The buzzed people
burn out on the street.
It's four a.m.
and cold toes are leaving imprints
on the concrete face
where the drunks and the homeless
beg for help
and for the past to change.

You, me, and every one we've met,
lean on the side of the tattooed bar,
smoking cigarettes that stain our lips,
slurring words that escape our souls.

You're wearing
Black Chuck Taylor All-Stars,
as we stand underneath
the black, starry sky.
You tell me,
as you put out the cherry
with your wet thumb,
that, "I busted my cherry
while riding my bike.
I hit a bump, then another,
and another."

We kiss and you whisper,
"It sounds better than the truth, right?"
I feel overwhelming sadness,
as I look at your freckles,
your speckled irises,
and I want to believe
the manufactured ignorance
that the world offers
and you take,
saying, "Of course, love."

i used to toy with memories like children play a game
and let myself believe i wouldn't make it through the day
the sun would tell me differently, the moon would have me speak
and everything I couldn't say would shut my mouth for me
i put too many yesterdays beneath a bitter tongue
i conjured up the heaviness of all that i had done
without a sense of rationale i'd put myself to bed
and crawl into the corners that existed in my head
they're not like i remembered and i must've grown too tall
i can't believe i ever thought i knew myself at all

Wisconsin, fine--
We sit on state lines.
Across the street, Rodeo Drive.
Move a little bit
and East L.A. makes you feel alive.

Go to the diner
where the mermaids wear aprons
and hold out menus like personal stock.
Where the surfer-rama drama in the diner deep
allows them to let go of those they keep.

And you and me and those we love,
keep us finite, because why not.
I could tell you how to eat your waffles
if you will be the spoon that stirs my coffee.

Listen to me,
"Rachel, there's no one, right now,
that I'd rather sit and eat breakfast with than you.
And if it doesn't work out,
and we choke on our meals, that's fine.
I just want to try when I'm with you."

We exchange glances
and I'm sure, then,
that I adore the aplomb,
for your smile leads myself
into believing and being more.

The lines curve
like scissors,
like a paper doll
with dotted lines
and you're playing connect the dots

so you're     [  outside the box   ]
And now nobody can hear you
in this Space

Now you are cutting lines
carving gardens in your arms
hoping
coping
that these are just scars

so you're disappointed
that you're disappointed
and maybe that's to be expected
some folks make beds
out of their catharsis
differently than others
it's this list
of things you lost in the fire
or how jealous you are
of people
who never came back up for air
you're crying
so the faucets leak out of solidarity
& someone asks you
why the floor is wet
so you tell them
"we've been weeping here forever"
then they want to give you
a mouth full of presupposition
by saying
"are you going down with the ship?"
& you look them in the mouth
like Leo is handcuffed to a pipe
five decks down
you look at them
like you just woke up
from that dream everyone has
where all their teeth fall out
maybe it's an intervention
a hearse vs station wagon origin story
a clearance sale
& everything's gotta go
or maybe it's the dream
where you're at the docks
from your childhood
and there's a little girl
unmooring all the ships
because she thinks
they'll float away
but every time
she unties them
they just sink




                                          they just sink

she wanted to enjoy her year,
but her constant state of mind
is a long glass wall.
looking through the
other side,
her lover lives.
on her current side,
she is no longer safe
around the people she trusts most.
the other side has her
words plastered on every
surface visual to the world.
positivity.
the grass is not necessarily
greener, but the mountains,
my god,
are taller and fresher
with the lakes sparkling
beauty.
solitude.
her current side contains
her words sprayed on to
every surface
invisible to the world.
negativity.
she hides away.
her lover speaks
with swords.
her best friend takes
the heartbeat away
in her sleep.
her mountains are muddy.
isolation; danger.