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 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Agape
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
A lot of my poems are about love.
the kind of love that works to give and not take
it's hard to describe that love
and I couldn't, for a while, but I think
I can do it now.
Love.
it binds us together
you give all you can
and when you can't give any more, you keep
giving.
and when they fail to give,
you FORgive. you give FOR them.
and you put others first and
you swear their heart is pure
when it's not
because that's what love does
because it shows them that you believe their
heart is pure. and that's worth more than
anything. and you trust in their heart
and you hold it gently in yours
and when they fail you, you hold their heart
even more tenderly
so that they may heal.
This kind of love is selfless, and exists solely
for the benefit of others,
and it is eternal,
ever-flowing,
Christ-given,
all-knowing.
This kind of love is hard,
and the path to find it is long,
but if you give,
and don't expect anything in return,
you will be happy.
and everyone around you will be happy.
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
I love you like the roof loves the shutters
I love you like blue loves green
I love you like 'school' loves 'zone'
I love you like rust loves metal
I love you like an oak loves its twin
I love you like the Moon loves the Earth
I love you like a magnet with the same pole
I love you like a star-struck poet loves a muse
I love you like someone who has never loved before
and I've written it a thousand times, but I've never said it to you
because I love you like Darcy loves Elizabeth
and I'm scared if I say it aloud, you'll hear it.
This is terrible, but...
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
AR (11w)
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
I have never loved anyone
as much
as I loved her.
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
11w
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
11w
the idea of someone
being in love with me
is laughable
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
I like the way your cheeks turn red when you're embarrassed,
or sometimes for no reason at all.
I like the way you say 'God Maddie'
I like when we are REALLY talking about
something else entirely.
I like your hair.
and I like when you let me play with it,
and I like how tenderheaded you are,
because I have to be extra careful I'm not laying on it.
I like when you get really excited about something
and I can't understand what you're saying.

and when people ask me to describe you, I say
you're short, quiet,
and that's not good enough, when I could describe
the way your eyes light up
or the way you say things,
or your mind,
or all the millions of conversations we've had,
or your laugh,
or your walk, as if you're the only one walking alone on a slackline over a mattress and you're there for the thrill.

You aren't a GPA or a collection of friends or a green-orange-gold-blue who is friends with a
blue-orange-green-gold.
You aren't even an aspiring pilot.
You're every experience you've had and every time someones' said your name.
and every kiss someone wished they had with you,
but didn't have the ***** to pull it off.
and every phase you've been through,
and every embarrassing quote from freshman year.
I wasn't there for all that.
But I can be there for the rest of it.

and I could write line after line and never come close. adjective on top of adjective with maybe a few verbs, couldn't capture you. or me, really.
there's a certain fire inside you
everyone who meets you can see it.
it's more than there is on the outside
and makes me want to burrow and dig for it
so I can be warmed by the gentle (or blazing) heat.
if I get too close, I might get burnt.
but maybe it'll be worth it.

I don't want to capture you.
capturing and owning and containing will slowly
**** your flame.
I don't want to change you.
I don't want to hold you down.
I want to see you fly.
I want to watch as your soul alights on the wings
of heaven, and the fire inside you finally finishes eating away at the outer shell and it
emerges in full glory,
and I've seen it for a long time and
now everyone can see it just like me.

You're looking for someone who sees things like you do.
I don't. I see differently. But at least I can try to understand the way and the why you see things like you do.
We're so ridiculously different.
but can anyone ever be similar?
Who you are is expansive and never-ending and unimaginable and no words could ever capture it. Who I am is completely in the other direction but the same in scope.
I hope that you understand-
who we ARE
is not nearly as beautiful and powerful as
who we can be
or who we will be.
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
L
At school
    This relationship is one to keep secret when you attend a catholic school. Two women (or men) aren't supposed to be together... but we're together. She's made me smile and cry and love like I never have before. People at school started to notice -- they started saying that I was a lesbian. When someone first told me that, I laughed. Laughed. Why were people spreading rumors like that? About me, a nobody? But then I realized that I can't always cover my heart with a sweater bearing the school crest. My heart is open, bleeding and spilling blood down my sleeve. It blends in with the crimson material. People are not blind.

2. Around our friends
     We didn't keep it a secret for long. I told my two best friends because I knew they'd accept me, no matter who I'm with. I was right. They welcomed our relationship with open arms. It was easier to love her then. We could hold hands and gaze at each other openly. With them, it feels like I'm home.

3. Around my family
     My family is tricky. My mom is accepting of gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders...  
But I wonder if she's accept me.
     My dad is a homophobe. If you're gay, stay away! The stubborn man wouldn't even touch you with a stick... But what would he think if it were me?
     My brother is ok.
     My sister is... indecisive towards us, After all, I'm in love with her best friend. And I didn't even get to tell her myself.
     Hiding it amongst my family members has become rather difficult. Not being able to hold her hand is a stab to my heart. Not being able to flaunt her everything to them is maddening...
"Leigh, how do you not have a boyfriend?"
"Well um er..."
Do they notice the way I act around her?

4. Around her family
    The most difficult task of all. They're so unaccepting of who she really is, that she hides herself away. It pains me to see the hurt in her eyes when they poke fun at gay people. I've seen it happen. Anger wells up in my chest and fills a cavity long forgotten. I long to scream "Look. Your daughter/sister/aunt/cousin's heart currently belongs to me. Yeah, me. Another girl."
I wonder what they'd say to that.

5. In public
     Today, you never know what a person's views on homosexuals are. They could be completely disgusted or humbly accepting. You just don't know. So I (we) have to be especially careful. Someone could explode on us, saying that two women loving each other is wrong or sinful or damning. I'm afraid of that. She closes up when I don't hold her hand or reciprocate her advances in public... I'm just afraid. Sometimes I'll face my fears and I'll grab her hand. Other times, I'll sneak a kiss. Most of the time, I steal a glance and then cannot tear my eyes from her beauty. Do people see the love we have for each other? Do they understand? Do they accept? Do they believe that all love is beautiful? Probably not... But I'll love her anyway.
For R, who I love wholeheartedly.

**
Leigh
We met a coffee shop.

Not a Starbucks or a Caribou or anything fancy like that, it was just a plain local coffee shop that served mediocre java and salted lunch meat on stale bread.

The menu was impressive enough to keep the place open, and after all, it's where I met the man who changed my life.

I pretended to be engulfed in a rather boring Sparks novel that I grabbed off the counter to pass the time when he sat down across from me.

His hair was black. His suit was black. His shoes were black. His skin was a smooth drinkable ivory that only accentuated his stunning green eyes. He was typing away furiously on his laptop, but amidst his deep trance, something broke his concentration.

****.

He caught me looking. Frazzled, I motion for the waitress that doesn't see me to come over and refill my already half full cup. Fill it with some of that mediocre coffee of course.

****.

She doesn't come, but he does. He says my deep brown eyes, caramel skin, and tight curls made him want to write poetry. Anyone worthy of that type of inspiration must be approached, is what he said.

I tell him my name. He goes by William. I never got his last name and I guess it didn't matter. By the time we downed our burnt brazilian roast, we were headed out the door in search for a more intimate setting as if where we were hadn't been quiet enough.

I don't now what made me bring him to my apartment, the eighth floor, sitting on the patio soaking in the sounds of the city below us while sweet white wine ravished our veins.

I knew what was coming.

He commented on my blouse, said how it made love to my breast in a way no man ever could. He said my hips were like curvaceous lilly valleys winding around the hills of Maine. He said my hair was sunkissed with natural bronzer that shined eloquently at the turn of each curl. And as his hand brushed my cheek, he spoke of my dimples and how they were perfectly placed upon my smile blessing anyone whom could successfully create one.

As I came out of my bra, he kissed my neck and kissed my chest and kissed and kissed and kissed until he found what he was looking for. He told me my skin was soft as satin and sweet as sugar right off the cane. When my jeans fell to the floor, he traced his lips along my ***** line, saying he had never desired so badly to taste wild honey.

When I was naked and vulnerable at the mercy of his will, he examined me like a feast as if he didn't know where to begin. He entered me so softly, I could hardly tell he was there. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was perfect. He told me it was tight and wet and he didn't want to be anywhere else in this **** of a world but right here inside me.

I see stars. I see the sun. I see the highest mountain tops after a soothing rain. I see moonlight on a hot summer night and the beauty in the auburn colors on an October afternoon.

William not only rocked my world; he painted it. His hands carried such an elegance about them that my body ached for his touch even more so. With every moan that escaped my lips, he spoke poetry into my ear. Telling me to "look up and imagine Paris" and "close your eyes and build a dream". All of his mumbo jumbo made sense in a weird kind of way.

I always thought people only climaxed at the same time in movies because that's just something you can't schedule. It slowly sneaks up on you like a tiger in the wild, and just when you think you've lost him; BAM. That's when your ten seconds of ohmyfuckinggoshdontstoprightthere kicks in and you realize it was the best ten seconds of your day and of your life up to that very point.

As swiftly and beautifully as he came, he was gone. But before he left me feeling empty and full at the same time, my previous infatuation and excitability had made me succumb to his trance, and I hardly even remembered what (if anything) of which we spoke.

I say to him, "William, please tell me. Who are you? What is your last name?"
His answer baffles me, and doesn't make any **** sense; "You will find me as the candle in the wind, the condensation on a glass, and the fruitful taste of white zin on your tongue in the heat of the day."

And with that he left.
He left me standing there sticky and lonely and satisfied and mad all at once. I figured I may as well clean up my mess, clean up myself, and continue to rule the day.

I begin a motion to take the sheets off the bed and roll them up in a burrito of sin when I had stopped and realized I didn't want any latex melting in the dryer.  
I search for it. Like, really search for it.

Ok, it's not under the bed.

Where is it?

Not in the burrito that I just tore apart.
Not in the garbage.
Not in his hands when he left.
My eyes never left him.
Or did they?

****.

Valleys and flowers and sunshine and stupid *** Paris. STUPID. ***. PARIS.
All that madness and stupid weird *** just ****** me off. It caught me off guard. That wasn't me back there, careless Carrie. No. No.
That wasn't me.

**** it.
I need to shower.


[....to be continued...]
This is actually the beginning (intro) of a short story I'm writing that I felt was so poetic in the idea itself so I just wrote in poem form. I may actually continue to write it this way. All rights reserved please, and feedback would be lovely!

(C) Maxwell 2014
 Jun 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
Kate
I would much rather be studying
where you move your hands
and how you will kiss me next.
It's hard to concentrate on the different conjugations
of the verb querer,
when all I really want is your couch
with the torn up leather
and the small tables
and drizzle on the windows.
So come save me from the textbooks,
crawl into my body and unwrap my soul
until I can remember what your name tastes like.
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