Brain bouncing off the walls,
moving at a fast pace,
generating questions it use to keeps flitting
between the past and what will happen in the future.
I enjoy the high where my brain stays in the present and moves into a meditative state even if it's just for half hour in a quiet state of consciousness.

No negative voices
constant brain chattering
and earth shaking hand jitters
just in the moment and rhythm of time
taking in what happens and
enjoying the simple things around me,
taking in the crisp calmness of the air I breathe,
warm hugs I feel and just what my eyes see.

I  really want to be able to enjoy listening to my music;
most of the time all I hear is just loud static
noisy background sounds which
keep getting in the way;
its no fun when the music you listening to
is interrupted by pointless sounds outside
or the flat above me.
I often can not see good either;
I try really hard to focus my sight;
my eyes are often disrupted by
the bright lights surrounding it
which makes my eyes quite sore.
I often wear sunglasses to alleviate this problem,
I really can't wait for the day
where I won't need them anymore.
I will be able to see the beauty of nature
and appreciate the sunshine.  
These are things people often
take for granted
but are things I adore.    
I really want to be able to hear
the lovely voices of my friends
be able to finally keep up
have a laugh and a decent conversation.  
I can only hear fragments of what they are saying;
but I do my best to understand,
and believe me when I say this
I'm really not that dumb as I appear  
with ADHD my mind is
racing at a million miles a hour;
I'm in charge of maintaining its engine;
and I have to keep up with this every day,  
slowing it down so I can steer it on course
and not keep crashing.  
I do wish I could turn off this engine
for a minute and stay still in the moment.
Learn to be calm in stressful situations
and well just relax
direct my energy and
thoughts in some order;
have full belief in myself
that I can do well and be good at things.
its not fully achievable just yet
It'll take a lot of time and practice
as long as I have to passion to keep learning  
with the right level of medication  
maybe one day this will be reality
and not just a dream in my head.

The reality is hitting home,
music is changing
all the time.
Music is being recorded and purchased
through the miracle of the wide web.

This is not a new phenomenon
you can learn and listen to
something new every day.

On one hand you
can make some great
beats even recording
on your mobile phone.

You can buy any instrument
you want to purchase through websites
pay any time and any where
you like
It will be posted
to your home.
No hassel,
no queues;
the small price and shame
is when you hear wonderful music places
are never the same!

In the early noughties
music shop's was the place to be
hook up for a day
sample and play
vinyl and records,
listen to new beats
play and buy an new instrument,
word of mouth about
new bands,  
connect for hours with other music fans
about what you enjoy
and what you like to hear play
on the airwaves.

It's different nowadays
we can promote
at the comfort of home,
connect through laptop
and phone screen.

Create band page's,
blogs, post online
reviews. Share video's
to broadcast the sounds,
and ideas to upcoming stages.

Hell yeah music will always be here,
there is no fear,
when there is local gigs, music clubs
and open mics, playing the music
all year taking you to new thrills,
higher heights,
keep that magic alive,
support your local music scene.

Why do I feel lost?
the spirits
pass through
my dark
skull shape
heart.

I don’t feel
I can’t write
my heart
feels cold
my fingers hold
the rusty
pen of steel.  

I don’t know
the question?
I take a pill
Life’s only cure:
that inner remedy
What’s wrong
What is right?
I lose the lesson.


Losing more of myself
drowning in the
murky water:

Just can’t win...
life’s a fight:
a game of chance
to the bitter end.

Relationship that stern, thoughtful Sonnet:
passionate words are restrained.
Pass that beer and tonic
drown the scars of pain.

Does this forced enough?
covered in kisses, lost in time.
We lay in bed about to make love.
We are not at the same rhythm.
We couldn't keep up that rhyme.
Words of utter distortion,
treading further with careful feet:
lips kissing with caution.
Us both leaving slowly
in that black hole,
behind the last train.
Rules been broken.

This isn't a sonnet, just random
spontaneous incomplete words
spun together. GRR... Words
GRR... that twisted verse.

You are an inspiration, a Muse
Fed me ideas, fed me words.
Your not to be abused.
Your meanings are heard:
the free bird, the free poet.
I could never make you suffer
Trapped in kisses, hugs of Envy.

I wanted to admire you:
admire that beauty.
Your the art I discovered
never to touch.

I love your voice, twisting
words, metaphors of
politics... knocked up.

We read such beautiful
ballads exposing the
crooked past we share.
We wrote, we read and recite.
Drink to share that regret, that shame.
Watching protests of pent up anger
sharing the same humiliation
that same physical... pain

We search  for that one person,
the Muse to set us free.
Heal scars of
the scorned heart
escape the scolding fire.

You are the best friend,
the comrade, the big brother,
never my lover.

Leaves are my
green corset,
they flutter to
the dance of
the wind.

My book
feels empty.

There are
no words.

I press the
flower into
the pages.

I blink.

My eyes open
fully dilated.

I can see words.
the ink fades and
splurges red
into the corner
of the page.

Docs think they can cure and make me feel better,
come up with a solution to life's problems
assess me with another mental disorder,
put it to order with my letter and GP report along with my prescription, 100mg lamotrigine once a month medication
to numb the daily pain.
It feels like a gun shot to the brain!
Moods rising and falling caused by shock and trauma
what exactly happened mind was wiping out the physical and mental torture!

It doesn't quieten the voices if anything just eradicate my memory now I get blanks in my head
family and friends have to fill in the gaps and scenes
that are now missing. I become constantly hungry and incomplete numb feeding myself those pills to keep my emotions asleep, docile quiet and unfulfilled quivering with shakes and sweats
had to wait to collect my tabs at the medical centre
you know what one day I came into see my psychiatrist with a new perspective and conclusion meds can not cure me
their the brain's bicycle stabilisers to keep it trekking along
and not falling into the realm of unknown and into the great beyond but i know some natural remedies to alleviate me.

He nodded you've done research Miss Leiser. Your go far should go into teaching or be a therapy. Do you want to hear the 5 natural remedies to remember
1. acceptance of what has just happened can't be changed the horror of ****** trauma. I went through when I was 21 feeling helpless and weak, couldn't speak, was in shock!

Crying and feeling alone. I could either be the victim drowning myself in beer and punishing myself every year

letting him and the voices win blaming myself and living in guilt and fear that I could have acted and stopped it asked for help instead of suffering in silence

or be warrior that will overcome accept past is over, calm my anger and forgive the man that did this to me. Believe it or not he hasn't changed but I've been the better person by not reacting to the rage and negative voices -

*****, ****, *****.

At one point I wanted him to feel my pain and punch the ******* down and for him to do time for committing the crime. What would be the the point of seeking revenge it will only get the pigs on me and will the anger make me any better than him.
In the end I accepted an half hearted apology but whether he has learnt his lesson is unknown. I will let karma deal with him and he'll stay the **** away me will not let him or anyone get to me again!

No one will lead me astray  will not end up sick in the hospital or alone in the gutter. Don't let the haters bring you down, now changed my way of thinking - been keeping positive, ignore deception, ******* and lies.

2nd natural cure build my creativity write and help people with rhymes and build up moral and educate people on mental health and good decency. Making people laugh with sharp wit and tips.

Third remedy - exercising my body - walking in the sunshine eating good food and looking after my diet.  

and finally forth remedy  meditation and relaxation - cleansing my charkas, releasing the negative energy being made aware of the energy vampires that surround every day there the best cures you can master in order to get better faster.

Playing her
melody she
plucks each
string in a careful
manner:

She can see an shadow  
mimicking each move
made the reflection
that sits behind her
cutting the fine tuned
strings with her dagger

Her song keeps looping
in the background
but comes to the
grinding end.  

She could not hear
her song, the melody
the words that once
came together.

It became silent

Her heart loops
beats stops
the song of her life
falls incomplete
she falls into
a coma
death's
sleep

For Aimee's birthday the plan was to get her first tattoo. She was a blond hair lady with a wide bust, huge hips and big *****. Her ***** were one of her best assets she loved to see her body as her canvas her  piece of art; she got her  mind set on getting a rose and heart near her ***** and chest.

She went online booked an appointment in the nearest tattoo parlour to book her consultation to meet the tattoo artist who will be working on this project with her and this was where she met MR Pain.

MR Pain was an  average built man with some muscle tone on his legs and arms. He had tattoo's covering every flex of his body. He wasn't much of the talker in the first meeting more of a quiet and down to earth man. He asked

“ Okay what part of your body would you want the tattoo?”  

“She shyly said “my *****”

His eyes gleamed started to fixate on them as he chuckle

“ well that can be arranged”
I hope you have you brought a design or a piece of artwork with you so I can see a visual design of what you what to have done on your skin”

she took out the picture, he attentively looked at it for half hour and said

“heart and a rose…
this…
could take a few sessions…  
depends on how much detail you want in your design”

He randomly blurted out

“Mmm… I love your *****”.

“More to the point – serious question would you to be able to take on pain? think about it first.

I could show you want you be facing up to with an early demonstration just sign the contract it'll be my treat for your 18th birthday do you fancy hooking up for a drink at my place”

Aimee couldn't see much in the contract the print was tiny; she felt his warm gaze and grin darting around her as she tried to make out what it was saying. His eyes hypnotic and calculating

“Do we have a deal!”

Aimee smiled and nodded she signed her name and said
“can see no wrong in that” its only a drink”

Mr Pain with rasping voice replied

“Excellent!”

Aimee shyly said “should I bring anything with me?”

Mr Pain shrugged

“Nah, I got plenty of drink”
everything we need is here at my place,
don't worry bring yourself
will order a taxi my treat”.

As soon as Aimee got home she had  a bath in honey and milk bath oil. Her ***** were like two huge sunken peaches glazed out in the sun. She got out of her bath robe and placed a long black dress and heels with pink lipstick.  All ready for the evening, she entered the taxi the driver was glaring at her  through the mirror

“You look nice!
“where you going to?”
Aimee gave him the slit of paper with Mr Pain's home address:

the cab driver looked horrified
he silently started to mutter to himself

“that place”,
“another victim;
she’s the third woman this week  
I would be careful with MR Pain,
“I have heard many stories”

Aimee shrugged

“Are you sure?
Can't be the same man
I know ”

Taxi driver shook his head.

“For **** sake
another dippy girl,
what's the world coming to
this is why I hate my job”

He opened up the cab door. Aimee stepped out the taxi

“Thanks for the tip.
Have a good evening.
be careful hunny”  

III MR Pain's Headquarters

Mr pain was waiting outside in the garden.  Dressed head to toe black. His grin slightly twisted and eyes gleaming in the sunlight.  

“Good of you to make it.
Aimee looking beautiful,
make yourself  comfortable.
I will be back with you shortly
I'm with another client.

Aimee waited in the living room for mr pain she could hear random screams and sound of crashing whips from downstairs wailing sounds of another lady
crying out
“ yes master will do what you want”

Aimee was  shaken up by the noise but turned on by the intensity of it all. She laid on the sofa and circled around her ******* with her fingers while doing this she was unaware mr pain was watching her through the CCTV camera. His voice loud and commanding

“I take it your ready for the demonstration”

Aimee stopped what was she was doing
feeling startled by his voice and stammering

“Yes- I - am”  

“Excellent – it may surprise you,
put the blindfold on it is on the table
there will be someone that will
take you through to the main room”

Aimee was feeling anxious and shaken now there were so many things going through her mind

what was the demonstration about ?
Why was there whips and screams?
why was the taxi driver talking
about girls being victims  

“I feel tired mr pain
wish to go home”

“Nonsense you got here,
your not going anywhere
you'll love it”

The figure placed the blindfold over her eyes; led her through a dark tunnel. The room was a cold and damp there were two other girls  with blindfolds being chained and whipped to the wall. Their skin looked as if they had at least 2 lashings a day from the whip there were bite marks and bruises around their body pleasure apparently was substituted equally with the pain. Mr pain got his whip ready; Aimee could not believe what she was seeing around her.  

“Your a fraud, your no tattoo artist
your a *******
a dangerous man
I knew I should have listened
to the taxi driver”

Mr pain voice raspy but more commanding now

“Yes you should have your going no where until my little demonstration is complete
then you can go free ”

He took out the gag from his pocket and placed it on her mouth so she could not speak, grabbed out the  whip and gave her a lashing; followed by gnawing on her ******* and chest;

“You feel what pain is"

He laid her on the table restrained her arms and legs she can not move and fight his advances. He licked her *******; making his way to her ***** licking up and down then in circular movements while Aimee was moaning she started to ***; he then took out what looked to be a huge ***** from the cupboard; pushing it into her ***** her eyes rolled to the side she started to squirm, she didn't know whether to squeal or scream  as pleasure and pain were intensified and felt equal in measure. His **** grew in size with now a huge  hunger in his eyes he pushed his **** further into her making her legs weak and squeal he could feel her heat up and ****** all over the table: he then rolled her to the side and pushed his **** into her *** pushing it all the way in he could now hear her muffled squeals as he fill her up with his ***.

“Demonstration is over; your free to go: taxi will pick you up, its up to you if you return for more but if you say anything about this; I will find you and you'll be back here and will belong to me”  

Aimee quickly put her dress on her. Looking shaken and tired, bruises and marks on her sweat and *** on her too she went straight for the cab. The driver took pity on her and didn't charge her  for the ride.  It was all a distant black memory she didn't say a thing. it was all a blur, a dark secret she was worried about the other girls; did they escape in the end from the crutches of mr pain or did they chose to stay there with him: she was just happy to escape and be free.

You breath in
the dark shadows
blood seeps from
your fangs :
lust slithers
into dead
wounds.
The white
of your eyes
is the disguise
the moon
that sparkles
and soothes:
Staring in
the murky
water you
see the monster
you become.
The leeches
that ****
and slither
feasting
upon each
human
creature.

I want to survive this fight. I keep battling it every day.                 Sometimes                     the struggle                           just to breathe,    sometimes                     the struggle    
is to eat.                           I  do the best I can      to get through my day. It's been 3 year's of hell for me just one huge battle that I finally want to win and  survive for my daughter sake to see her grow up and to grow old with my other half is my only wish. Its really taking a lot of  energy out of me.                                  I feel like               crying at times,                            
but you know what       I will never give up. 
You never feel the same again and you always feel the pain.                                 I do this for my daughter and for my other half.                    
My other half does what he can and tries really hard to make me laugh. Distract me from all the horror life is now putting me through.                          Will I finally beat it and win this battle only time will tell.   Just want more than anything to feel fit and well again.

When I got the bad news a month a go
that there was a chance I could have gotten
Cancer if I had left it any longer.
The nurse had given me a smear test
I had no clue:
I just knew I didn't feel that well
at the end of last year
start of this one.
They told me I have some
precancerous cells and now
I'm my first treatment this week is due.
If I hadn't gone for that smear test
I wouldn't have known and it could have gotten
worst for me that was a huge  shock to my system!


Its been a whirlwind of a month
since my first examination results
only last year I was diagnosed
with a brain cyst
thought I got through
the worst of that
sadly deep down I just knew
something was still very wrong with my health;
I kept pursuing the doctors and investigated it over the year
and only now we're finding out I am needing
my first treatment this week:
its very early stages ****** cancer
but you never think
this is going to happen to you.


I just froze inside when I read the letter
I didn't know how to think or feel.
Life has always been a tough ride for me:
I realize all the pain I went through
now I am learning to love me more
and I am staying true to myself.
I realize I just lost my passion
over the years;  getting over constant
heart ache, mental abuse and feeling the pain
and sadness inside my head
as I found it difficult to show
my emotions on the outside.


Drinking ***** just to numb
and make me forget all the bad
you know what I never really did:
it always lingered and stayed with me.
Facing negative remarks, trauma and alcoholism.
I met some lovely souls along the way
but some horrible ones too. I constantly
was held back of what I wanted to do
had nasty people saying
you will never amount to anything
or you can't do that.


Taking advantage of my kindness and leaving me high and dry
you know what I am really better than this;
I am not even angry or sad anymore at the bad people
just want to settle the scores straight.
I made some bad mistakes in the past.
I'm already suffering for this now
paying the price with the pain
I am feeling
hopefully this won't last.


I feel scared inside but I am no coward
I am a fighter all the way and a survivor too
I know I will recover from this ordeal
and come out stronger and better than ever.
I have still a lot of fight in me
and a lot to learn and discover
and chasing my dreams
no longer letting people
push into the gutter as I did before.


I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter
and feel this is my main purpose in Life
to be the best mummy I can be to her
and not let her down.
I want her to do well;
avoid all the things that
sadly got in my way in Life.
If I was just a bit stronger
said no and stood up for myself more
I would have pulled through;
I have a new calling now in Life.
I just want to see my daughter grow up
make sure she finds someone that genuinely
wants to be there for her and cares and loves her
the same way her daddy feels for me.


I hope to see her grown up
and for her to have kids too.
I am very blessed to have
such lovely family, partner, daughter
and know amazing health care professional people
working on my side with a bit of treatment
will help me to recover
give me hope and strength
to do the best I can to be there
and always protect
my little gem of an daughter,
who was born in the time of the angels 11.11.
She was sent from the Heaven's to guide me
and be the best I can through my Life.


I am also very fortunate of course
to have a loving partner by my side
who stood by me from the start of our daughter's Life.
He makes me laugh
I have learnt a lot from him
we learn new things about each other all the time.


In this ordeal I will not give up
the fight and keep
trying my best
and for all those dear spirits I have lost
in the last few years will keep on smiling.

Never be a people pleaser
observe before you
invite anyone new to your inner circle.

Friendship and love
shouldn't come with any price tag.

The day when I was a people pleaser
was the day I lost myself
and now I'm just a shadow,

It began when I was 11
I was aware of my body image
got abuse and name calling by other
kids at school; starved myself of food
to make myself look thin;
I figured people would like me more;
then I would finally fit in.
You see it in the magazines and telly
the negative remarks I got of
being fat made me do it.
I refused to eat breakfast or lunch
was pale white and felt like death.
Feeling faint and falling asleep in class:
falling over in the corridor on my ***
doctors said I was anaemic
all it did was make me ill and I felt worst.
It didn't change how people
saw me, I was always alone
and no one really had taken much notice.

The day where I was a people pleaser
it affected my physical and emotional health.
It was the day I lost myself
and now I'm just a shadow.

When 15 I had the right idea
I stopped caring about what people
thought about me
and focused on
what makes me happy
it didn't matter I had no friends.
To beat the loneliness I was busy.
I concentrated on studying
went into my creative writing
played sports loved
physical activity
didn't mingle with the other girls
but it didn't matter;
just enjoyed every minute of running
and playing through the muddy field.

I wish I stayed that girl I was at 15
she had the right idea.

In the last ten years I ended up losing my mind,
reality sunk in
felt like the lost child again
bullied again
for being different,
couldn't stand up for myself
and say NO
I ended up dealing with abuse
from people who I thought were my friends
having problems with dangerous addictions
as I couldn't cope with all the negative emotions.
I know I can't please everyone its impossible!
I wanted to try and be there for everyone
and support them but
in the end I was dead inside
like a lifeless battery
it drained me dry.  
I realize this is
not always a possibility.
My battle to say no to things
I almost ended up losing my life.

When I was a people pleaser
it almost cost me my life.
I lost my self and now I'm only a shadow.

It took time to assess the situation
when I woke up in hospital.
You must be able to look after yourself first
before you can help anyone else.
You can not take away anyone else's pain
or make them happy
they have to do it for themselves
but you can be there for them on the other end of the phone
or have a chat over coffee.

Friendship and love doesn't come with a price tag
the moral is don't people please
observe and be there
and keep your circle of friends small
or your lose your soul and be the shadow.

I know that my eye sight
affects my ability to read and write.
I can't stand the sunlight / lights being on them;
it makes me feel poorly and bad
you know what this
will not make me feel sad.
The eye spasm's are a huge pain;
things haven't been the same.
The eye pains wake me up and disturb my sleep
but it does not make me weep.
I refuse to let it get me down;
and life will get better and good again;
just by learning to do things I enjoy
singing, coloring and getting
out my notepad and pen.  
Writing puts my life to right;
its about learning to adapt to
problems in life and learn to fight.
I was so happy to get my new light sensitive glasses
from the optcians this doesn't
fix my eye sight but protects it
makes it easier to read, write and edit,
it will be another year before
I can go into performing.
will take a while but worth the wait
as I got hearing problems
to sort out too then I can follow
people's conversations, appreciate songs and
not feel so lost in my Life.  
I still got a good brain left;
excellent family support, a lovely daughter
and other half too.  
Even when things around me seem a little worst;
I tell myself just be patient, this is your year.  
its worth the wait never give on your dreams;
no matter how difficult life seems.
Try your hardest every day
and you always find your way.

part i

Sardine in a cardboard box
you cradle me in your arms.
Your voice burns the cold
Winter in my mind.

I feel you caress again:
I rest my eyes
Your arms locked in mine,
minutes perfect
time stops.

We leap forward
into an final kiss.
We leave the place behind.

Nights adventurers
wandering through
streets, half alive
half dead
we never sleep.

Part ii

I hoped sunday would never come
we depart;
we wait for the train.
seven, eight, nine
both insane.
Two swollen eyes,
twp shaking limbs,
a sore head:
t-shirt soaked in *****:
cider mingled in cigarette
stains...
That awful, awkward
wait to Leicester.
We stare in silence:
we say no more.

I wake up
with the same horrible set of dreams every night.

It makes me feel sick and frightened.

It really haunts my life.

I wish I could break this curse just learn to forget and move forward that way for once I will be able to have an decent  rest at night.

I always get woken up at the same time by the same set of  horrible dreams.

Maybe one day I will be able to find that peace of mind,
its just really hard to find.

As being a mum to Sophie I worry too much about safety,
every day I check the plugs, wires, count my meds,
check the cooker is off multiple times.
I can't leave my flat without checking for something
or forgotten to do something important.
I even check I got all my cards and money safe in my bag
every morning and every night.
The OCD ritualistic thoughts are frustrating
won't leave me alone;
I had them for a long time.
They have got worst since drinking alcohol
and since I lived on my own.
My anxious mind just can't stop thinking about safety
and it drives me up the bend.
I feel unrested most nights
I feel tired and cant recall much around me in the day;
I can't really enjoy myself and be happy when I'm away from home
the OCD thoughts cross my mind and hit me hard.
My physchatrist told me I need to learn
to switch my OCD thoughts off
I need to feel more calm, write and color again and learn to
meditate let them all pass me by so I can manage better
and enjoy my life.
I get paranoid and feel scared to travel alone
down to my poor eye sight
and other people can see
I'm a easy target in the street.
I just really want to feel free and happy
have adventures again
and go outside in the great outdoors
enjoy socialising and visiting places
with my family and friends;
have fun with my daughter on the beach
enjoy the sunshine.
Learn to read books, do my writing and learn to sing
to help me to create some more positive thoughts
and memories so I can have a peaceful
rest at night and feel more healthy and more alive.
Instead of being stuck in
my flat from morning to night
I feel unsafe to go out anywhere
on my own
with the constant bullying and
nasty threats I get
I never cause anything
to begin with or do
anything wrong anymore
must be just unlucky and have
one of those faces and voices that winds people up
all I ever do is mind my own business
and enjoy walking the fresh air
no one deserves to feel
threatened in this way
I just want to be free
of being stuck in my flat
this year and take that next step
and go out more
and be happy and smile
instead of feeling scared
and worried all the time
that danger could lurk
around me every corner
and its worst for me
as I cant always see
that well anymore
and I just want to
feel more free
to escape
from the hellish
pit of the
OCD mind.

Last fragmented seconds
stopped your
hour glass heart.

Time was playing
with you.
Snapping your
spare parts.

Time left you alone:
You now have no
rules or boundaries.

Your free,
free to roam,
anywhere?
Anywhere, plausible.

You are immortal.

The pandemic striked fear into my heart;
it hit me hard from the very start.
The prime minister announcing different
rules nearly every day;
near enough everyone has a different say
divisions caused all down to this,
who is right? and who is wrong?
and how long exactly will this go on?
The pandemic turned me into an anxious wreak
hearing about the rule changes
and constant death.
Not knowing when I will be able see my favourite people again;
and staying inside my flat a lot of the time;
as most places were closed.
After having a year of this being mostly the same
then everything had changed again
death figures decreased
we could all meet up which was really great
I did however found it difficult to socialize
and take it all in what I had been experiencing.
Little by little I am getting better
not so anxious, fearful and paranoid
more my outgoing and sociable
self wanting to see people again
it will just take a little time to break
the spell or that barrier down as I recover through
what was to be the pandemic paranoia.

I wish I could stop all theparanoid  thoughts.  Feel unsafe                              
in this world.                           Feel like                                I have to                      watch my                      back when                     I'm away                    
from home.
Feel like eyes are staring watching my every move               every time                                    
I walk into an room.                                  I feel other people can hear me, I can hear them too but this is not always when people are actually talking to me. I can hear  laughter and sometimes  horrible comments.                         With my logic I know this isn't  real. It can feel very real to me but this is all really just the fear beating me in the head again. I feel an constant dread  that something dangerous or sinister is lurking around me. I wish it would all just go away leave me alone and let me live my life in peace with my daughter. This uncomfortable feeling follows me around every where. I have to stop myself and have a good stare to make sure what I'm really seeing is the truth and not just another lie or form of deceit.

Can never pinpoint what's
making me down:
feel I want to deep down explode:
Some thing holds me back
she slaps me in the face,
snapping incoherent mutterings
to my face.
I feel this frightened baby,
when I see this cynical old lady.    

My mind moves quickly
to avoid her glazed stare.
She's always looking back
at the disappointment
than moving forward.  
She can never rest.

I wish I could really just smile
again.
Would it just be another  lie?


Just another way
to build up
unstable barriers.
I want the pain
to cease.  

Wearing another mask
to conceal what
I deep down feel.

Bottling up
the pain,
just to appear
happy and sane.

Forgetting the horrible flashbacks,
when you watched
first hand the bad things
that people have done to you:
looking in another direction
pretending it never happened.
when they were the ones that
made you feel that way.
The smashing up, fighting,    
sexist culture of pigs
who manipulate weaker minds
with constant flashbacks of  abuse,  
torture, black mail and mind games
sugarcoated with even more lies.

Sometimes wish my mind
would turn off and forget
and start a fresh
but it won’t do that.
its something in me which
keeps replaying over and over
very nasty scenes in the past
and making it worst
until your mind can’t take and
won't give no more good
to anyone else.
It turns you out and there is
just nothing left
and it ends with you
seeing more of death.

That devilish halo
on top of your head.
The smile of the sunshine
kid painted in Patti Smith
spirited cloak of stars.

Always the john
to your Lennon.
Red and black
I always wore you:
you were words,
dark and coarse
pictures that color
my universe with
emerald pastels.

Hair painted out with
brown everlasting swirls
in the smooth pinch of
leather finger nails.

trip out with me to
cherry jelly kaleidoscopes.  
That outspoken diva
with light in her eyes:
tongue stuck out
in cheeky verse.

You painted dreams
with beats and breaths
you sew on patches
with hope and love.

The world would be empty
with out you.

All my prayers were answered
when my doctor finally wrote the
letter to the neurology team
this week after being rejected by them twice
in one year my persistence to get myself
feeling better is finally paying off
the optcians, pharmacy and adhd team
have all been equally amazing and have all
supported me as well as my family,
daughter and partner too through
these tough times.  
My pineal cyst symptoms
have been more extreme
in the last 9 months to the point
where I get migraines
most days, really sensitive
to lights in the room or outside
which can make my eye lids
spasm and my eyes will even burn a bit
even wearing light sensitive glasses
if sunlight enters them too which
is an horrible experience.  
I wear light sensitive glasses
to deal with these unpleasant
feelings; hoping to get some pain relief medication which will help treat the face, brain and eye pain's as this really really hell
I'm much more sensitive to smells
and even normal sounds can be more maginified
and intense which can overwhelms me
and trigger tremors or shaky hands
I often have to wear headphones just to alleviate the pain's
I get from the noise levels around me
and the constant tinnitus I experience in my ears a lot of the time.
I always hear a random humming and buzzing sound
it follows me around and don't always
hear too well when people are speaking
to me hoping to get an earing aid which will
help with this issue once I worked it all out
with the specialist team.

I also can not stand hot / cold weather
and my face and eyes will ache,  get brain
fog and feel a lot of pain through out the day;
I keep going with everything though and have
a very positive attitude through it all;
it won't beat me but I do experience some
good / bad days it makes my brain
feel constantly numb and just tired
from fragmented sleep which
I'm really hoping to sort
this all out  
its best to stay positive
and keep trying just hoping I don't have
to wait too much longer for my treatment.

I really don't want it to get any worst
as it makes my life much more difficult;
I know there isn't a cure
I want to do the best I can
for my little girl,
and get myself feeling better again
my prayers have finally been answered
and I'm happy there is some hope
and reason to smile  just hope I
don't have to wait for too long.

When sophie gets older;
I want to be seen as her
mother, a guide,
friend and teacher
in Life not here to
restrain and stop her
doing the things she loves
but there will be some
guidelines to keep
her safe; I want her to learn
and keep moving forward when
she makes mistakes
something I've always
found tough also  learn to clean
and cook her own meals
so she can be independent
and fend for herself when
Life gets rough;

I see my reflection
she grasps my hands.
The water ***** deeper:
drags me down.

I go under.

The world is a distorted chasm
  surrounded by shadows
  creeping around
    every
     corner.

Roads slide into the night
  with no light.

Gardens decorated with
false fiery bulbs.

Curtains camouflage the windows:
chimney lights up
loud load.

Red handed.
They blow out.

Can't ever settle, either have far too much passion or not enough interest. How I'm suppose to know what you like best. Every relationshit got to me in the end and affected my smile.
I'm happier with being me just having support
of close friends and my family.
A full on commitment takes quite a bit of time to complete,
been on a few dates and quite a few people
I've had the chance to meet.

I'm turning 28 this year
it's never too early
or too late will take my time and wait
find the right one when the
right time comes my way
it will be my lucky day.

I don't want
to feel this
way no more.

A huge dark
cloud floats
it sways
exploding with
ice and thunder
sprays
darkens up
my sunny days.

I can see eyes
they pop out
of skull bruised
and torn .

I can hear terrible
screams of sirens
calling out my name.

Their flesh crawling
closer to my face
sweat and fear
makes me shake.

I wish I knew
what went wrong
darkness in the
horizon sinks
the ship's course
colliding with my
battered heart,
its feeling darker
than before.

All I can muster
up is a grim smile.
Happiness and Love
fell apart.
Dignity and Pride
came too late.

I wish I can feel
the golden shine
of a hundred spring
days. The barks of
puppies, aroma
of rose and the warmest
smile of a stranger.

True happiness is
a gem to show:
the very seeds of
life I want to sow.

The cliffs that point up:
are faded grey dissembled
finger hung by the thorns
Rats scurry gnaw at the flesh
the poisonous injection
of snakes seeping
danger lurking
in each crevice.  

Shadows leaping forward:
circling gown of fire:
swords made of ice
impaling the heart
the air whispers:
the shadowy feet
are never far apart
of horses that scurry
through the night.

I can remember that first encounter. He was a man in his early thirties, bright eyes but with a dark grin and was smoking your cigars wearing a black hat and he was also carrying a guitar. He was here to show me how to strum an few chords.

I remember him distinctively saying...

"Guitar playing I am about to teach you is really the same as love making you know?"

I  laughed and blankly said
"but how so?"

" Well... (grinning)
Each string has to be carefully plucked, and contains a different  sensation and vibe if you mishandle the strings that final note will sound awful.

He was showing me how to re-tune and play a few chords which were C, D and G then pass me over the guitar back to me.
"Its your turn dear, and be really gentle"

While doing this and playing the first few chords of the guitar which was D I could feel him rub my shoulders and chest gently.
"Don't worry you can trust me, I was just loosening you up we can't have you feeling tense"
"Now, show me a G"

I begin to play the chord G while doing that he then grasped firmly on my other hand : I can feel a surge of heat from his hands firing up my fingers. This heat was making its way to my chest. He now caressed and circled around the chest and then higher up to my *****. I can feel his breath and his tongue swirling and stretching out to **** on my *******.

"Okay ... final note play me a C"

I crouch down to the floor and begin to strum that final chord and can then feel him stretch his hands beneath my skirt I could feel the sensations further of his fingers strumming my ***** in the same rhythmic motions of his guitar previously.

"See what I said? music playing really is the same as love making"
"I nodded and said yeah I suppose"

A bit shaken and uncertain how to respond but he kept whispering into my ear and repeating that same line: while kissing me on my cheeks, stroking me up and down in circular motions in which I could feel a tense feeling of release and then silence again

Was that the final note?

Sophie cries are on cue,
every three hours feed is due.
She loves my mood candle
turning from red, orange to blue
her smile lights up she
spots her reflection,
she sighs
a happy giggle,
she waves her hands
at the elephant
and the giraffe,
each day making her
her mummy laugh.
Being bold but not too loud,
making her voice stand out
she loves being tickled
on her feet and fighting
the toys in her play gym
already keeping in trim
my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

Sophie cries are on cue,
every three hours feed is due.
She loves my mood candle
turning from red, orange to blue
her smile lights up she
spots her reflection,
she sighs
a happy giggle,
she waves her hands
at the elephant
and the giraffe,
each day making her
her mummy laugh.
Being bold but not too loud,
making her voice stand out
she loves being tickled
on her feet and fighting
the toys in her play gym
already keeping in trim
I'm getting better as a mum;
working on my fitness
so I can run with
my little lady when
she's older and we can
go out and play.
I'm learning to flex,
my creative sights.
Reading and talking to her
singing funny nursery rhymes .

Sophie Rose my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

I want her to smile and laugh
that's my mummy up there
flexing her hands to the mike.
I'm finally learning to get her clothes
and ***** on right,
making sure her feeds are on time.


Always found learning
practical tasks difficult
to master; its a challenge
every day to live
with dyspraxia.
I will get there in
my own special way.

When i've built my strength up;
I can take her out
in her pram for the day.
Enjoying the sunshine,
grand adventures in
the great outdoors,
exploring nature and woods.

Or we can explore how
chocolate is made.
Explore the gravity rush
adrenaline thrill
of theme park rides,
the possibilities
are endless and fun,
being a full time mum.

Sophie Rose my little angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

When she gets older;
I want to be seen as her
mother, a guide,
friend and teacher
in Life not here to
restrain and stop her
doing the things she loves
but there will be some
guidelines to keep
her safe; I want her to learn
and keep moving forward when
she makes mistakes
something I've always
found tough also  learn to clean
fend for herself when
Life gets rough.

Sophie Rose my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

What I want to say to my daughter Sophie is I will always love her. Even when I been hurt so many times. I shrugg it off every day and I show her my love and  forgivenes. It can be tough at times when she's not happy with me but she means  everything to me. She already got a lot to manage in her young life and she was always a fighter from the start and doesn't know any better when she does lose her temper even when I tell her she needs to manage it better.  I really just want her to do well in life learn respect and just listen to me. I love her with all my heart even if the pain I get from it all does hurt me from time to time.                        I will always love her            my daughter sophie.

Eloquently the butterfly
swirls into the immortal sky,
clouds form into emerging
eyes, observing the gentle
rhythm of the sea.

The oak tree standing
guard while the cherry
tree blossoms they sprout
out fruit, seeds and petals:
which decorates the forest
birthing new life
celebrating each day
the harmony
the spirit of life.

One winter night I was out in another city
with a friend in streets of Nottingham.
We both had a impulsive night
drinking *****
we didn't realize the time,
we missed the train home.
There was no place to stay or go
everywhere was closed.
I was shivering and terrified
looks like we sleeping rough tonight
I felt nervous and sick to close my eyes
incase I got robbed
My friend gave me a huge hug
and told me it'll be alright
I've done this before
don't worry we will survive

My friend found an cardboard box
out the bin
it was big enough to
fit us both in
at least we got some shelter
to keep us warm a little bit

A random stranger caught us out
in the cold he felt sorry for me
shaking in the corner feeling
the frosty chill
What are you doing out here young lady?
your catch a cold and be ill
He wanted to call my parents
but stubborn me didn't want him to
as I didn't want them to worry
so instead he gave me warm coat
coffee, and a bar of chocolate
to set me up for the night.

Though I could not sleep
while I was on the street
the random kindness got me through
as soon as morning was due
we caught the train to Leicester.

I never forget what kind gesture
the random stranger did for me that night
but showed appreciation and thanks
by passing the kindness on
now I try and do the same for anyone
struggling on the streets
everyone deserves to have
shelter, a warm beverage and
food to eat.

Being the strong woman is being able to stand up
what you know is right
not being the constant  victim of abuse;
walking away from nasty threats,
being able to wear what you want without feeling victimised
in any way I did occasionally loved to wear dresses
but I didn't want the invitation  or excuse for random men
to use this against me so I wore male clothing in town to blend in.  
To be able to remove people that cause nothing but stress;  
saying NO if you don't want to be approached in any way inappropriate; which some cases I never wanted in the first place:
not being able to be communicate or in some cases just being scared to fight as you don't want to go through all the trouble of being in court.  Being autistic I have always found it all too confusing
I don't get all these hidden social cues;  
when I say lets go for a coffee and a chat
I mean just a coffee and chat as a friend
its not in any way a hidden meaning for you to initiate ***.  

Finally as a 31 year old autistic woman I am starting finding my feet:
saying goodbye to all the nasty men in my life who
used and took advantage of me,
its sometimes for the best walk away from the abuse
just to move forward  
be the strong woman you know who you are
the main thing is never to blame yourself
never get resentful or upset
life is about learning from your mistakes
and never do them again.

You were an hot swirling vortex
raining down fire sprouting
out the sky the floating sunset
shining light across the murky
water. You lit up gardens
with red splodges of paint.
Summer rises up the streets:
warming up the air,
flowers are sprouting:
birds sing
flutes are playing
the seeds are about to sow

There has been so many times I have heard people say to me that you are just  very lazy, my dear.

This is your own fault, you have done this to your self.

I live with the guilt and shame every day, living with chronic pain
which will never go away.

The negative judgement and comments of other people that I have been quietly hearing in the background    before going to sleep at night.

The depressing and stressful memories over the years are constantly  streaming  through my ears and  brain playing  every day and every night.

It can be explosive at times as a titanic waterfall.

I can hear the inner critic, the inner fear that creeps around and festers in my brain.

The thing in life which is telling me constantly  you will never be able to survive, you never cope with living a good life.

I silence that voice more than ever to this very day.

I tell it that it has no more  power over me or no place in my own life.

I tell it to stop saying that I'm not good enough I'm worthy to have an good life just like everyone else even when the  critical voice has  been by far  the  loudest for an very long time and is  drowning out the voices of  every one else around me talking in the same  room.

I drown that  negative voice out with music, sunshine, art, singing and poetry.

I regularly do my daily physio  exercises every day.

I keep fighting the good fight in my own way for both me, my daughter and my partner's own happiness and life too.

I keep trying and  doing my best with every thing maybe one day things will be going  more my way.

I could feel like I'm winning in life for once but until its my time I must be patient and wait never give up and accept that these are the cards that I have been in fact  given and have to deal with in my life.

I need to start using  these cards in the  game that we all call Life.

The shadows leech
upon my body.
I can hear them.
Their mouth foams.
I feel them slice:
they lick and fight
for my affection,
******* up my dried heart
to emptiness.
I can see the blood stain walls:
sharpening up my axe
I cut their tongues.

I can't bear to hear voices.

I want to hear silence!!

The violet strips
her purple cloak,
slowly to reveal
her pallid features.

She exhibits her
two fleshy cushions.

The rose burrows
inside her chest,
soaking her in blood.

She shrieks her final breath...
in a frenzy of passion,
he seizes her by the stem,
slicing her feeble petals
slowly to the floor.

My eyes are getting a little stronger each day,
but still can't wait for my treatment to help
control this unusual aliment.
I have had to learn to overcome this problem
its not been easy.
I have learned you can adapt to anything if you try hard
and put your mind really to the test.
My hearing getting a little better
it can still be a challenge to hear in busier environments.
When I get my digital hearing buds and had my medicine for tinnitus I won't look as strange to other people
who would understand my story
as random people often will judge or fear
things that are unusual or out of the norm.
I say people should make their judgements on me
but I can't stand people being rude it's best to be polite
and ask me questions if you are confused
rather than making hurtful  comments.
I never chose to live life like this;
life sadly has chose for me to be this way
I'm making the best of a bad situation
and turning into some positive
by trying my hardest to learn my skills in life
and be the best mum I can be to Sophie.
I made mistakes and trusted the wrong people
we all done things that we regret
and now just trying to fix the broken pieces
and do the best I can with everything
and all I can say is at very least
I'm trying really hard and getting better each day.

When people keep telling me about why I should
consider moving to a new flat
it just all upsets and angers me,
there are many new things and arrangements
that my brain would have to get use to around me
other than of course me and Sophie feeling safe.
What would my neighbours be like?
whether they will be more quieter or noisier every night.
Whether the place will be too hot or cold
my last flat had a lot of damp which turned into mould;
and affected my breathing and health.
What will the people be like in the local area too?
whether they would be friendly
or unkind when they are talking to me.
Then I would have all my things in my place all rearranged and
moved around again.
I do not wish to move as I finally feel comfortable
I have never felt settled and happy much
as I have been moved from place to place since I was a child.
I have finally in my 3 and bit years found a place that I enjoy living
at and me and Sophie can call our home.
I always put my foot down with my decision over the last 3 years as
Sophie and me are both happy here;
I want her to feel settled in this space.
She will know all her friends and be comfortable when she attends
school which is not far walking distance from our home.
The bus routes are more accessible for us both too we can
eventually travel to the nearby city or town when we both feeling
better and when its needed.
Life is not about having bigger houses as the larger the space the
more isolated and empty you feel,
my family had a large 5 bedroom house when I was a teenager
it always made me feel so lonely and unhappy;
the close connection as a family unit of 4
was no longer there it felt as if it all drifted apart,
we kept to our rooms and we lost the connection that we had
as we were all growing older moving on with all our lives.
My memory in my brain is foggy down to my cyst
I do still remember the happy feelings from time to time
and still smile and have a laugh the main thing is we
keep in touch with one another by phone, video call
and see each other for a catch up every now and then.
Moving to a new place made my personality unstable growing up
as I never knew or felt I ever belonged anywhere and finally I feel a
sense of calm and purpose that this place is now my home I love
the place I live at and Sophie enjoys it too and that is all that really
all that matters in life.
I don't live my life for material possessions or bigger properties.
I am all about feeling comfortable, safe and being real to myself.
Our happiness and good family memories are the main thing we
all share and you never really know what will happen in the future
so you have to make the most of it and enjoy every minute of your
life no matter how difficult it can be.
I want the best for Sophie to get a good education behind her but
more to learn all her important life skills so she can learn to survive.
Having a good education helps in life but she doesn't need a
degree to impress me or Vern she just needs to be happy and have
dreams in life that she wants to follow. I will support her wherever I
can same as vern and the family too. I want her to enjoy life as
being happy and stable is the most important thing not having lots
of money and cutting yourself from other people.
I value human connections and nature way more than money as it
makes me feel happy. I will do the best I can for myself, Vern, my
family and of course Sophie but this is why I put my foot down.

I don't want to move to a new place I am finally feeling settled,
calm and more at peace as this is me and Sophies home.
I feel more comfortable and I am very happy here
and Sophie is too. I may consider moving to a house one day
but more when Sophie is a teenager as she will need more space
it will always be a 2 bedroom and I only will move
if its still situated in the same area.

Moving is a big change in life I don't want Sophie
to feel unsettled she will make friends as she goes school
I want her to keep all that for as long as possible
I want her to achieve all her dreams in life too.
This is why I will not move for a very long time
I am very happy here and this is what we call our home.

Serpent
tangles its coiled
tail choking my neck
hissing and spitting
blood from
glacier
fangs.

Cutting my skin
into shreads of
icy shards:

I can taste that
steaming sour breath
that heats up the air
breathing out death


the words that remain
of a traitor, a liar

Constantly feel trapped in my own private hell.

I remain in my own empty box.

Wish I could just walk, read and speak better.

Break the dark spell on my life feel happy and more free again.

One side of my body always feels lifeless,
I feel out of breath
really tired.

My brain on the other hand  
feels much more speedy and wired.

Got loads of ideas but can't seem to always keep them going in my mind for long enough and end up forgetting them.  

Things I really need to complete in my day but can only usually attempt to do a few things so feel like I fall way behind every one else.

Events I really want to attend and friends I want to see again which I feel like such an huge let down and usually have to cancel them in the end.

My body will not always work for me in the same way as my brain really does.

Instead my body  just wants to not do anything that my brain tells it to to do just  give up so easy in the fight when its needed the most.

I find I can't often move my legs and arms when I want to move them.

One of my eyes  doesn't work as well so I can't always see too good.

My thoughts are jumbled up in my mind so dont make much sense.

My speech is a lot harder to understand.

I feel like the  messy splat on the page that is  really trying to blend in and look dignified, beautiful and still but it's really nothing more than just a plain, chaotic, messy splat that doesn't belong there in the first place.

No matter how hard life can be though its always good to have a sense of humour and just  never give up when it gets really tough.

Huge shame this morning
to hear the legend
Keith Flint the rave vocalist
of The Prodigy pass through
to the other side.  

Brought tears to my eyes.
been a fan since I was 13
brought all the cd's,
brought a smile
fuelled my desire to dance.  
  
His band The Prodigy's music
radiates pure energy in a fast cycle of
beats per minute,
taking you to another place,
a new high,
so addictive.  
It makes you want
to dance in the club,
makes you want a mosh
in one of their concerts;  
makes you want to get your body
moving in every way
even exercise in the gym
you can not resist the beats
making you move your feet,
the rhythm makes you want to
move fast, oh how much
you want that sensation to last.  
Keith Flint's vocal's  
blast out into fire,
the vocal growls
makes your hair stand on end,
the video trippy  
full of sounds and
bright bold colours,
exploring an whole
another world. 
whole new universe dimension  
Amazing vocalist, amazing band
such a shame to lose and too soon,
I never got a chance to
see you mate at one of your gigs
and meet you in person
RIP Keith Flint hope you
have you an amazing
flight to the dance floor
in the sky.

An utopia
tunneling from  
reality to fiction:
impending watchful
eyes, hungry mouths
feeding their habits.
Treading into fear of
unknown crevices.

Some stare, others
scurry around to  
find their destination.

They find each other
in separate time zones
realms, currency and
cause conjoined together
waiting...  

Each location
fades out into thin air.

They crawl out like
ants from confusion:
spiraling into more
labyrinths of escalators,
stairs and stations.

All is moving in constant
motion finding that place
they need to be.

The magnetism
of the cosmos aligns:
your energy pulsates
and flows through
your very being.

Your far away
at the same
time your near.

I am reading
each fragment,
each speck
of particle
of the universe.

We are but one,
our union binds
us together.

Energy of the twins
from the Gemini
star flows between us  

one being
one universe.

Women whirl
in flutters of white.

Men stomp
about in bleak
black suits.

Music stops...

Air
grasps
throats.

Led into hallway
festered with doors.

The door thrusts

open.

They enter church.

Can't beat a good vinyl and CD,
how music use to be.
The first thing you see is a bit of art
from your favourite band,
where you place your hand,
on the vinyl and CD disk
insert it into the player
boom first track zooms
into action, no interruptions,
no distractions in the beats,
as long you take care of the disc
the crisp, clear quality
in the music will keep.

Life can be really tough.

I get my daily reminders.

My nagging doubts.

The question that keeps popping up in my head is will I ever be good enough?

I hear so many negative voices telling me that I will not succeed.

Rejecting me and dissing my
life choices.

Wish they would just
be quiet and
for once leave me alone.

I just want to hear silence
that would
be the victory.

They
never stop taunting  and they
keep laughing
at me.

You will lose and we will win.

I will definately not give them any of that  satisfaction.  

I will never give up this fight. I will keep on trying and do my best.

To me the word love was difficult to feel or define.                   
I never knew or could express what love was.                

I was only  half way there with my definition
on what love meant to me.
I was being assessed for autism on that day  
                                      
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.              

I had only ever felt infatuation or lust
never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.

He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured
The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me
making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid
of what happened
making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.  

I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused
I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol
which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.

I said to the assessor
how can you expect me to define
what love really is?
when I was feeling  broken all the time.
Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. 
Feeling like I was always a second or third option
but never a first option.

The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have  relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head  for a long while as I felt that when I always got  comfortable I would end up rejected and  getting my heart broken.              


This is until I finally met the love of my life.                
I knew there was something I love
about him even from the start.                
My partner is energetic
and always wants to help other people
same as myself.                        
I know that I feel what love is for him
as no other man or woman ever  compares to him.                    
We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years
but we are strong together.
Life has constantly tested us
and we have always been there
helped each other out
from falling into the dark pit.
                            
He turns my frown into a smile
by making me laugh with his jokes.                
I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything.
There is always equal love and there is always equal support.
He's like my best friend as well as my lover
and always looks after me and sophie too.  
                      
He puts us first and I always do the same for him.                
We've been working on our issues together
and we make such a great team.                    
We are both creative and spiritual.              
He's helped me enjoy the good
and also get through the very bad,
being there for me even when I felt low
or when my health has been very poor.   
         
I've always been there for him
when he's equally had the good
and very bad in his life. 
                 
For me this is what  love is to me
he never expects anything
he just loves me how I am
and I love him that way too.
My bad experiences had blinded me
for the first 2 years of the relationship
and created more
insecurities but now
I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him     
We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes
and there is always ups and downs
but we have never given up on each other.      
I love him and sophie so much.
He's my love.