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Jayce Oct 2018
I'm sorry boss, I can't come in today.
No no, I'm not sick. At least not in the way you think. No you see, I've gone too far again and made a mess of myself.
I don't want the customers to peer at my arms and see strands of skin hanging like ribbons from my wrist.
I don't want them to have to hear me mourning.
I'm sure it'll scare them off to hear an adult cry like a small child.
No, I'm sure that I can't stomach this pain any longer.
You see, I've taken more than the suggested amount of pills.
This call won't run much longer.
Boss, I don't think I'll be coming in tomorrow either.
I simply must rest.
Jayce Sep 2018
we got tattoos and the ink overpowered your blood
i cut myself open to remind you of it
you grew bored of trying to revive your heart

we pledged our allegiance over shared bottles of *****
the alcohol whispered that I could finally stand on the edge and drop off
you stopped helping me down and started offering to push me

you'd called me your sister since we were eleven
we grew like flowers, but my mind began to wilt
your garden grew despondent,
you pulled your roots from mine and grew away from me

heaven, don't leave me at the gates
i'll shred my throat raw from begging for help to heal an ache that Fear keeps sore as he reminds me
"angels do not befriend the deficient"
Jayce Sep 2018
he pushes me onto my knees
                       our father who art in heaven
i open my mouth for him
                      lord, i want to recommit my life, my heart to you
he holds my head in his hands and i take in all of him
                     you alone are worthy of all honor and praise
his eyes close and his head tilts back
                    he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you
                        by his love

i can feel tears running down my cheeks and i look up and capture his eyes
                   i saw the lord...lofty and exalted
his mouth tilted into a grin
                  make your face shine on your servant; save me in your
                         steadfast love

he pushes my head back and i come away with drool and tears dripping to the floor
                 now the works of the flesh are evident
i smile at him and my gaze demands his admiration
                for this is the love of god

Jayce Sep 2018
Gears should only spin so fast but my brain knows no limits and only strives for my hands to do more, create more, work faster and harder without tiring, my body is pleading with me to lay down my arms because you cannot fight a one person war -
and there are beads of sweat racing down my face because I cannot slow down or I will fall into that same pit that I've spent so much of this year in, etching away days and days of no motivation, no drive, no desire to live and here I am trying to convince my clever heart that it's okay to dip into this lake of happiness -
or is it that?
and again sleepless nights and a room as unkempt as my mind and the thoughts, the tenants inside of it, and maybe one day I will stop.

And it won't feel so bad.
Jayce Sep 2018
I call you mine even though you once made me cry so hard I felt like my head was becoming undone

I associate you with myself because you’re one of few who can grip my heart and render me useless all while not being within touching distance

You’ve never touched my neck and yet the prints there match the shape of your hands perfectly

The air between us is so cold that I can’t move and my entire body trembles, warning me to get away

I call you mine but in all honesty when you sank your teeth in you staked your claim
Jayce Aug 2018
I felt that my body could bleed no more,
That I was handing it out to the wolves in gallons,
My hands became sore and bruised from dragging my body from the lowest pits
And still I can clench my teeth and find the strength to stand
I am able to make fists and fight for the hope that I am replenishing day by day
It was 4 am and I'd listened to "get well soon" by Ariana Grande about 10 times and started to feel completely overcome. It's a healing song, and I definitely needed it after the year I've had. I highly recommend it.
Jayce Aug 2018
it's much easier to let you see what's under my clothes
than to let you know what makes me smile
letting you physically enter me is so much safer
than allowing you to probe my innermost fears
hearing you tell me that I feel good
is lighter on my heart than hearing you say you love me
*** is the closest I will permit you to get,
my vulnerability when I'm naked is easier to defend than you getting to know me
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