brilliant
the fluorescent light reflects off of my glass hands
shimmering
your glowing personage dims my tiny lamp
marvelous
my pale yellow light could never begin to compare
sparkling
you are the sun, outshining every planet and star
beautiful
you deserve the world, but I can only give you the moon
incomparable

he is the autumn leaves and blueberry cake and sunshine

he is the gentle rain and purple night

he smells like grass and warmth

he tastes like coffee bean but 

i taste of nothing 

i smell like nothing

i am nothing

talking is bright and hurts my eyes

loud and a piercing white

the sound of water hitting a palm

a pen scratching out words



the touch of the world spinning on my finger

why aren't they all falling down?



the colors are all starting to fade

the walls are forcing themselves in



the pressure can't do anything

at least, that's what i tell myself

the orange bottle was in my hands

translucent and daunting

taking the oblong shapes was however vital

swallowing each pill one by one

left a burning taste in my throat

peering through my wired frames

death blew me over like a candle flame

i could just run away from the feelings

stuffed in a ***** little bottle

however the actions of others are not determined my the restless beating of my heart.



first went the girl with the long blonde hair

guns and helicopters and doctors' appointments

her backpack was passed around, making it lighter when it returned.



the tall boy opened his mouth next

tumors and legs and feeling alone

his package, too, was passed around for a lighter carry.



the girl with the round glasses looked up

police and fathers and lost purity

everyone took from her heavy bag to loosen the load.



the thin boy with the cuts spoke too

custody and friends and playdates

his luggage was considerably lighter by the time it came back.



the short girl with the large jacket decided to go

voices and death and silence

her satchel was not as full when it was placed back in her trembling hands.



finally, words jumbled at my lips

toxicity. guilt. shame. 

i couldn't hold back, my pack was too heavy

anxiety. fear. dread.

i had to take some weight off of me

anger. rage. hurt.



i opened my eyes, expecting pools of disgust on their faces

instead i see i thousand, shattered, mirrors staring back at me.

when the summer winds blow through the wood
and the scent of pine is fresh
the orange sun peeks through the foliage
and everything is tranquil

but wait too long and the sun hurts my eyes
it either much too bright in the daytime
or the light is completely gone in the night
so i savor those moments of peace

it is tiring to always cover my eyes in fear of pain
and it is terrifying to be amidst a dark forest
i am deprived and anxious everyday
so i wait for those rare sunrises

because even though i am too beaten down to enjoy the view
these are the only occasions of which no damage is being done
so i bask in the calm glow of the sunrise
bracing myself for my eyes to water

i looked you up

you're the perfect match

our personalities fit so perfectly 

please be my best friend

we can be the stars

of our own reality show

just please hug me

and never let go

As long as memories continue to stretch
I never wanted to exist
I liked being apart of the bland background
I liked the quiet peace of inattention
I liked the tranquility of not being noticed
I never allowed anyone to see who I was
Was I afraid?
I may have been
But in the end
It does not matter
You made me want to be seen
You made me want to be noticed
You made me want to exist
It is simple to explain
And I know
I could never blame you for feeling this way
I know
You are the fondest image in my mind
But it hurts
Being someone that used to feel so
Loved and cared for
Now being accused
Of dwelling on your distant gaze
And your cold presence
And however highly I think of you
I cannot make up the absence of your heart

My nervous heart thumps and nearly leaps out of my shaking chest and
Tremors can just keep continuing on forever enough to the point
Where it cannot be made into something beautiful and precious and the tears
Come in the wrong **** place and there's no where to hide
Can I hug my knees?
Because we're all stupidly pitted against each other, we always have been
Since the beginning of time
Curiosity may be what killed the cat
But anxiety brought it back to its miserable life

silence is golden

and that's why i am silver

i am second best

and i will open my mouth to speak 

the boy who will keep it all in

sugar and cinnamon escape my lips

the girl who cries alone

i will keep talking so she forgets her pain

words words words

that is all i can do

but when push comes to shove

how can i be quiet?

how can i stop talking?

when all i can do is help?

but my tongue has been sliced

there is blood in my mouth

i cannot speak

and i know that they will not want me

i am useless

and they will do what they've longed to do for a long time

they will leave