I got lost in my own life.
It feels like a life I no longer want to call my own.
I give up. Im not proud. I feel worthless
Like I really dont matter.
Like nothing matters.
I shouldn't be here, messing with this world, with the people in it..
they would be happier if i was not here.
Hurting people with my confusion, my own tortured heart.  
Im not good, I'm not nice.
Im not special.
Im wounded.
I know the world that is true, but..
Will i ever get to go? Can i stay?
Sometimes we will find this world,
But as soon as we do
it disappears, and so do i.
Im tired of the distractions,
the places my thoughts can take me,
I cant see ****!
I forgot to look.
I forgot to care.
So I went for a walk.
I saw the immaculate beauty of this place today.
I sat in space.
I saw that my mind is filled with poison.
I saw that the inner world i have been experiencing is no where i want to be.
I heard the beautiful sound of inch tall waves lapping at the shore.
Then i opened my eyes.
I saw complete and utter gorgeousness,
nothing was missing.
I saw the mountains across the bay.
The blue hues of different distances,
the birds intricate dance with the wind.
The perfect and unique personality of each rock,
Caressing a few,
I wished i could take them all home..
Every stick washed ashore,
intentionally placed by the forces of nature.
I saw it all,
but still dont have an answer for all this **** inside my mind.
I can see the dancing of the universe, but still dont know why it dances,
or why i came to see the show.

It's the way that even though I know you are so poisonous;
so harmful
you leer me in every time

and the worst part is
is that I don't even put up a fight

i can feel this rage making its way through the blood in my veins, white hot. incinerating every other thought or feeling my body might send in to calm and counteract this anger before it manifests into something more physically painful. it's too strong. there's too many factors investing in this fury and placing bets on the things of himself he'll destroy tonight. let's go, corona, we have a show to put on. what a shame it would be if we let these people down.

I can remember when sleeping was always pleasant.

It was alleviating my burning heels and loosening my straining eyes, looking forward to crystal dreams, transforming myself into a new dimension every night.

Sleeping was my superpower; it was absolute blackness that created a story from nothing, always making me smile in the yellowing morning.

Tonight, a clean slate just seems frightening.

I have no control over this superpower. It is confusing my sense of presence, swallowing me whole and inverting my perception, and injecting evil into my veins, awakening new sides of me.

I'm hoping the moon stays away tonight.

in your eyes
i can see the innocence with which we arrive
the hope we gather as children
and the wisdom we earn from pain
in your eyes
i can see the anger of injustice
the sadness of disappointment
the caution that follows betrayal
in your eyes
i can see the future you're planning
the present you're living
the past you struggle to forget
in your eyes
i can see the love that you offer
the warmth you radiate
the woman i know you shall be

The **** on her heart
tore open, and spilled into the sea--
I had seen this and dove in.

Her heart was a fountain, and I looked to it
as a source of purity.