I wonder if my words still sting in your ears worse than they did from my lips that spoke when I found out.
"You're not anything like the last, you're worse than he ever was!"
I wanted you to ache and hurt,
I wanted you out of my life then and there,
But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I'm going to pretend I'm okay,
But I'm not.
I try to cleanse myself of the pain,
But there's more tears from my eyes than droplets from the shower head.
My friends think I should go out more.
Sure, I'll go to a party,
"Party" being my jumbled emotions throwing an extravaganza in my head.
Hell, I'm always at THAT party.
You'll never feel the pain I feel now,
Even now that you realize what you did.
You may as well have took every moment you made me feel special, and threw them into a trash can, then lit it up in flames.
I'm going to pretend I'm okay,
But I'm not.

The day before our one-year, he left.
I was broken, cheated on, and insecure.
I didn't take the blade,
I didn't hate him,
I just blamed it all on myself.
I sat in my room for days.
My skeleton was home to an aura of negative thoughts.
They always followed me.
Questions existed.
Did I not care enough?
Did I not give my all?
Did I not love enough?
Two months passed and he got in touch with me,
He told me I'd get the Valentine I've been wanting to see.

I declined.

He cursed like a sailor until the sun came up.
But I did not care.
I smiled.
What he didn't know is being alone made me realize some things.

I surprised him with breakfast in bed multiple times,
I cleaned his room when he wouldn't,
I cooked food and washed dishes,
I fed the animals and took them out when he wouldn't,
I helped him relocate 3 times,
I found him the place he lives at now,
I played his favorite video games with him,
I watched the movies he likes,
And lastly I loved him with every thing I had in me.


I may have lost him, but he lost a hell of a lot more.