It feels like holding your breath
until your lungs ache and your ribs creak
because your heart is beating so fast
complaining for lack of oxygen
but you won't
you won't breathe
who cares if it hurts?
who cares if your throat burns
and your eyes water?
for even water is part oxygen
and perhaps the pain would stop
if you inhale
and find two parts hydrogen as well.

Today you mistook a shiver for weakness.

Sometimes the Earth gets tired.
Humans populate almost every inch hospitable
Leveling ground too ‘wild’ for its purpose
Shrieking for order and smoothing hills
Building higher, spanning wider
Spreading the plague of population
Preaching ‘Save Mother Earth!’
But taking natural born beauty
Replacing it with stenciled curves
And rises demolished and remade in cement

Sometimes the Earth feels unloved.
The love of nature, but not of all that comes with
The view, not the insects
The forest, not the wildlife
Then not the forests at all
Cut them down for firewood
For houses made of stone and brick
Carve out pits to place your waste
Dig up earth made sound by centuries
Replace with loose stones
And complain of instability
Of bedrock you can not break
Of Opals too easily broken
And then it’s a wonder
That all gemstones
Are kept within the darkest caverns
Deep into the mines of the earth

Sometimes the Earth feels used.
Once white beaches covered
In foot traffic and families
And it’s not as though the Earth minds that
But the trash left to drift into the oceans
The oil spills and landfills
The litter left so carelessly
The use without thought
For beaches are for everyone, it’s only fair
Why thank the Earth at all?

Sometimes the Earth forgets
When used to meet someone’s needs
As though an endless resource
Sometimes you run out of fossil fuels
I’d give my bones for this
But skeletons weren’t made to last forever
And through it all calm skies and shining suns
As though nothing were wrong

Sometimes the Earth needs to remember
That gravity is a force that needs two factors
That not all satellites are geosynchronous
That it takes 365 days to get back to where you started
And even then you’re still a bit off
And that’s okay, that’s okay

That’s okay.

I am in control.
Tornado relocates entire home.
I am in control.
Hurricane leaves hundreds stranded.
I am in control.
Avalanche destroys mountain resort.
I am in control.
Lightning leaves entire county without power.
I am in control.
Tsunami wipes coastline clear off the map.
I am in control.
Typhoon tears roofs off of residences.
I am in control.
Earthquake levels entire city.

Today you mistook a shiver for weakness,
But Earthquakes only remind that the Earth is something to be feared.
That cities fall as easily as rain and sleet and snow
That change is the only constant
Do not make the mistake again.

We've already established
That the sun's a bit self-centered
And it's as if the rest
Revolve around
but I think that may just be science

We've already established
That the moon shows only one side
to the Earth and the side
that's cloaked in shadow
is something to be
wary of? scared of? disappointed with?

We've already established
That Venus is the planet of love
That Jupiter gets no love songs
That Mars and Mercury frankly couldn't give a ****
and Uranus simply doesn't.

And I'd hate to pile more on Earth
More noise to pollute the atmosphere
More thoughts that don't mean jackshit
More civilizations that believe the universe
Revolves around Earth.

Storms and Quakes and Humans
Are unimportant after all
You can't complain about not finding
A specific sort of poem
if all the other planetary poems
Seem to be about you anyway

i.
Today I wondered
How vast the universe was
Because I looked in your eyes
And saw galaxies

ii.
Today I whispered
Words that I won't repeat
until my heart tricks my brain
into freeing my voice

iii.
Today I touched
joking, of course,
but not, but serious
without knowing which was which

iv.
Today I laughed
I smiled and pouted
I frowned and groaned
I grinned innocently, proving my guilt

v.
Today I felt
guilt and happiness
greed and selflessness
jealous, yet contented

vi.
Tomorrow I fear
For I've taught myself
That change is
the only constant

God gave leopards spots
Zebras and tigers stripes
Hyenas fur and fangs
Lions a bright and gilded mane

But humans have but their skin
Pale or copper, thick or thin
Veins and white blood cells
Bare feet, bare of claws

How then, are we expected
To show the dangers we possess
If not gifted with fangs or fur?
If only given soft skin?

My ancestors in the Americas
Painted their skin with bright colors
Palms red with berries and
Faces covered with the designs of their gods

I am but a teenage girl
A goddess in no sense, a weakness
My force upon the world no greater
Than the force of a worm in dirt

I have no thousand year old dyes
No golden mane of hair but
Bright berserker eyes
and a force of will like gravity

I have glittering lipstick
My own brand of warpaint
Against all things that make me
Feel small, ugly, and worthless

Do you see this? My warpaint screams
I am not your victim
I am not your weak, disgusted little girl
I am a warrior

You can not have this
This body is mine
This body is strong
This body is me

And instead of fading
My warpaint seeps into my skin
Becoming what I am
A warrior, at war

Yesterday I almost told you how you hurt me

Instead my body rejected
Trembled with the effort of keeping my mouth shut
Sent shivers that pained my every movement
Tremors that travelled across my skin
A hint of no return, a hint of nothing
Until my breath was a tremble
An ache that spread through lung and throat
Out of my mouth and into the air
The only sound allowed

Yesterday I almost told you how it hurt to hear your words

Your self-hate and disgust all consuming
Aimed inward, aimed self bound
Until my heart felt the arrows
Aimed at yourself
And my soul quaked from the knowledge
That what I would die for
You believe worthless

Yesterday I almost told you how it pained me to be near you

Bittersweet
Like sour candy
Held against a tongue that burns each second
Rotting teeth and sweetening breath
Stinging taste buds and leaving them numb
All in the hope of reaching the sweet underneath
And perhaps liking the burn
A bit more than is healthy

Yesterday I almost told you that my love for you was burning

Like a flame left unattended in a forest full of dry leaves
Spreading from old oaks to new sprouts
Consuming all in its path
Reducing everything to ashes
Waiting for a rebirthing metaphor for forest fires
Not talking about the pain of loss to Mother Earth
Only about the growth afterward
Not thinking that all fires must die
That no flame lasts forever

Yesterday I almost spoke of my annoyance toward your disregard

You've changed, you know
You laugh at things you don't think are funny
Simply because you think I would
You make assumptions based on what you believe me to be
Not what you know me as
You make decisions based on what you believe would make me happy
Not on what would make you smile
Not on what would make you laugh
Not on what would make you happy
You've changed to accommodate for my emotions
Not thinking that I've already changed for yours
This won't work out, you know

Yesterday I almost told you that I loved you

Those words pain you now, have you noticed?
You grimace when they leave my mouth
You stop yourself from asking why
And so I've stopped saying it
Because nothing hurts more than the knowledge
That what I say and do makes no difference
That I could scream it and you'd only use it as ammunition
I will not load the gun you aim at yourself
I will not hand you a diamond for you to slit your throat
I will not give you a pillow if you'll only smother yourself
And it hurts that I must do such

Yesterday I almost told you to shut up

Because you're hurting me, you're hurting me
Can't you see that? Do you want to?
My heart lurches with every disrespectful thing you say under your breath
It burns when you call yourself worthless
It shrinks and crumbles under pressure
This coal won't make a diamond
This sand won't make a pearl
I am not a gemstone,
Not iron or steel, but human flesh
And we all know how fragile it is
You know it best, don't you?

Yesterday I almost told you it wasn't the same

But you know how I hate change
And how could I phrase it to prove you aren't the problem?
How could I tell you without you turning it into a weapon?
How could I make it in a way that wouldn't lead to your unhappiness?
Aren't you unhappy enough already?
I can't do it. I can't bring you happiness. I've tried and tried.
And I can't
I can't
Give up on you.