When you lie awake
With glass beneath your feet
One step away from breaking
Wondering if you should take it
Or cower into your skin
Frozen
Waiting for the world to end
Since your world had already--
When you lie awake
You don't wait for daybreak.
You wait until it's safe enough
In your mind
To get up and pretend to be tough
Because it takes time.
And if you take time,
But not near enough,
There's no point to give yourself any at all--
There's no point to hesitate at all
When walking on glass
Over an abyss
That will surely steal your heart away
That will surely, finally end the day--
And if it ends for me
Don’t save me.
For, one is enough--
Don’t give death gifts, because death is greedy.
Death presents its victims with a choice of suicide
Then claims it took no part in an assist.
Maybe there's no point,
Or maybe there's only one way to prove my own innocence--
Even if death isn't proven guilty along with it.
But maybe the only way to prove my heart belongs to a better being than the one it was presented with,
Is to stop being.
This glass will break on its own eventually.
Why wait for the inevitable,
When you can finally combine your heart with your soul?
Why wait,
When the last thing you could do in life
Is take control?

Music, it seems,
Is the only thing

Able to heal
The way I feel.

I'm unafraid
To leave this place.

For, smiles
Are like dials.

All it takes
Is one mistake

To spin a smile down,
And bleed into a frown.

For, I’m so tired of bleeding—
Tired of smiles fleeting.

So, I guess,
Before today proves another mess,

I’ll close my eyes,
Keeping my mind tied,

Until I wake—

If I ever wake.

I have never been good at talking.
I spend my words frugally,
As if they are limited—
As if they conform to some currency—
To hide behind the dam that holds back
The river waiting to burst through my mind
Out into my eyes.
But I hold back.
It seems that no matter where I hide my heart
Someone ends up finding it—
Pointing a finger
To assign guilt,
And don't get me wrong,
For, I am guilty.
But I hold back.
Waiting—
Waiting for my time alone
To let my dam unfold,
To let the scars free
From my soul.
Not many understand
What it feels to genuinely hate
Your own being
In the essence of your stone cold
Broken heart—
But even still, I bottle up,
And hold back
Wishing away the hope of another “fresh start.”
Even as still,
However, as I sit waiting—
The dam doesn't break apart;
It just sits and waits—
Waits to hit me hardest
When I can't take the punches,
When I lose my balance,
When there is none other than one escape—
If you could even call death an escape.

You are the reason why
I lie awake at night.
You're the reason why
I stare at a plate
Knowing I shouldn’t have taken so much—
Knowing half if not more will go to waste.
You are the reason why I'd rather watch movies
Or play videogames
Than do homework or practice piano
So that I show up to school empty-handed—
So that I show up to lesson and have to learn a piece there unpracticed.
I'm so tired of you
You have ruined my life.
No one would miss you, would they?
If you misteriously dissapeared—
If I slit your thoughts out of your head,
And stabbed your future to death.
I can’t wait until I get the courage—
Can’t wait to feel your last breath leave your chest
Because im tired of living with you.
I'll bet you figured it out, havent you?
That you are the one to which I write,
But you haven't figured it out.
You think you'll claim this note as your own—
Let it sit upon your bookshelf,
When, in fact, the “you” to which I write
Is none other than myself.

You are my angel,
My hope.
For, you pulled a sword from my soul,
And used it to rid me of danger.
You walked with me,
Held me high.
Helped disperse the pain,
The sadness,
The tempting thoughts in my mind.
But you were not done with me yet.
It became clear to me there was no danger.
That you rid me of “danger” so that you could leave me with nobody—
With nothing.
You weren't walking with me.
You were dragging me along.
Waiting for the opportune moment to find a better man,
Take away my life, my hope,
My angel.
And you were my angel.
For, you pulled a sword from my soul.
But all you did was insert it back where you found it,
Left no trace as if you never existed,
And expect me to be whole.
While in reality, you left me nothing but empty, confused,
Alone.

I'm standing on the edge
With my head reminding myself how I got here—
That I've come too far to turn back
And my heart reminding myself how I got here—
That I can't give up now
My feet tremble indecisively
So my knees bend to hold my center of balance.
My hands evelope my neck
While my arms pull back just enough to prevent asphyxiation.
For, im trapped in this form of indecision,
So I put my indecisions to better use
And stand on a chair
With my indecisive feet
Trying to make sense of my existance and then inexistance
In between that manner of split seconds.
My indecisive knees deciding whether or not to let my feet push.
My indecisive arms making sense about to or not to spare my life
Another second or two
Afterwhich my feet no longer planted remain
For gravity only acts upon my neck
While my hands choke the neck that burns against mine
Hoping that perhaps the rope will give up before I do
Immediately I regret the decision
Or maybe I'm just preserving this suffering as long as possible
Since that which once felt can never again be thereafter
For, nothing there is after the soul removes itself except a corpse
For, the decision has been made.
There is no turning back.
There is only a push, struggle, and death.
Nothing more than that which was imagined beforehand—
Nothing less.

I have a feeling
One that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing before
A feeling with a sudden urge to
Swell skin into red knots
Growing tighter and spreading
Sewing across the canyons
Like a river
Binding to my skin like roots
Filling the valley with its
Nerves traveling up hatching in the brain
Giving a reaction to each flood that formed so fast.
I have a feeling of the past
The sudden urge to scream out,
But that urge can be relieved
Through taking a tack
Or a pin
And popping or dragging along
To move pressure from your head
Out through canyons
That fill up with rivers
Dripping
From the crevice.
Somehow,
They always seal back up
Leaving no clues that they were there before
For I have a feeling
I used to know well
A fear of valleys reaching too deep
Pulling at an aquafer
Pouring the waterways from my heart strings
To the point where id have no water left
Laying there afraid to call for help.
Lifeless,
Except for the remaining rivers
Whose motion
Never seems to stop.

And it stared at me again
Dead in the eyes
But I avoided its gaze reluctantly
Once again
Hoping maybe I could avoid
Its tempting hand
Hoping maybe I could escape
Its eternal grasp
When hoping for these things
Only seemed to prove my ignorance—
My naïvety.

She sits on her bed
Watching the sound of the cars go by
Through the window
As she stares at the moonlight
With her eyes shut
Wondering if she shines with them
Or has flickered out
“nobody will love me"
She says to herself
It's common sense
No one will love you if you don’t shine
You're just a dulled out star
Waiting for another to sacrifice its light to luminate yours
She wears a mask hoping someone will not just fall for it–the lie—
But fall in love as well
And she will fake it as long as she can
But she doesn’t understand
Not everyone is born with luminescense
Most are stranded, alone, broken, wasted
She doesn’t understand
Two broken halves can make a whole again
Two dim lights can shine together brighter than any star in the sky
But she keeps wearing her mask
Giving everyone what they want
While she always falls short of getting what she needs
Maybe she isn't meant to be bright
Maybe she's meant to light up everyone else
But every night
When she reads her skin in the mirror
After washing away her mask
The reflection scares even her
Because not even she recognizes herself anymore
She's afraid to provide someone the definition of love
Because not even she can stand to see herself
So she sits instead
And rewrites her skin with a pen
And lays patiently wasted away in her bed
Feeling like the moon:
Only reflecting light instead of providing her own
And she knows
Just like moonlight
Nobody will truly appreciate her reflection of light
Until it wanes, fades
And is no more than darkness
Only then will they wish for the light to return
Only then will they understand
That to have light is a gift not all believe they have
And sometimes
If light is not cared for
The wind will blow it out
And leave smoke to settle in the lungs of those closest
Until the embers deeply inhale their last breath
Until ashes are all that remain.

And then I thought
If only for a moment
Your voice inside my head
Would find another to torment
After you said that we will never try again
But oh how wrong I was
If anything your voice became more profound
And I don’t know how I can rid
You out of my crinkled mind
That begins to form a paper ball
Of words that I write down
But never seem to get right
I've got trashcans full
Miles upon miles
Of words about you
Words you'll never see
Or care to see
Not like I'd let you if you did
But sometimes it's nice knowing someone cares
Even when you don't need them to care
Even when you just need to lose your mind for a while
Losing your mind was hard enough, however
You gripped mine with your eyes
Splitting my body out of it
Having me do cartwheels just to attempt
To get it back
But somehow
You've still got it
And now you don't want it
You're just keeping it until you need me again
To keep your head up when you just need to fall apart
And I'll put you back together and send you on your way
Hoping, wishing nothing more than the thought that maybe this time you'll stay
But you won't
You can't
It’s true you don't know what's bad and what's good for you
But you keep me around so you can help yourself when you need it
Because you know that I'd find you at the end of the earth if I could simply put a smile on your face
But that'll only matter when the time comes
And I'm hoping it never does
But at the same time
I'm hoping I can see your face light up once again
Like it used to when all I'd have to do
Was intertwine your eyes and mine
And smile an "I love you."

"There's a light in you"
I am told
But i cant see it
I'm me
How could there be a spark in my soul
It was flushed out years ago
By the river
That flows through the unspoken
It goes beyond all thoughts
And it clogs my head when it stops
And it has stopped.
For it has been clogged
Ever since the light beside me left
Left to find a brighter light
To save her from what i gave her
Because darkness is all i am capable of giving
The color red is beyond the Vantablack layer of what ive become
Through the thoughts
The names
Through the faliure
Therefore my heart cannot be percieved as the color red
It blocks all light
And does not reflect
Not even hers
And the annoyance of not being able to unenvelope my soul from the darkness is why she left
Naïvely thought i could deal on my own
Since thats what i had done before
So maybe i could again.
But instead of getting better..
I have started thinking more rapidly and more frequently
"Maybe im better off dead"
Like a lamb on the edge of a cliff
Its just a step
Just an impulse decision to lock away your mind for the purpose of falling from that ledge..
It would save pain
From those who i would only ever and always accidentily give darkness to take with them
Just one second..
Thats all it takes..
To spread my wings and fly
But im tired of trying to fly anymore
Im tired of straining to keep my head above water
Im tired of waiting for a hand
Or a stick
To pull myself out of this with
Ive fallen so many times emotionally
I just want to know what it feels like..
To physically break instead of mentally
To bleed instead of..
think..
Think.
THINK
But it all comes down to that impulse decision
To give up or see the dawn..
But I've given up on the dawn.
Its just been so **** long since i saw even a shade of black lighter than this.
So i guess i know what my choice will be when that time comes along..
Im just so tired of falling without breaking..
So tired of healing..
Tired of being beaten and bruising
Without a single complaint.
Because with every thought
My soul drains..
And once its gone..
It wont anymore be a strain
To take another step.

I drive on a frontage road
Not knowing where I want to get off
Not knowing where I want to go.
I’m hurting so much emotionally
That it’s physically showing
I am among those
Who understand life
And take the on-ramp to the highway
While I wave as they fly by
I fear I’ll never have the courage to get on
The highway of life
For I prefer watching from the sidelines
Giving instead of taking
But I always hinder more than I help
No matter what lies I provide
To myself
To ease the hurricane that is my mind
I wonder, perhaps more than I should, how it would feel to disappear
Forever
Never to return to the highway
To simply take a turn off
And never return.
But these are still premature thoughts
And I’m cycling down the middle of these two lanes
Horns deafen me all around
Afraid it makes me
But the rush is more than worth the worry
After all
If they hit me, they wouldn't be at fault
It’s the cycle of life that strikes you every time
But this is no choice directional street
For this is a one way
You can’t go back
All you can do is continue to go forward
Or suddenly stop
But I won’t go that quietly
It’s my choice to, now, walk
Down this frontage road that never seems to stop
Now in the distance I see my destination
But I don’t hurry
I take my time
Since I know this is my last time.
The highway is much scarier than I thought
But I finally know my purpose
I finally know what my destiny is
Like all these others
Driving along
Laughing with their family
As though they’ve never had so much as a thought
Of a river of darkness flowing in your mind
Carrying you away from your normal path
Flowing
Choosing for you
Without consent
But how wildly it flows
How it makes you do things you’d never do
Think things you would never have the pleasure of thinking
Having tools to cope
That you, now, can't but hardly live without
But how beautiful the water is flowing underneath
Isn’t it?
Just flowing so gracefully
Reflecting the moon
And the stars
And the darkness of the night
It’s hard to see
But I can hear the sound
It calls me to the edge of the bridge
And I hear sirens in the background
They always tell you not to let others drag you down
And some have pulled over
Trying to hinder me as I have done to so many
And let so many hinder me so openly
So profound
But I’m done hindering whilst being hindered, myself
I’m removing myself from the equation
My darkness can now spread out of me
And into those who can flush it out
Since they have lights as stars do in their hearts
I hope forgiveness won’t be an issue
Even though I didn’t say goodbye as I fell
Someday after my inactivity I guess they’ll figure it out
That I finally said my secret goodbye
As breathing went from being to been
As air I could not breathe in
For there was water
And water alone
Under that blue, turned black sheet of water that I hit solid
So low under it
That I felt the bottom
And felt the blood whirl in my ears
For that was the last thing I could hear
Was the faded echoes of darkness
The taste of death in my esophagus
The sight of voices fading to oblivion into this river
For this is the only way out
Out of life that promises more than it can lend a hand
So I fell
And I fell
Into that different kind of highway
For I had no emotional struggle
Just simply
Breathed out
Drank
Strained
Drowned.
And I was suddenly at peace
Life unwound from me it’s arms
For finally I was independent
For finally
I was unbound.

The word friend is overused
In my experience, it’s the second most overused word
Right alongside the most: love
It seems we associate the word “friend” to just about everyone
In reality, however, a friend is one who cares
Who knows
Who understands
And who does their best to save another from the hell that is life
Therefore, friends should not cause another to feel abandoned
Alone in the darkest of nights
To fend for themselves when their life is so off balance that they can’t even stand
A friend, therefore, should not embarrass another
Should not gang up and call out another
Funny how people are so different in different settings
Its like being friends with three separate people
When one is true and the other two eat you up like a minnow
We have become a world of “friends”
Which, now, is almost in equivalent to the word “bully”
And they wonder why I don’t want to be their friend
They only care when I look like I'm falling down the deep end
And they'll only stop to question their “friendliness”
Until perhaps, not even after I'm dead.

I'm trapped in a song.
Our song.
Don’t you remember?
Or am I the only one who reminisces?
I've lost myself in you,
But when I look in your eyes,
I find myself again.
It’s a cycle of time that only continues to bend,
That throws my heart against the wall;
The beating shades of red.
I can’t help but realize you faked being lost in me.
You, instead, were just lost.
I fell for it though,
And you used it against me.
Cheated me into compassion,
As well as just cheated on me.
But you knew my roots,
For they dug deep.
You didn't give me time to detach.
You simply packed your heart up,
And stabbed me in the back.
You see, Anna, I'm lost in you because you stole a part of me,
And I wonder if I'll ever be able to get untangled
From your perfection, curves, angles.
I wonder if I'll ever be free.

I am hesitant to take steps..
Hesitant to look in the mirror
For a monster looks back..
And I am filled with fear..
It tells me to approach
But there’s a haze
Or a cloud of smoke
And I am lured in
As if a meal
And it snatches me up
But I can barely feel it’s touch
I have become so numb
Nothing I do changes the way it looks
I fix my eyebrows
Comb my hair
But the same image
Looks back
And stares..
I am hesitant to take steps
To away myself from it’s gaze
But it keeps my eyes focused..
Never letting me look away..
And I’m afraid
Of its look pushing my steps to a cage
For I'm afraid
That I will not be able to escape

It began with a word,
But you kept writing.
You wrote for all those who needed even just a single word,
To raise them—
To remind them that just maybe they weren't alone,
And yet, you gave more.
You provided hope.
It began with a light—
That maybe life was worth living since you had everything you could ever wish for,
But it was only a dream, wasn't it?
Some things you cannot simply recover from.
Some things need time,
And you needed time.
No one stopped for a second to think that maybe you needed a light too—
That you needed someone to help you up out of your abyss,
Because the abyss on you feeds,
Until eventually, you become no more than that which feeds.
It ended with the news.
A hope that once outshone stars,
Faded, and was lost.
It ended with a simple word of one running tongue—
That Chester Bennington simply was no longer there.
It’s a scary feeling—
To know in your soul that you shouldn't be here,
And it ended with a mindset of a village shouting into you that maybe you needn't be here,
Or so they say.
However, the ones who know the truth speak your words that you gave through your lyrics.
How can someone move on when such a magnificent light suddenly flickered out?
How can we move on?
The truth is we can't,
And they laugh at us for becoming more inspired through every song.
They say, “who cares if one more light goes out in a sky of a million stars?”
“Who cares if someone's time runs out if a moment is all we are?”
And as many will contemplate the answer to these questions,
There is and will be no hesitation in mine,
Because no matter how true it is how insignificant each of us are,
No matter how many people ask that stupid, simple question, "who cares?,"
I will, Chester—
I always will.

"Time flies"
They say.
We just stand here
And wait--
Wait for our world to change.
"Change is good"
They say.
It's how we become better--
Better than who we used to be--
As if we were never enough.
"Be yourself"
They say
Until they see behind our mask
Until they become afraid
Of our scars,
Of our darkness,
Of our unmasked face.
"Attention seeker"
They say
As if we can't be ourselves,
So we put on a mist.
We can't be ourselves because of the unspoken rules we break.
We can't show our true colors,
So we fake.
"Why don't you tell someone?"
They ask
As if they know how we feel at the end of the day--
As if it truly is that simple,
But they know nothing of reality.
"I'm okay"
We say
To get people off our backs,
To sit by ourselves,
To stand apart,
To allow them to remain blissfully ignorant
So that they will not be afraid.
And while we watch their spirits rise,
We fade a smile and close our eyes and dream of a place in which we cease to exist.
We can barely even survive
While so easily they seem to live
I can't keep from wondering how our lives would have been different if both of our "kind" were born separate.
We paint a picture in our minds that perhaps if we talked to people who could relate, we wouldn't be who we are today.
If we had peaceful nights where we could talk without being afraid,
Maybe we wouldn't hurt so badly,
Maybe we wouldn't have been called all those names,
But right when we feel invisible,
Right when we feel safe,
They **** us again: "Are you okay?"
Every time I hear those words a funny smile instinctly appears on my face.
A smile I have practiced in the mirror nightly.
I smile so innocent,
So pure,
Sometimes I fool even myself,
And as if the only reason I was made was to convince them I have no reason to lie,
My response never changes.

Why cant you save anyone?
We all are just so stubborn
As we cry out
But in the same moment
Hoping someone will rescue us
And hoping someone will let us down
Or just hoping that one person
That you want to care
Will finally step out and save you
Pretending no one else matters
Or that no one else cares
Because if that one person doesn't care
What’s the point?
And maybe I'm just delving only into myself
But the truth is
Even though there are more people
That are there for me than there has been before
The truth is
I have never felt so
Alone.

My face tingles
From how I feel
My body shaking
Is a result of my obvious fate
And nobody can save me
Nobody can save me.

Countless
I lie awake
Wondering
If I am afraid,
Hoping I’m not
Just another added shade
Of the darkness — forgetting
If I am only prolonging
Or if I should end it here,
Waiting for my time
As if the night will last forever
As if nothing else matters,
And I’m waiting,
But soon I won’t waste
Any more patience.
Soon I will
No longer

Exist.

It stung
In the shower
I wore two jackets
To cover
I slept in those jackets
I wore them in summer
So that no one could see
I was falling down the deep end
So that no one would pester
About my casual disaster
For, no one knew
How could they understand
The storm I was going through?
While the weather in their world
Was all bright and blue
Nothing in mine could make me feel
Until I became desperate
Until I could no longer resist the crave
And after I did it
After I gave in
I let it heal
But after remembering the names
After believing I was evil
I would get in another fight
With my mind
And when I would fight
I would write
With that funny red pen
Making sure to saver
To remember the rush
To remember the adrenaline
And somehow writing in this way
Cleared my head

And now, I wonder if it could again.

I bring out the worst in me.
Take a mental note—
I'm not where I should be.
I starve myself a little
So that I might find somebody
Through my physique,
Since nobody these days
Cares about personality.
You have to act like a fuckboi
To hold someone's attention
Longer than a frame.
Nobody cares about how much heart you have to give
If you're confident.
Even though you treat even your friends like ****,
As long as you've got a good face,
A good style,
A good vibe,
You're what they all like
As we cower beneath your feet
Bracing for each step you grind into our heartbeats
Because heart is all some of us have to give,
And it's hard to see the other 50% complain
When you know how much better
You could be treated
If you could only bring yourselves
To get past a ******* face.

Addicting it is
When the thoughts come in
Arriving each with a new, different hope
How appealing it is
To forget the void of emotion that became reality
And forget to remind my head not to get so carried away
For, it gets easier with every false hope
Not to jump so quickly after an untouchable illusion
Only to watch my hands drift through the air before me
Only to fall, and fall
Until fall I can no longer—
Until rock bottom is all that remains
I just want someone whom I can feel physically as well as emotionally
I want to truly live and breathe
Instead of polluting everything I see
With this cloud of darkness resting in me
I just want someone I can talk to
Tell stories with
Someone who I can fall for instead of just fall
I want…
But something inside is always there
Telling me I'll never be good enough,
Showing me the love in the world around me,
Mocking me,
Reminding me that nothing except the path I tread was made for me
Reminding me that I was made to be lonely.

I breathe the beauty of a sunset,
Watching the colors turn to grey.
When promises only seem to be broken,
A colorful sky drives me away.
I hid my heart inside my piano,
So that nobody else could throw me away.
I've lose sight of what I longed for;
I’ve lost sight of a brighter day.
But love was meant for you,
And I can’t help but feel used.
I'm feeling so betrayed;
I'm standing in the rain.
But for, love was meant for you--
It's funny how love can be so hurtful;
All around it's on display.
I wish that love could be more simple;
I wish you understood my pain.
But love was meant for you,
And I feel like a fool.
And I'm feeling so afraid,
For alone my life awaits,
When love was meant for you--
I close both eyes before shutting the window;
I close my eyes and fade away.
I can wander no longer in limbo,
So I'll close my eyes and fade away.

I don't care for dances much anymore
Because no one with in which I would dance
Would ever give me a regard
With greater height than
That of anyone else with in which
They would dance
Maybe I'm scared
Of the green light across the bay
Knowing that it will always be out of reach
But hoping that perhaps it will only evade my reach
If I don't make an effort
I'm caught on the tied end of a string
Always having to pull myself back
But never sitting still
Always running until the string has no more give
I just can't bring myself to dance
Not tonight
I need to walk the docks in my mind
Always stopping at the end
Paralyzed by the kryptonite
Shining like a lighthouse
Deceiving my heart
But I fall for it every time
And I rest on my knees
Forcing myself that I dare not look upon it
Forcing myself to stay and not take a stand
To not go out of my way to embarrass myself
And to not go out tonight and dance.

I'm losing my ******* mind
My ******* life
You haunt me
And I can't escape.
I'm tired of running
Tired of ******* losing
Just get out of my head
That I may sleep
Get out of my mind
That I may dream
I wish I was ******* gone
I can't pretend for you anymore
You don’t deserve it
You deserve nothing
But the pain you caused me
Why can't you ever be unhappy
You always find someone else
Some other way to torture me
And some days I don’t mind
The pain has become my home
Because pain is what you taught me
You're just so oblivious
So carefree
As if you wouldn't care if I was here at all
As if you didn’t even know me
So go ahead
Press your knife harder
Because I want you to see my eyes fade
While staring into yours
If I didn't care
I'd open doors that I've needed all my strength to keep closed before
But of course
How could I do that
When none of this pain is actually of your making?
It was just welded behind walls I never thought could be reopened
You're only the spark that lit up my fire
You're only a shade
Of an entire life of being left behind
I just need someone in which to set the blame
Because I can't handle knowing in my heart
That I am at the center of my problems
That I am unworthy of you
Stepping in a circle
Wanting you, hating you
Defending you, degrading you
Where each step is a new excuse
But soon I'll lose my balance
And fall on my own
Then I'll wait there
Until no one will have to deal with me
Any longer.

Do you not remember
What it was
To be each other’s
Am I all that’s left of us
Hanging onto the hope
That maybe I won't have to be alone
Much longer
Do you not remember
How it felt
Because even just sitting there
By your side
Was enough to cherish
Even though I could have held your hand
Or kissed you all through the night
But now sitting next to you
Is all I have left
And forgive me wishing
For you to come back
I feel so distant
So separated
We have gone from love
From first-kiss bliss
To no more than strangers
And I can't help but wish
We were anything but
I just want you back
If not in love than in friendship
Because for a while you were all I had
And now you're the only one of us left.

I’m hanging by a thread,
Letting the wind push my body as it will.
For I have no control.
My body is tattered.
My soul is shattered,
And I wait for the day when
I can rid myself of this form.
I’m tired of looking at myself wishing I wasn’t;
I’m tired of searching for reasons just to live and not let life take me away,
But at the same time,
I am tired of the embarrassment
To simply just be me.
I cannot stand for another second
To hear the echoes of “friendly” voices calling out to me—
Telling about everything I am
As if I didn’t already know.
And making my self-esteem go from hate
To loathe.
Perhaps it’s time I just left;
Perhaps it’s time I did something right
Because no matter where I am emotionally,
Suicide is always pushing through the heart of my mind.
So, tell me what I need to hear instead of want.
Tell me very simply that I will never be enough.
I’m waiting with a fist in each hand—
Indecisive about whether or not I should stay calm,
Or whether I should end it here—
Ready to beat myself until breathing is no longer an option.
Make me suffer, or I will
Because I’m tired of waiting for you to follow through.
Throw me against the wall,
Stab me with your words,
Tear out my heart
While intertwining your eyes with mine.
Because I’m tired of looking for a fresh, new start.
The very definition of my name is “joke,”
Make me live up to it.
Make me remember not to forget,
That suicide has always been my one and only friend
Because the word “goodbye” becomes even more tempting more often than nights.
I just wish I could see the looks on your faces after too far over the edge you decide to finally push.
So, make up your mind because I’ve made up mine—
Whether or not you want me here or push me so far
That you cannot lend a hand to save me anymore.
For, I’m hanging by no more than a thread,
And I’m beyond saving so don’t waste your time.
You’re left with a very simple choice instead:
Whether to cut the last string on this noose that holds me above this abyss,
Or leave me for dead.

You shine so bright,
And yet, you can't see it.
You hide beneath your skin
Holding tight, wondering
How much of yourself you have to give away
In order to shine.
I try to be there,
But I always seem to fail
When you need me most.
I can never show you how bright you are
Despite my efforts.
I just wish you could climb, tear, break
Out of the abyss that seems to have claimed you,
But you can't.
You're so tired of life—
So tired of being left alone
By everyone who ever thought of you
As even an acquaintance, let alone a friend.
And don’t get me wrong—
I am of that group.
I watched you struggle
Day by day,
And didn’t offer so much as a hand
To free you from your mind—
Your chains.
So, you tried on your own,
And believe me when I say:
‘I am so lucky
That you failed
So that you and I might see a brighter day.’
I just miss you, friend,
And I hope someday I can show you
That you aren’t alone.
And that if you need anything—
A.n.y.t.h.i.n.g—
I'll find a way
To save you
Without letting your mind
Remove from you your cowardice to fall—
Leaving you
To the abyss
That we are all bound—
Leaving you
Alone
To the inevitable.

In these moments I swear I've lost it—
Can't be pushed into any mood
Just a feeling of rage
Built inside by weeks of thought pressure
And a calm façade
That I can no longer fuel.
In these moments
I don't want to go quietly
I want to go violently
Broken bones
Shattered muscles
Scraped up scattered skin
Blood rolled out like my cup is too full to keep it in.
I need it out—
I need something out
Until my life is all but spent.
I can't hold on.
I can't keep boiling until I push my daring too far
In these moments.
Because in these moments
I don’t care if I'll come out alive.
In these moments
I want to die.

Faded memory
Of warm light
And entrancing laughter
And conversation
Desiccated,
Devoured
By rusty decisions and
Time,
Eroded by weeping skies,
Banished behind
Locked doors and
velvet curtains—
Folding into myself
To keep out the cold;
The silence left in place of
Muffled laughter,
Drowning,
Suffocating emptiness,
Dissolved by endless grey
When it seems
All these moving parts inside
Are yearning for an escape.
Will there be anybody around
When time takes hold
As my soul drags behind
Out of control,
Bound by friction
Sparking from the ground,
Withering away
Into less than a whisper—
Into a shallow, bloodied river
Taking shape from the *****
Carving the mountainside,
As the eyes that stare
Are blinded
By the despair
Of the clock inside
Drained of its force?
I want to feel happy days
Just once more
Before the trough
Sets the tide
For the last time.
The timer is set,
As my brain stem
Rooted from a seed
Planted
Thoughts with intentions
To undo me.
I’m a lone wolf,
As not I was
But forced to be—
As everyone eventually
All will leave.
For stardust we are,
And will return.
Why not sooner
Than Fate's watch predicted?
What is the point
If a universe vast
Sews insignificance
Into a soul gone astray?
A heartbeat of strain,
An aneurysm of suicide,
A fractured spine,
Of one
Attempting to be Atlas,
As the weight of the world
Collapses,
And nobody is there
To help bear the burden,
To offer a hand.
If to stardust we shall return
In this heat-death wave,
And if alone a life is spent,
The point is not;
It is all just a waste.
Empty spaces are buried
Eventually,
With the inevitability
Of our signs
Which used to have
Highs and lows,
That soon will cancel out
Into a plateau.
Hands creep to fists
Maniacally holding in
The impulse decision.
Terrified with rage,
On the brink of
An out of body escape,
Yet the universe in question remains.
A sky-bent feeling,
As nothing is certain,
And the dirt caves beneath,
Reminiscing in this moment
As the sky fades,
And the fall sets in
Before the break.
Is there anybody out there
Or am I alone
Again in this
Claustrophobic empty box
Lashing out?—
Giving way to the silence
With voices beckoning fists
Against the floor,
The walls.
My cross-eyed head
Tossed into insanity
Virtually proliferating palpability.
Alone fixating around
The point out there
In the stars
Staring down,
As the insignificance begins to ensue
From the audacity to look up,
When feeble heartbeats write
The bombshells battering.
In this eulogy,
I can escape.
For, the loss of one
Is enough to inspire many,
To briefly give rationality
Instead of insanity,
But turbulent tides
Ripple the shoreline
Of friends,
Of family
Gathered at a presence
Now gone
Into the deep
Of Mirkwood,
Where nothing is ever certain.
For, if the path is lost,
Never one
Can find it
Again
Is there anybody out there,
Or is it all a dream—
A simulation,
Or some shattered, harsh reality?
Nothing is certain—
Just bent on hermeneutics
And epistemology,
Wasting the nights and days
As time beelines away.
Hysteria eating the populous
On a sun-burnt earth,
Whose skin begins to drought
As the primary of the system,
The sun,
Begins its red giant phase
Cleaning the slate,
Without a doubt.
Shortening of breath,
There emerges a flame,
Burning all oxygen left
As every breath inevitably
Digs at one’s own grave.
This—
Is the way the world ends,
In an inflexible game
Of end times,
Of no escape.
In night terrors,
This new reality was forged—
The origins of the pain
And the fear
Caught by a thousand
Staring eyes
That used to understand,
And now are turned.
The nightmares
And this rage,
Throughout these years
I have held deep within,
Now depart from the hold
Because the strength I don’t have
To save them
From who I am anymore.
I am a Jinchuriki,
And this demon inside
Is slowly tearing through
Muscle and bones,
Exposing nerves.
I’m bleeding out
With nobody around
Because I can only speak
In euphemisms
To drown out
These signs,
So that I don’t have
To accept the gravity
Before the grave.
The fear swells underneath
As the skin
Becomes marred,
Eventually splitting
Apart
Into
An ‘existence’
That would make
That choice of word
A paradox.
This time,
The sky fades to black
As the loss
Of everything that
Could have been
Slips through my fingers
Like sand
In a hourglass
Ticking away
My last night.
In this room,
Not a lot it would take
To make anyone
Peel out of being tame,
Fill with poison,
Let out screams
That not even the best
Can fake.
With these walls,
Hallucinations take over
When I realize that
The ones I trusted
Put me here
In this place—
This white roomed
Institution.
All I love
Is out of my grasp,
Tormenting my failures
Through the bright light
Of the room,
As if they think
A physical light
Will transpose a mental one.
Is there anybody out there?
Because it won’t be long now
After this soul once admired,
Becomes lustered,
As the signs become chronic,
Philosophy becomes strained,
And the look of denial
Deep in the windows
That stare within
Are enough alone
To bury me;
Will anybody ever really stay?
It’s hard to wake up
From dreams that cast
Such a dark shadow
On even living here.
So I stay up all night
Because what’s the point
Of dreaming
When the only change
Is the calendar day,
When still,
Frames paint the past,
The straitjacket sews the facts,
And nothing’s fine.

There I saw you
Caught by that gaze—
Caught by those memories.
I can't help but feel like you want me back,
But I also can't help but know the truth.
You've got me running in circles,
Tracing my steps,
Trying to figure out which one of us
Made this mess.
I wake up every morning
With a resemblance of black eyes
Because **** it I can't escape you.
You've kept me up nights,
And rightfully so!
I just can't see past this cloud.
It's like I'm caught in a dream
With nowhere to turn—
With no escape route.
Thoughts of you always get past the firewall in my mind.
I don't know how you do it,
But as soon as I feel the need to get you out
I hear your breath,
Feel your tongue on my lips,
See you there when I was so petrified by your perfection
On that night when we first kissed—
****, I can't help but fall all over again.
As I flicker in the night,
With never more tired eyes,
I swear I see you,
And I wish for you every time I tell you to make a wish.
Here I am though—
Caught with your ghost
Even after a year apart—
Unable to avoid your coast when sailing our friendship.
I can't help but want you to want me;
I can't help but come back after I sail out to sea.
Now I hear you have found someone else,
And I'm happy.
I just can't help but rage my tears out
In jealousy.
We have taken so many turns in our relationship
That I don't know where we are headed anymore.
We are just trying to find solid ground,
While caught in a storm,
Lost at sea,
But I love the way you petrify me.
At least that’s what my wasted thoughts and dreams
Lead me to believe,
But once my heart and mind have sobered up
From these reminiscent day-dreams
I wonder if you wished you never met me at all—
That we simply sailed past each other,
Never to sail on the same relationship,
Just simply tread our path
With our own light to guide us
Until they flickered out,
Leaving us either to find a light from someone else
Or to be left alone
To be broken and beaten by life until there's nothing else—
Until there's nothing else.

The heart takes the blade
For kindness
And for hate.
The sun shines
A new day only
For one to fall
To his knees
And either break
Or pray
As a corpse will lie there
In the end
Either way.
Born on the edge of
A Yin-Yang
As her first words
To him
Were not of love,
But of hellfire and flame.
How can one love another
Who birthed something else
That day?
How can one call another
Mother
When she carves hopes
And dreams
And banishes them
Into dirt
To be washed away
By her rain
That prescribes guilt
Although blameless
And yet, blamed
While within five minutes,
As his ears: deafened
From the screaming voice he heard,
She says she loves him.
Is there any other irony—
Tell me—
That is more so absurd?

Should I fear the sunset
At daybreak?
Should I be numb?
Or should I gild a mask
And live out the rest
As though
Acknowledgement
Of the bell toll slipped
And pretend.

One day
Has through been marked
And life goes on.
No beginning
Can avoid the end
And certainly
Not one such as I,
I’m a piece of the puzzle
A star to blaze
In the night.

The only question on my mind--
Will that blaze carry on
Through the night sky
Careen through
And outshine
Andromeda,
For galaxies
From millions away
To be awe-inspired
And unite if only for a moment,
Or will it be snuffed out
Only to be left
In the memory of few.