I hope that one day in the future, we'll come across each other by chance (or maybe some twisted miracle).
I might have a doctor's appointment to attend, and you might be on your way home from a long day at work, but all of that will become irrelevant.
We'll go to that one hole-in-the-wall coffeshop that's almost a part of our daily routine, even though we're way too young to be addicted to caffeine.
We'll sit and catch up, and it won't be awkward in the slightest bit- it'll feel as though no time had passed at all. It'll seem as though you never had to leave, and take my heart with you.
It won't matter that you broke the promise you made me that one night. I had been vulnerable, and I told you about all the people I lost, and how I couldn't bear to lose you. You held me tight then, and told me not to worry- we'd always be in each other's lives. (I ended up losing you anyways.)
I'll have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming, because I spend so many of my nights lying awake and thinking about finding my way back to you one day, but there you would be, real and tangible and with me again. And God, I'd be so happy. You've always made me so happy.

you're such a precious gem.
I think it's so interesting that we might have lived our entire lives without knowing of each other's existence.
but some things are just meant to work out, I suppose.

this sounds like a love letter
but I promise it's not.

I know we're only internet friends and maybe our friendship would be completely different if we knew each other in real life.

maybe we wouldn't be friends at all.

and I know we're not the closest of people.
we both have our own friends, and other people that enjoy our presence. other people that we can call or text at almost any time of the day when we're upset and need to vent.

but that's alright.
I'm okay with the occasional good morning and good night and "I hope you're doing alright" text messages.

just knowing you're out there, somewhere, living your life and smiling and thinking of me every so often is enough.

and I hope you know that I'm out there, somewhere, doing the same.

*******.
******* for not caring about me half as much as I care about you.
I'm becoming a cliché here,
and I know how much you hate those,
but you're my entire ******* universe.
and it hurts so much every time you choose her over me.
but I realize now that I'm not your priority.
I never was and I never will be.

oh darling. you never really
wanted to die. you just wanted
to silence the voices in your head, and get rid of the hollowness in your chest. you wanted to **** all the pain you were enduring.
it's quite understandable- everyone understands what it's like to suffer (contrary to your belief,
you're not alone.
suffering is a basic part of human existence).
and sometimes, when you get to be in such a bad place, you're not able to remember anything else. all you can see, all you can think about, all you're surrounded by, is misery and sadness and heartache. and dying seems like the only way out of the endless cycle of negativity.
but emotions are a lot like energy- the kind you learn about science. feelings cannot be created nor destroyed,
only transferred.
so even if you finally gathered the courage to commit suicide, your sadness wouldn't disappear. you'd be passing it down to everyone that loved you, and sometimes even people you barely knew. everyone is affected in some way or another.
and while it seems like there are so many reasons to just die, there are
so many things to live for. the world is a beautiful place- humans just make everything complicated for no reason. but there are so many wondrous things that you have yet to experience. there's an entire universe out there- and if you killed yourself now, you'd never get to explore it.
losing you would not only mean losing your body, your soul, and your presence. it would mean losing all the hopes in dreams stored inside of you- both yours, and your parents' wishes for you. we'd be losing so much of the positive- you are not a negative. you have to understand that.
at least one person loves you, and to them, you're everything.
I need you to live, lovely. for me.

"she's a bad friend, just a heads up.
I know she seems really great
and fun and understanding.
she's like that, at first.
she'll be positive and friendly, and you'll feel like you can trust her with your most-prized possession.
you'll want to tell her things, even if you're not a very open person.
she has that effect on people.
after a while, though, she starts to seem rough around the edges.
she'll go through very dramatic
mood swings-
she's a bit like the weather in NYC.
sometimes she'll be cheerful
and she'll laugh at the most
random of things.
those times, she'll be like a fresh spring day, around 72 degrees.
other times, she'll be the most pessimistic person you know. it'll feel like she's draining the positivity right out of you. those times, she'll be like a bitter winter's day, below zero and freezing.
on occasion, she'll change
back and forth between those
two seasons in a day.
it'll get to be very tiring for you,
trying to keep up with her many moods and feelings and attitudes.
you won't really know how
to handle her.
and eventually, it'll feel like she's
not really handling you.
she won't talk to you as often as she used to. she wont know what's happening in your life anymore, and you won't be able to remember the last time she told you about anything happening in hers.
eventually, you'll be the only one putting effort into the relationship.
but you'll continue to see her with other friends, laughing and sharing inside jokes and telling stories.
and it'll be so painful for you, because you're technically
still friends with her- it's not like
you had a fall-out or anything.
things will just be different between you two. she'll be distant, and so will you.
eventually, you'll just stop trying
to talk to her. all you'll do is smile briefly at each other in the hallways, sometimes talk for a few minutes about classes.
and it'll almost seem like you're strangers again.
so if I were you, don't bother with her. find someone worthy of your time and love and affection."

Dear Future Me,
Please don’t forget to love.
It is by loving that we truly live.
Please don’t forget not to keep your heart locked up.
It is feeling everything that makes us human.
Please don't forget to dance.
It is the movement of freedom.
And lastly, please don't forget to smile.
For when you do, the world will smile with you.
Love, Current Me