He closed me up like a book, n I mistook his values for my own.
He had an image he wouldn't abandon n derived pride in being grown.
I wanted to live in his castle so I helped him on to his throne
His world felt safe, so when he opened his gates, I no longer felt alone.
Future happiness - dictated his life,
turning 30 - made him think of a wife.
So when I cooked I was judged,
and when I cleaned I felt loved,
but when I drank- I was a child,
the mom of his kids couldn't act wild.
I was walking on egg shells and picking up the pieces
I covered up the remnants so he couldn't find any reasons - to leave me. Or not believe me.
I wanted him to think I knew what I was doing.
My life's purpose became convincing him that I was worth pursuing.
And I grew so content in his world of requirements,
cuz I thought if he could love me I was - doing alright since -
I didn't feel the scabs of my insecurities anymore,
they all seemed to itch less when he walked through the door,
and said I love you.
Why his validation made me feel like I was whole,
or why his arms tasted like home- I'll never know.
But the way he saw the world and his opinions of me,
contorted and distorted the world that I perceive,
and now I find that I'm scared to live by my own rules,
cuz I know it's not the path that he would choose.
I don't recognize these shoes; the ones that I walk in.
I don't hear my own voice cuz he did all the talking.
I don't trust my own gut cuz he did all the thinking.
I don't remember how to tread cuz I'm so used to sinking.