I don’t write much anymore
Words no longer work in my favor
I don’t even know how to talk to people
I can’t seem to figure out small talk
I am boring
Everything I say is boring
My life is hollow
There is nothing to say
Nothing to write
Nothing
Just quiet
I am quiet
I have nothing to say
I am nothing

There is an ache
And it won’t go away
A darkness that smothers the light
A hunger that never ends
Leaving me paralyzed
Unsatisfied
Left craving everything
But wanting nothing

I stopped taking them
The pills
I didn’t want to rely on them
To be happy, but not too happy
Or to sleep, but not too much
And to eat the right amount.
I wanted to be able to do it by myself
Without the manipulation of my neurotransmitters
And surprisingly enough
I could
I can
I’m fine
Balanced
In a way I haven’t been in years
But I’m cautious
I lied to my psychiatrist
She doesn’t need to know
My mood could flip in an instance
I could spiral again
Loose control
And fall down the same hole I just climbed out of
So, she doesn’t need to know
I need the pills to still be there if I need them
If not for a change in my biology
But for the hope
That makes the fall bearable

Sometimes life feels like
a punishment
Like it is this thing
that is keeping you,
Stopping your soul
from being intertwined
in the treetops
Or roaming free
in the waves
And dancing
in the wind

And then the guilt comes creeping
Shouldn't you be happy?
Shouldn't you be content?
You have so much
How dare you ask for more?

I picture daisies on my grave
Yellow daisies swaying in the tall grass
Above the wooden casket holding my bones
Frozen in a state of perpetual summer

Lately I’ve been fascinated by evil
As if the heaviness inside would be better of as darkness
Because if it was then maybe I could take these stones
that are weighing me down
And throw them far, far away
Removing them one by one
Until I was finally weightless
Floating
Free