The magnetism
of the cosmos aligns:
your energy pulsates
and flows through
your very being.

Your far away
at the same
time your near.

I am reading
each fragment,
each speck
of particle
of the universe.

We are but one,
our union binds
us together.

Energy of the twins
from the Gemini
star flows between us  

one being
one universe.

Women whirl
in flutters of white.

Men stomp
about in bleak
black suits.

Music stops...

Air
grasps
throats.

Led into hallway
festered with doors.

The door thrusts

open.

They enter church.

Can't beat a good vinyl and CD,
how music use to be.
The first thing you see is a bit of art
from your favourite band,
where you place your hand,
on the vinyl and CD disk
insert it into the player
boom first track zooms
into action, no interruptions,
no distractions in the beats,
as long you take care of the disc
the crisp, clear quality
in the music will keep.

Life can be really tough.

I get my daily reminders.

My nagging doubts.

The question that keeps popping up in my head is will I ever be good enough?

I hear so many negative voices telling me that I will not succeed.

Rejecting me and dissing my
life choices.

Wish they would just
be quiet and
for once leave me alone.

I just want to hear silence
that would
be the victory.

They
never stop taunting  and they
keep laughing
at me.

You will lose and we will win.

I will definately not give them any of that  satisfaction.  

I will never give up this fight. I will keep on trying and do my best.

To me the word love was difficult to feel or define.                   
I never knew or could express what love was.                

I was only  half way there with my definition
on what love meant to me.
I was being assessed for autism on that day  
                                      
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.              

I had only ever felt infatuation or lust
never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.

He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured
The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me
making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid
of what happened
making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.  

I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused
I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol
which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.

I said to the assessor
how can you expect me to define
what love really is?
when I was feeling  broken all the time.
Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. 
Feeling like I was always a second or third option
but never a first option.

The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have  relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head  for a long while as I felt that when I always got  comfortable I would end up rejected and  getting my heart broken.              


This is until I finally met the love of my life.                
I knew there was something I love
about him even from the start.                
My partner is energetic
and always wants to help other people
same as myself.                        
I know that I feel what love is for him
as no other man or woman ever  compares to him.                    
We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years
but we are strong together.
Life has constantly tested us
and we have always been there
helped each other out
from falling into the dark pit.
                            
He turns my frown into a smile
by making me laugh with his jokes.                
I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything.
There is always equal love and there is always equal support.
He's like my best friend as well as my lover
and always looks after me and sophie too.  
                      
He puts us first and I always do the same for him.                
We've been working on our issues together
and we make such a great team.                    
We are both creative and spiritual.              
He's helped me enjoy the good
and also get through the very bad,
being there for me even when I felt low
or when my health has been very poor.   
         
I've always been there for him
when he's equally had the good
and very bad in his life. 
                 
For me this is what  love is to me
he never expects anything
he just loves me how I am
and I love him that way too.
My bad experiences had blinded me
for the first 2 years of the relationship
and created more
insecurities but now
I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him     
We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes
and there is always ups and downs
but we have never given up on each other.      
I love him and sophie so much.
He's my love.

I wish I was more adequate in life
not so incompetent at daily tasks.
I find my memory in my brain lets me down
and makes everyone around me wear a frown.

I try so much even to the point where it wears me out.
I can't sleep for long anymore.
I yearn for the day where I can go outside
enjoy the sunshine again without feeling sick
just a basic human right
be able to go out walking with my family.
I really love nature
feel more at peace when I'm outside.  

I struggle to read information and books
so I cant ever really appreciate them as much.
They use to be my main escapism;
I loved reading books when I was younger
I could read well then but things just got a lot harder
the older I got reading things ended up being a chore.
very tiring for me as I couldn't focus for long with my eyes.

I need peace and quiet to be able to absorb what's going on
so I can take in what's being said to me
and picture the story in my head.  
It's hard to do this when everything is noisy
and all of a sudden my eye vision becomes more blurry
that I have to reread each sentence again
to fully understand it all.  
I give up on reading books years a go;
it was just too difficult to do.  
I still have a good vocabulary
and I can still write my thoughts down
and do my writing while I can still do that
my illness has not in fact won me.

I will get to that point where I can enjoy my reading again
and escape in my books when life gets really tough.
I don't really find much pleasure in watching TV
its boring to me
I love listening to music more  
there are some good films or documentaries which I love to watch
from time to time.

I always had an active interest in poetry, dancing, singing and cooking programmes also anything to do with Science, Crime documentaries and phycology too.
The human mind always fascinates me
I love learning about why people behave in a certain way;
I do try to understand other peoples motivations and background to have a greater empathy and learn how to best help them.

I have even helped out my worst enemy before
as I'm a good problem solver, creative and
look at things in a different way to the norm.  
Sadly I am not always the greatest listener
down to my tinnitus which affects my hearing
I'm really not stupid as I look
and can still communicate to other people fairly well.

I find I do bottle up a lot of emotions
which isn't good for my health
and creates negative energy
which affects me and my family;
so I've got to learn to express myself better
and not let my temper get the better of me.
I am in fact a nice lady but I do admit
that I have some anger and paranoia issues
sometimes which I need to learn to deal with
so I can progress and get on better with my life.

It's still all a work progress in my Life as my writing
and singing is which I'm trying to get right.  
I can then be the best mummy I can be to Sophie.
I keep trying with everything and that's the main thing.
I just can't wait to start my treatment
really start living and enjoying life the way it should be
have more time with my family
enjoy the great outdoors also keep pursuing
and working ******* my creative hobbies
my passions for writing, singing and coloring
which I will get even better at once I worked on my hearing
and eye sight issues are sorted out they were always holding
me back at school and in the work place but this year is the year for me to be the best I can be.

I find it uncomfortable when there are the minority of people in the world who are still laughing and staring  at me for needing a wheel chair.

The mentality and immaturity of some people in my life just really  disappoints and saddens me.  

It can some times make me feel like I'm living in an world that has lost a lot of  love, purpose and care too.

I still feel the need to hide at home a lot of the time.

I rarely go out in public  down to feeling ashamed and embarrassed of being classed as  disabled.

There are just far too many hurdles to face with my daily  life every day this is made even worse when you have    limited mobility.

I often stay out of the  way to make life a little  easier on every one else.

In the last 9 months I have seen some really good people in my life  who have always tried to make me smile.

Gone far and beyond to make my experience in my day more happy and bearable.

I still see some of the bad people in life lurking around who always try to spoil this for me.

I rarely see
many ramps for wheel chair assess  in public places and on public transport.  

Things are steadily  changing for the better.

People with disabilities thoughts and views on life are finally being heard and not completely ignored and and rejected so there might  be still hope for equal rights.

Who really knows what will happen in the future  so the best idea would be to always be positive and thankful for all the help that you do recieve in your life.

Keep strong and always  move  forward an few more steps each day.

It's important to always take  those steps in your life even if they have only been a.few slow steps at an time.

I often still see a lot of shocked and some times even  annoyed faces when going out  which does take me by surprise.

I still see and occasionally experience mental  abuse but that's life eh? I've got to stay strong and keep plodding along.

I remember the age of 6
it was the second year at school;
the teacher was scary, red face
and really threatening
I was behind with life and social
skills being the slow learner I was
not being able to communicate
fully and being shy and timid
now with the knowledge of being
diagnosed with dyspraxia and autism
but back then my teacher didn't know about
these diagnosis she just referred to me as being
dumb, slow and stupid
it was PE everyone was ready except for me
the teacher couldn't understand
why I was taking so long
struggling to put my clothes on;
everything was back to front
and I couldn’t tie my laces
instead of helping she got angry
lost her temper and showed me up in front of the class
all the kids started to laugh
I felt ashamed and humiliated
barely anyone would talk to me
as they thought I was stupid
and I started to feel alone and isolated
my parents couldn't understand
why I broke down in front
of them and that I didn't want to attend
school my parents felt she
pushing me hard to succeed
but in reality all she did was really scare me
my only friends really was soft toys
that I liked to create adventures
with and books which I loved to read
it was my escape
I love reading science text books
and absorbing scientific words
adored fiction
had a good grasp
of vocabulary
and knowledge
well above my station.

Years down the line met the teacher
I had when I was 6 she felt bad
for what she put through and apologised
and I did the nice thing and forgave her
I was surprised that she did remembered
me from all those years a go
maybe that day as traumatic
and humiliating as it might have been
was just another lesson
that in this world you
need to be tough
and keep trying
with what you have
no matter what.

The garden
is covered
in white veils:
the ocean lights
up in blue and pale
white splodges.

Roses and Daisy's
covet with each other
in red paint hanging
tight together
on window ledges.

The sounds
of chimes, cars
church bells  sing
their melody.  

The violet harlots
strip off their
cloaks and
embrace in
natures dance.

The white ivy
glows pale and
sleeps in her veil
inside the confines
of the garden's gazebo:
waiting her sweet time
to be awoken by each
parting kiss and
joyful chime.

Lets hear it for the penniless street beggars:
Tories call them unemployed working ****.
Let's hear it for every
****** up woman filtered
in tight cotton lace knickers.

The same lies over and over.
We are... in this together.

The exposure of Gordon Browne coverage
just another political propaganda
twisted by a bunch of crooks
in corporate suits.

The Youth learning to defend
fighting for the futile future.  
Students are the enemy
Cameron hero of the hour.

The same lies over and over...
we are really ******* up in this together.

I'm a little wild,
love seeing you smile,
even if its for a short while.
I follow my own path,
where ever that takes  
feeling human energy
chemistry of life
warmth of the sun
real energy flow
not this constant
*******, negative
vibes  just love
at pure form
the very thing we sow.

Wish people would learn to listen and take me more seriously
my brain feels I'm constantly walking on a tightrope;
climbing a ladder high up and this is just when dealing
with the normal errands of the day
that people take for granted.
Anxious thoughts often keep me awake
noises in the night from my daughter and
noises can easily disturb
my sleep cycle makes it so difficult for me
to fall asleep again wish the noises and thoughts                      

would just be quiet and all shut up at least                                          
at night that way I can get a decent kip                                        
and I feel good for once
I do wish I wasn't experiencing
any physical pains in my eyes
it wakes me up most nights too
the pain constantly feel like being punched in the face                  
and my brain feels drained and numb at times
it drives me nuts when the eyes feel so sore,
and fill up with water
this happens most afternoons
when the day light is at its brightest
if you see this happen to me then
no I'm not in fact crying
just that my eyes are in fact burning
down to being sensitive to bright light
the ADHD medication makes
me feel a little less sensitive
I often have to rest my eyes
ever so often in a darker room
through out the day otherwise
I get blurry vision and the constant pains
rear their ugly head
it can be agony and make me feel tired.
I often catch up on my rest
when I am able to                                                               ­             
its never a decent deep sleep cycle
I haven't slept like that in over 10 years
and forgotten what it felt like
getting a little better it
it will take time and I will recover.
Being told that "it is all in my head" even
by the very people who should really know me better  
really upsets me more
its like people don't believe what I am saying
and dismiss what I am going through
they don't see me every day
and don't see or experience the suffering
so its easier to dismiss and identify
as not being real.  
Its got to be something imaginary
or its "all in my head"  
This is in fact very real to me
it affects my daily life every day
even just to go outside walking in the park
in the sunshine with my daughter is difficult
I still do this walk half hour a day but I
miss those times where I can see properly
and wasn't in so much pain
its an invisible illness
it affects the nerve connections
in my eyes, ears, nose and face
other people can't see or experience
the pain for themselves
so often dismiss everything.  
I don't give up so easy
trying my hardest to get the                                                              ­
right support I need in place
so I can be the best mummy                                                            ­  
I can be and enjoy my life                                                             ­       
I have to learn to deal with
all this the best I can    
I put a smile on my face                                                             ­   
and get on with life
please learn to take
what I'm saying                                            
more seriously though
and know that
Its not "all just in my head"                                                    
just because you are not experiencing                                              
it or are seeing the struggles for yourself                                
doesn't mean the pain                                                             ­               
  I'm going through every day  
   is not in fact real;                                                                  ­           
and you should never                                                            ­            
make me feel that way;                                                             ­       
all that does is                                                               ­           
makes me feel so sad and alone.

The words we read:
conjured up figures,
concepts, new ideas  
we want an closure:
a nice happy ending:
another question,
a cliche, a solution
hope to fight
off this condition.
  

That inner voice,
tells us what we
should do.
The critic,
the karma
the inner spirit
gliding through storms:
trudging across murky waters
but can we all
squeeze in that
same boat.

Words are pain
they are there to educate:
devour us with pleasure:
smoother dreams with color.
Nothing is ever black or
white its more grey all over.
  
Words are the
most potent
force that we can muster.
They are always free to change:
and are unpredictable
as the weather.
  
You can never buy words
they are immortal
unbreakable and
are challenging to decipher.
One minute they make you feel
a million times better.
The next they leave you on the sidewalk
with nothing but naked pride.
You can never really measure
the costs at the horror
of words that turn a sane man
insane.

I feel more afraid now to walk the street.


I don't like being harshly compared.  

I dont like being questioned.

I don't like being watched and I really don't like being followed.

There is far too much hate.

When I have experienced these horrifying scenes un life. I want to escape and get out in that fresh air and sunshine.

I wish we could just learn to respect
one another.

We are not meant to be born the same.

We should all be winning but at our own game in life.

No one should ever feel that they don't belong.

We are unique, we are all important notes that inspire and make such an beautiful song.

I feel we should learn to accept one another.

Learn to work together.

Banish paranoia,
banish dread,
banish fear and  most importantly banish hatered forever.

You return like clouds on a summer day.
Darken the warm glow,  with the black night.
You smell of stale air and soiled decay.
Burning my beacon with pale blue light.
I feel your bitter, cruel hands in the cost frost.
The dogs moan with a melancholy bark.
I hear musical notes of their sweet loss.
They are divided, but are never apart.
I would hate to erase your pale pasted form.
Will you always be, in my memory?
I want you to shine bright as the rise of morn.
To be majestic and calm as the joyous melody.
  Lady Fate paid her debt, and took your life;
  Therefore if you have arisen... are you my wife?