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Evie Aug 2019
they scream in guilt

i respond in silence

they hear rage

i hear red compulsions

they leave

my skin is now crying

all i wanted was a hug

you *******
Evie Jun 2019
in order of me to finally leave, i need to fall out of love with the world, my love is nostalgic and it cuts skin, i threw it away for peace, it was disturbing my routine, i hate how much i need, it how much i can't leave it, but feeling like i need to, because days are death in this place, but death has always been lovely, it's sickening to be alive and bored, i prefer fear, i prefer school days the endless loop of friendly abuse, of looking in their eyes and them never looking at me, it was familiar and unpredictable, ******* fun, why is chaos fun, why, why, oh god, i want it all around me, i want it inside me, shaky hands, no breath left from crying, cutting my skin with hairdresser scissors, laughing like a maniac in the middle of the night, drinking until i pass out, i smell *****, it goes everywhere, coming to get me, voices are coming to get me, with their words, how healthy and happy i need to be, and to that i spit  in your face and cry about it later, because you are right, but i am not right, the world isn't for me, so i need to stop loving it and just go.
im just tired of everything it never goes away always comes back and nobody gives a **** not even me
  May 2019 Evie
John Edward Smallshaw
No one remembers Manny the monkey except for me, he was for a long time.a comfort, he
constantly clung to me, sometimes he'd strangle me, most times just hang off my back.

and Manny was friendly. too friendly,

in the end he
had to go,
Evie May 2019
nightmares every night
all of the guilt and shame of the people everywhere
comes inside me
it forces itself in
im paralyzed to my bed
and i just sit there
inviting it
coming inside
it is so heavy i barely manage to breathe
it makes me huge
fat ballon pushing my insides out
my eyes the eyes of a frog
big enough to LOOK AND SEE
and feel
and dream
your dreams
your pain
"not anymore'' i say to you
" its yours take it
care for it
i need to let go
and to leave... "
so i wake up.






but it continues
manic laughter and tears
every night its the same
in the day i forget
in the night im afraid
in the dreams i remember
ignorance is bliss
so i wake up.




and it starts over
im havjng a lot of nightmares and scary **** so im feeling a bit messy
  Mar 2019 Evie
LS
when a poet falls in love with you
you can never die
they will notice the way
you rub your palms and look down
when someone is angry at you
and the way you smirk
as you pull away from a kiss

they will notice how you can't sleep
without your body touching someone else's
how you never crease any pages of books
and how you close your eyes when you dance in your kitchen
with your record player on

they will find all of the words
that they see you as
and turn them into something beautiful

people say you die twice
once when you stop breathing
and when someone says your name
for the last time

if you fall in love with a poet
they will never stop
mentioning your name
you will be alive
for eternity
Evie Mar 2019
today i washed the dishes
but now im sad
i finished a painting
but now im still sad
i took a shower
while i was sad
i went for a walk
walking sadly
i lay in my bed
looking sad
i guess no matter what i do
im going to be sad
Evie Mar 2019
may i ask
who gave you the right
to have such power
to ruin my body
to wear my skin
******* freak
stop stuffing my face
you ******* freak
recently its all been blurred
like did you put something in my drink
while i was pretending looking away
i feel so distanced
life feels so unreal
i look in the mirror
i see you impostor
blurred vision making it almost seem like
this is me
a ******* freak
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