Dear Academia;
I took the adderall
because I thought
you wanted me
to be a machine.  I didn't
understand that
amphetamine tasted
like candy once you
got used to the way
your jaw locked and your
ears rang.  Dear
academia, did you
see my face when you
read my GPA, did
you see the way I stayed
up too late after my
after school activities
trained me to live with
anxieties?  Dear academia,
why am I afraid of the mirror?
Why did you teach me how
to write a perfect paper but
never prepared me for
the look in his eye when he told
me he didn't love me either.  Dear
academia, i'm ******* and you're
swallowing me, does the sting
of your impulses feel better
when you know you're eating
my hard earned money?  
Dear academia, why
do you give me empty promises?  Why
should I spill my blood with
this diploma, list
my ethnicity and birthdate
next to the insignificance
of what you think makes me
worthy, do
these details feed your
impending due dates or
are you just getting off
to the idea that
only the educated few
know how to
think straight?  Dear
academia,
I tried my hardest
to let you fool me, I
can feel your ego fattening
beside me as I watch your
children scramble for their
ideas of monetary
gluttony.  You're increasing
our wage gaps, do my late night
tears fuel your addiction to epistemic
poverty?  Dear academia, you
taught me to think critically.   I am on fire
with the matches you forgot
you hatched within
me.  Scorpions occasionally
eat their parents and I hate
to admit that this ****
has me hungry.

All the lights
have gone out
in my eyes
and you've hidden
the matches.

Didn't I tell you
I was afraid of
the dark?

Teach me to
swim
in the
sound-waves
of your voice.

he would always tell me that he loved me,
and i believed him.
but the fact that he never showed me he loved me,
should have been a dead give away.

his words were just that: words.
lies that kept me off his back
out of sight, out of mind
until the next time he needed me.

i don't know whats worse:
being lied to,
or knowing that in his eyes
i wasn't worthy of the truth.

my own worth,
i saw his words.
without him,
i was nothing

I Am Nothing.

My Grandmother told me stories
How she lived across the street from Bugsy Siegel's mother in Brooklyn
If you knew my family, it's hardly believable.
Mobsters near the family, I was told "things always fell off the truck."
I guess Great Grandpa Willie made it by, must have had good luck.

Berger became Bock, Grandma Marcia married Joel, my Grandpa.
He left Brooklyn for the Air force and they moved to Arkansas
East to Midwest, to West....
Grandma went with him, they finally rested in sunny California.
Willie would have been proud of Joel when he served during Korea.

William Berger passed away, I never knew him.
We now have scholars, businessmen, artists and athletes
It's iconic how living here will shape your reality
The memories and moments of a family to which we clutch
Softly being recorded, my family history shows how much he loved us.

A mysterious, touching legacy was left over time.
I'm sure my grandmother keeps pictures and pages I will never find.
No matter what, whether he was honest, hardworking, or in crime,
I know he did it all for his family, prosperity or depressing times.

I was told he had a lot of courage, and always made friends
I wish I could have seen his face, I wish I could have met the man.

Grandma says I look like him.

i was near hanging
standing on the chair
ready to stop breathing oxygen, air
i thought of you
and how we used to be
it pushed me closer to the edge
i thought i'd fall off
but then i remembered
how in your arms i always feel caught

crying and shaking
i made myself climb down
you are my wicked hope
you are my home
i need to keep breathing
if only just for you
you have saved me so many times
darling, i'm sorry and thank you

He says to me,

You make it really difficult to talk to you.

All I can respond with is,

*I know.

It depresses me
To see other couples
Or people hooking up
I don't know why
But it has something to do
With you