"Just one" I say " wait just three , okay four" I swore I'd stop , "it's okay" I would say " nobody has to know " .

You see it can take one word , an action a sound , to make the gears in your head spin around and around . They can go as slow as a turtle on a hot summers day , wait don't think about summer , summer has to go away.

Summer can never be here , no sun or clear sky because sun means shorts , tank tops , your friends by your side .

" it's just for today , tomorrow will be fine " you tell your friends you're busy " it's okay , they won't ask you why" the voice inside my head has an answer for everything , it tells me how happy that little blade can make me .

" it can bring you to places you know you can enjoy, trust me? I'm sure I've never let you down before "

**** it's hot , I can't take my top off , oh god no not again , I can feel myself sweating , it's at the back of my neck , mocking me, yelling.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way , but the blood makes me happy , I never thought blood was beautiful till I saw it dripping out of my own skin , to see gravity pulling it straight to the ground , with it goes my sadness for a little while at least .

You see my daemons  never rest they sleep 2 hours at the most but something inside my head keeps willing me to go .

But summer can't be here , not yet , just stay away , I know if it comes my cuts and scars will be on show , **** what will my parents say , my cousin , my neighbours, **** what about my best friend she asked me if I was okay .

But of course I said no and found comfort in a blade, my body is a canvas ,I just paint it a different way.

You choose to leave me and that's fine .

I hope I see you soon , well maybe not today , or tomorrow , or even in a year , but eventually you're going to turn up and realise the damage has been done .

It has taken me years of scratching at my skin , opening up my wounds with fresh heartache from another bitter night with another guy, you see it's not considered a one night stand , no , never, it's more of an audition but nobody ever gets a call back.  They made me half believe that for a few hours I was the one they need , but little did they know in reality we both just wanted to be held in another's arms no matter how foreign they felt.

Now all I can do is lay on my bed , fall asleep , hope that dreams of you and I never come to  mind then wake up and do nothing about it .

Mould has grown in the places you used to touch .

Darling what a terrible thing that is.

I was once a rose with so many thorns but have turned into nothing but a fungus , a ****  , nothing but a disaster.

You came to me with your edges so sharp willing to cut off my petals if things got to much .

I let you in and moulded myself around you , my vines intertwined with your limbs trying to make us one.

You never liked the felling of another pressed against you , never quite understood how one could stay in the same place for such a length of time without wanting to expand further and Interrupt another's path.

What you didn't know was I gave you everything , I shed my petals to give you a bed of roses , but it seemed my path wasn't good enough nor my petals bright enough or even my vines intertwined with your limbs enough to make you stay.

So I sit here , as my body withers with nothing but a fungus to keep me warm , I intertwine my body with the mould given and hope that one day you will come back , with your edges not so sharp and sinful and tell me how bright my petals were and how sorry you are for making me nothing more than a notch in your bedpost.