It's days like these
And girls like her
That make me think I could be okay to stay
Inside my shell.

It's days like these
And boys like him
That make me almost want to stay
To avoid association.

I have gone from baby steps to mountain peaks
From building new bricks to smashing myself apart
From new stitches to crumpling at the seams
Now the peaks rise before me and I have nothing

No matter how often my heart pounds away in my chest
Or the breath falls out of my lungs
I stand as tall as I can make myself
Their love is the harness that grips me as I climb Mount Everest
And only a touch of fear will hold me back

Someday I will stand at the mountain's peak and build a home for myself
Where the air is thin and the scenery stretches beyond the eye's capacity
I may have been pushed down before
/But it was not my fault/
And I will never leave my place from the mountain's peak

They'll tell you you can do anything you want to
But that's not the truth
I can't fly to the moon
Or **** the demons that live in my chest

I can't rid myself of the dark clouds that surround me
Or quell the fire of anxiety that burns in my stomach

I live a life enslaved by her wounds on my psyche
It is a chasm I am afraid to cross but cannot afford to stagnate

If you look down, you will falter
And into the jaws of the monsters you shall fall

Only to be lysed away and forgotten.

Your smile will be the first to fade
Then the shine inside your eyes
You will go gray, and cold
Wrapped in infinite sweaters; a body in hiding

You will forget how it feels to laugh, to grow
Then the warmth across your skin
You will forget how life feels without the bites
As your cells fall apart

You will fall and crumple to the red dirt
Unable to find the strength to lift yourself up and clean yourself off

Eventually you will become nothing
But an abstract coil of love and passion
From a body that is no more

But your heart shall bear the damage and never cease to beat again

Even after the beast has swallowed you up
And you've become one with the monster's jaws

I wanted to forgive her
I really did.
Even with her misplaced blame
I wanted to believe she was contrite.
And I tried to make it so
But I knew in my chest that it couldn't be real
I let her text me
But feared seeing her in public.
The sight of her sister made it all
Come rushing back.
Her memory lurks in every corner
Even though they are both long gone.

Even with her misplaced blame
She didn't /sound/ sorry.

I am not pure.
I threw it away
So I could choose where it landed.
I wasn't safe in my skin
I thought it could happen again
I didn't believe that I could get away
Escape, for real.
I thought her presence was permanent
And in a way, I was right.
But not in the way that I feared.

My body doesn't feel like mine.
I feel skin on muscle
Muscles that move on bone
But I am not truly present.

My body doesn't feel like mine.
I feel hands on skin
Skin that quakes beneath wicked touch
But I am not truly present.

My body isn't mine
Without the tightness in my chest
A tightness that I deeply crave
But I don't know what's real.

This body isn't mine.
I feel a brushing of elbows
Elbows of strangers awakening the memories
But I /don't/ know what's real.

This voice isn't mine.
I speak stories of others
Other things I hope can allude
But none read between the lines.

I feel constriction in my throat
I know it's you who put it there.
My limbs, they shake
My voice doth quake
I burn from the inside out.

I feel emptiness in my abdomen
I know it's you who wants it there
I labored til my soul went brittle
You played my heart like a broken fiddle
I collapse from the inside out.

I feel heaviness in my heart
I know it's your fault that it's there
Your treatment chained me to the ground
I ******* miss you when you're not around
I disintegrate from the inside out.

I feel blood-drops in my wrists
I know it's you who doesn't care
No matter how hard I tried for you
You refuse to see what's clear and true
I dehydrate from the inside out.