work
Forgot to pay
That incessant ****

His name is Monday
And he already won the day

"The flower that blooms in adversity
Is the most rare and beautiful of all."*

I climb to the top
I won't ever stop
I may be a woman
But I don't belong to a man

I am not the same
Or even sane
But I have fought
Because I've been taught

Fight
Never lose sight
Of life
Take the knife
Keep it near
To turn on peers

I've learned to defend
Against those who pretend
To be friends
But stab you in the end

I've fought so much
To die by my own touch.
I will fight my battles
And make the world rattle.

I'll stay true to me
Instead of flee.

Heart and soul
Body and mind

Why is it that this happens?
I shouldn't chase
I shouldn't sacrifice sanity
I shouldn't cry and bleed with

Nothing

To show I'm with you
And not pining

I should be chased
I should be given flowers and chocolate
I should have the world
I don't know where you are
Or what's happened but
I know you could give me the world
If only you knew you can
That the world to me
Is very little
It's moments
It's warmth
It's the light in the dark
It's the hand brushing away tears
It's knowing you
It's seeing you
It's mutual trust



But how can there be anything in






Nothing

I enjoy singing
not in a grand way.
But I hum and sing to
my favorite songs.

Losing my voice is such a big fear.
In more ways than one,
it connects my thoughts
to the world.

I used to believe
my voice wasn't worth hearing.
That being silent would be easier
then being heard.

I don't have anything special.
I can carry a tune
and run words together
But not in a grand way.

I sing because I enjoy it.
I write to feel my emotions, show my perspective.
It's not very magnificent,
but no one else could do it quite
like me.

.
flicker flicker
the fake candle blinks in a dark room with a loud mind
twisting and turning trying to unwind.

sigh
deep breaths calm down the racing
thump thump
of the petrified heart, just bracing
thump thump
for the worst.

sigh
shallow breathing forces the heart to slow
and she turns off the rinky **** candle instead of blow
it out.

only darkness and the glow of moonlight now.
the loud mind forced to take a bow.

you'll never be good enough
still she hears the whirring of gears
that will never stop in a trillion years,

until she's thought her whole life away.
but what if
.

Rough and lined
Quite defined
Cut and scarred
Oh so marred

Dark veins
And sharp pains
Short nails
But when all else fails

I hold your beautifully scarred hand too
And smile at the wonderful gift I've been given

.
pitter patter of little feet
pitter patter of a rainy fleet
CRASH BANG! of pots and pans
CRASH BANG! a thunderous band
screech screech from baby boo
screech screech from bird two

Wind blows through my hair
The grass soft against my feet
Everything seems fair
Even constrained in my seat

I have plenty of food
I'm safe and warm
Even if it's crude
I'm part of the norm

I'm sent to a place
That is padded ceiling to floor
I play with my dress' lace
While I sit there and bore

This is my punishment for speaking
I acted out to Him
The one who's been 'tweaking'
Me since life turned grim

Awful things happen here
But I'm grateful too
That I don't live with fear
The one I once knew
  
This punishment is minor
I've had it a time too many
For asking about her shiner
And counting to twenty

If I continue rebelling
And I do worse
Then spelling
I'll ride off in a hearse

I've been taken to a big crowd
I'm out of that room
That's when it went loud
And I heard a BOOM

That's the day I was found
The day I was me
I heard no other sound
But those of glee

I never understood
What I hadn't been told
And now I think how could
My parents never want to hold

Me

That was the day I was taught a word
One of beauty and glory
A word that I heard
That is its own story

A story so sweet
Saying I didn't need 'em
That I could meet
A world of freedom

The ones you want to keep
And the ones you don't
The ones you do keep
And the ones you don't

They say don't make promises you can't keep
Does that stop you?
No, but you don't sleep

Do you try to make less promises,
Or do you simply keep every promise you make?

So I lay waiting

For someone to keep theirs to me
And I realize when I'm old and gray
That no one will be

Keeping promises like I do
So I'll be waiting for a prince
But I never knew

That I could stand on my own
Keeping promises the same way
Never putting my heart on loan

For promises are good
But trust is far better
When battling in the wood

Darkness beckoning
And the demons all around him
Reckoning

They ask for him
I plead no
But he goes

And I'm left with broken promises..