i sometimes imagine
boys with sunburnt skin falling
into saltwater seas
with laughter on their lips

i. as i lay out on the concrete street i wonder if the bright lights and loud honking will drown out my thoughts; if this is how it ends.

ii. rolling to my side i feel the soft sheets of my bed- pills in hand as i ponder taking one too many, the phone’s nearby anyway.

iii. moving my head off the edge i imagined the never ending sky- pitch black and coated with dancing stars; standing on the edge i’ve never felt so light before.

iv. as i lay with my arms resting on my chest i think of my coffin; wrapped in an itchy dress and skin littered with scars they couldn’t cover.

v. i wake up on the floor, sheets askew and a ringing in my ears as i take in a breath, the day anew.

and see what happens.

Dear titanic, tell me of how you survived your last hurrah- tell me of how you didn’t see the iceberg, tell me of how it felt to lay down on the ocean floor, tell me of how empty you are, the skeletons of your passengers are all but hollow husks- skeletons from a time that is now gone.
“I am not empty,” the titanic says back to me, her voice muffled by bubbles and groans from rust coated pipes.
“But you are, I say. “You are empty but filled with ghosts- yours, the oceans, theirs. They party and laugh and drink and dance and run in your rooms, your hallways that go on forever.”
“You are the empty one,” titanic whispers, rusty railings creaking.
Dear titanic, how did you feel, sinking, ripping in two- unable to be put together again, how did it feel becoming a broken heart? Did you bleed? Did you do it to yourself?
“Was your sink an accident?”
“What do you think?” She growls- groans and moans echo all around.
“How did the music players continue on as you sank- their instruments and lungs filling up with seawater as their somber music filled the ears of your passengers?”
“They just played on, soothing my pain,” came the reply.
“Dear titanic-” I started.
“Let me ask you- why have you come?” She demands.
“To learn your secrets of course.”
“That’s not why.”
“Who hurt you for you to seek me out? Why have you come?”
“I've come to find out what you did to survive.” I reply.
“Then you know now” She whispers, pipes groaning as she shook with mirthless laughter
“Do I?” I questioned.
“Yes.” I imagined her smiling at me- broken glass as teeth and sharp lines for lips.
“How did you survive?” I whispered, my heartbeat echoing in the stillness- needing to hear the words I hoped she wouldn't say.
“I didn’t.”


— dear titanic, tell me of how you survived your sinking // a.

Your scent lingers on your shirts
and your words still taint my skin
your memory still eats away at me,
slowly but surely
i get rid of you
you become a ghost
i let you fade
until you’re nothing.  
                       ( just like you told me. )

— karma’s a ***** has so am i // a.

you almost make me
hate you more
than I hate myself.

— how you push my buttons // a.