Have you ever had a nightmare that wasn't scary, but still left you scared?
Have you ever had a dream where instead of waking in a cold sweat from fear, cold tears rain from your eyes?
Have you ever watched your siblings killed, one by one, and be completely helpless as the monster finishes you off last?
Have you ever dreamt about someone you have known your entire life, someone that was so close to your heart you would shatter if they disappeared, then wake up and realize that person didn't exist, but you still remember the love you had for them?
Have you ever felt the life drain from your limbs as you crumple to the ground, the shock of death just barely creeping into your heart before you wake up?
Have ever held a baby boy in your hands,knowing full well that is was dying? Have you held your own son, trying to convince yourself that your heartbeat was his, and those breaths you heard coming out of you were of his doing?
I have. By dreams I know what it means to die, but I also know that the death of those I've seen around me hurt way more than my own. I cherish them because of this, and I would rather take their fate instead than have any of these dreams come true. This is my oath. I refuse to lose them again.

"God is my strength"
were the first words spoken
when we saw your small body
lying still, broken.

"God is my strength"
was braided in the prayer
that your Nana spoke over you,
even though you weren't there.

"God is my strength"
was my loudest heart cry
when the doctor came in
and didn't speak, but sighed.

"God is my strength"
said Jon's hand on my hair
"God is our strength"
his eyes spoke through the air.

"God is my strength"
our eyes locked in to say
while we slept and we cried
countless hours away.

"God is my strength"
as the pain grew stronger,
"God is my strength"
as the night grew longer.

"God is my strength"
as I wept through my prayers
"God is my strength"
although this feels unfair.

"God is my strength"
in the silence that followed
"God is my strength"
my womb and arms, hollow.

"God is my strength"
when the nurse held you first.
"God is my strength"
when the silence was burst.

"God is my strength"
I've never seen this before.
"God is my strength"
I can't take anymore.

"God is my strength"
tiny son in my hands
"God is my strength"
For I know the plans...

"God is my strength"
that day and still.
He holds my baby
as part of His Will.

"God is my strength"
and I know it's best
for Gabriel to be there
where he is best blessed.

You were the ocean
infinite in some ways
mysterious and dark, impossible to reach the bottom

Powerful, pushing me and shifting my weight from standing to floating

You were the ocean
large, expansive
But so soft, a carrying presence
I knew you would never set me down

That fateful day
I was standing on the shore, picking tiny shells out of the sand to give to you, lifting my skirt so as not to get it wet

I saw the wave growing in the distance, but I didn’t think to move
As it grew closer, I did not panic.
10 feet, 20 feet, 30 feet tall. A wall
and when your freezing cold wave crashed over me
I still didn’t think to move

You could never hurt me.

Under your abyss, I could see my red hair turn to kelp
Thirty feet long, rooted in the ground

I begged you to release me, swallowing salty seawater
But you held fast

You were so beautiful
you could never do a thing like this

I always thought you would be the ocean under my boat
The wind in my sails
The love in my heart


But I drowned that day


I am still trying to determine
If I will ever grow gills