everyday i pick myself apart for the most stupidest reasons but i feel that it is justified. everyday i feel closer to losing my sanity that i had spent years trying to put it together. everyday i feel a surge of disappointment filling me up. everyday i feel like i am the bane of my own existence. everyday, everyday i feel closer to just muting the problems.

as i dig deeper and try so hard to understand myself, i only find reasons to hate myself completely. why do i look like? why am i acting this way? why i am so pathetic to the point its so annoying. i have no reasons to act this way. i have a good life.

or so it seems because my brain is my mortal enemy and i cannot escape from it.

everyday i try to ground myself and everyday i feel closer to death and everyday i try to make myself happy by coping with various tv shows but everyday when i let my thoughts lose i seem to have lost.

everyday i try to find a meaning in everything and i feel so lost.

everyday is miserable.

how long more do we pretend to be friends? how long more must we dance around each other, pretending that we care?
how many more “how are you?” “i miss you” must i ask?
how many more times do i have to convinced myself that i care for you the same way you do.

i feel burdened by our lost friendship that was caused by me. i feel burdened because F said we are all still okay. are we though? the rest of you are okay, but not me. i feel too guilty being the absentee friend. i have left everyone (regretfully) and nothing has changed.

i feel burdened that our once blooming friendship went straight to hell because i was an absentee friend. i feel burdened because i still love you all dearly but my once bright persona has disappeared and i am nothing more than just a shell.

mostly, i feel sorry because i know i don’t deserve this friendship. the four of you are lovely. you are used to be my world.

sometimes i just feel so insignificant i can’t help but to bask in emptiness that’s dear to me. the loneliness which fills me whole: my friend.
sometimes i just feel so insignificant i can’t  help but to spiral into the deepest depth of hell, familiar and home.
all it takes are those sometimes before i too choose to go to the different end of my path; high and when i jump, consumed.

in loneliness, i was engulfed.
in delusions, i was embraced.
oh sweet mother of love, is pain all i will ever feel.
in this anguish - my life it seems.
pain - long gone, replaced with an emptiness i cannot place
“you’re overreacting” maybe so,
but doing it
all to compensate the invalidations i faced.

in solitude i believe, because nobody else seem to believe me
or is it my deluded mind that make me feel
all that i never faced.

this is confusing
my mind is a distant place
never seem to feel one with my body

i believe in solitude because i am so used to being thrown as a last option. even my closest friend wouldn’t place me as one. am i so bad of a friend? or am i just another thing for you to use until you get tired of it. i choose solitude just to be as far from hurt i usually feel.

this is confusing but this is right.

once again, i’m haunted by the littlest thoughts of failure. sometimes, i think that the universe had plans for me to be painfully alone. alone in every aspect of my god forsaken life. the life i didn’t choose to be alive in. the life where i’m filled with people at every corner but i’m just stuck ー and everyone else is moving. kinda like a still film.

once again, i’m haunted by the thoughts of living; painfully living to be exact. with no passion and no optimism, i’m surviving. but for who?

haunted in every brim of my life, taunted by the failures i failed to achieve as a living corpse.
haunted in every corner of my zero societal achievements.

haunted, my life begins and ends.

the lone star stood alone in the sky. the sky so big and vast it scared the lone star. why was it alone?where did the other stars went? the questions the star asks itself daily. the star felt suffocated at the thought of it being alone for an eternity, although the past nights felt eerily similar to an eternity. being alone did no good for the star. all the star could feel was trapped in its own mind, thoughts crushing it. mind - isolated and definitely not peaceful.

wishing and praying, the star asked for a night filled with its companions. for the sky to be plastered with other stars.

wish granted and the star had one of the best night for as long as it could remember. the companions disappear one by one and there it stood all alone.

heart twisting, gut wrenching.

could the star ask for one too many more nights to be filled with its companions? or would that be too selfish of the star?

nights, never seem more bitter than this. and all it could do was exist, alone.

(like any other nights)

i think of the days when everything is calm, peaceful and serene. i think of the days when everything is chaotic, disruptive and hurtful. but mostly, i think of the days when i’m just living motionlessly. where nothing significant really happens but my heart is aching - reminiscing the memories. the laughters i took for the granted. the smiles i took for granted. the happiness i took for granted but somewhere deep in me always knew that i was bound to feel this way for a long, long time.

motionless.
my life at a standstill while everyone else have their own parties of memories while i stand here - all alone.
bitterness swarm me but i can do nothing.

motionless.
my life it seems. everything in my life.

motionless.
where i’m meant to be.

spiralling down is probably one of the worst feelings ever, well atleast for me. you build a mindset that you are better and snap,

you fall back down. but the beauty in it is having people going through it with and supporting u endlessly; having passion - loving what you do and making it come alive.

except sometimes, you can’t find anyone or anything to make you feel alive again and it really hurts. the one tiny light at the end of tunnel you ignited , is all blurred and nothing matters.

so here i am trying to pick myself up but i've lost too many pieces of myself and i seek comfort in nothing and no one because i like loneliness just as much as i dislike it.

happiness, warmth and comfort is long gone.

solitude and loneliness are my friends.

but try i will because if i have one person who shows me that it's all worth, i guess it really is worth it.

isn't it sad? how we try, try our best to hold on to the hands of those who left? when we should have held on to those who stayed. but too bad, they too have left.

we, humans, are stupid. we are always trying to keep those who left when we should have open our eyes bigger and instead look at those who stayed.

stupid aren't we?