My life is like sand,
kinda nice,
kinda irritating,
and very quickly slipping through my fingers.

I
  don't
  know
  what
I  
  need
  but
I'm
  looking
  anyways.

You say
"what's the point?"
but I sharpen my point
lead dust falling from my desk
all I can think is that
words
are just one letter away    from      swords
yet they fight very different battles
and make the point just the same
words
are just one letter away    from     swords
yet one outgrew the other in the time
and can't even come close to rhyme
words
are just one letter away    from      swords
sometimes it feels they can hurt just the same
and you think about the sword when words drive you insane
ones the weapon of the lover
the other of the fighter
both are history
both are novelties
severity of each can be overwhelming
each is feeling shelling
inventions equal only not in form
you wouldn't think
they'd be the same
but words
are just one letter away    from      swords

I just want to sleep
I just want peace
my soul is ready to reap
unpaid body lease
sunken heart so heavy
struggling for heft
drowning not deadly
I just want to rest
I'd rather be dead
and out of my head
experience release
life's trials never cease
terror in the night
terror in the day
never had the will to fight
pampering their way
shivers eternal
heightened by
poisoned paternal
I'd rather be high
rather be alone
be together
fear of the (un)known
scraps of being on tether

Snow Globes make me sad.
Such simple,
stationary things,
so easily upset by being
turned round.

There's something rotten
about the way
the cheerful snow and glitter
flurry about
and float effortlessly
into a quiet mound
on the bottom...
still
and forgotten,
until someone takes an interest
to turn their world upside down,
and for a moment,
just a moment,
the Snow Globe is brimming with life
and magic...
and then it settles,
and is forgotten.

Snow Globes make me sad.

But not Fish,
she'd say,
"Fish isn't damaged like the rest of us".

"I bought a lucky charm,
it's of a knitted fish,
because that's what you are,
my lucky little Fish"

"You're my kind little guppy"
"You're my protective piranha"
"Solitary Angel-Fish"

With all these names,
all this faith in me,
day after day
told
that I am their
"Lucky little Fish"
all because I'm not damaged.

Her forrest eyes looking into mine,
the admiration in her face,
the hint of hope in that stranger's,
at the mention
of my not being damaged.

"You're a quiet one, Fish,
but you're not damaged,
you're okay,
you're miraculous"

In that moment I felt guilty.
Thank you for believing that,
thank you for holding me high...

if only I could not lie to you.

I'd gotten so close to wanting to tell the world
no I'm not okay
No I haven't eaten today,
nor yesterday,
yes I'd like a hug
Yes I'd like to die.

But it's that faith
from those who are undoubtedly wounded
that tightens my binds.
I'm grateful
for the way they press into my skin,
holding everything in...

I needed that.

I needed that burst to regenerate
my need to keep quiet.

So I shall.
So I'll never stop.
I'll forever be your
"Lucky Little Fish"

I can try my hardest
but it'll never be
it's time to accept
that this is me.

I'll never be the girl with perfect makeup and hair
who's tiny and cute
and fun to snuggle
I'll never have a flat tummy
with a sweet smile
and sparkling eyes.
My slender face and figure
won't occupy your mind.

I'm not a party girl
no drugs or drink for me,
a good book
and quiet movie
are all I really need.

My laugh isn't girly and cute
my clothes are less than flattering.
I'm awkward in public
and even alone.
disorders prevent me
from doing what you could.
I'm not fun to hang out with
and I'm scared of everything.
My interests are abstract
and my mannerisms embarrassing.
I'm the girl no one talks to
or invites places.
and you have to look quite hard
because it seems I'm not even here.

But I will tell you this.
I'll love you with all my being
and trust my life in yours
I'm insecure
but I'll never take you for granted.
Never speak a word behind your back
be honest and kind-
and some nights I'll cry
because I'll always believe
that you deserve better than this.
better than Fish.

I'm not rare
not special.
not pretty or funny or clever.
I'm really nothing at all.
But I'll always be here.
no matter what you do
I'll sacrifice life and limb
charge a raging battle
do most anything it requires
if I can bring happiness to you.

You don't understand.


"Come talk to me,"
"Say it, it's alright"
"I'm here for you"

don't say that.
I'd talk if I could.
Maybe.

A life time of silence-
you think it's so easy,
that I can just say what's wrong.

I know nothing but silence,
I'll never say it.
never.

"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine"
"I'm Fine"
I'll never be anything but fine.

Suffer in silence.

I was not raised in a way
that I could speak
like others do.

Even if I wanted to,
I couldn't.
With each breath I hold it all back
with the everlasting promise
that I'll never say
I'm not okay.

all she wanted
was for him to hold her close
and demand to know what's wrong
so she could cry in his arms,
but when he finally did
she froze
and could not speak a word
except
I'm
*sorry

I grind my teeth,
this head ache never leaves,
I brush my teeth and the water runs a shocking red,
i bit into a banana today
and the bite marks were red,
my mouth keeps on bleeding
this pain is killing me
but I can't seem to stop
grinding my teeth

"You're a monster"
I hear it every day.
Every single time I give up.
When I lose courage.
When my strength withers.
When I fail and take a bite.
The sandwhich mocks me.
The fruit laughs in my face.
"oink oink" says the burger.
"Drink up"
taunts the milk
"don't want to choke on that big bite"
Eating makes me sad
and the sadness makes me eat.
om nom nom nom nom
goes the little pig-
goes me.
om nom nom nom nom
seems like I'll never stop
because I try to eat the carrots
and I try to eat the fruits
new and improved cookie monster
but the cookie monster
will always be the cookie monster.

he askin' why I ran out in the rain
can't tell him he made me feel this way again
that boy's goin' to vegas at the years end
I know he likes his thai massage with a happy end
I know if I say my soul all this will end
-- Boy you've got me turning
in circles
crazy like bipolar
red hot then an icy shoulder
lost my composure
walk home rainy night
total     exposure


I see the train coming
what if my shoes moved
I think my favorite-red-dress
would look best on the tracks

I see your past relationships
I'm gettin the scraps
you built an empire outa bricks
I got sticks
wolves come huffin' and puffin'
I let em' in for 120
you got the dough
my wallet empty
treasure the penny
livin off tips
just the tip
for an extra fifty
takeout thrifty
took a showa
I feel filthy

-- he askin' why I ran out in the rain
can't tell him he made me feel this way again
that boy's goin' to vegas at the years end
I know he likes his thai massage with a happy end
I know if I say my soul all this will end
-- Boy you've got me turning
in circles
crazy like bipolar
red hot then an icy shoulder
lost my composure
walk home rainy night
total     exposure

guess I'm looking for a little closure

too much left to interpretation
tryin to be patien
but it's got me down in the pits
these hairy pits itch
but if you need me
call me
what's the sitch
I'll be there on the fly
'cause you my only guy

in my head I'll be asking why--what who when where
but my vocal chords would never dare
afraid one word will end it all
I just want you to give me your all.

he askin' why I ran out in the rain
can't tell him he made me feel this way again
that boy's goin' to vegas at the years end
I know he likes his thai massage with a happy end


He can get whatever whenever
nervous of all the girls passin by
he got his arm around me can't see why
scared I can't match up to the pharo
feelin' like a popper in his maro
windows covered in steam
marry me
make me a queen-

-- Boy you've got me turning
in circles
crazy like bipolar
red hot then an icy shoulder
lost my composure
walk home rainy night
total     exposure

I see the train coming
what if my shoes moved
I think my favorite-red-dress
would look best on the tracks

I see the train coming
what if my shoes moved
I think my favorite-red-dress
would look best on the tracks

I see the train coming
see the train coming
see the train comin
what if my shoes moved
what if my shoes moved
my shoes moved
my favorited red dress
it looks best on the tracks

You taught me that everyone that wasn't a christian was going to hell.
You taught me that we were the prime example of a good christian family, even though I had bruises on my skin.
You taught me that girls should wear makeup and do their hair and wear pretty dresses, and are good for nothing except being a housewife,
you taught me that my talents should be used only enough to get money so I can live in a big house with kids and be a good wife.
You taught me that homosexuals should be strung up and gutted for being sick and diseased sinners.
You taught me that boys who don't dress like men are homosexual ***** nasty sinners.
You taught me that I wasn't good for anything
You told me that you wished you could raise me all over again, so maybe I wouldn't be such a disappointing sinner.
You told me I couldn't play with boy toys, because that's a sin,
You told me I could only wear girl colors.
You told me to only read books about good girls who do good things and not books on adventure and crime.
You told me I was ugly.
You told me I was fat.
You told me I could be somebody someday, but it wouldn't be so because I was ugly and fat and stupid and good for nothing, so I better stop dreaming.
You called me a liar when I said my father hit me.
Even when you pulled him off me as I breathed what would have been my last breath.
You didn't take me to the doctor when I laid in my room screaming in pain for an unknown reason,
You called me a ***** and a ****
and that my friends are disgusting.
You claimed I had no free will and that everything I did, was me just trying to be like all my nasty sinning homosexual friends.
You said all I did on the computer is watch ****. I was a kid.
You said my pains and sorrows and feelings and thoughts and ambitions were me just being dramatic.
You never called the police
or divorced him sooner,
you just got another job and left me alone with him all day.
You called me a liar no matter what I said.
You blamed me for your woes and your weight.
You prayed and begged and cried in front of me,
trying to understand where you went wrong and why I was such a sinner. I was a kid.
You didn't raise me.
When I twisted my ankle on a field trip, it was another parent who iced my ankle.
You didn't pick me up from the school play at 10pm,
I waited and waited- it was another parent who came back to check on me, and took me home.
When I woke up with ****** knuckles and ****** walls, you didn't care that I had been punching the walls in my sleep you didn't do anything to help.
I ran away from home three times and each it was my sister who came to get me, never you.
When I fell through a window and that piece of glass lay pointing at my heart, for I was too light to have my body push down through it, I wasn't relieved, I was disappointed. You didn't stitch me up, my brother is the one who cleaned my cuts and bandaged me up and down.
You didn't help me, it was my sister who taught me how to push our dresser in front of the door when he was on a drunken rampage with a baseball bat, so it would buy time for us to hop through the window and down the street.
It was my sister who held me when I fell of my bed and took the skin off my nose.
It was my brother who read me stories of a brilliant boy named Artemis Fowl who went on adventures.
It was my sister who screamed for him to stop when I played too loud and he smashed my head against the wall.
It was my sister who taught me how to cook and clean
and bought THE LABYRINTH so that I could fall in love with David Bowie and learn to be a girl who didn't need anyone to save her.  
It was my brother who lent me his clothes when he grew so I could get out of those nasty pink dresses with lace that covered every inch of me.
Every time I spoke you said I was a liar and that I should sit down and shut up.
You badgered me for being rude when I didn't speak in public or with family and when I do you laugh and shush me, letting the other people know that I like to exaggerate, I like attention.
and then you scream at me for being rude and that I should sit down and shut up sit down and shut up and that's what I did.

From birth, you said I shouldn't exist and that I was heartless and nothing and cold and dead inside. You blamed me for the world and you still do.

This all happened before I was 8 years old.

When you went to Italy last summer, you went without a word and left me with no food or money. It was another family that sheltered me. It was a man I've met only twice who has become my only father figure and texts me to make sure I'm okay and picks me up and feeds me and gives me a place to stay and helps me indulge in my interests and tries to heal me and treats me like his own daughter.

This is still all you do.
You expect flowers and a card
and chocolate
and the world at your feet
because you have given me the world
and raised me
and cared for me
and loved me.
But when I do the dishes for you as a favor, I can only think about whether the knife I'm cleaning will be plunged into your heart, or mine.

For the woman who tells me I look ugly on prom night, who calls my friends sinners and curses them  tells me I'm fat and nothing and punishes me for things I've never done and won't leave me alone in the doctor's office so that she can "Correct" everything I have to say so that I can't get anxiety or depression or anger medication or a thorough checkup on why my body hurts everyday. To the woman who cries and screams to this **** day that she doesn't understand why I'm a disgusting monster, how she doesn't understand how I turned into a freak. To the woman who openly despises every inch of me that tries so hard to be happy and love everyone and everything,
Happy mother's day.

Foot tapping anxiously against the ***** pavement,
Body curled into a tight ball
concealed behind a pillar.
Invisible to all,
save for one.

Circular surveillance camera,
your eye trained on me,
what do you see?
Do you see what I see,
looking up at my warped reflection?
I see nothing.
I see something invisible,
pointless,
afraid,
cold,
but the most striking thing about the reflection,
is just how empty it is.

There's nothing there,
the people pass by without a glance
and I give up.
Like light paper
I let the wind pass through me
and carry away the remains.
I allow myself to cease to exist,
because in reality, I never really did.

The hungry Hungry Hippo
has teeth that will crush your bones
a mouth so big
there's no escape
the hungry hungry hippo is on the prowl
skulking in the water
it gets bigger by the day
because the hungry hungry hippo
cannot satisfy the taste
grinding teeth down to shreds
it needs to eat
needs to fill up
bloodshot sticky eyes
drowning in its own drool
not enough in the water
it's coming onto land
the hungry hungry hippo
is on the hunt
and it's never gonna stop.

I'm just a gold fish,
swimming round and round,
I could be ten times bigger
but this bowl is much too small,

I've got some gravel,
and a little fish castle,
I get fed three times a day
and swim like I'm dead as play,

Round and round
for the rest of my life,
getting funny looks from people
through the ***** glass
that's distorted to make
my body look deformed and heinous,

so round and round I go,
not much to do,
no place to be,
trapped in this little lonely hell,
this little empty hole,
this little glass bowl.

Like hot wax
I melt
hoping to fall to your lips
and burn them a heavy red.

Like a box cutter
I use my nails and make scars on your wrists
and my tongue laps the blood that pours.

Like a syringe
I feed into you
and currate the disease.

Like a cigarette
I beg you to breath me in
even if it kills you.

Like alcohol
I want you to drink me
until you lose control.

Like ***
I want you to crave me
and scream your arousal.

Like an addiction
I want you to need me
every hour
of every day.

Lurking in the shadows:
Nothing.
Sneaking about the night:
Nothing.
Watching from the sky:
Nothing
Blending in with you and i:
Nothing.
Some would say it sick,
to be in this state of mind.
How can one not be?
Reality hurts,
whether it be happy or sad,
it rips at my heart.
I'm a bit lost,
I'm a bit crazy,
A girl stuck in a fantasy world,
waiting for a fantasy man.
Perhaps it is you who are crazy,
Reality is too real,
I refuse to believe that this is all there is,
I will never give up hope,
lock me up and judge me,
I'm not going to accept this,
accept that what we see is as simple as it appears,
I'm not going to stop,
Stop while this life has so little to offer.
Then again,
it has plenty.
Plenty of life and opportunities to keep happy;
for those who are lucky,
for those who can afford it.
For those of us that are stuck,
struggling for breath,
striving for survival,
Begging on our hands and knees for a chance.
The teachers,
Didactic,
such motives and lies as they preach but judge.
It seems those who have accepted their fate do not understand,
A girl trapped in a fantasy world,
waiting for a fantasy man,
a fantasy life,
But you see,
things get a bit muddled.
When your body is stuck
and your mind and soul are elsewhere.
While your skeleton is hurting,
working,
sacrificing,
you're not really there.
You're where you'd like to be,
where you ought to be.
Where you have a purpose,
and I say,
it's a **** GOOD PURPOSE.
You can find a million reasons to live,
A thousand reasons to smile,
A hundred reasons to laugh,
A few reasons to keep going,
but there's always ONE.
One part of you that will look to the stars,
searching.
waiting.
hoping.
praying.
begging.
faithful.
Always.

Deep in the wonder under,
another strikes rigid.
Fearless hands wander,
waving with an aimless purpose,
exploring the damp walls
which line a clouded tunnel
so many of us experience...

Exploring,
as we so often do,
in our darkest days and
perhaps dare to taste
the salted streams which
casually drown us in our insecurities,
not so disimilar to the sweaty breeze
that travels to wrap us in atrocities
laced with bleeding fantasies...

Deeper and deeper,
seemingly eternal,
straining for the warm caress of sunlight...
yet helpless
and silent
as the dire tragedy
of life settles to the earth.

Devil is a classic man
seducing in all wants
rhythmic shoulders
in a trance
Devil is a classic man
a stand up man
take home to mama man
Devil aint so bad
God said sit down
Devil took my hand
said dance
and oh baby, did I move my feet!

Too happy to think,
Too happy to speak
Overwhelming nostalgia
Brought on by nothing.
A smile for the future,
A laugh for what is yet to come
Pale beauty in sunlight
To never give up on the fight
They say everything is pure luck
Sarcastic comments as I trudge through muck
Talentless but an expert,
Broke but happy.
Alone but crowded
Abandoned bu supported
I am forgotten,
Yet I will never die.
Work for what I need,
Pay for what I want,
Life is a game,
Where nobody wins,
Some are simply luckier,
Until the end…
When we give our life
In exchange for our given time with the living.

I'm done.
It's as simple as that.
I'm done with living,
I'm done with breathing.

life is a little infinity,
We have such a short time to live,
But that short time seems to never end.

When will the curse of longevity be lifted?
when will the turmoil end?
Is this a punishment?
we do not deserve this.

why?
why, with such a long life
do we also receive
such ignorance,
such cruelty,
such power?

We who are so easily damaged...
we, so selfish, so confident,
what gives us the right to live so long?

Do they know why I cry
do they know
do they know I eat and eat
and purge and purge
Do they know
why I dare not speak his name
Do they know  why I'm scared
Do they know why I beat myself
Do they know why I let myself be beat
Do they know what happened when I small
Do they know what made me into this.

Do they know
Do they know a thing
anything
one thing
something
Do they know a clue
to complete my puzzle.

no, they don't,
they don't know.

the theatre has fallen,
the great black box is no longer a home away from hell
it is a soundscape of fear and hunger
where I can't feel accepted
and no longer respected
it is a nest of inferiority
and a longing for conformity
lonliness eats my heart away
though exactly why, I cannot say.
It used to be my home
my kingdom,
but on return from summer
it was as if the house had been renovated,
a new family moved in
and I'm not even a guest,
I'm a ghost, unseen by all
drifting through walls that used to be
stuck in the past
desperate to breath with the living.
But instead I stay in back,
haunting all I see,
under the realization,
that the only one being haunted,
is me.

no
no
go away
you've caught me at a bad time
no
no
not right now
I'm busy
so busy
my head is spinning
I can't hang out today
I'm busy breaking mirrors
I can't party all night long
I have to stain my bed with tears
I'd love to see a movie
But I'd rather see scars on skin
I could celebrate with you
but I'm choking on candy confetti
Why scream at a concert
when I can scream
my own self loathing and frustration
till my throat is raw
no
no
go away
I can't come out to play
I'm busy
so busy
dying and dying
and dying

Cyrious.
                        My own Spelling.
Polly Wogs and Knick Knacks.
Goldfish and Brac-A-Brac
            I remember you. I’d love for you.
If it makes any sense
            My Thoughts Where Have They Gone?
Tell you know I’D.
It’s just a bridge, there is nothing here.
            The perfect is the biggest imperfection.


I MISS THE OLD DAYS,
            Times of pure nostalgia

It was Laughing and play all day
            Till we left and went our own ways.

You remember it
            I tell you, I miss it too
The fun times,
            When everything seemed okay everything was right.
Always tell, we put each other up in a fight.

            I can remember when there were many
                        AND.
We had our loved ones close by.
            Carpool and late night swims
Neighbors knocking at our door
            Making too much noise stomping on the floor

            But now, It’s gone, It’s all too quiet.
Neighbors, they wonder, if I’m even here.
            I question, what ever happened.
Life. No matter.
            If we’re standing still.
It will go on,

            Without us here
Little impact makes it clear.
            If there’s a point
Please take me to it.
                        I disappear as the last match is lit. .

Silver Bands on your finger
            Are we the same in one?
Perhaps it is no one à perhaps everything is undone.
                        The thoughts the Thoughts.
They swarm in our minds.
            Are they confusing?

Listen to them all at once.
            They say Practice Makes perfect,
But no one is perfect, so there is no need to Practice.
            Pretty Girls and Silent Boys, they all cry.
The good, the bad, the inanimate, they all die.

            We like to think we all have our part.
That when we die there is a torn up heart.
                        But that’s not true.
There is nothing to lose.
                      
            For no matter how hard we try.
Un-Important and Fleeting is our story,
And there is nothing we can do.

I'll never have the style of J.K's **** chic
Nor the grace, sass, and presence of the black she-goddess.
The blondes and skinnies and populars and poors
will never look at me with desire.
no,
I'll never be like them.
I can run and follow,
but when the swans glide across the water
I will drown.
I can chase them
squealing for approval
but when they take flight
I'll be left behind.

I'll never be beautiful,
wanted,
rich,
fabulous,
admired,
be the object of another's jealousy.
No I''ll never be them
I'll never have that life.

I'm an ugly pink pig,
but just as an ugly pink pig,
there's nothing I can do about it.
So **** it all
I'm an ugly pink Pig,
I'll grow tusks
be a nasty slobbering Boar
I'm ugly I know it
and it's time to stop crying
time to stop feeling miserable.
I'm ugly and you're gonna know it
won't be able to avoid it
I'll shove my crooked nose in your face
your eyes will play connect-the-dots with my acne
My endomorphic fat will make you glad you're not me
My scraggly hair will give you relief over your haircut
my much too big head is gonna leave you admiring
your fine-sized head in the mirror.

Go to the city friend,
go and live and be glorious,
should you need me
I'll be in the farm
hidden in the swamp
slobbering and snarling
with the company of bugs.
and there,
my friend,
my swan,
my hero,
my goddess,
there, I shall be happy.

Sick, Sick,
Sick and Twisted
syringe make me uplifted.
Bone, Bone
and a layer of skin-
Lord I wish I was that thin.
Hair.
Shedding.
Stare,
Beheading,
Cynical insults
ignorant little ******
fighting each other with sticks
throw more stones
take out more loans
shout profanity
with such tremendous calamity
watch me care
about everyone else but you
Bake your lack of heart in a regurgitated stew.
My judgement is gone,
but not for long.
My heart beats fast,
An effect that doesn't last
Syringe Syringe
I disappear bit-by-bit
Syringe Syringe
I'm sick and twisted
Syringe Syringe
I want it, I need it
Syringe Syringe
I'm gone, I'm gone.

Bogged down
by envy
of girls
***** dancing
with drink in hand
those kids
who go to parties
so much confidence
and careless zest
dancing the night away
even the most unexpected people
get a kiss
get to experience a form of togetherness
reminiscent of a cliche teenage movie
and no matter how much
I'd like to go
to see what it's like
show a different side of myself
I know deep down
I don't belong there.

chikity chikity
like train carts
along an old railway
chikity chikity
chuck-chuck-chuck-chuck-chuck
rattle me
like a cage
made of bones
from your old friends
chuckity chickity
shaking shivering
like a ******
on the verge
of losing
the only thing
she was told she is worth
in God's eyes
chickity chickity flick
flicking along
along the tracks
with you steaming the engine
coal in the fire
burning brighter
chickity chickity chick
chuck-chuck-chuck-chuck-chuck
down tracks you've been before
and will go down again
again rattling me to the core
chickity chickity chick
chuck-chuck-chuckity-chuck
because      you       can.

I have not a voice
to properly enunciate
the fears and terror I experience
on a daily basis,
nor hands stable enough
to sign the loneliness
that wastes me.

I live to make others happy,
all the time,
every day,
until my selfish needs boil up inside
and I scream out
"WHY?!"
"WHY CAN'T I HAVE WHAT I WANT?"
I pray,
tell you daily,
I want oh so little,
so tell me
why,
why can't I have what I want?
What I want makes me happy,
makes me smile so big,
Makes me forget everything that hurts,
but tell me why,
why can't I have it?
Every class is canceled,
all my friends are stolen,
I can handle it but tell me lord
why can't I be happy?
Why,
who's so broken
and twisted,
why when this broken rag
finally falls
for a gentleman,
a man who is not stick thin on *******,
striped up and down with tattoos
nose itchy from addiction
and a back hand
that leaves black and purple
to compliment my pale skin
tell me lord why is it all taken?
Why can't I have it?
Why can't I have just one thing?
I feel ashamed for wanting,
I feel ashamed for caring,
but lord sometimes
I give everything I have to others
I live to see others smile
but lord when do I get to smile?
Lord when do I get to look in the mirror
and smile proud
and love all that I see?
lord tell my why,
why can't I have it,
Why can't I be selfish,
just for a day,
I want to be happy.

Miss Wilde
Miss Wilde
he says with a smile
Miss Wilde
Miss Wilde
  he shakes his silly head

I cook a grand meal
but not without leaving behind a mess
  Classic Miss Wilde
he says
  Classic Indeed!

I'm ***** and clumsy
efficient but messy
I mix up my words
pronounce things funny
I sit on the floor
in funny positions
I'm kind but sarcastic
innocent but *****
knocking things over
tripping over flat surfaces
stealing the blankets
sleeping in strange positions
these things he calls quirky
these things he says are part of me
these things make me scared
one day he'll say
Oh Miss Wilde
        Miss Wilde
        I've known you awhile
        But you're just a child
        Miss Wilde
        You had me beguiled
         But your personality is really quite mild
         Miss Wilde
         Your antics have got me all riled
         You're wild Miss Wilde
         and I'm absolutely reviled
         so go on your way
         get out get out
         to the sandbox and play
         because you're just a child
         My dear young Miss Wilde

I always wondered,,,
if I could, play you a tune
and sing blue moon,
would you listen??

If my hair were a little longer
and it flowed just like hers
If my skin were only clearer
would you take photos of me,
so you can see me when I'm gone?

If I were only braver
and grabbed onto the rocks
you would see a lioness queen
hunting for your heart
If I told you what I wanted
we'd be dancing in our socks
on a rainy day we'd risk our lives
crossing the river path
I think if only I were only braver
I could climb to your height
I think if I only were only better
I'd be able to send the letter
that I wrote you for your birthday
still sitting in my desk drawer

I think if I were braver
I'd take what I want
I think if I had courage
I'd face the monsters
If I really cared about myself
I'd tell you no more
I'd tell you  you have twisted me
and made me cry
I'm not gonna keep asking why
for I think if I were more
I would leave you behind

I play it over in my head
Afraid to forget a second of it
Every word
Every laugh
Every view
The way you touched me
The way you reassured me
The way your honest eyes demanded truth
How you turned me
Molded me
Hands on my face
Down my chest
Squeezing my hourglass
And commanding my hips back and forth
I’ll keep my eyes closed
Hearing your voice on repeat
Listening to this song again
in bed
clinging to every second
you made me feel alive

My eyes burn as I read these sweet words,
these sweet lies.
Where is the harsh melody of reality?
We are taught to pretend since birth
then when things get too real
we get scared
and lie to ourselves and others
to give the illusion that everything is okay
that we're still full of hope
that we have something to live for
and that in the end we'll al be happy.
When will we sing songs of pain?
sons of trials and hardships?
Why do we learn to lie
when we can become strong,
intelligent,
poweful,
innovative,
working to change the world so we
do not have to lie.
But instead we are taught to be scared.
Taught taht we cannot do this alone
and that dreams are nothing more than that.
We were created for amazing,
unthinkable things,
but taught so we may be easily controlled.

Sometimes I like to think about these things,
about what it would be like if we didn't lie
and operated at full potential,
but then I get scared,
scared of the horrid realization
of just how wretched we all are.
I do not like what I see,
So I lie.
Instead of changing things,
I protect myself,
Run like a dog with its tail between its legs.
I pretend that we are good and clever.
I act like I still have hope
and that when I die, I will feel fulfilled.
When I don't know what to say,
do,
or think,
when i feel scared,
When everything seems lost,
I do what everyone does...
        
          I lie.

I like to wear
the bare minimum
and sit out
in the pouring rain.
I let it wash over me
until my peppered shivers
are convulsions.
I lay back
and swallow
the fresh drops,
letting it rejuvenate me,
hoping I will melt in
with the rain
and wash over the earth
into the dirt and roots
spreading
feeding
nourishing,
doing some good,
finally of use.

The fruit flies come in a flash,
the fruit flies multiply in an instant,
the fruit flies buzz and bizz
making their business
all that is rotten.

If your ship does not come,
swim to it.
If you find there is no wind,
pull it with your teeth.
If your captain does not know the way,
then steer it with your gut.
Should no crew wish to accompany you,
get a smaller boat.
Do not let hunger or fierce waves or storms hinder you,
think of them as if nature's most powerful forces
are congratulating you on your way.
Do not fear the sinking of your ship,
for as long as you do not doubt,
your ship will keep on sailing.

Take me to the city, boy.
Take my hand and drag me along
with nothing but the clothes on my back-
I'm sure we'll be okay.

Take me away to where the lights are pretty
and the noise muffles our voices
and we can swim with the crowds.

Take me where anything is possible,
to where the money and fame
and stress and hectic are.

Take me away to the city, boy.
Take me away from the small town
too far from anything.

Take me from the normal,
from reality.

Take me to the city,
where we can be who we want
and they can't tell us no.

Take me to the city, boy.
we won't have to sleep
and we can keep smiling
and loving
and dreaming
so long as the lights stay on.

Take me to the city, boy.
it's all I've ever wanted.

I wonder if she knows,
that when she speaks
with a voice
low and smooth,
I become ashamed of my own.

I wonder if she knows
I watch her sometimes
and envy each breath.
I admire everything about her...
her poetry is simple but stunning
her laugh infectious
her smile is kind
and her eyes are bright.

I heard about her,
years before,
and had a picture in my mind.
I know her now
and the picture has not changed
if only to make it better.

I envy her confidence
I admire her every movement.
If she were famous I'd own all her movies
and do what I do now,
watch and learn
and try to be as great as she.
Her talent is unwasted
as all who know her love her.
How is it she's so grand?

The boys, they look,
they see,
they know she is the most beautiful girl in the room
they know they want her
they know,
as I know,
that she's worth it.
that she deserves it.
that she should be happy.

I wonder if she knows,
this poem is about her.
I wonder if she knows
I wish I could be even an inch similar to her.
It's not cruel envy and jealousy I hold for her,
but complete admiration for the way she carries herself.
She speaks her mind
and shows emotion
clever and funny,
she walks with regality
and is oh so gorgeous.

How is it she seems so perfect?
So poised and gentle and witty-
in not the most poetic terms
I basically think she's really cool,
and wish I could carry myself
in the profound,
glamourous,
respectable,
admirable way in which she does.

How is it she'd ever care to be my friend?
Oh the way she walks,
the way she speaks,
the way the other girls envy
the way the boys look
the way the teachers admire,
she's unafraid to announce her sorrows and fears,
she enters a room with a fierce glamour
and makes her presence known,
as, for her, it should be.

Oh, she is glorious.

and I admire her so.

I'll leave a candle lit for you,
I'll crack a window,
if you want,
so you can find your way in,

I'll leave a candle lit for you,
to light your way,
let you know I still burn for you,

I'll leave a candle lit for you,
so long as you promise not to knock it down,
promise not to set flame to what I have built.

I'll leave a candle lit for you,
always.

Icy breeze
whipping through
my freshly curled hair,
goose bump covered arms
holding on to creaking chains
as I swing,
with her,
under the night sky
salted with stars
and bright planets
and oh look,
over there is the Little Dipper

My yard is a forrest
Covered in mossy trees
There’s a ditch with muddy water
And a cracked up pavement road
The grass is long and unkempt
And weeds climb the fence.
Loose flowers hang
From drooping bushes.
A sigh can echo
Down the street
Into the forrest
And it’ll be answered by the creak of the wood.

My surroundings are grey
Fifty shades of sorrow
One hundred pounds of gloom
The leaves are changing color
And falling to the earth
Leaving bare bark bones
To spread like fingers to the sky.

All except one
At the corner of the property
The prime of the street
And crown of the yard,
It’s noticably smaller
Than all the others
But stands tall and delicate
Against the rainy winds.
The fog gathers
Hanging over it
Doing it’s best
But it will not succeed
To mist its summer color.

The leaves are a fire red
You can see it from within the forrest,
Not a single leaf has yet to drop
And they shudder and rustle
In a symphony of summer blaze,
It overwhelmes
And enchants the eye
Not letting it’s luminescent color
Fade with the world,
Staying bold through the snow
And skinny branches tough through storms.

A small and loud tree
Stands at the corner of the yard,
It is the jewel of the neighborhood,
A torch for courage
And sticking it through,

The weather cannot weather fire
It cannot douse the flames,
The tree will stay crimson
For 365 days.

she forgot to write a poem that day,
and the day next
and the day next,
she forgot to write a poem that week,
and the week next
and the week next,
she forgot to write a poem that month,
and soon forgot that she had forgotten to write a poem,
she forgot all about words that rhymed
and titles
and tags
she forgot to write poems,
because she forgot to be sad.

I love you dearly,
please forgive me,
I do not mean to hurt you,

I love you dearly,
Please forgive me,
but this disease is raging strong.

I love you dearly,
Please forgive me
I fear I may be empty inside,

I love you dearly,
Please forgive me,
You deserve so much better...

I love you dearly,
Please forgive me,
I'm nothing but a monster,

I love you dearly...

Please forgive me...

This is all my fault...

I love you dearly...

please...
please forgive me.

discard me, darling.
I'm water-damaged,
torn
and not worth much.

Melodramatic beat,
A dark pulse,
Bouncing inside me,
Throbbing,
Quite old in origin but timeless.
Throwing myself into a trance,
“believing the strangest things”
up at the sky,
longing,
dismissive.
A distant forrest beat
Pulling the flow of blood
Every which way,
Close my eyes and feel it travel through my body.
Feel it slow with the melody,
Feel my soul fly
As the distant,
Grandulated voice calls out for it.
The voice of a fallen Angel,
Music to my ears,
Poison to my mind.
“Come closer” he calls
“Love me” he whispers.
Obey,
An Alien.
How can I not?
The trance lets me forget everything else,
So off I go,
One foot in front of the other,
Letting the music push me off a cliff.
Into an expanse I fall,
Eyes closed and faint smile painted on my porcelain face.
Porcelain.
Like china I shatter,
But not before the music ends,
The beat breaks free
Just long enough for my eyes to open
And realize the consequence,
But it is without regret.

I've read adventures
heard tall tales
I've smelt the wind
at the top of mountains
I have glimpsed treasures
and jewels of glory
I have chased
the ancient fantasy,
for since I was a child,
I have dreamed of dragons,
I have dreamed,
of you.