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May 17 · 290
Untitled
Kelly May 17
i keep my room tidy, so they'll think of me kindly
when they come for my things.
i am held, and i don't feel it
Apr 29 · 123
horses.
Kelly Apr 29
speaking for voices that cannot be heard
though purposeful, i spend more time crying for the light-handed abuse of gentle giants
or shivering legs, and increment blindness

impatience of men, inability of fault
the break what they touch and toss the lock

my back is tearing and my heart is breaking
sometimes all i can do is hold them, shaking

showing them kindness as their autonomy wanes
if i could ease their ailing, I'd take all their pain
working with animals is so rewarding , but so helpless
Apr 28 · 411
okay.
Kelly Apr 28
I am okay
it's just extremely ambiguous
              
              A word that holds just as many different meanings as there are languages in the world

i've heard almost every tongue i've encountered use it
           it means the same thing to us all
           it means everything all at once

Am I okay?

I still claw through dense sadness
I still dwell on impenetrable pain
                   I still mask wells of fiery anxiety -- ripping the pit of my stomach
                 I question the validity of my own feelings
    I struggle desperately to heal
                                                                       I'm trying, truly
I'll keep trying.


Because I am okay, I really am.

                                               I'm just within several definitions of that dangerously ambiguous word.
everything is relative, but nothing is fixed.
Apr 26 · 62
escape.
Kelly Apr 26
days pass, and that never changes
until it does
then it's what you always wanted, right?

But by then you won't want it anymore

spend your life waiting passively for a reason
                                to slip away
in a way nobody can blame you for
so your memory brings warmth and love
                rather than selfish cruelty

but when the day of your craving finally comes,
it'll be from a life you no longer want to leave
                                
and that's just the way it has to be
beg for it , until it's there
Apr 19 · 459
trying.
Kelly Apr 19
they ask me what my pain feels like,
i say not everything feels like something else
ow ow ow ow ow
Apr 13 · 108
shattered.
Kelly Apr 13
I've been silent on paper
I've been loud in my head
the voices that chatter against my skull
              Reverberations of all my shortcomings, failures,
My narratives of unworthiness

                                  I am my own detriment
                                           my own destruction

I cling to pain and welcome heartache like an old friend

                                     I was born with a broken heart
fragile and shattered
                                  carefully pieces together
                                 bursting at the seams

crushed by the hands i chose to hold it.
i break my heart to make it bigger, why not crack my skull when my mind swells
Apr 4 · 132
jamocha almond fudge.
Kelly Apr 4
i still have your favorite ice cream flavor in my notes
i don't want to forget it
just in case
I still linger on your laugh in the moments off guard, coming across your face on another's page
just in case
i remind myself of the curve of your voice, the tears on your cheeks, and the bulk of porta 800 in my pocket
just in case
i remember the smell of your skin, your ringless fingers laced in mine
just in case
I still hold the breath of our last "i love you"'s in the pit of my stomach
just in case
just in case you change your mind
just in case you come home.
Mar 24 · 361
bpd.
Kelly Mar 24
sometimes i think i'd give up my ability to touch the sky
   if it meant not feeling the crushing weight of the ocean floor
riding the waves, and always alone
Mar 22 · 414
sick.
Kelly Mar 22
I’m angry with the people who diseased my brain
I’m angry with myself for being weaker than the pain
a body I love, housing a mind I can’t claim
Mar 22 · 193
💔.
Kelly Mar 22
I grew up five years after breath gave me life.
        I still pray each day that it is 1995
I'd be adequate now
         and whole
I wouldn't have wasted my heart in their         searing cesspools
Incessant uttered pleas, marks that derange the page
Can't harbor the release my contorted heart craves

I wish just now I’d spoken the worst
    I’m so sorry to say that the pain only got worse
I was born with a broken heart
Mar 21 · 102
talk.
Kelly Mar 21
talk is cheap - that's why we bought it.
we buy the things we can afford
Mar 11 · 468
dreams.
Kelly Mar 11
i feel about you the way i feel when i wake up from a good dream:
it wasn't real, i just wanted it to be
fool me twice
Mar 10 · 157
lousy.
Kelly Mar 10
if somebody is lousy to everybody but you,
some day you'll be everybody too
you didn't love me, you loved the way i made you feel.
Mar 9 · 257
expectations.
Kelly Mar 9
what did you expect?
you met a person who leaves,
and you're one that gets left.
i wasted myself on you.
Mar 8 · 80
takers.
Kelly Mar 8
i got just what was coming
and you got just what you wanted
tear me apart
Mar 4 · 95
sucker.
Kelly Mar 4
reeled me in and just like the rest,
got what she wanted, used it
                                                        and left.
a punch to the gut, a fabricated facade
Mar 1 · 102
extremes.
Kelly Mar 1
the violent extremes
of my feelings
leave me breathless
at peace - in unrelenting moments
explosive - in calmness, unprovoked markers
of pleasantry, or people pleasing

i tackle invasive cruelty
curled into myself with tear streamed cheeks

i fight kindness blindly
and self-berate
riding the waves that i ******* hate

all of this is me
all of the extremes
but i'll hurt myself before
these things
cause others to bleed.
hurt people shouldn't hurt people
Feb 28 · 85
doormat.
Kelly Feb 28
i've spent far too long
              compromising my sense of self
grating my back against the broken shards of angry takers

i'm giving my best to the wrong set
               cracking my chest over and over
and before the breach heals
                 i hand the chisel
                         to a new set of hands
unrelenting and unforgiving

                                  i should still remain a light
                                  i should still remain in love

it's all i know how to be
                            all i can see
is the very best of people
                            even if they're mean

there's no glory in this test
i'm just rolling stones up unrelenting hills
                        
                                  ­      hoping for the best
the world is the most cruel to the most kind hearts
Feb 26 · 306
nightmares.
Kelly Feb 26
dreamt I got to say all the things I felt to the people who made me feel them

and it didn’t make a f*cking difference
selfish people give selfish love
Feb 25 · 84
worth.
Kelly Feb 25
I’ll ******* better than you’ve ever been ******

But mostly,
I’ll love you better than you’ve ever been loved
I do not know how to love slowly
Feb 24 · 250
truth.
Kelly Feb 24
when you cut your hair, you cut your kindness too

now I don’t even recognize you
all I ever wanted
Feb 23 · 899
myself.
Kelly Feb 23
i wake up each morning with myself
i fall asleep every night
with myself
I hold myself when I'm sad
and hurt myself when
i'm angry
i wipe my tears through the difficulties
and berate myself through
my failures
i love everything i hate about myself
and hate everything i love
about myself.
i'd leave me if i could, i wouldn't want to be anybody else
Feb 19 · 89
liar.
Kelly Feb 19
I wish when you said you loved me
       you didn’t have your fingers crossed
Feb 18 · 194
ouch.
Kelly Feb 18
i was told i need to let peoples' actions prove their words,
while i've been using their words to justify their actions.
will i ever learn
Feb 15 · 130
salt.
Kelly Feb 15
i can try to blame lovers,
    but it's not all their fault
  i'm still learning the difference
between white sugar
                                      and salt
stand up for yourself, kelly
Feb 14 · 1.5k
pain.
Kelly Feb 14
I fit in my body pretty great,
    but not so much in my brain
you are going to struggle kid, but you’re going to be okay
Feb 10 · 459
words.
Kelly Feb 10
"your brain is so colorful
                          look how your style has changed
you bring light to the darkness
                       and beauty from your pain"

and words lack in meaning
      but these i can see
                                        they dance to my ears
and ease
                         my bleeding
life is so full
Feb 9 · 109
cruelty.
Kelly Feb 9
mourning the loss of people who never existed
you painted a picture


and i believed it.
perhaps you're the one with cruelty.
Feb 8 · 89
together.
Kelly Feb 8
my dreams were penetrated by pain
and my brain  
is fog again

the vastly built highs of self discovery
shattered against the cliffs
of my functionality

pushed and pulled by relentless waves
no desire for hands
that come to save me

we cling to each other in
tempest weather

no will to survive, but we'll do so

together.
share my pain
Feb 7 · 217
possession.
Kelly Feb 7
i've lost more than i care to admit
                          by battles of possession
to them i'm a trophy to win
                 a presence to dominate

so often i wait while longer they take
                      
i still reach into my chest
give them the very best                   of me
i just want to love
Feb 4 · 103
compliments.
Kelly Feb 4
he told me i was cool
and he liked my tattoos
and the the things that i do

she told me i was pretty
that there's nobody like me
jaw drawn with a pilot hi-tec-c


and i agree


but when i stare at the mirror
all these external attributes
and uncontrolled aesthetics
mean nothing to me

a façade of allure
when the reality is much more haunting
enough to deter
even my own heart

faced with a stream
of compliments on how i seem
"but do you LIKE me?"
am i a person to you
Feb 4 · 228
hazel.
Kelly Feb 4
i've consistently felt painless
   since three days of darkness
clawing ambition from my aching chest
                to mend a void
chiseled by carelessness
                                            and neglect

and at times i've felt angry
for the frivolous misuse
                  of my heart
a muscle weak from abuse
   and never strong enough to love
                                                                  just right

but words from the lips on a crisp metal string
          played in my ears and i couldn't stop the tears
carving into my cheeks
                     and crashing the highs

because west coast, she lies
                                      
                                  they're not hazel eyes.
Feb 2 · 91
entropy.
Kelly Feb 2
are you talking to your friends?
seeking comfort somewhere closer?
and these thoughts i stick and cycle
over and over and over
and i feel so ****** helpless
like i'm nowhere near a lover
but i want to be supportive
so these thoughts, i lie and cover
and your pain is in my chest
your tears are in my covers
and my bed feels like a prison
cold sweating with a fever
i hate the distance with a passion
and i want to be there for you
but i know within the space there's love

and i'm doing all that i can do
hindsight, but it was excruciating.
Feb 1 · 112
misery.
Kelly Feb 1
i was asked if i find comfort in my misery
             as if sadness is a part of me

and for the first time in a while, i cracked a smile --
            and light shone through the gaps between my teeth
spilling truth onto polished wood
  and knowing i was understood

the matte felt blackness around my heart
  the cold abhorrence
        padlocked behind a push-pull door
that always falsely blocks exertion
                                 despite direction

crumbling walls with little force
                  just push a bit, and you'll get more

than you asked for.
Jan 24 · 141
bones.
Kelly Jan 24
even my responsibilities feel a bit purposeless
an extra buck
                                         for what?
to stack on the numbers in my account
          for some sort of muffled safety
a tactic pressed from another time
                                            that doesn't matter to me anymore

i just want to lift my skull from the temples and
            remove the vessel
                                             tortuous and fruitful
   in constant bloom
                   spreading grotesque petals into every avenue
           of this festering cortex

i want to lift my spine from my shoulders
           and fill the space with every ache
                                                 for change

so none of me remains.
Jan 23 · 145
go.
Kelly Jan 23
go.
I think I need to spend time with a higher power
        but crashing waves and mountain ranges
don’t sit nearby
                       to remind me
that things much bigger than I am
      pull the tides
                             and carve the rock face
and threaten every safe space

I’ve been spending so much time
      crawling between caverns
               and doubtful sounds
to avoid the rain          or keep my shoes clean
               and my mind sane

but cover never shoved growth
                         down your throat
the way that rain soaks your clothes
       and shows all you’ve yet to know


- so go.
Jan 23 · 91
steroids.
Kelly Jan 23
cold sweats in the winter
     are a different breed of agony
i shiver in my heat
         and damp sheets
staring up at the ceiling fan
        begging its blades to drip down the wall
     and surround me
confined to the safe isolation of my room

no more bodies warm my sheets
i'm tired of cycling through empty feelings
           pulling love with my teeth

i'm tired
                                   i'm tired
                 i'm tired

there must be more than this uncertainty
am i moving or not
Jan 19 · 193
waiting.
Kelly Jan 19
stagnant-
some cinematic period of waiting
like i haven't been weighing
the value of my continued breathing
seething in uncertainty
and stationary helplessness
Dec 2021 · 223
change.
Kelly Dec 2021
big decisions without remission
        of my illnesses
on so heavy a scale
faring well,
all things considered
just do the next right thing
Dec 2021 · 91
se manquer.
Kelly Dec 2021
call me,

                               i still love you
I miss you too
Dec 2021 · 74
holidays.
Kelly Dec 2021
I love my family more than anything
I just wish they were gentler
                                                      wit­h me
Dec 2021 · 90
selfishness.
Kelly Dec 2021
I regret absolutely nothing
except for not letting you go
with a little more grace
more selfless love
Dec 2021 · 206
don’t.
Kelly Dec 2021
I thought I was good at this
a delicately constructed mask
form fitting and leering
Subject to dissipative resistance
And emboldened flashy facades

Am I the type to scream of my pain
The size of my plate
too portioned to shame
still lay open to you
And you laughed in my face
Pressed liquor to my throat
And called me lame

Berated and hated the break in my spine
Pressed me to the wall when I turned down your white lines
Resentment and hatred burned into my hips

I needed my friend

you just needed my tricks
alonealonealonealonealone
Dec 2021 · 109
home.
Kelly Dec 2021
i'd pull vitality from my blood
       into the breaks of your skin
and carefully stitch you together
      with the inhale i take
                                                before breath
    passes my lips
    in between slips             of my obsidian front
                 crumbling from your gentle touch

i'd grab the air by the waist
                and press this taste deep into your bones
       and hope at the very least
                                              you could make a home

in me.
i want to love all of you
Dec 2021 · 182
drowning.
Kelly Dec 2021
i could never take for granted
   waking up in a room filled with your heat
      watching the gentle heartbeat
pulsing in your neck
        echoing the rhythmic,
                                                      c­onsistent,
outpouring of love from my own chest

And so powerful a word, sullied by
               frivolous and fickle misuse
now washes over me
                                                    overwhelmi­ngly
when i catch the currents
                     of your warm red tide
                                                            ­      pulling me under

and knowing i can breathe so much better
                                                          ­                            underwater.
you could have my heart.
Dec 2021 · 145
nyc.
Kelly Dec 2021
I used to think I fell in love with possibility
Concrete walls brimming with opportunity
And sudden metallic jerks
Running Rails on Halsey street
As well as the bathroom stalls
Of Brooklyn beer bars
Funneling my vision through crooked teeth
And clippings, semantics separated by seconds
Between moments of forgotten clarity
But now I see

It’s just a city

And I’m still painfully me
Nov 2021 · 84
robotic.
Kelly Nov 2021
my limbs creak with metallic rust
and i dust off the wires in my brain
far less humane
than acknowledging the steady feed
of coded numbers contracting my muscles
and moving throughout the days

i hate this place

but there is absolutely no trace
of life within me
aside from the mundane fog of rolling admission
cycling through the space between my ears
dulling all my tears
and scaring me into a shackled hell
of cycled fear

and i feel
                      absolutely

                                                nothing.
Nov 2021 · 77
quiet.
Kelly Nov 2021
Me to my brain: QUIET
Nov 2021 · 64
ed.
Kelly Nov 2021
ed.
i'm pulling at my skin again

breaking and hating
my body.
Nov 2021 · 230
worth.
Kelly Nov 2021
i can't turn off my brain
droning                                                                    
and                                          
droning
                                                   through internal defamation                

of no mild nature

other than the torture
twisting the knife every time
i try to say something                      
nice

about myself.
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