i threw my head back in pleasure
his cold hands inside me felt invasive
I let out wanton sounds and moans
i thought of how ashamed i was

please, c'mon, let's do it

giggled no's and teasing pushes
panic filled me and flowed through my veins like pitch
no, i think, please god no

we get high and kiss on your couch
i think i’ve seen this film before
mouth pressed to mouth

it’s the same story
every boy i’ve fallen for
just wanted me for ****
every one i thought i loved
just wanted me temporarily

i’m falling for you
i whisper as you fall asleep
the words come out thickly
the taste bittersweet

i call you when i’m lonely or think about him
i’m wrapped in your arms and it’s 3am
but i can’t do this anymore, i can’t do it again

i don’t think i like this game, the stakes have become too high
i’m in freefall and you’re just watching with uncaring eyes
so i’ll give it a month before you make me cry

i think about the girls who come to your show
they’ll get in your car, and you’ll take them home
because you don’t really need me, not at all
i’m just your pocket *****, your friend, your living willing doll  

friends with benefits doesn’t exist
it’s friends or lovers
or someone using another

so you don’t want a relationship
but thats all i want
but i guess i’m satisfied being your placebo girlfriend, your glorified ****

you were hades
and i was persephone
and you offered me pomegranate seeds
in forms of flattery
and drugs
and promises
and, euphoria
i reveled in the hedonism that accompanied your underworld
but i was still a prisoner.

like bubble gum,
the sugar was gone
far too soon
and when the flavor left
you did too.
spit me out
tired and bored
you pursue other candy.

you would wound me
and inflict cuts so deep
i didn’t know if they’d ever heal
your words, lacerating.
but you would transfer heat through meetings of our mouths
and exchange sweat and flames
in return for skin on skin.
and you would start fires
that sparked from my fevered anger
and, lust.
but your attempt to cauterize my wounds didn’t work
because they became infected,
and i let you go.

the last time i allowed myself
to cry over you,
to hurt because of you,
was when things ended,
when the cuts were fresh
and the blood hadn’t clotted
that’s it.
you can’t rub salt in a scab.
my wounds have healed.
you didn’t leave me broken,
you left me numb
which is just as dangerous.
stop dredging up the past
digging up graves at 2 am
you and your friends,
the tomb raiders.
there’s nothing there
but scattered remains
and dust.
i hope you know,
that april 5, 1 am
was the last time i gave a ****.