I miss you quietly, sometimes,

no body shaking sobs
no gut wrenching agony.

just the memory of your smile,
and the smell of your hair,

haunting echoes of a life lived with you.

those are the dangerous days,

the days when my smile
doesn’t fade
at the mention of your name

windswept hair -

we drove until our eyes bled

from the hurricane of love

that came to us

when the mountains wept

and the sky glittered diamonds

on our daisy chain hearts

the stars shaking in their chambers

of midnight blue

there was us, my love

at the end of the yellow brick road

there is quivering love

We were strangers drifting
on a sea of chance

meetings in smoky clubs
hands slipped together like silk

stained coffee cups and sugar lumps
in my throat

and then the waves crashed
against our promises

of a future that was a double dare
to promise

we we taught as children how to dress, to walk, to smile

we were trained to be products, to be put out there for mass consumption

for men to pick, the pick of the bunch, they are after

a pretty smile, golden hair

in this fairytale, I am a rejected doll, tossed off a converbelt

I long to be made pretty,
dresses and curls

but men do not want a thing
to fix, they are not courting
challenges

I have searched, travelled oceans,
watched pink blossom fall from
a tree, sensing a way out

I pick my stitches out,
expose my seams, my cotton
heart

fall to the floor, in bits,
ready to be sown and made

new again

we kissed on rain soaked
street corners

as each droplet looked
like a crystal on the
concrete

and on your wet lips
I tasted the word

forever

After the rain fell
I fell sunshine trickle through my body

it’s yellow mouth swallowing me
whole

I became -

reckless

with secrets, with the hearts that
beat inside an other

I was released from the suffering
of a slow death my drowning

and I didn’t care who
felt the blunt
of it

Rain is the language of love
and I am soaked down to my skin,
my dress sticking to me like a second skin,
flesh heart, ripped out and drowned,
a heart that has grown roots
around you

Oh, unnecessary beauty
that twists like the waves
of a deep blue ocean,
rushing to shore
to cover a stretch of sand
with it's white foam,
only for the coast to bend
like the elbow of a lover
encasing the sleeping head
of his sweetheart,
indecent, unnecessary beauty.
It is in the fall of rain
on a hot summer's day
arrogantly waiting for the rainbow

Red nails between stained teeth
Biting.

Orange wool skirts that scratch thighs
Itching.

Yellow youth that sits, back arced like a cat
Wasting.

Green fingers that grow roses and vegetables
Watching.

Blue lips that kiss cold mouths
Freezing.

Indigo jeans that fade in sunlight
Warming.

Violet eyes that flash with goodbyes
Leaving.

I was prey to him,
fighting against his bare
teeth, white and diamond -
like

I was less than a jewel,
less than a girl bending
under the quiver of
his sharp nailed fingers

the arch of his back
stretching out
above me

I am frozen solid,
an iced over lake
somewhere between
two mountains

I do not thaw at his
touch, I am winter -
set, swallowing salt

that rises to the top of
an ocean, a blue mass
spreading

covering the Earth,
and me, wet with
regret

shaking below his
chest, consumed
by his cigarette
stenched kiss

his thunderous hands,
holding me to
ransom

when I look God in the eyes

I want to have the courage
to tell him that he has
the whole thing wrong

for I will look in your eyes

and know that I did not
have to die to reach

Heaven

There is not beauty in everything,
a sunset can be spoiled by snow,

yet there is wonder in the
insignificant raindrop,

that hits my window at 4am,
stirring me from a nightmare

into a reckless daydream

I drank from your cup of love
like a child, idle with thirst,

the taste of forever swirled in my throat,

words that once formed there,
turned to white foam at the corners
of my mouth,

my heart sank deeper into my chest
at your fickle touch,

cemented there, caged there,

and I knew I would never be free
from this reckless lover’s command

I would follow wherever it lead,
happily

wild with longing and
that first promised taste of

forever

I remember the colour of the leaves
in that first Autumn when I learnt to walk again,
a ghost turning opaque amongst the reds and oranges.
a flower growing from the dirt, newly fed and watered.
scared of blossoming, still, yet turning her face towards the sun,
taking the air into her lungs, mouthful by mouthful,
taking on the sky, bite by tentative bite.

Red and white checks

concealing sec
- rets

grass blades irritating

bare thighs

fingers trace a pattern on them

marking my flesh in ways I don’t

understand

yet know too well

the pencil draws higher and higher

until it reaches

my centre

yet I am off balance

and the world is spinning around me

clouds dancing across the sky

the sun piercing my eyes

yet still I stare at it

too scared to break the gaze

and return back to my body where

blood is simmering below

but never boiling over

never exposing

never letting anyone else

in on

- it

lips sealed

terrified for the day the locks get

broken

I used to think
that writing
released my pain
and my shame

but all it does
it make it real

glaring back it me
inky black
on crisp white sheets of paper
that my pen
should never have
tarnished

I don’t even know
what release looks like

but I know I don’t want it
to look back
at me

like a reflection of words

the war
she fought
against the
mirror

ceased

when she
saw herself
reflected in
your

eyes

lost souls,
they called us

but we weren’t

we were just navigating the
impossible

walking with splintered spines
on quicksand

but our hearts had found themselves
thrown together in the chaos

we used each other’s eyes
for mirrors

as reflections of our
souls

The tendrils of your heart
wrap around me like barbed
wire,

puncturing the pale skin
that shields my bones like
a sheet,

some half hearted ghost
that knows the secrets of
near death.

I have been there before,
tangled in tubes, belly full
of Aspirin, blood thinning

in a hospital bed. Shackled
by secrets, a blunt knife
beneath a filthy pillow.

I have looked into the eyes of God
and found them to be merely
mirrors of

my sin

Looking in your eyes
fills me with nothing but regret

this meeting of hearts,
bleeding and bruised

beaten and burnt

love is nothing but a memory, now

tainted by time,
I thought I could twist

that first kiss, that first touch

scattered ashes of passion, now spent
fated tragedy, misspent youth

a spiral of sorrow
that will never see tomorrow

looking in your eyes

is as holy as any religion

and I shall worship at this temple

until the day I die

just remember
what you’re seeing
what you’re feeling
what you’re hearing

it is the beat of love

and I, my steps
quick and frantic
hold all the I see
I feel
I hear

in the palm of my hand
like a bird
temporarily caged
about to be set

free

She comes
into my room
like fire

a flame
thrown
into the
path of
a nightmare

like the
sun reflected
in the eyes
of water

shaking
walls

black sheets
burning

the smell
of stray
hairs that
have abanded
me

during the
night

You fall away from me
like snow melting from a tree branch

we are both, bare again

I am no longer holding out my hand
to catch you

to free the words from my throat
to tell you to stay

I can tolerate the loneliness

I will live in my head -
an entire world of imagination

where I am not stung by wasps
disguised as lovers

reality has left me with burns so disfiguring
I daren’t look in a mirror

in fantasy, my skin is new and unmarked
my heart is still pure and capable
of pumping blood to every part of my body

I will not miss you
but I will learn from you

to make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes

I have broken the bars
and shackles of
faith

in a world
where repentance
is everywhere

and the fear
of God makes
prisoners of
us all

I am counting down the days
until I can see you again

each square on the calendar
a gift to open, springing
longing from the present
into the future  

as we draw nearer to a time
where we can hold hands
and gaze out across the river

its shimmering blue surface
as perfect as if it were painted
and us, painted too

lovers entwined
in a sweet embrace
hands and lips
and eyes locking
tight

a blissful reunion
of the heart

Teach me
the contours
of your
body
and I shall
memorise
them
and find
you again

a rib cage is a prison for the heart

it’s intentions of protection
are misguided

caged - like its name - away
from the touch of a human hand,
cold and separated from warmth

so, as with any lonely thing -  
it turns pale, grey, and withers away

until there is nothing left to protect
in the first place

You wore a ring on every finger

and I wondered how it felt
in summer, when your fingers swelled

precious metals digging into your flesh

and I thought that

maybe it was a punishment
for the ring you no longer wore

maybe he is the fire of the sun
burning the skin of your fingers,

the spot that was pale white for so long

so that you never forget

I am
sleeping in the
graveyard
where I buried
you

living in a
body without
a heart that’s
whole

breathing with lungs
coated in the tar from
your cigarettes

a constant memory
of you, taking me back
with every exhale

I said goodbye
yet still, you live
inside of me

in every *****
and drop of
blood

on every inch
of skin, each
hair

your grave
swarms as your
bones reform

and I cannot
rest in
peace

London glows with pre-dawn light,

I roll my cigarettes next to the river
and stretch my limbs out towards the sun,

I cannot get warm,
my bones ache with longing,
and there is a hunger in my stomach
that no amount of pills or food can fill,

the dull ache of depression is a familiar friend,
yet it is really the relationship of a parasite and its host,

and I am so tired of being bled dry,
of having the life ****** out of me by
the angry mouth of this monster,

whilst time keeps slipping away,
as I smoke and watch the water
ripple, moving further and further away
from me

Standing on the river bank,
looking down into the murky ripples of time,
ebbing away from me as I stare deeper,
I crunch leaves beneath my feet,
their brown and orange skin separates and sticks to the soles of my shoes,
a surprisingly strong autumn sun warms my face
and my heart,
a rare scene of peace and tranquillity
that soothes my soul
a moment of calm to contrast the
chaos in my mind,
and my spirit lifts into the sky,
at one with the unseen stars

We ran from our homes
like a flood

Our limbs burning
as the pavement
fades under our
feet

From city
to city
we move

Like a shadow
creeping out
to reach

The sea

there is a sense of longing
a sense that you do not quite fit in

anywhere

that you have no home
no roots

you are wandering in a forest
of indifference

the world hostile faces of
the strangers that you meet

with wild, frightened eyes

yet you do not run

you stand firm
and plant your roots

where you are

starting from scratch

a beautiful mosaic
of chaos

and fire

This is where
our idle walking
ends

the crunch of
winter leaves
beneath our boots

stops

we reach a kissing
gate that tells us
we're in

memory

when our thoughts
met with kindness

soft whispers
in the soil

hearts planted
so deeply that
even the storms
do not shake them

one of our hands
reaching for the
other, to touch,
to bruise

scratching, crawling
out from the Earth
like a dead
thing

utterly mad
but strangely
beautiful

even a dying rose
has the lingering sense
of being something beautiful

does a broken heart
have the lingering sense
of being whole?

Without sunlight you cannot grow a seed

yet I stand here, feet planted firmly on the ground

grass underfoot, unweeded and beautiful because of it

I do not need to lean towards some far flung favour of yellow

paint, precisely drawn across the sky

when I can feel the roots of ancient trees beneath my feet

the rejected apples that turn wasps wild with drink

I can eat rotten fruit until my mouth turns sour

bitter, bitterness, so often mistaken as a flaw in character

yet it is the only leg I have to stand on

and I shall not sink to my knees, quivering, for anyone

again

reluctant arms
are still arms
to run into

empty words
are still words
to fall
for

hollow love
is still love

heartless -

I am caving
in

I am myself whole,

no longer a fraction
of a second away
from fading

imagining an ocean
to stop my heart from
hammering

through my ribs,
bursting through
my chest

birthing something
unknown, unwanted
and caged

I am a timid bird but
nervous wings still
flutter, still fly

I am reaching into
the darkness,
arms outstretched,
eager, fearlessly
facing the future,

running blind

I trace
running rivers
with my feet,
around corners
and pockets
of rocks

I am
seeking you,
like a child
will endlessly
wait, watching
clouds turn into
faces that
they recognise

under the sun,
my body burns
without you,
against barren
wastelands and
scorched earth,
I pound, foot
fall, after foot
fall, racing rivers
to reach you
first

I crave
to sing
my sadness
to sleep

suffocate it
with my
pillow

they tell me that
it's chemical

or that everyone
is sad

I am a child
in a summer
dress

a young girl
smeared in sugar
white powder clinging
to the edges of
my mouth

burn it
bury it

another pill?

go sit in
black chairs

and tell your
deepest
darkest
secrets

to a kind stranger
sitting opposite
you

take a train
take a plane

walk, stamp, squash
it into the smouldering
street

some people so like
the smell of
molten tarmac

as it sticks
to the soles
of shoes

an imprint
a remnant

a ghost

Sadness lines these walls
the way that dust
lines the corners
of books you bought
when you had a
hunger for words,

now, the act of reading
them, smooth
as their covers,
effortlessly slipping
through your mind,

I am not my sadness,
I say, over and over
like a heartbeat,
a belief so vital
to my life as
the clenching of
that *****

and yet
and yet

I am sad

I have never felt quite as alive

as I do when your handprint covers my heart

containing and calming
its frightened bird beating

to a gentle rhythm of

safe, now

safe

there were words that never
passed our lips

but that our hearts would beat out
the rhythm of every single time

our fingers brushed together

at every single embrace and stolen kiss

for every morning spent sharing
our dreams over coffee

just because we didn’t say it
doesn’t mean we felt it any less

Your mouth is wild;

teeth like jagged rocks,
cliffs that I must climb
to crawl inside

of you

the sea is senseless,
salt scattering
dreams

in segments

we must master
the waves if
we are

to swim

our survival dependent
on something deviant
an echo of

the past

we are all surfing
our secrets, serving
the part of us

that hides

your tongue as
temptation, Cyanine
spiked kisses

and I

in sync with
the ocean,
sailing blind

You can break
my skin with your
teeth and let
the blood sink
in like a gentle
whisper of love
across an open
sea

I hear his footsteps
Feel his breath on my neck
Hear him whisper in my ear
He is beauty and magic
and glitter.
But this is just fiction,
this is just hopeful longing,
this is me
not knowing what
I did wrong,
or how to fix it.

My world tilts towards you, always
In the cracks between our two realities
In the corner of the mirror, that reflects back my True Self
You are not whole, right now, still moulding into the shape of the boy I love
Yet, this mailable, weak, shifting form
In which you’ve shown yourself to me tonight,
is enough to make me weep

I’m fond of you, he said

in the way that small children
are fond of building castles
out of sand

that will slip through
your fingers at
the slightest touch

I was happy, though
to think that someone
could be “fond” of me

giddy, gleeful, grateful

I would trade my
solid stone walls
to live in a castle
made of sand

with a man
who was fond
(but not in love)

slipping through
my fingers
as soon as
we touched