inner contention wrecked my mind
and rocked me to my core
loving you would be a ride
unrivaled, craving more.

the people i've been
and
the places i've known.

i can't turn off my brain
droning                                                                    
and                                          
droning
                                                   through internal defamation                

of no mild nature

other than the torture
twisting the knife every time
i try to say something                      
nice

about myself.

I feel like I'm the only person around
who's anticipating the comedown.

i've lost more than i care to admit
                          by battles of possession
to them i'm a trophy to win
                 a presence to dominate

so often i wait while longer they take
                      
i still reach into my chest
give them the very best                   of me

surface deep on surface thin
but under vacant stares
my body's screaming for their heart
my pulse cannot match theirs
The faithless actions in my bed reflect my tempest mind
My sheets hold saturated tears
to my anguish, keep them blind.

A sharp pang
A silent ring
Drifting from the corners of my most precious
Repression

Darting through my body in a lingering scent
That turned my heart to lead
And yanked it to the pitfalls
The brick wall of
You

And the peripheral edges I kept
Side eyes and swept
To try to reconjure the pain
Instead of your name
A free radical in my brain
Slamming my skull in remorse and disdain

“******* retrospective idealism”

I took to my fate
Satisfied the craving
In simplicity
Typically
Unbeknownst to me

And instead of refuge
I Found beaded lights in complex plight
Forced to see the stream of me
Where I usually go to break free
From you and me, an unrealistic dream

And now my solace is littered with us
I spent too long on those words
That were gathering dust
Under lock and key in my healing cortex
Cerebral disfunction in seven letter text

Over and over and over I read

Instead of release the destruction increased and I began to bleed, barriers broke with ease
A flood of contrition, prohibited paths
Thinking in numbers, extirpate my crass

Denial that I cared that you clipped your nails
No talons to scratch me, pleasure to veil
Wait til I’m gone to ease that small pain
Convert to embitterment
To not admit that I miss your name

In similar, small, ignite on my screen
I never wanted mean
And never wanted to leave

And I sat in silence
Re read and re fed
Vitality with your words

And Pretended you still meant

Them

you don't want me

sometimes you think you do
but if that were clear
why am I here in a bed with you
asking me to hold you while you cry
while you try
discerning what it is that I

                                    mean to you?

Not dead is alive enough sometimes