loneliness is
looking at the imprint your shape left on our bed
gripping your shirt in my clenched fists

you left more than that behind, but memories won't fit in the washing machine.

i am a collector
i collect tears and panic attacks
scratched skin and nervous twitches

Over the years i've accumulated much
i collect desperate whispers to nothing in the dark
choked sighs, and raw swallows

i've collected rare winter princes and indian summers
then bittersweet kisses and hollow darkened loneliness
i collect i miss you's they'll never hear
and haunting memories that **** your breath away like a deep gust of wind

i have a gallery filled with years of depression
i collect plaguing relentless thoughts of self depreciation
should've, would've, cant's.
i've got bags and bags full of fears and failure.

There were those times i thought i found promises,
but only turned out accumulating more lies.
i've got a surplus of hurt, and pain
i've collected those times of overeating, under-eating, self harm, self medication.

At night especially, the walls come alive,
Shall i show you my collection?

I'm cutting myself on broken glass,
from the night we clicked
and you shattered my world.

Open eyelids, dry and stale
A soul just the same
How many times do I have to
Keep opening and walking through
The same ******* door.
Fuse shut already door,
eyes,
soul.

I am night, you are a dream.
The power you have over my breathing
gasp, sigh
they whisper because they are afraid to live.
I'll let you in but only at night, when you're pretend.
Fill my head with anything but this
The hug that made all the pain go away.
The hug that makes me forget the pain.

That rope burn around my neck,
It's from choking on all the anger
and bitterness.
It still stings like the first day.
Love is selflessness.
I wish you saw that,
so I could take the noose off.

Sorrow is my company,
not welcomed like a friend,
but tolerated like a presence you didn't invite.
Its not safe or happy, I've just forgotten how warmth that lasts feels.
The company strangles me, I'm suffocating,
drowning in ice.
Another breath comes, another tear, another moment.
The winter wanes on...
I have nothing to do but wait,
no strength,
no stamina,
only wait for a spring,
not to hope, but spend my life waiting.

I have had enough sadness
for a row of lifetimes.
When fallen angels make us weep,
the piano man cries,
how long must we bleed for their crimes.

I can't help if I take on your labor too
give me those needles and haystacks
pile them higher, higher, higher

Getting high on needles and
buried in haystacks
reclined on the feathers
of your torn out
****** wings
on and on the piano man sings,
the piano man sings

Blackest of feathers
soft and deceiving
you draw me in
while thinking of leaving
you deserve every drop
of that blood you drip
If only you felt
half as much as you bleed.

I'm covered in tears,
blood and water,
I can't drown it out
can't wash it away
I'm cut and I'm stained
I'm healed,
but I'm drained.

when you're depressed
you learn to
always wear waterproof makeup

Bite, scratch, bleed, toil,
another day,
rust, iron, decay.
rot rot rot
the rats would come to nibble
if it weren't so dark,
I am alone.

I miss you in my bed, still.
Still.
I miss you still, in my bed.
Our bed. Our hearts.
My bed. No heart.

Today is old soul
oceans
fry oil smell
snow
and your ghost.

I just.
want someone to look at my face
drenched in tears
                                                           ­   and understand.

I am the winter girl
let me have my winter,
I hate your spring.
I can almost taste the frost on my tongue
it's home for me.
That dull ache of winter.
Its heavy, but it is common.