Self,
centered,
watching the world burn.
This calm is maintained by
expelling air in between each blink.
Glass is far in sight,
glasses cracked
and not foreseen,
because I'm not a seer.
Blanketed in ignorance,
wrapped: up tight.
Shelf this selfishness, I'm told.
So I consider this advice.
Rearranging the paperbacks.
Misplacing the first editions.
All the math in the world; variables
do not ease understanding
of long division.
So I'm left not right,
have never been alright,
and that is why being centered
is crucial for survival.
That is why becoming adaptable
isn't laughable
while watching the world burn.
It's having a cold disposition
to withstand the heat.

My system has shut down
and I'm sorry I can't process
the conversation you are sending my way.
It seems your words
travel a one way street
getting lost among the tangled sheets
of my brain.
And I cannot dream
when my mind is always awake,
spinning and swirling all around,
peace will not be found.
my vision blurring
as I hurry
my breathing.
It feels as if time doesn't pass.
or maybe it goes too fast?
my stomach
tangled in knots
reflects the chaos of my thoughts.
"I'm alone
My eyes aren't working
I'm alone
Are my lungs giving out?
I'm alone
My stomach is trying to eat itself
I'm alone
Why won't my hands stop shaking?
I'm alone
Where's the air?
I'm alone
People hate me
I'm alone
Why isn't anyone helping?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone"
STOP.
Deep breaths,
Close your eyes,
Focus on the air coming through your nose,
all the way into your lungs and back out.
Your eyes are fine
You will be ok
Your hands will stop trembling
You will be ok
Just breathe

My father told me
to **** myself.
Lacking like-mindedness,
thankfully I've never been one
to do as they're told.

Knuckles white,
gripping the steering wheel,
face flush,
my inner monologue tells me
to drive straight through the curve.
A crash a crunch and a click.
This accident had a purpose;
was on purpose.
Upside-down, perspective is vertigo.
Clarity is a crack in the windshield.

Shattered glass lay around me.
Lump in my throat
from a pill too large to swallow.

So I crawl to an antique store
and purchase an urn.
A pull from a cigarette, I tap
the ash into the urn.
When the pack is finished
I place the lid
and hand the contents
to my father.

i was going to therapy
but all it did was make me angry
because thats what happens when you are depressed and filled with anxiety.

the feelings overwhelm the brain,
making it hard to make sense of anything,
as you get beat up in the metaphorical boxing ring.

taking swings left and right,
you can’t put up much of a fight
against the feelings of complete fright.

tired and hopeless,
you begin to give in,
pleading with your thoughts to just take the win.

today i spent all day in bed
caused by the thoughts in my head,
they swirled
and whirled
all about
pouring steadily from their spout,
the vicious words caressed my mind
making sure i'd give up in no time.

today i spent all day crying
because i cannot stop myself from dying,
the knife will cut me bone deep
as my sadness screams out in sweet release,
the deed will be done
and i will fade to no one.

today i spent all day flying
since i finally gave up on trying,
i let the blood spill from my veins
happily handing over the reigns
to death,
letting him lead me with my last breath.

today i had no way to spend the day.
finally free of my mind, decayed.

I don't trust myself or anybody else,
Lost in the thoughts that run
rings around my head.
Trying to keep up
as my brain slips into its comatose state.
No room left to feel
so my hearts begins to disappear.
Death is my friend,
welcoming with open arms and a sly grin.
He knows that I will slowly sink into his depths.
Lost beyond all hope,
as darkness eats me inside out
I cannot,
will not scream or shout,
for help
Or mercy.