i wake up sweating
i dreamt about some abstract concept i can't remember
the blaring of my alarm tone startles my sub-conscience

do i have to get up ?

the white lights are blinding even behind my eyelids
god, it ******* hurts.
i already feel the many gazes watching me from-- wherever
exposed.

the padding around me has no meaning
like a bird in a cage i am just decoration
hell-- one day i might start singing
humming mindlessly what they expect of me
another song, another, another.

i'm here for a cure for wellness.
they try to poison me with their words and their lies
they try to break my mind
my body
they try to break me.

and soon,
iwillbreak

today i woke up to a spirit.
i opened my eyes to nothingness, but i could feel the warmth radiating off of the dip in the bed.
at first i was dumbfounded
where were you? could you be the spirit?
and so i fell in l-o-v-e with it.

       wherever i go the spirit follows.
i feel it hold my hand
i feel it massage my shoulders
i feel its l-o-v-e giving me subtle back hugs through my days

       the day you left i fell in l-o-v-e with a spirit.
the embodiment of your memory
the sweetness of its silence

       and if the spirit leaves me, too?
at least i'll be prepared for the emptiness

a legend.
i was nothing but a legend
i am a window tinted with uncertainties,
a bedtime story falling unto deaf ears,
the invisible ink that dried up a week after your ninth birthday

a ghost hidden under blunt-cut bangs,
i left the day it was decided i wasn't enough because
i left a bad taste in your mouth

rainbows are just an illusion and
no one believes in fairy tales
-- No one speaks to the dead.

and so,
the rooms go overturned,
the ceramic shatters against the floor,
the fable coming to a disastrous ******

there YOU stand
in the eye of the storm
in the belly of the beast
you. see. ghosts.

-- Suddenly, I draw in my first true breath in years.

your heart
breaks different
when it beats
alone