I determine to die loved.
Even if it is only
by myself.

I sit in a flimsy plastic chair that squeaks at the slightest movement,
Ana stands because it burns more calories and says I should do the same
My arms are folded over my chest, slouching and brooding
The bracelet Ana bought me sounds like shackles when I move
The wedding band on my finger weights more than I do
"Why are you here today?" Our therapist asks
"She's been cheating on me with that **** Mia!" Ana yells
"I already told you it didn't mean anything. We were broken up then."
My explanation makes her angrier though and she snaps,
"You just can't handle commitment!"
I've heard her use this voice multiple times and a list of all the insult circumnavigates my brain
Stupid
Ugly
Worthless
Never good enough
Unlovable
Pathetic
Fat
Fat
FAT
"You call this uncommitted?" I point to my stomach which growls on cue
Our therapist asks how long we've been together
I say over 2 years
Ana says we've been together my whole life
I tell him she's abusive
"It doesn't look like she's done that much damage" He notes
When the hours up Ana walks to the door
I tell her I just need a minute
I turn to our therapist who's already packing up
"Please help me. I need to get our of this relationship now!"
He ***** his head up as if it's the simplest answer in the world,
"Then why don't you just eat?"

To be what they want
Is to win a battle
To be who you are
Is to win a war

Dear You,

     I hope your day is wonderful. I want all of your days to be wonderful. I want you to wake up and smell roses, or dance in the rain, or be able to look in the mirror and just smile. I want you to know that someday you will make someone so incredibly happy, and that you'll be their whole world. I want you to know that you are incredible. You're perfectly imperfect. You're so special.

     I want you to know that you're my happiness. And I know that we are just friends and that I shouldn't feel the way that I feel because you couldn't feel the way that I feel and it isn't fair for me to even think that we could be anything other than friends, but I think about you all the time. I dream about you every night. You're the first thought when I wake up in the morning, and you're the my final prayer every evening.

     I want you to know that I am completely aware that this could never be anything at all. You aren't interested, and it has nothing to do with me but with my gender. No matter how many drunken nights you say otherwise, you will wake up sober and only want a woman. And I want you to want me all the time.

     I want you to know that I'm okay with that, because there is absolutely nothing else I can do. I can't change who I am to please you, and I would never want to anyway. I want you for who you are, and I want you all  the time.

     I want you to know that I would love you unconditionally, that I would give the world to you, all wrapped in a little bow if it would make you smile- God, I love your smile.

    I want you to know that in this whole wide world there are 7 billion people, and each and every individual is beautiful in their own unique way. In this world there are 7 billion different faces with different personalities, all of which will fall in love, smile, fall out of love, hurt, and fall in love with a different person all over again.

     I want you to know that within those 7 billion people there is only one you, and you are perfectly imperfect. You are the only person I want. I could spend the rest of my days looking at your face and that would be okay. I don't need an incredible life with fame and fortune, because having you would be the most fortunate thing.

     And I want you to know that even though you'll never want me, you are all I've ever wanted.

Dear you,
I hope you know that no boy is ever worth saying yes when you really mean no. If he really loves you, he'll understand. You don't need validation from anyone. You're beautiful on your own, in your own way. You may not be perfect, but to someone you are. You'll just have to find him. He's out there somewhere. I hope you've already met him, but it's ok if you haven't. There's no need to rush into anything. Except for change. Rush into change because you're afraid of it but it's happening right in front of you and there's nothing you can do about it. So face your fears head-on and embrace the changes in your life. Embrace your sexuality. Embrace your ever-changing moods. Embrace the present, because you'll never get it back. But most of all, embrace yourself. Don't forget to care for yourself, because someday at the end that's all you'll have left. Don't forget it.
Love, you

Maybe if I bleed enough the taste of you will disappear,
maybe, if I hurt enough i will forget the way you smelt
the taste of your lips,
all the times you said " I love you"
all the times you didn't mean it
im left here, picking up the pieces, of the heart that beat for you
im alone here, hearing nothing but your voice
feeling nothing,
but the absence of you
and the sting of my wrists.