I am so homesick,
And for what home?
Sick of trying to find the way
To where? To who?

And I think the idea of home
Is keeping my soul at bay
From turning blue
Or from falling into the abyss

Because I am so homesick,
Yet home is an illusion
A lover's rotten hope
For a pleasant eternal rest

You don't know how much
I am willing to surrender
just to give you even an ounce
of hope
and sunshine that I have

I can't wait to see you
genuinely happy,
in solitude,
in the company of others,
in the mundane

My tuahine, I love you.
I do not know how to tell you,
but your existence
makes my world
a little more bearable

pleasantly bothered,
with ***** came a violent lust,
honeysuckle, you suckled me
thunders struck as bodies aligned,
tongues entwined

I rocked with your rhythm,
your fingers had me opening up
like I was among the Primroses
you stroked at night
drunken eyes, gasping mouths

savage, reluctant, insatiable
you are, while I was, and still am
bewildered, dazed, but unfazed.
with the intoxication of spirits,
came a heavenly sin

to feel a year younger
in an hour,
to have my face filled with
the crescents,
the creases,
these laugh lines
that I never thought
I'd ever see again

to be a year younger
in an hour,
with someone
a year younger than me,
is quite dangerous,
but nevertheless,
the fire of a Jupiterian
never says no to death

under the pale moonlight,
thinly strapped slip dress,
it's only 2am daddy,
see those bright city lights
making way through my thighs

oh, I can only wish
that you were here
swaying and kissing me,
I'd be the baby to your daddy
be your little kitten

you don’t have to do anything,
just put your sweet kiss on me,
give your sweet little baby
something to toss and turn about
from night to dawn

I wish you hit me.
On the face, on the arm, on my ribs,
whether it was a punch or a kick,
it did not matter.

I wish you hit me,
it would have been much easier
to show the people and your friends
the greens, the violets, the reds.

But you didn't.
Instead you used your mouth,
oh, and the sweet and bitter words,
beautiful, crazy, too much.

I bet it was easier to whisper poison
onto my ears and my head,
than to drag me out of your apartment,
and show the world who you truly are.

And now I am left with an invisible battle
that haven't even scarred yet.
And nobody knows,
nobody sees.

The greens, the violets, the reds,
the rotting, the foul smell,
of my decaying heart and soul,
eating off of your love and lies.

I wish you hit me instead.
So it was easier for the world to believe,
and easy for me to believe,
that you were the monster and not me.

I feel death being so close,
and yet I feel nothing.
Just mere, pure, and plain
nothingness.

I never thought that
I would wish it was death
that I felt and touched,
instead of nothingness.

To the rainwashed man,
no sun nor daylight came,
but Scarlet appeared
in red lips and red locks.

An angel in the fire
with heaven in her eyes,
an ethereal sight
that made him alive.

And she became his.
His gold sunlit dancer,
the fire in his *****,
the every ache of his heart

I know you practice your li[n]es,
you say, "make-up is not my thing,"
but put on layers of yellow paint
to hide the grays and blacks.

Oh how good you are,
how good of a liar you are,
to convince you and me,
that you are fine.

But sister, do you understand?
We are made of the same blood.
You will not hide from me,
no more running.

You can come undone to me,
and if you let me (please let me),
I'll be the one who'll hold off the rope,
help you become unbound.

Sister, I am here,
you can escape with me.
And I'll wait for that sunny Sunday morning,
when you're ready to be happy.

The glamour,
the lights and flashes,
the gold and the silver,
I call it home.

Crowds filling the seats,
then the shushing,
then the quiet,
and it starts.

They watch and follow,
little prying eyes,
where your feet goes,
where your fingers glide.

After all,
I'm a performer,
and this is the stage
that I call home.

But who stays
after the velvet curtain call.
When the show is done,
who remembers?

And what is remembered?
Aside from the weary bones,
broken ribs,
and flailing arms.

Who stays?
To sit on the red seats,
in the dark,
to watch a wretched performer?

For you, who is yet to come,
whom I exist for,
and would die for,

The other half of the tango,
whom I'd dance with,
and hum my songs to,

My adventure and haven,
who'd bring me to mountain peaks,
and ocean depths,

For you, who I can't seem to find,
my sweet love,
I ache to know,

How your caress feels,
the fire it brings to my *****,
the high and heaven it sends me

For you, who is yet to come,
in the quiet and the triumph,
in the chaos and the spring,

My most prized beloved,
your gold sunlit dancer
is waiting for you.

sundress on a hot day
hoist it up like no one's watching
it's la tomatina, darling
it's gotta be wild and freaky

sneak from the crowd
pull me to the alley
got your hands on my hips
your lips on my neck

do you hear me, darling
or my moans got buried in the parada
oh don't stop baby
this is españa

I do not have to meet you
so I can say that you're beautiful.
I know that you are,
and I know that you are gentle,
I know that you are kind,
welcoming, and forgiving.

I do not know but one day,
maybe I'll meet you on a busy day
as a patient or as a doctor,
or maybe on a warm Saturday,
as you call my name
written on a venti frappuccino.

All these uncertainties
will eventually lead me to that one moment
where I can say, "it makes sense now."
Why I had to hold the wrong hands,
why I had to lie in wrong rooms.

One day, I'll wake up and look,
there's the warmest smile in the world,
with the softest eyes and gentlest touch.
And he'll be angry at me sometimes,
but never disrespectful, never violent.

I will hold on to the many years
that I will spend not knowing you.
Until then, I will let everything
to not make sense yet,
and ready myself for the perfect moment.

One day,
you'll have a beautiful daughter.
She'll have your eyes,
your nose, and your smile.

Maybe you would name her
Adelaine or Elizabeth.
Maybe give her Liz or El
as a nickname.

And one day,
she's going to come home crying,
she's going to drown herself
in insecurities and self-hate.

Because a boy,
because someone just like you,
did the things you did to me,
to her.

I see it all
you, me, us
In the kitchen
dancing in sepia lights

In the mall
between the aisles
bouncing and tip-tapping
when a happy beat comes on

In the bed
between the sheets
with a faint morning light
escaping between the curtains

But now I also see
the invisible bruises
that you left in my heart
and in my mind

The harsh words
that came out of your soft lips
The heavy and strong hands
that played beautiful melodies

I see it all now
like tasting Cherry Wine
that is sweet and bold
but leaves a bitter aftertaste

My mother liked you
No, she loved you even
She welcomed you on our dinner table
like you were some kind of long lost son

But she did not warn me that the likes of you
have soft lips and tongue
That touch my skin, my *****, my soul
only to leave harsh marks and bruises

And your swift hands that play the strings
would caress my heart, slowly, gently
Only to tear and rip it apart
like how you rip my clothes until I'm naked

She did not warn me that behind those innocent eyes
is an emotionally manipulative and abusive man
who would slow dance me at 2am in the kitchen
But let go of me, and yet me when I fall

She did not warn me because she did not know
That you are just like her husband and my father
But I'm not repeating her mistakes
and blindly call it love

the darkness is more blinding
for even with my eyes shut,
monsters are more vivid than reality

silence becomes more deafening
for in silence, the screams in my head
are louder than roaring thunders

I am afraid of this emptiness
but I would rather stay here forever
for I am at peace when the lights are out

I visit graves once and lay flowers, then leave
I lay flowers on the grave of fireflies
Where once a light so bright, shined
I lay flowers on the grave of butterflies
Where wings once flapped and swayed
I lay them on the graves of children
Where warm laughters once echoed

But I came across the grave of your heart
And instead of leaving flowers,
I planted the seed of my heart
Seeds of spring, warmth, and hope
It was the only grave I ever came back to

Grave visitors are forbidden to visit again
More so, they are forbidden to plant
But I visited yours everyday and never missed
I tended the seed that I planted
When graves are watered with rain and love
Will the light pass through the cracks?
Would roses bloom on hearts that died?

Roses bloomed, and my time has come
While you thrive, I'll vanish as a punishment
For the grave visitor laid his heart for love
Perhaps, my darling, in another life
I wouldn't have to die to bring back life to you

They say "It takes two to tango"
But I can dance alone
Like a graceful ballerina
With aching ankles
And broken bones
I'll gracefully show you
How beautifully broken I am