this is what it feels like
to hold your life in your hands
and feel beneath your skull
a trigger and stand—

you stand because we all stand,
and we stand because we're living;
i stand because i have it all
but it's hard to keep me breathing

and you can feel your heart beat
to the rubatosis of your fears
that shaking, pounding beat
that no one seems to hear—

that shaking, pounding fear
to feed all of your tears,
that numb and hollow smear
on your heart's inner ear:

because there's nothing quite like
nothing to hold you still in place
when you're shivering and quaking and crying
and lost—drowning—in outer space.

stab me full of holes to
show how empty i am inside
and pour it all into the ocean—

pour it all there but let it sink
to the bottom of the abyss
and maybe, if you wish,

cut me up into bits
and toss them away to where
i’ll be needed, or loved

(or most probably eaten).

i'm trembling on the inside
because the hope right here has yet to die
and as i shake, my arms go numb
i let it go and drop my gun—
and as it falls, you shoot me.

i'd like to stick a needle through my neck:
through cartilage and sinew, and leave a speck—
i'd leave a speck so small you'll have to
look real hard and squint your eyes
and get real close to see just why, just why
i can't talk about it anymore.

i wonder if you know how much i think,
how much i dream about you,
dream about your little words
and that dorky laugh too,
about the way you ramble on and on,
on and on until you're gone, gone,
gone. and what a sight you are,
because look at you capture me,
enrapture me in something
i've never known.

you're the farthest star, love, sweetest by far—
all because of these nothings exchanged on the phone.

we're not quite that far in our relationship just yet
but sometimes i roll over and whisper,
"i kind of really love you—just a bit."

i wish i could stop being so afraid that you'd leave me—
that you'd stop steeping those [i love you]'s
or that you'd look me in the eye and tell me to die.
but more than that, i'm afraid we'll dissolve into water,
that you'll no longer love me as you do,
that this will finally be the last straw
and i'll be left alone again to drown
underneath the cloying silence.
because i've never felt so alone
as when i finally realized
i've never loved anyone else as dearly as you.