As I sat in a room full of hundreds,
   crying and shaking and remembering,
I fully realized that
I am not my pain...
I am not what happened to me...
I am not what she did to me...
I am more than my depression.
I am more than my suicide attempt.
I am more than my ******.
**I am still here.

do not date a girl
who writes.
she will internalize
everything,
carve poems
into your eyelashes
instead of
kissing them,

she will analyze you,
calculate age
from the rings
your coffee cup
leaves
instead of refilling it.

she will memorize
the way your
lips curl around steam,
but not that you
take it
two sugars,
no cream.

she will read your
palm instead of
holding it
against her chest.

she will not
blink
when you leave,
because she is
already
romanticizing it.

Sweat swallows my skin
Pain in my chest has burned for ten minutes straight
I cannot stop
One more
One more
One more
always one more sit up
Throw up one more time
Skip one more meal
I have loved boys with ******* addictions and girls who didn't even have the intention of remembering my name let alone be my friend
Yet, I still can't learn to love my body
As I look in the mirror
Salt soaked tears flow down my face
I pull at my skin like maybe if I pull hard enough it'll rip off
My brain is bashing against the side of my heads crying and screaming and begging me to stop
The same head tells me
I'm too heavy
Too big
Too wide
Too this
Too that
let me just say I'm ******* sick of being "too"
I'm ready to gain back my years I lost to calories
Gain back the hours of sleep I lost thinking about how much I ate
Gain back all the times I put myself down just to lose one more pound
I don't know how
But I'm through living in a world of "too"s and "one more"s

7 months
You held me like I was the only thing you needed in order to start living
7 kisses
On the first date, laughter was shoved so far down our throats, no one could remove that happiness if they tried
7 more weeks
Before the first "I love you" escaped from your cracked lips, in a whisper so quiet I was afraid your words would break in the air
7 hours
Laying with you, tangled limps, tracing the universe on your back, the pads of my fingers placed my world in your hands
7 dates missed
I guess I no longer existed because now you stand at a distance and I can't even hear your voice over the phone anymore
7 screaming fights
Swears across the room, hands in the air, tears hit the floor, while our love is getting torn at the seems and the corners are quickly folding in on us
7 feet
Away from me as I watched you look at her, I know that look because I used to get that look from the same pair of eyes that belong to you and are now looking at her. You're flashing a smile that could make planets separate and somehow I have to come to terms with the fact that smile no longer belongs to me.
7 minutes
How long you took to break my heart with tidal waves in my eyes as I'm on my knees begging you to stay. My lungs no longer remember the taste of air, my hands shake like they did the first time you looked at me. My lips no longer remember the taste of your kiss all I taste is acid from thinking about you touching her with the same hands you used to hold me.
7 months ago
You held me like I was the only thing you needed in order to start living
-A.R