I am a scientist
No
I am a woman
Yes
Sometimes I feel like one over the other
It’s so much easier for me to be **** for you than it is to be smart
You could see me make the long draws and pauses with the press of my lips in the light of a projector
Or you could see my lips become one with you
Tick tock tick tock
Such little time to find who you are inside
I have the arms that come from the walls and shush me and mock me and pin me down and remind me what I really am
And then the song I’ve been meant to sing tells me differently

But in the flash I quickly turn from what was flesh into something with meaning and purpose and that’s nice and all but after a night of listening to you bellow about all of that science **** I’d just like to see you on my bed
Where’s those **** pics?
Where’s my invitation?
Where’s that pretty little smile?

Who asked you?

When did toppling down the mountain that is woman become such a sport to the hungry lions circling the den?

You can be smart but you can’t be ****,
And you can be **** but you definitely can’t be smart.
There’s this never ending cycle with the click of a flash and there I am in all my glory back to the arms in the walls pushing me and prodding me and beckoning me with their ***** fingernails.

I am a scientist,
Yes,
A woman.

I'm the last thing you think about at night
And never the first thing in the morning.
I'm there when you get lonely and no one is responding.
I'm the second choice to your precious beauty queen.
I'm just a second choice.
Because nobody wants the girl with brains and a mouth.
Nobody wants the girl that has the guts to say no.
Nobody wants that girl,
Nobody.

***** fingernails
That's all I can really remember
Besides the sweet and piercing pain
That kept me throbbing but still on the edge of ecstasy
As tears rolled down my cheek
I wondered what would become of me
This is all I deserved,
and this is all I ever will deserve.
Just sweet and piercing pain with no comfort after.
No one to come home to.
No one to laugh with,
just no one.

I have holes in my shoes from the miles I've walked,
Tired, wandering, lonely and lost.
I've counted the notches,
Struck every time,
But never able to call anyone mine.
I walk with my lonely soul,
down the blackened trail,
Feeling weak, weary, and frail.
I have put in my time,
Taken every punch,
But now there isn't much.
My soul yearns for someone to love,
And for someone to see me in entirety,
And to be loved for once,

finally.

I'm good fun and games,
at least that's what everybody thinks.
I can be a sultry goddess,
or a lonely homebody.
I can be a lot of things.
*You're good fun

I'm a good ****.
I can tell you the directional derivative of a function though.
But who gives a ****.
I can drive you wild and blow
your mind.
But beauty can beat brains.
And my lips can sing songs,
or they can bring you to fruition.
Depending on the angle, the place, and the time of day,
I can be a whole other person.
Sometimes I have to pick and choose who I am going to be today.

she could end it all.
no one could stop her.
complete power in her small hands.
finally some control over something.
the bath water would no longer be clear,
but burn crimson red.
nobody was there.
all alone with herself,
and her thoughts.
her stupid mouth and her stupid thoughts.
she hated herself.
like no other hatred.
her body her mind her soul,
swallowed by the darkness and
consumed by the crimson red.
she was a good girl,
she did was she was told.
she brought happiness to others,
and smiles and tears.
she was troubled,
but all smiles.
no one would of thought she would do it.
she was smart enough to know.
she should have been smarter.
but she never could measure up to anything.
she was a disgrace.
her broken body and soul lay across the floor.
all she ever wanted in life,
gone.
gone
the crimson red rushed around her shattered being,
giving her an ethereal glow.
she looked happy, at peace.

you stupid girl
you really thought that you could be happy
you really thought that you could do something nice
you stupid girl
once those demons enter your life,
you can never be happy.
a lie.
a rumor.
false.
you can never be happy.
the devil is here.

My mind gets to the point where it's done,
I can't take it anymore.
You say you love me,
why don't you show it then?
I can only do so much.
Drinks and drinks and drinks.
I am waiting patiently,
maybe not so patiently.
Is that your car?
No.
Is that you coming home?
No.
All there is in this house is yelling and fighting.
I know how you feel
I do,
I really do.
You give me everything I need and want.
It's like a ticking time bomb sometimes.
Just the slightest push or shove,
and BOOM

I want you here with me.
Where are you?
I am waiting patiently,
maybe not patiently.

I hate being a woman
Some may ask why and others shake their head because they know.
I hate being a woman.
People look at me,
I talk about the big things in life because I want to be somebody.
I want to help people I want to save lives I want to matter in the world.
I have thoughts I have hopes and dreams.
I have big ideas.
But everybody is more concerned with what I'm wearing, or what size bra I wear, or what my favorite *** position is.
I hate being a woman.
We stand on a pedestal miles high, and high heels much higher,
for everyone to gaze at our complexions and so called "temples" of a body.
We are taught to shut our mouths and do what others tell us to do.
It's wrong to say no.
It's okay for our men to ****** and be ****** to release and express,
But women are delicate and pure.
We are not ****** beings.
We aren't allowed to speak our minds freely because we are wrong.

I hate being a woman.
Because in a world of free men,
We stand, still chained to the past.

I'm just a scared kid.
I don't know what I want,
and I'm not ready yet.
I'm just trying to cling to the sides of life and slow it down.
It's not easy going through it alone,
but someone's gotta do it.
The more it happens,
the more it hurts.
I thought I already went through this.
I didn't make this choice,
and it's not my fault.
When he talks to me I hear you in his voice,
and it's too much to handle.
Shut everything out.
I want to be alone,
I don't need anyone's comfort.
I feel like a puppet on a string,
and life is dragging me along.
I can't stop it.
I can't change it.
The past is the past,
I'm not that girl.
My heart has gone cold.
I don't have a capacity to feel anymore.
I don't need alcohol to numb my pain.
I'm already numb,
and it doesn't hurt.
I did what you told me to do,
and you made your choice.

I have more walls up than I ever had,
I think that's a good thing.
I needed a slap on the wrist,
a fresh perspective on reality.
There are worse tragedies in the world.
You have to pick yourself up,
and you got to keep going.
You have to find your place in the world,
and find your purpose.
You are so small,
so very small compared to the world.
Think of bigger things around you.
You are minuscule compared to the universe.
Suddenly you don't feel so big anymore,
you are small,
so very small.
The weight of the world
and your problems don't matter.  
There isn't anyone crying for you
and no one cares.
It's not a perfect world
or a caring one.
It's every man for himself.
So go and cry,
go right ahead.
Because there won't be anyone
waiting for you to call them and
vent, and they won't be waiting
for you to come home to them.
You are alone.
It's not a ***** word,
or a sad one.
Depends on who you are
and how you interpret it.
Get up.
Go and do what you were meant to.
Life is too short to regret.
You're seriously going to let
one little thing stop you?
If that's true then you are
worth as much as you always
thought you were.
Nothing.
You are not nothing.
You are something.
Something good and gracious.
Something worth living for.
Something worth having.

I am a tumbleweed in the wind.
Blown from place to place.
I know I'm supposed to go somewhere,
but for now I'm lost.
I'm pushed into desolate places,
with almost no light.
I'll end up someplace eventually,
but I'm here.
And there.
I have a purpose.
I have a meaning.
I've been lost more times
than found.
I'm on a broken road,
trying to find my way to you.

I am lost and wandering,
scared and alone in the world.
There's no safe place anymore.
No haven for me.

There's no warm embrace greeting me everyday.
No groggy smiles in the morning.
No late car drives around the city.
No comforting calls or messages.

The only things that remain are memories.
Some more faded than others.
Most are so etched into my mind,
they've become permanent.
I can't let them go.

I have no safe haven.
Nothing there keeping me from going over the edge,
again.
I'm not safe from anyone anymore,
not even myself.
They'll find me again,
they always do.
And when they do you won't be there to protect me,
or to hear my muffled cries.
I'll cry out for you to help me,
save me.

*Nothing

Zero.
Zero.
Zero.

Nobody there.

But that's probably a good thing.
I can't really tell yet.
But then again I can't really talk to you about it anymore.
I can't talk to anyone anymore I guess.

When it gets to the point where I have to ask someone,
Am I worth it anymore?
It's not the breaking point.
But it is rock bottom.
Rejected by the lowest of the low.
Ouch.

I run through the crowds of people,
trying to gasp for some air.
It's like nobody even sees me anymore.
I'm just another pretty face lost in a sea of people now.
I'm just like everybody else.

I need that spark again.
Just that smudge of light lost in the darkness of the world.
I found it once,
but it's lost now.
I want that spark that makes me feel human again.
Lets me know that I mean more than this.
Makes me happy to be alive and breathing everyday.
Makes me want to get out and live my life.
Something to live for.

I can't let rejection get to me anymore.
Because all I see is nothing.
*Zero

I hate when people say things to try to make me feel better.
Why can't you be honest and say what's on your mind.
So what if I'm hurting,
I just want to know the truth about everything.

Good things come to those who wait.
I am so sick of hearing it.
I've be waiting for so long,
it feels like hundreds of years.

Maybe I was reincarnated from the past.
Maybe I found the one already,
but it was in a different time.
And maybe now in this decade I need to find him.

I wish that was true.
But I'd have no idea what he'd be like.
Yet I know when I see him,
it'll feel like a real kind of love.
One that's been around for years.

I went out tonight,
and I was scared beyond belief.
Was I ready?
Was it okay?

I went to our places,
actually they're just places now.
But I went.

I feel so empowered.
Like I can take on anything.
My life was made for so much more than this.
This is it.
This is what I needed to remember and realize.

It still stings,
it will for now.
But the pain gets less sharp each time.
I feel so free.
I can't tell if that's good or bad,
but only time will tell.

I see an elderly man give his wife a kiss on her fore head.
I see a new dad smiling brightly at his new baby and his glowing wife.
I see a couple beginning their journey as man and wife.

I see these things already,
and I feel like it's on purpose.
Like it's some sick joke meant to toy with me,
but sometimes it's not so bad.
It's nice to see that happiness around me.

There are some things that I have to sort out,
and there are some things I just need to let go.

I go out to meet this guy,
but I know he's not the one.
Still knowing that,
I still go.
Maybe out of my self-pity,
or just to clear my thoughts.

It's hard waiting for something so good to come along,
but I know in my heart it'll be worth it all.
It's time for me to get the little pieces of myself back,
and put myself back together.

Whoever I will meet in the future
doesn't deserve to have what's left of my heart,
they deserve the entire thing,
not bits and pieces.
Crumbs

I continue on,
not knowing what to expect.
Only knowing that one day,
it'll all be worth it.
And when I see him,
I'll know.

I sit with droopy eyes,
Still waiting up.
I have bags under my eyes.
My body is shutting down under the pressure.
Everything is caving in.

And I know I shouldn't have texted you,
But I did.
And  I know I shouldn't have called you,
But I did.

I can't keep the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me slip through my fingers.

I stare at the cabinet.
Just a couple and I could be gone.
I don't have to feel this pain anymore.

What's happening to me,
I was okay earlier,
No.

This is not okay.

I'm being swallowed by the darkness.
Don't let it take me again.

I can't move.
I can't breathe.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.

I think I'll just fade away.

I'm not as strong as I say.

I stay up and I wait and I wait.

It's not over.
I don't accept it.
I won't.
I sit and I wait for you to call or text.
Please,
We can get through this.
I did nothing  wrong.

I want to be in your arms so badly,
You're supposed to be here now.

If you're reading this,
I'm waiting up for you.

I'm trying hard to stay away,
But it's so easy not to.

I'm waiting for you,
Because I love you.

Let's talk.

I really loved him.
Not in a teenage way,
in a real way.

He was in so many big parts of my life:
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
Everything.

It's so hard to let a person go that's been through everything with you.

That night at Braums,
I was so sure of everything.
I felt that magnetic pull towards you.
That's him, that's the one
I'm gonna marry that boy

It's still a shock I guess,
and it's hard to put on a smile.
I guess when someone has been in your life for that long,
it gets even harder for you to let them go.

I feel in my heart that it isn't over,
but in reality I can't explain.

You were such a big part of my life,
and still are and will be,
there's no denying or pretending that.
You changed everything.

And it's crazy to even say or think this,
I know,
but if you ever came back,
I'd say yes in a moment's flash.

I stare at that ring you gave me,
I realize now more than I ever did how beautiful it is.
It sits on my nightstand,
twinkling.
It is hard for me to hold it,
or even look at it.
But I still do.
I put it on my ring finger,  
but then I take it off again.
I don't know if it's too painful,
or I'm just too hopeful.

It sits on my hand,
and I wait.

*Love is a big word

Calm*

That's definitely a word that I wouldn't expect to come up right now,
but it does.
I am relaxed.
A serene nature spills over me,
dumbfounding.
I know it works out either way,
and I think that's why I remain calm.
My heart knows I can be happy either way,
and that makes me happy.
Look at how far I have come,
you helped me with so much.
I can go out in the world,
and not ever be afraid again.
You taught me good things,
and bad.

You let me realize I am more than this,
I am more than the notch in the back of that truck,
I am more than a drunken plea from a pathetic loser,
I am more than a drunk car drive home.

I am worth more than I ever imagined,
and I can finally see it.
That light at the end of the tunnel.
I am unsure of the ending,
but I know that it is good.

There's no anger,
there's no more tears,
just a sure grip on reality and my worth as a person.
And it won't be the same for a while,
but it's okay.
It'll always be okay in the end.

This definitely isn't a sad sob story at all,
it was never meant to be one.
Just a simple crossing of paths,
for lessons sake.
Positive thoughts and positive feelings,
that's what I have in my heart.

No matter what does happen,
I got this big chunk of me back.
It was lost for such a long time,
but I just found it in myself.

You can break and shatter a vase,
with all of the pieces of it broken and scattered,
and you can glue all of the pieces back,
missing or not,
and it'll still be a vase.
It may not work,
or be pretty,
or stand up straight,
but it is still the vase that was before it was broken.

Thank you for everything,
because all of this,
it wasn't for nothing,
it was definitely something more.

I sit down like I'm six years old again,
I hold my dear stuffed animal to me,
I grab my salty snacks,
and I watch a Disney movie.

Not a particular one,
because they all have that same thing in them at one point or another,
true love

When I was six years old,
I always wondered what it would be like to be in love with someone.
Would I get to wear a big dress all the time?
Would I get my own pair of Venetian glass slippers?
Would I meet somebody unexpectedly and they would whisk me away?
Would somebody want to search the whole entire kingdom for me until they found me?
Would somebody finally love me for me and nothing else mattered?

Maybe exclude the dress, the shoes, and the kingdom part,
but yes it could definitely happen.

I remember I would sit down and write things that I would say to my true love,
when I met him.
Just silly little things I guess.
I would pretend that I was getting married and I would walk down the hallway,
pretending to be walking down the aisle to him.

I guess in theory I am still that six year old little girl,
in pure awe and imagination of what it would be like to be someone's princess.
To be fought for and rescued from some horrible fate.
I think it's possible to have that still,
I pray it is.
I still dream of being married one day,
to the most perfect person in the whole world.
They may not be perfect,
but they are to me.
I dream they will take every breath in their body and fight for me,
or they will use every waking hour and search the kingdom to find me.

The world is a gray and colorless place,
but I return to my dreams,
my hopes,
and my imagination.

And maybe someday,
instead of having to dream of these things,
I can be awake while they happen.

Could the answer really be that simple.

No,
I won't believe it.

It's not right to do this to a person,
Or anyone in general.
It's wrong.

I'm not sugar coating it any longer.

Take me to bed, or lose me forever.

I crumble down,
Like the fool I am.

I cry for you,
I beg for you.
My heart is calling out to you.

Why don't you talk to me.

God this is torture.

Go back to normal,
We need to go back to normal.

But this isn't even close.

Please enough of all of this.

I want us back.

I will fight until I can't fight anymore.

You're holding something back.
Is there someone else?

Honesty.

I don't want to suffer anymore,
Just tell me.

I want you more than life.

I've hit a wall,
Over and over again.

Try talking to the one you love,
The one you've been with forever,
But you can't..

You can't talk to them like you used to.
You can't hug them,
Or kiss them.
Nothing

It's back to the beginning.
It's hurting me so badly.
It's frustrating.

I want to run to you.
I want to vent to you.
I want to be held in your arms.

I've hit a wall.
I can't get over it.

I can't knock it down.

I've hit a wall.

Go slow girl,
You can't rush this.

It won't be the same anymore,
in the dark for too long.

Nobody ever comes back.

Don't rush it,
you should know this by now.

It's not him anymore.

Stay your distance girl,
don't get too close.

Give it time,
go slow.
Don't rush it.

Stop being frustrated girl,
that won't help you at all.
I know,
I know.

I can't sleep.

All I can think about is them together

Etched in my mind forever.
It can't be erased,
it never will be.

Just go to sleep, you'll feel better in the morning

More scenarios,
more thoughts.

This is unhealthy,
but so was that.

Breathe,
think of something else.

How can I think of anything but that?

Shh,
go slow.
Don't rush this,
don't mess this up.

Hello darkness,
did you miss me?

You have hold of him,
and you need to let him go.

I've faced the demons in my life,
and they come creeping by,
just every so often.
I stare them in the face,
unafraid and unwilling to fall.
Not this time.

They've made me human,
they've made me a person

I've learned these human emotions,
and I can feel

I can cry,
I can yell,
I can be as happy as I can be.

The darkness doesn't choose its victims,
but you don't know where it strikes.

In the pure of heart,
and the most wicked of souls.

It devours us all,
piece by piece.

*Hello darkness my old friend

It's hard to be something that you're not.

It's hard to try and be patient.
It's hard to try and look good for class,
but I'd rather get to sleep in.
It's hard for my heart to be in two cities.
It's hard to plaster a smile on my face,
even when I am struggling to even
get out of bed in the morning.

I have bags under my eyes,
but you can't tell what they're from.
Have I been crying?
Or am I just exhausted?
No one has to know I guess.
Or just doesn't care.

It's hard to be so calm and confident,
when inside you're screaming.
Everyone is yelling at you.

You can't do anything right

You're stressing me out

You need to apologize

You need to get on your knees and beg for mercy

Beg.

There's a vacant space on the wall,
Void of the memories.
I couldn't bear to stare at it.

Is it more painful to look at something,
And it's not even there?

My life is a vacant space,
Torn apart by thieves and beggars.

It's white and meaningness,
Like the walls that hold me in.

How can I be afraid of something
That isn't even there?

No matter what way it goes
I'm still broken.
A piece of me had been taken each time.
This time,
It was a huge piece.

I'm walking with a bag,
Filled with those little pieces of me.
I'm trying to put them together,
But no one will help me.

Am I broken beyond repair?
I feel like I'm already gone.
I left such a long time ago and I never came
Back.

It's just a swirling mist inside
My mind.
Nothing makes sense to me.

I see myself in the mirror and I sob.
Who is this girl
God I feel sorry for her
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know how to feel.

Was it all for nothing.

I retrieve the chunks of myself,
Spread out across the floor.
They're much heavier than last time.
I open my bag and spilll them in.
I walk the lonely road,
On and on again.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel,
But it's not visible yet.
I'm waiting for the fog to pass over.

Is this worth all these tears anymore.
I'm more broken than I was before.

I'm just another *****,
Just another notch,
Just another girl.
Nothing special.
I sure as hell don't feel like it.

No I don't have guys swooning over me,
I can't get someone like that,
I don't have someone on call for a date.

That's just not me.

But I sure as hell have some dignity.

I'm not some dog that's gonna beg for you.

I'm gonna save you some trouble and rip my heart
Right out for you,
And send it right back.

Something needs to be fixed
And it sure as hell ain't me.

I've been through hell and back,
And if that ain't enough for ya,
I'm sure that she is

Nobody deserves that.
I don't care how bad you are.

This is an equivalence to
Ripping out a heart,
Stomping it out,
And then trying to put it back.
It's broken.
It's a pulp.
Yeah it might still beat,
But it's not going to work right.

What you did is wrong,
That's not going to help anything.

I'm screaming inside.

Why would you do this.

Well you don't even care how I feel,
You won't even listen.

Manipulative.

You deserve better

I'm at the end of my rope,
I'm hell on heels.

"So it's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be really hard.
We're gonna have to work at this every day,
but I want to do that because I want you.
I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please?
Just picture your life for me?
30 years from now, 40 years from now?
What's it look like?
If it's with him, go.
Go!
I lost you once,
I think I can do it again.
If I thought that's what you really wanted.
But don't you take the easy way out."

It's slow but steady.
The rhythm in my heart has picked up again.
We're not perfect,
But it's a start.
I want to go back to the night.
The night that changed everything.
I see you standing there,
And I swear I'm flying.
*Everything will be okay

I keep trying.
I am trying so hard.
Desperately.
I know I sound and act crazy.
But that's what you do to me.

I need to get this all out of me and fix this.
I can't sleep when this is eating at my mind.
There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
not unless you're there.

I am clingy.
I am crazy.
I am depressed.
I need you though.

All of these eyes are looking at me,
waiting for the right time to pounce.
I no longer have protection.

Or is it peace of mind

My heart has been hammered into a hundred pieces,
and nobody is picking them up.
I just want someone to feel bad for me I guess.
How pathetic of me.

Don't you want to stay?

I have a hole on my heart.

It's a missing puzzle piece.

I try to fit the pieces into it,

but nothing fits.

I try to jam and pound them in,

but they stick out.

I have a hole in my heart,

and nothing else will fit inside.

I can't go on with this void in my heart.

Everything is crashing down on me like a wave:

Suddenly and painfully.

180 degree flip.

But I can't drop all of the pieces.

She's getting engaged.

He's getting engaged.

I want to be that someday.

There's that itch to call you.

Just spill out my emotions,
but you wouldn't like that.

I'm trying to keep my distance,
but I can't.

I just miss the old days.
I want to run to you as you hold me,
and you tell me
Everything is going to be okay

I just need it,
I can't function without it.

Just kiss it all better.