most sunny afternoons
i could swear i hear you
from behind me with a
hey, dewdrop or a
how you doin’ today, mim
and i think when i turn i’ll
see you walking up, tall
and gangly with a hat on
and your big smile. but it’s
always
just a breeze through my hair,
always
just the warmth of a spring
day on my face.
mom says it’ll get easier, says
we should all keep believing
that it’s you in those moments,
reaching out from some far off
intangible place in the only ways
you can.
he just wants to see you smile,
baby girl.
so i’m trying to reach back in
the ways i think you would if
this had been the other way
around and i hope you see me,
hope you can feel my love
floating up to wherever you
are. i hope you’re proud of me.

I'm kind of stuck
At least... I think I am
Somewhere between telling everyone I know to *******
And "just please come hold me friend"

Some place in between an uneasy heart and hectic mind

"I'm depressed"
Can't I just say it without having to explain why?
Sometimes I don't even know which reason to choose

Short replies

"You seem like you don't want to talk"

You're right, but I also want to reach out
I want out
I want to let go of everything
And capture it all in my arms

like a fire fly in the palm of restless hands,
Just let me hold on to your light
Atleast, just for tonight

Because I'm feeling stuck.

How ironic it is
to want something so bad
that the moment you have a chance at it
it suddenly doesn’t mean half as much

It’s as if your purpose
stemmed from your yearning
and all you had to do was have it in reach
for everything to fall in place

So what do you do when
everything is still in pieces
The thing you were dreaming about
ends up different than your fantasies

You end up so focused on the finish line
that you don’t realize
that the path you neglected on the way
might make you happier

Maybe that’s the way we are
Constantly chasing after the next thing
to keep our hearts pumping double speed
Instead of finding the satisfaction
in stability

Or maybe this is me
getting exactly what I asked for
and realizing that I never wanted it
in the first place

Maybe I’m finally realizing
that I’m better off without you
That I can make myself happier
than you ever could
than you ever will

I know that it's hard
You can feel the anger and frustration rising up from your core
unsure of whether it will seep out of your eyes or your lungs
You're not sure how to react
Do you tear down everything in sight
or do you crawl into bed for the rest of the week
letting yourself fall into darkness

The reality is, you'll do both
Some days you'll want to yell at the top of your lungs
You'll want to throw rocks at windows
rip all your pictures and throw them in the fire
And on other days you'll want to be left alone
in the warm comfort of your bed
with a box of tissues and the saddest music you can find

I know you don't understand why it had to be you
Why you had to be the one to feel so broken
Out of all the people in the world
What did you ever do to deserve this
You'll feel tempted to blame yourself
for the hurt caused by someone else

It's not your fault
It's not your responsibility to control their actions
The fact is, you can't change what happened
As much as you want to, you can't turn back time
What's done is done
Now you're left in the rubble
I know that that's not fair
Nothing seems fair enough

Everything will hurt
Getting up in the morning with a fake smile
Watching the people in your life so full of joy
Forcing yourself to do anything but wallow in pity
It's not easy
You need to give yourself more credit
I know that when you say you're doing okay
you probably aren't, and that's okay

It won't be okay for a while
I wish I could tell you it will but that's not true
It will **** today, tomorrow and the next day after that
You'll have happy days, but you won't be happy

You may not believe it or even want to hear this but
at some point, you'll wake up and it'll hurt a little less
At the end of the day, you are the person you're left with
You will learn how to let yourself feel better
because if you don't, who will?
You don't deserve to feel sad forever
You deserve the chance for happiness
You deserve it all

all of this.
this breathing.
this walking.
this speaking.
this writing.
all of this is here
all of this is to say
that i was here.
that i am here,
and when i am no longer here,
i still will be.
all of this
is an attempt
to not forget myself
to not let you forget me.
all of this.
this body.
this hair.
this skin.
this voice.
all of this is here.
all of this, it matters.
today
i mattered
tomorrow
i will.