am i deserving of love, to love and to be loved? my mind started to question back as if i have had enough. it is the pathological effect from my illness that makes me feel like my mind was playing trick.

my days consisted of hesitation, building me a wall between what i used to feel so heavily and what i push away to the point where it’s hurting me. being vulnerable sometimes isn’t right way to start it off but on the other hand, refusing to be vulnerable can be more of a tired pattern of pushing people away and hiding your emotion too. seeing the breaths of silence dancing on the screen that parts us, makes me wounded to the pain of being vulnerable.

time to feel it blowing through, i’m trying hard not to sabotage my happiness anymore.

it was the day, i didn’t expect to find you
i didn’t expect to learn you
i didn’t expect to share so much
i was hesitant at first, but of course
i gave in, i opened up knowing full
you will left me too

the silence you gave is noxious
it's been a year of cautious
now and then i try to find
the fault in my mind

i might know the anger and sadness
and wish to go back to better times
that stems away from the awkwardness
and the action of my crime

one cold night
as i feel disincline
to do what i hate the most
i open my heart

as i always asked myself
what happens when people open their hearts?
do they get hurt?

i found out the answer
as i woke up the next day
atleast i feel refresh
"no, they get better"

scars between her flesh and skin
is just a prisoner as i touch
every battle she's in
yet it conceals so much

what secrets they hold
beneath those layers of light and love
she reigns without control
regret is what she got a plenty of

from those eyes i see
hold a misery hide
what do they see in me
with caution or bashful side

hello friend
that’s lame. maybe i should give you a name? but that’s a slippery *****, you’re only in my head. i didn’t want this. i created you. we have to remember that.

stop it.

why can’t i stop it? it’s just my illusion. it came by the time i want to hide it. i’m not hiding it but i’m a coward, it feels painful not to pretend. sometimes i dream of saving the world, saving everyone from the invisible hand, the one that forces us to go work with them, the one that control us everyday without us knowing it. i can’t help it. i’m not that special. just an anonymous.

****.

it’s actually happening again.
i’m talking to an imaginary friend.

hey dear lady
you got so pretty
and they are all looking at you
i can't held it too

who are you dear lady
you just drive me crazy
hurt me a pinch
look everyone's jaws drop an inch

your hair falls perfectly
like an art of the shady
it's parting ten out of ten
what glory for day of men

the sky is no longer white
with the cloud appeared turn them grey
my heart melted in the shades of night
that now it means to stay

the red sun used to wash the blue ocean
now turn its face to black
as i leave the darkness in motion
you tied my shadows safe from gliding back

sometimes i take your letter out of my book
that holds thousand secrets in its heart.

alone, i read it out loud
between two sobs
i stop
wondering if you still read mine.

if you died right now
would anyone care
but let’s be honest
no one would give a ****

the few people who’d feel obligated
to go to your funeral
would be annoyed
and leave as early as possible

that is who you are
and what you are
you are nothing
to anyone, to everyone,
so think about it

poor brother likes a girl,
thick hair with many of curl.
got rejected but didn't feel sad,
losing girl who doesn't appreciate him makes he glad.

all we had were fragments,
we try to fix the broken heart.
within the shame and sentiment,
knowing it doesn't change a single part.

climbing up the roof,
looking for another way out.
we all human and goof,
doing mistake that's us all about.

today is my favorite day.
i get to be so close to see you.

your eyes are my favorite thing.
it keep blazing under the sun that shining,
even though you're busy with everyday chores,
i was dragged into a fantasy by a wonderful host.

your eyes look so lovely,
passionate warmth like the ocean in the sea.
as this may be my last chance,
i hope that today will never end.

each day i heal my breaking soul, broken twice but you brush it off with your presence. plan talking and guessing at best, speculation been made between us with some inner understanding.

ain’t nothing like in the movies. no accidental touch of hands, not even an intense eye gazing. my eyes still see nothing else but a soul that saved me.

the moment when you notice things ; tone of voices made up the best motivation when it’s obviously sound silly and odd but that’s it.

it does exist.

i know you is a real deal.