the laughter the tears
the openness the connection
despite distance and age
i realize now
i had found
one of my best friends

you could never see me the way that i needed you to see me
and i could never see you the way that you wanted me to see you
and so we stumbled past each other
blind
groping for something
we'd never find
and never hold

I love him, she says
I believe her
he can change, she says
and I don’t
it’s his past, she claims
and I know it
he needs me, she cries
and she’s right
it’s abuse, I say
she agrees, yes
it won’t stop, I say
and she knows
he’s controlling, I plead
and she sees it
it’s toxic, I sigh
and she cries
you can leave, I say
and she says, yes
but it’s hard, she says
and I nod
but you must, I whisper
and she sighs
but I love him, she says
I believe her

without your words, without your face,
this screen is just an empty space
on which i try to write the thoughts
i could always tell to you

and you were so close, you were so real
that i could almost swear to feel
the gentle press of your fingertips
and now i miss that, too

my eyes never stop seeing
even when I sleep
they view the insides of my eyelids
luckily your smiling face is there

in your eyes
i can see the innocence with which we arrive
the hope we gather as children
and the wisdom we earn from pain
in your eyes
i can see the anger of injustice
the sadness of disappointment
the caution that follows betrayal
in your eyes
i can see the future you're planning
the present you're living
the past you struggle to forget
in your eyes
i can see the love that you offer
the warmth you radiate
the woman i know you shall be

i just wish that i had known
sooner
what falling in love with you
was like because
i never would have tried it
with anyone else
if i had
it's like tripping
and falling...
up

it has been four days
minutes pass slowly for me
do they for her, too?

i told you that i had to leave
and it's true
i did, i had to

not because of anything you did
or anything i did for that matter
i told myself not to get too close
so close

but my heart missed the message
and suddenly there you were
inside of me
and there i was
left wanting
to be inside of you

and yes of course i meant to say that
and if you were ever to read this
you'd smile
admit it
but no matter how well we fit
how much we laugh
in my mind i know
it can't...
we can't...

and so i had to leave
to walk away
to go like i said i never would

but it's not because
you were too much to handle
it's that you were too much
to never hold

so i told you that i had to leave
and it's true
i did, i had to

but i told you too that i had so loved you
and it's true
i did, i had to

i've sat here for minutes
the page is blank
the feelings are real
but i just don't know the words
i write, i erase
a line here
a rhyme there
a feint toward a stanza
a retreat
i try again
probing, testing, stepping back
the right words don't arrive
i don't know if they even exist
i miss you
and that's the most poetic way i can say it

can you forgive me
for walking away?
i thought it was best
but now i'm not sure
maybe it was
but maybe i should have...
and maybe if i had...
no
it was
it was for the best
but maybe..
may-
i miss the smile in your eyes
be

i am sure that there must be
some amount of time in the morning
as i blink away sleep
where in those seconds
i'm not thinking of you
but i'm glad that
i don't remember those moments

Its been a week
And I miss you
I was hoping
I wouldn't miss you
And of course only you
Can fully understand what that means.

her life is like a book
pages tattered and torn
sometimes brittle from time
and wear and abuse
but it pulls me in
word
after
word
and i won’t put it down
as others have
before me
because i know
the next page
will excite me more
than the last

How does one decide
When a debt of life has been repaid?
How can one determine
When it's finally an equal trade?
I know that I exist
Because he held on tight to me
So how can I now say
That I feel like I've made up the fee?
I don't want to give up
But I feel like I have done my best
He helped to save my life
I must be equal to this test

should he fail to hold the door for you
or to offer you his arm
should he ever undermine your work
or threaten you with harm
should he ever watch another girl
with eyes he gave to you
should he ever lie, betray your trust
or tell you what to do
should he ever mock what you create
or how you seek to live
should he dare destroy your self-esteem
or take and never give
should he ever call you awful things
or push, or hit, or shove
you should know that i'd do none of this
not to you, not you, my love

people come
people go
sometimes i feel as if
i've changed nothing
but if you go
i'll smile knowing
that for the rest of time
wherever you go
whoever you become
you’ll forever be
a person that once
i made
smile

i didn't think
it would be so hard
to let go of someone
i never held

don't tell me
i'm not strong
while i'm carrying you
my bags are heavy enough
without the weight
of more melancholy

the struggle between what i should do
and what makes me happy
occurs every day
every hour
and without fail i choose the right thing
the sensible thing
the mature thing
perhaps because it lets me dream again
the next time
about choosing the other path

when i look at her i know that i want to do anything for her
whether it's open a door or move a mountain, i'll do them all
i'll sit and i'll watch her lips move as she talks and the motion of her mouth is mesmerizing and i can't stop watching
or listening
every word, every syllable is poetry and i can't believe that it's me who is hearing it
and i love her
and i don't know if she really knows it but i do
i'd give ten years of my life to spend ten minutes with her in my arms and i'd spend every second just asking her to look at me with those eyes
and to say something
anything
but those eyes, whether she's laughing or crying, whether she's angry or she's inviting me to bed
insisting me to bed
i can't take my eyes off of those eyes
and she holds me with them
even when i'm trying to leave
to work, to do all and any of those things that life says are important to do but which take me away from her
she pouts
she's playing
is she playing?
come to bed she says
and i want to
how i want to
but it's that thrill, that thrill of a call, of a new note, of a memory of her day
and i can't wait to know what she wants to share
to share with me
with ME
because i love her
should i tell her?
i should
i can't
i won't i can't i should but no
it can't
but maybe
and then i think about her voice
her fingers grazing my arm
and i know
that my body wants her body
because my mind wants her mind
my soul wants her soul
i love her
she doesn't think anyone can
she's wrong
but i'm too afraid to prove it

like a thunderstorm
she grew louder
louder
and shook the ground around me
a roar of noise and movement
electric
before
spent
the room grew quiet again

she sped into my life unexpectedly
like a tornado on a summer afternoon
out of nowhere i was swept up
and i struggled to understand where i was
where i was going
and finally, when i could escape i did
and i started for home
only to discover that
home
was amid the swirling winds
the changing landscape
the unpredictable path
and i crave to be swept up once again

the bulb in the ground is not enough
not enough to brighten the path
not enough to cut and place in a vase
not enough to give as a gift with chocolate
not enough to let dry and fold into a book
certainly it's not enough
but we see promise in the bulb
we water it
we tend to it
we protect it
we make sure sun shines on it
and even though it's buried
and we could dismiss it
we could say it will come to nothing
we watch, we wait, we help
and it's a tulip

she reminds me of all the things i wish i'd done
when i was younger and had fewer concerns
fewer worries
fewer demands on my time
but i've been this age since i was born

she was perfect in every way
that a girl is supposed to be perfect
and yet he found that he couldn't love her

her body
dares the sun
to outshine
her radiance

falling in
was too easy
falling out
is too hard

i don't want to pretend that your scars aren't there
or that they weren't born out of pain
i just want to show you that there's happiness to be found
and to make the scars a reminder of a past you've escaped
the cuts you make slice your skin
but slice my heart deeper to know i didn't do enough
i won't be your savior, you can save yourself
but let me hold you while you do

she says she's unlovable
but i know it's not true
because when she says she loves me
i can't help but to say i love her too

walking away
was a good thing to do
but a terrible idea
because now i miss you
and don't know the way home

you may have thought it was your body i was after
but that was never it
instead it was your mind that drew me closer
your laughter that wrapped me tight
and your passion that made me smile
so, yes, your body is beautiful
but in the end it's your mind
that made my soul
tell my body
to crave yours