I miss the beach on Cape Cod
And the little cottage with the outdoor shower.
I miss selfies at 3AM
And big hugs.
I miss your black and white comforter,
All the comfort you provided while we huddled underneath it
In the cold winter months.
I miss the laughs,
I miss who I was when I was with you.
I am sorry that you fail to recognize
That this had nothing to do with "the long haul."
I am sorry that you are blind to all of the forces acting against us,
When we have nothing to react with.
I understand that you are angry,
That you blame me,
But there was no other option.
Not speaking is not a relationship.
I am sorry that I could not be perfect enough
To fix you.
I could never fix you.
It would never get any easier.
I hope you know that I look at you like the night sky,
Rearranging my thoughts into constellations
Unidentifiable by those who have not tasted
The sweetness of your lips.
You draw spirals from my tongue and transform them into art,
Recognizable by your signature grin and sunkissed laugh.
You twirl in my dreams and make music from the evening air.
The atmosphere is filled with cascades of your shine,
Resulting in jealousy from Mother Nature herself.
The trees long to be as strong as you,
And the daisies wish they could brighten my day the way you do.
You have turned the world upside down
And shifted the time zones beyond repair.
But that doesn't come close to what you have done to me.
My mind is a map written in cuneiform that I cannot even understand.
The technicolor patterns on the insides of my arms remember how you feel
Wrapped inside my layers of tissue.
The space you occupy between my sternum and rib cage shakes with nerves,
Moments before I get to see you again.
Just a smile across the bakery and I am melting,
Like the sugar donuts on an 80 degree day.
The flesh around my shivering bones long for your presence once again.
Oh dear, my dear, come watch the sky by my side.
Something has changed.
A plate tectonic has shifted inside my heart,
Rebuilding the mountain that she and I used to climb together.
Just seeing her face again reminded me of all the good times.
They outweighed the bad times,
Like a Sumo wrestler outweighs a small child.
I search valleys and hills
For the words to tell her
That I miss the way her eyes light up
And how her smile makes the pain go away,
Faster than three doses of oxycodone.
It is incredible how easily I am falling back in.
Please fall in with me.
And now you have a Worst Day too.
You are going to blame yourself.
You will watch the world keep on going.
You will go through the motions of your morning routine and your school work.
You will smile, but she will be in the back of your mind for a long time.
But one day, you will realize that you must find the strength to keep going.
Because it is what she would have wanted.
Yes, she was taken too young.
Yes, she didn’t deserve it.
You will feel like it should have been you, not her.
Just not her for God’s sake!
You will think about it every single day for at least the next three years.
Because she is your best friend. And she always will be your best friend.
No one can replace her.
Nobody can even come close.
You will sit by the phone for days.
Waiting for her to text you or call you and tell you that she actually is fine.
You will wait and wait and wait.
You will sit in class and wait for her seat to be filled with her smile and the classroom to echo with her laughter.
One day, everything will hit you, more so than it did on the Worst Day.
You will realize that your entire life changed in a split second.
A single second.
Nothing in your life will ever be the same.
But you will find the strength to keep going.
Because I know you.
Because you’re you.
If you need a friend, I will be here.
I know how this plays out.
And maybe I wasn’t best friends with her.
But it happened to me too.
We all felt pain in that split second.
And I felt my Worst Day all over again for you-- her best friend.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m very very sorry.
I will be here for you, because I was not strong enough to tell people I needed them.
So I’m just going to be here, whether our friendship works out or not.
I will be here.
Two doors down from your house.
I have warm hugs and love and understanding.
Please, just whatever you do, don’t give up.
I know it’s hard.
But you can do it.
You can do anything.
You will get through this.
Everything is going to be okay.
I will always pull you closer,
even when our fingers are interlocked
tighter than a vice.
I want you to want me more,
even when my skin is touching yours
and my breath is on your chest.
You intoxicate me.
There is no need for a margarita
of loneliness and pity
when I have you telling me
all the things I never thought I needed to hear.
I'm high on love.