i'm an enigma,
more complex than cryptograms

the blade making love to the skin during night,
a smile shining as bright as the sun during the day

moods changing faster than the weather

most people come out during a hurricane
thinking that it's stopped
but in reality it's just the eye of it

the storm will hit again
don't believe what you see
my storm isn't over either

Sometimes I hate myself, my voice....



(sonnet #MMMMMMMDCCCXX)


If sorrows dog my path, how storm clouds' dense
Rack tinged a deeper navy with a trail
Of peach hang low, and ah, the dove t'avail
Coos softly as the sparrows tease fr'intents,
And if we could forget, or laugh from hence
Without that being--a sin is't? which detail
Then would we notice?  How wind's exhale
Is just as tender, warmth a fragile sense?
If only in all we'd praise Thee in tour,
LORD, see afar off past these heavns' fraught blue,
Yea, know beyond our tongues' recital--You.
See all, e'en as the goldfinch merr'ly stir
Soft happiness, where ah, the dove flew fer
All that from hence, see thus as we should do.

27Mar19b

Can the entire ocean
all be swallowed by my eyes.
If I make it to the moon,
will I then feel left behind.
Is there an end to the world,
that is decided by time.
Will I see beauty so great,
that I truly must go blind.
At the end of the last road,
will at least all colors rhyme.
I fear the war will not stop,
these enemies in my mind.

.
When first I did see you,
My heart was a drum, beaten,
A fog horn blew out to sea.

When you looked at me,
Stark, true, across blue sky,
Sunshine piercing the clouds.

When you touched me,
Frost thawing at first light,
Misted dews on the heathers.

When you were upon me so,
Could I not but open, bloom,
Softly, wind on the petal.

When your hot eyes got me,
Set smoulder to stoked flame,
Aye, I burned for you.

So many cold eyes stare into empty spaces
The waiting room feels crowded with the five of us in this too big space
I hear my name called and am handed a jar
Off to the bathroom I am escorted
The nerves are escalating as I urinate
Into the cold metal door goes my name among others
I can't breathe
He holds my hand and gets me water, saying everything will be fine
But I was turned away last week
They had told me my appointment never finalized in scheduling
I know with certainty this is really happening though
The receptionist with the sad mouth calls me to her window
Is there a different insurance I can try? Do I have the money?
At least the insurance that was supposed to be cancelled is still active
I don't want this money burning my wallet and freezing my heart
He isn't allowed to come back with me
Are you sure, they ask me far too many times
I just want this to be over with
I want to cry
Are you being forced by anyone
Only myself and my promises
I'm scared
I'm sad
They finally let him come back to me
And lay me upon the cold papered examination bed
They force my legs apart and insert their probe
Do you want to see?
Of course I don't but how can I not
In black and white before me is my last eight weeks
Sweaty apple juice is placed in my weak hands
I look so brave in this sterile place
Am I being judged by these people
I'm just too young right now
We have no money
Take these twenty-four hours apart
More prescriptions and pills are passed along to me
I'm barely eighteen and graduated

Days later it feels like there is cotton in my mouth
The medication expands like gauze
I can't feel my tongue or the air around me
It's not too bad after it's dissolved though
Then an hour passes and I can feel the life being taken from me
My whole body convulses
I can't stop the tears
He can't stop the pain
Especially not the emotional kind
He couldn't possibly understand
I've known longer than him
Built a bond that is only meant to be broken
He kisses my stomach like I can't
There's so much blood
I suppose it's time to take all the pain and nausea medications
What makes it worse is that I know I'll be sad for some time
But we agreed to never tell anyone about this happening
We're ashamed we chose this route
But there would have been no chance at survival regardless

Months later I'm still crying
I mourn the intentional loss of my would-have-been love
Though the decision was necessary I can't help but wonder
And I see all these announcements on media
I put on my happy face for them
But I feel robbed
Embarrassed
Sad
The painkiller bottles still aren't empty and serve only as a reminder
Of the two lines we threw away
So that the soul could have a better chance