"Stop."
she says as I put the blade to my wrist
but I cannot stop

"Stop."*
she says as I sink my teeth into my thumb again
but I cannot stop

the pain is addicting
but what do you do when it becomes a drug?

I want you
All of you
Not just one little smile or the moment of brief eye contact we share

I want your fingers all over me
Memorizing each detail, each scar, each vein that travels through my body
Tell me I'm beautiful although I protest and say I'm not

I want your fire that burns into your eyes
That sly grin that's saved for me that always gives me butterflies
I want your eyes savoring every little bit of me

My lust for you drives me wild, although I can hide it behind a shy smile and girlish giggles
Although I'd love for that fire to consume you and take me
I also want little kisses on the cheek or forehead

Although I want to have you in bed so bad, my love for you isn't limited to ***
I want to know you, to know every little secret your body and mind holds
I want to lie with you in my arms and just count the reasons of why I fell for you

I want all of you

when I first met him
I was not fragile
I was a lion, brave and proud
yet, I was a lamb
innocent and docile
searching for love in the wrong places

he turned the lion in me into a coward
the lamb was slaughtered
the only thing left was a tiny soul
shattered and broken, scared of loving ever again
hiding and shivering in the abyss

then you came along
a light in the darkness
you reached out a gentle hand
shaking with uncertainty, I took it
you led me out of the dark, filled my empty shell with love
I am not a lion, nor a lamb
with you, I am a fawn
shy and uncertain

there's a wolf inside you, dear
neither violent nor vicious
your teeth are sharp, but they do not ****
you protect me
and you make this fragile soul feel a little less vulnerable

Fire
raging inside
a demon waiting to arise
a succubus lying in the shadows
gasping, begging for release
your name tingling on my tongue
my mouth dry from crying out
it's out of control and I love it
my chest rising and falling
as a symphony of gasps and moans fill the air
my body shining with sweat as you push me
over the edge again and again
at the end of the day
it's my name you're whispering
my throat too sore to say anything
press your palm to my chest
feel my heart beat out of control
for you

my thunderstorm
you light up the dark sky with your fire
your electricity
the same spark that hit my heart
your voice is loud for everyone to hear
if I am the river, you are the rain that overflows my banks
the same rain that fills my heart with love
the same rain I long to stand and soak myself in
if I am your river goddess, you are my thunderstorm

Do you really love me like you say you do?
Do you really want to stay forever?
So many questions, but only a few I may ask
Just to make sure, I want this to last

Must I keep comparing you to him?
Must I live in constant fear worrying that you'll leave too?
I'm sorry if this annoys you, I just want you to see
I'm scared you'll let go, and I'll lose another part of me

You like the pain
It keeps you alive, doesn't it
But you've always wondered why

Maybe it all started when you were a little girl
Beaten and whipped by the man you wished your mother never married
You thought he loved you and was just scolding you for your mistakes
It wasn't until your mother filed papers for child abuse against him when you realized what happened

Back then you were scared and confused
Still a little girl

Maybe it started when you were forced against that wall
Taken against your will and losing your innocence
Although your mental innocence had been lost long before
But then you realized what that man did was bad, although you kept quiet about it

Back then you less scared but more confused
Not a little girl anymore

Maybe it was when you had your heart broken for the first time
The pain in your chest was so tight it felt like someone reached inside you and grabbed your organs and just squeezed
You cried so much until your tear ducts ran dry
But then you realized that you were scared of the pain, so you did everything to please someone just so they wouldn't hurt you

Back then you were terrified but no longer confused
Slowly growing up

Maybe it was when you first put the blade to your wrists
Watched the blood drip down your pale skin and just smiled through it
You didn't cry, you were silent about it
But then you realized you enjoyed this pain, and continued to do it until your wrists were covered in ugly scars

Now you're feeling emotionless, a stone statue on the outside
But you're still a scared little ******* the inside

And it's true
I'm ******* terrified

Anger
jealousy
two things that take up the most room in my mind
overpowering any other emotion
who else is looking at you?
who else are you talking to?
who else
why do you give that person more attention
when I'm right here trying to keep my cool
it's a fire I cannot control
I'm sorry I am easily angered, easily jealous
because someone somewhere has something that I don't
someone somewhere gets to see you, hold you, touch you
and I don't
who else is receiving your attention when it should be me?
who else are you saying affectionate things to besides me?
it's not something I'm proud of
ugly thoughts that fill my mind
because you are mine
but you're not

and it makes me
angry
jealous
**a fool