There is no one in this world who will ever understand me like you,
no one has ever tried to make me love myself more than you have.
I am happy that you are happy, more happy than you about most likely to be honest.
It has been awhile since we have been around each other,
you have been mad at me.
I would have been mad at me too,
you love me and I wasn't loving myself.
I was angry too a bit,
cause I felt really, really alone.
It hurts so bad sometimes you know.
To sit there thinking about how little you matter to anyone.
Yesterday though, when you sent me that message.
I was ready to just disappear.
I have been here fighting so hard to get myself back.
I fought through the withdrawals of ****** and methadone
totally on my own.
It was hell and I fought it by myself and for the first time in a long time.
I won a fight, I was proud of myself.
No one noticed though,
Which is fine, I didn't need anyone too.
I just wanted to matter to someone,
I didn't have anyone and I hurt so badly I just didn't know what to do.
I hurt about a boy who has already moved on as I am still here staring at my phone
hoping he was gonna call.
I am living at my moms, the house I grew up in and I feel like I am so unwanted
in my own home.
I was ready to give up for good, to just disappear into the night.
It is hard when no one never sees the good in you anymore,
when they just think these horrible things about you.
Cause you broke when your life flipped upside down.
I handled it poorly but it didn't change me,
I was gonna just slip away with no one noticing.
Then you messaged me to tell you were getting married,
I mattered.
I am so happy for you, and I promise I wont miss this one for the world.
I am even happier though, that you thought about me in those moments,
cause you sent me a message to tell your news,
I knew I wasn't alone,
I knew I mattered to you,
and you matter to me too.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.

Please just know that I wish things weren’t the way the are.
Actually, this may be my biggest issue in all honesty.
I unknowingly hide away
Keeping myself trapped in my head,
The events that changed my life and who I am
Are playing on repeat in my mind.
All I can do is sit in my head and scream.
I try to change things,
No matter how loud I am,
No matter how much will power or strength,
No matter how many sleepless nights I have.
No matter if I have cried an ocean of tears.
What happened is there still.
­Just as it happened the very first time.
Just as it happens everytime.
There is nothing that changes,
Nothing I do now changes any of it.
That in itself is why I am who you see now.
Just stuck in the past,
Trying to fix the things I never could.
They say that the definition of insanity,
Is to do the same thing over and over,
Expecting different results.
If this is the case than I am afraid  I am insane
I have been since 4 years ago this May.
The regret remains as the guilt eats away at my heart.
The anger still grips my soul.
I am just here stuck in my head.
Just stuck on repeat.  
I just sitting here,
Trying to change what has already happened.
Waiting for a miracle to free me from my own head.
I need something to come and heal my soul.

You are standing there and asking me how I feel right now.
Do you really want to know the truth?
The truth is I ache, everywhere and nowhere.
I want to climb out of my own skin and never ever come back inside of it.
I want to sleep, but I can’t
I can’t move though.
Every time I try to walk my muscles feel like I have walked miles upon miles.
My hair hurts on top of my head.  
I want so badly to go and find something to make me feel better
Yet I am totally lacking in the ability to do so.

You do opiates with me,
You see me do them everyday.
You know I am doing them.
Yet you help yourself, you forget about me.
Then when you come home you deny my sickness.
You try to tell me I don’t know what I am talking about.
That I am getting the flu.
What gives you the right to be the judge of that?
For once could the facts come into play for you?
For just ******* once could you think of me?
For once can I ******* matter?

I am telling you I am sick,
I was depending on you to pull through for me.
Now, I am just laying here half awake half asleep
While you are good and fine.
Knowing you could have helped me,
Decided against it, then made me feel like there is not one thing about me that you care about.
There is not one thing I say that you believe.
Dopesick, lovesick, tired of this life…
Ready to give up.

Something as simple as refolding your sweater.
Pulling the grey fabric close to my chin.
When I put my cheek right up to that sweater,
I can feel it all.
Every single hug you ever gave me.
It breaks me down,
I have to take a break from reality
Escaping to a quiet, private room.
I sit down and I can feel.
You in this moment are here, so incredibly close to me,
In this moment I want to give you a million missed hugs.
There is so much I want to talk to you about.
So many things I want to ask you.
So many memories that you would have loved to be there for dad.
I wish I could have seen the look on your face,
At the end of Azlyn’s first dance recital?
She was our perfect little show stealer.
I would love to sit with you again.
Coffee in one hand, and a smoke in the other.
We could look at each other, with the feeling of succeeding.
While we smile the most genuine smiles
While we are filled with pride.
Staring at that amazing work of art,
That I can’t believe is my first baby girl.
She was your everything,
Please know Dad, you loved her well.
I am glad she saw papa, that she had you in her life.
The dad I remember, the amazing one with MS
That wasn’t quite so sick, wasn’t losing his strength.
That I didn’t have to help you with things.
Things you wanted to do, but you couldn’t anymore.
I am glad to know you trusted me more than anybody else,
After yourself.

I hold the sweater to my cheek and I close my eyes again.
I see my dad’s shoulders shaking, holding in a laugh.
When he knows the hilarious ending to a joke and no one else does.
I can see him once again ordering 56 pies individually delivered to his truck.  
On Saturday afternoons, while we sit out back.
Playing in the water,
Then I make you play market with me.
We **** some snails, as you laugh at me
I am in a flower girl dress from my cousins wedding.
I see us on saturday mornings at 5 am,
Watching rockin rhymes fairytales.
It was the only time the show was on.
I watched a taped one once, instantly hooked.
Then you spent the week reviewing the entire week
using the tv guide.
You found it for me.
You were so excited to tell me,
That I could watch my favourite show,
I loved our Saturdays together Dad.
We would watch the show,
Then listen to the radio show.
That would have the cartoon trivia call in contest.
Dad, you always knew the answer and we won
So many things, one sticks out the most.

We won tickets to Canada’s Wonderland.
I wanted to go so bad, I had never been anywhere like that.
Rides, actual roller coasters, a water park.
In places like that though, you would be stuck.
You would be left out just because of something as simple as a door frame.
But you were there, watching me
Maybe not the best view,
Probably not the way either of us wanted it.
But you were there dad watching me.

So when I held your sweater tonight I knew.
You are still watching me Dad,
With love and care in your heart.
It may not be the seat you wanted to have.
I know I wish that it wasn’t this way.
4 years after you died.
Folding a large grey woolen sweater tonight.
I felt you there with me, I got a hug from you.
I cried and you were there with me.
For the first time in four years I felt whole again.
Safe
Special.
Like I had a family again.
Someone believed in me,
Appreciated who I was just the way I am.
I love you Dad, and thank you for being in my life.
It was great seeing you again Dad,
Seeing your face again,
Hearing your voice,
Comforting my anxiety.
I was reminded that you are always watching me.
Just not from the ideal seat.
But then again it never was.

It is extremely terrifying to have to start over.
Especially when that is really all you seem to do.
You start over and over, and never really end up getting anywhere.
And then, I guess you die.
How many times have I had everything taken from me?
Out on the streets, turning from the left to the right
Trying to take in my surroundings and find some solid ground.
Sometimes it is there, and sometimes it’s not.
Sometimes it feels like I am trying to escape from quicksand.
Never really getting ahead but never getting any further down.
Just staying in the same spot about to drown at any given minute.
I don’t call this living at all anymore.
It is just surviving and my strength is getting much harder to find.
It is getting harder to breathe, way too harder to smile.
It is getting hard to believe in myself.
Or in the belief that I am capable of anything more than I have already done.
I worry at times that all the happiness and good memories to make have already happened.
That for the rest of my life I will just be continuing this never ending struggle.
Then one day I will just slip down into the dirt.
And I will just be gone.
And no one will remember me for the good I never did.
And no one will remember me for the love they felt for me.

One day, no one will notice but I will just be gone.

I guess one of these days I am going to thank you.
I am not gonna hurt as much as I do right now,
Not gonna want to just give up on people completely.
I won’t sit hear and wish you were here,
I won’t feel so alone without you here.
One day, I am not going to worry about you dying.
Or laying somewhere hurt, losing control.
One of these days, I may not even think about you at all.
There will come a time when the pain won’t be so fresh.
Although I feel that I am never gonna feel secure.
It is not just you and it is not just your fault.
That I feel so repulsive, undesirable only a mere annoyance.
Because for once I just wanted to be beautiful enough,
Smart enough, fun enough.
For once I just wanted to be enough.
If only the damage done before you didn’t destroy me.
Didn’t just leave me here too broken for anyone to handle.  
For now I just don’t think I will ever be good enough,
sane enough, desirable enough, attractive enough, clean enough.
For now I assume I will never be happy enough.
It is funny how only a day or two ago,
we sat in a room with friends.
They said countless times how they wish they had a girlfriend like me.
Isn’t it funny, that you have me and I am the absolute last thing you want.

One day soon I am gonna start moving on,
Someone else will make me smile.
Someone else will make me giggle when they aren’t there,
Just like you did.
One day soon maybe I will understand
Why you hit on every one of my friends in a room,
Why you flirt with every girl you see.
Except for me of course,
I am hoping that after you are gone,
So will the way you can make me feel invisible
In a room, watching you try to be with anyone but me.
Maybe one day I will be able to feel like I am the only one.
The only one that someone wants,
The way I had started to feel about you.
Maybe one day I am gonna be the first thing that you see when in a room.
Maybe one day you will want me back,
You will regret what you said,
Or you will regret what you did.
Or what you didn’t do .

In time, I will move on and I will wish you away.
As hard as I wish you were here trying for me now.

One day I will be okay, or I won’t be
One day you will be okay, or you won’t be.
Maybe tomorrow you will sober up and you will apologize.
You will come here and you will actually try.
maybe I am just holding onto a pipedream,
but don’t worry though I am letting you go.
And the only thing that would change the ending where we part ways is you.
I know that this is far fetched and I am in a fairy tale land.
Right now though, just to not have my self esteem crumble
and to not have my heart break, and to not wish myself into someone else.
I will hold on the to the fairy tale.
And I will hold onto the knowledge that one day,
you will just be a memory.

So what exactly did I do?
To have you become so angry at me you just cut me out of your life.
To forget about me completely after I held it down for you.
I'm dopesick and I'm tired of hurting for someone that doesn't give a ****.
I'm lost and I'm sorry but it never even mattered to you.
Do you miss me right now? Cause I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice and I miss looking at your perfect lips.
I miss just having to kiss them and I miss the way you could make me laugh.
I miss sitting there and just looking over at your perfect face.
Surprised every time at how perfectly gorgeous you truly are.
I miss you kissing my head as you held me close.
I miss knowing I had you as mine.
I miss not hurting, I don't wanna keep checking my phone.
No new texts, no missed calls and just more and more disappointing silence.
No one here with me, nothing to call mine.
Just some pictures of you and I that I took that I wish I had just took today.
Instead I will just sit here and try my hardest to forget what I felt for you.
I'll make myself forget you until I am okay.