How to cook a gourmet (whatever the hell that means) dinner:

Step 1: Send your boyfriend a text inviting him over for a romantic, candlelit home-cooked gourmet dinner.

Step 2: Remember that you are forever alone and don’t have a boyfriend.

Step 3: Go buy mass amounts of chocolate and cry about it.

Step 4: Get over it and invite over your grandmother instead.

Step 5: Preheat the oven to 975 degrees

Step 6: Freak out about the fire in your oven and turn it off.

Step 7: Open all your doors to let the smoke out.

Step 8: Get out all the ingredients you need for the recipe you are
following.

Step 9: End up eating most of the ingredients before you even get to
use them.

Step 10: Spill oil and wine all over your recipe book (umm pffft the
wine is TOTALLY one of the ingredients, that’s why you had it out… heh heh… yeah…)

Step 11: Panic and try to dry it off by taking the book outside and waving it around.

Step 12: Watch in horror as all the pages in your book tear and fly off
into the wind.

Step 13: Chase hopelessly after the pages down the block screaming
swear words and having a heart attack.

Step 14: Politely smile and wave awkwardly at your neighbour who
hates you.

Step 15: Yell an apology across the street to that other neighbour who
REALLY doesn’t like you with the little five year old daughter who is
now repeating all of your colorful vocabulary words you just yelled.

Step 16: Reluctantly accept the fact that your recipes are gone. And also
that you have just contributed to the global problem of littering the
streets.

Step 17: Walk back to your smoke-scented house in shame.

Step 18: Look through pictures of scrumptious-looking meals on
Pinterest.

Step 19: Get inspired and decide to put your brilliant idea of creating your own recipe into action.

Step 20: Get out your frying pan and throw a bunch of random ingredients in.

Step 21: Put out yet another fire and realize that marshmallows, sprinkles, raisins, baking soda, orange peels and liquid gasoline probably wouldn’t have tasted very good together anyway.

Step 22: Wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Step 23: Get distracted by the television for half an hour.

Step 24: Try to microwave 2 week old mac and cheese you forgot to
throw out.

Step 25: Watch as your microwave malfunctions and spontaneously
combusts.

Step 26: Decide to clean it up later because you just cannot even deal
with it right now.

Step 27: Fill a *** with water to make pasta and try to boil the water.

Step 28: Somehow manage to burn the water.

Step 29: Wonder how that even happened?!!!!

Step 30: Give up and call the pizza delivery guy.

Step 31: When you grandmother arrives have her take a seat in the
kitchen.

Step 32: Call an ambulance when she has a heart attack seeing the mess
in your kitchen.

Step 33: Get ready to leave and drive after the ambulance to the
hospital with your grandmother once the pizza arrives so you can
bring it with you. Get a call from the pizza place.

Step 34: Listen to the manager explain that your pizza spontaneously
burst into flames in the oven and they are terribly sorry there will be a
delay in the delivery due to this.

Step 35: Pass out.

I deal with problems
In a funny way
and maybe it's because I'm selfish but
My own problems
devour me
If someone I care about
"Burdens" me (as they would say)
with their problems
It sort of drowns out my problems
Which is a good thing
Because no matter how loud I scream
No matter if I have shrieked in terror, loathing, and misery
Until my throat is raw
At my problems
I. Can. Still. HEAR. THEM.
But to hear of someone else’s life
That is far worse than I could ever imagine
It drowns out those voices in my head
…but last time
I didn’t handle it well.
That was my fault
I should have been trustworthy enough
Not to make it worse
I should have been a good friend
But I WASN’T! I KEPT HER COMPANY IN HER PRISON CELL, THE ONE SHE CALLS HER MIND
AND THAT WAS MY FAULT I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THAT
I should have anchored myself to the shore
And kept her alive, and above the surface
In the light
But I didn’t
I just drowned with her
Down in the darkest depths
I just dragged her down farther
And I will admit
At the moment
I am not on shore
But I am not in an ocean, like her
I am treading water
In the nearest lake
And after last time, I don’t blame her for a second for not telling me
I don’t deserve to be trusted
But last time we were both in the ocean
I think I just have trouble handling it when we are both in the same type of trouble
This time
I am just struggling to stay afloat in a lake
Lakes are nice
Less of a big deal
I’m fine
Really
I will have good days and bad days in this lake
But really, I’m fine
Now that she has trusted me enough
To tell me her problems
If she is in an ocean
And I am in a lake
There is a stretch of land between us
If knowledge of secrets are chains
Running from her, to shore, to me
Then maybe I can help to keep her afloat this time
I will keep her afloat this time
I promise I will
I hope that she can trust me enough
From now on
To tell me her problems
Because this time is different
There is always potential
For it to get dark again
But that is only
If I learned absolutely nothing from last time
And I promise I certainly learned a lot
I can handle it
It hurts me far, far more
To not know what is bringing her down
It breaks my heart to think
She is afraid to dump all her problems on me
Because I want her to dump all her problems on me
It drowns out my own
And it makes me aware
And I just want to help her
I really just want to help her
Not like last time
I want another chance
To be trusted with everything
The way it used to be
To be trusted with all of the burdens
Because this time
I won’t ***** it up
I won’t let the burden crush me too
It’s like if someone hands you 30 pounds
You might fall if you weren’t expecting it
But this time
I know to expect it and how to not let it crush me
Please
I just want to be trusted
To have learned enough not to let it just get dark again between us
I want to be trusted with all the burdens
Because I can take it
It won’t  trigger me
I understand if you keep things from me
And I will never be angry with you for it
But it hurts me so much more
Not to know
Please trust me again.
Please.

Does anyone else ruin other people's knock knock jokes 'cause it's funny as hell? :P

example: knock knock

it's open

no!!!! knock knock!

Go away I'm sleeping!

stop it! just do it properly! knock knock!!

sigghhh who's there

Lettuce!

Oh! Hi Lettuce! Come on in, I haven't seen you in forever? How's life been? Stuff at the office going well?

NOOO!!! stop wrecking it!!!



Does anyone else get WAY more excited about the bubble wrap in their gift than the actual present regardless how old you get?

Does anyone else try to register under a username that is actually significant or symbolic somehow but every single one is taken and eventually you end up going: *pfftt ***** creativity. I'm just gonna smack my forehead into the keyboard and hope for the best. 78yl4hkjgosreiuh. there. good enough.

Does anyone else completely cover their arms in words if they have access to a pen? :P

Does anyone else stay up really late like the badass they are... to read novels in the dead of the night? :P

Does anyone else insist it isn't that cold outside and refuse to wear a thick jacket then find out it actually is freaking freezing out but refuse to admit it and think oh well, my pride will keep me warm! ...omfg im an icicle.

Does anyone else read a text from someone then have to google what one of their abbreviations or words or slangs mean instead of just asking them so they don't feel stupid?

Does anyone else laugh at RIDICULOUSLY stupid things, but can hardly breathe they are laughing so hard?

Does anyone else get that feeling where you just want to jump right out of bed? HA! yeah, me neither.

Me when I'm ******:

Stage 1: Politely nodding and smiling. Thinking: Omfg shut up.

Stage 2: Staring at them blankly. Thinking: I'm gonna **** myself.

Stage 3: Clenched jaw and glaring. Thinking: I'm gonna **** YOU

Stage 4: Completely lost it, revving chainsaws (no accident that I pluralized chainsaws) and burning **** down, the town is in ruins and I am evilly cackling insanely and raiding chocolate stores. *Thinking: MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I can sneak around a house without making a sound
I could be a burglar (except I have no desire to ***** up other peoples lives and be a thief violating their homes and stealing their stuff but aside from that...)

I can bluff really well in board games and cards

I can smoothly slip things into my pocket without anyone noticing

I can hold grudges. forever
literally.