I believed you every time
like a child might believe that they're safe

(untouchable)

as long as their parents are
in sight

But I am no longer a child

(because of you)

and I should have learnt by now
that I can't stem the tide's consumption
of everything we've built

(our glass grain castle)

with a memory of a kinder time
and a polaroid

My lungs spread themselves
like sand, filled with hot air,
pulsing and pink, fluttering
like butterfly wings

the white ripples of wind
beat down on me,
the sun, yellow hot, and
smiling

my heart is too huge
for this earth, a clenched
fist, red and beating

against the waves that
crash against my skin
like the sky

I try to rise

and find

that I cannot

Words, put together
on strings, made to look
like pearls

instead they're drops
of blood, bits of ourselves
that tell, like fingerprints
that show up under
certain light

we let it seep
through the curtains,
as we wait for each
other to wake

our nails
clawing, digging, sinking
into each others flesh

lightly
tracing the red
stutters that
appear

the smell
of iron rising through
our bodies as

they spread

Words, put together
on strings, made to look
like pearls

instead they're drops
of blood, bits of ourselves
that tell, like fingerprints
that show up under
certain light

we let it seep
through the curtains,
as we wait for each
other to wake

our nails
clawing, digging, sinking
into each others flesh

lightly
tracing the red
stutters that
appear

we forget about
the taste of
iron, the smell
of it rising through
our bodies as

they spread

When I was young
I believed that love
was this magical force
that would save me

and now I’ve spent
my entire adult life
trying to save love

You said my scar
was a line that lead you
directly to my heart

(and I sighed)

because scar tissue
has no memory
and can never lead you
back to me again

I carry the weight
of the things you did to me
- in my heart
it swells and pulses with pain
no matter how much
I beg it to pulse with passion

I can’t even find the strength
to hate you as much as I hate
- myself
I spend every minute
trying to unpick the stitches
and let the wounds bleed
into words

to find my voice in the darkness
but they stick in my throat
- like stones
and I remain
silent

You see scars
instead of stories,
histories weaved and stitched
half healed, still tingling with shame,

fragile ribbons tied together by my teeth,
pulled tight against the darkest night,
when midnight was a threat, and sunrise
an aching promise that I might forget,

so, see scars if that’s all
you can see,
but I now honour the stories
within me

My battle scars
are words

once whispered into
an idle ear

a poor piece of
history

left scattered at
the entrance of

love

scars are stories
with next chapters

they are not
the final lines

they do not mean
you’ve reached
the end of the book

I will not repent
for these scars
on my skin

a battle journal
of a war
I fought
hard to
win

I am marked
by life

unashamedly
growing blossom
from these
silver branches

I will not beg
for acceptance
for my being

I will simply
be

Scar tissue is
ageless
but my skin
has seen a
thousand
sunsets
when sleep
eludes me
and the monsters
that fester
underneath
the silver slithers
of time
burst free

Your mouth circles mine
hunting for the wildness that grows
like a vine in my throat
your jagged teeth cut into my tongue and you take what you find,
like a scavenger
a vile of blood, licked from my lips
the corner of a smile, burnt heart
the bread and bones of me

You are
the ****
on my
shoe

that doesn’t
even deserve
the respect

of being picked
up off the ground

Where the land splits between us
the sea wears your name like a bell,
ringing, ringing out to me, I come
grabbed at the navel, by the sound of
your syllables, you are here now,
you are everywhere, the heat in the
sun, the prickle of air against
my neck, we share a cigarette
you don’t smoke, do you?
you will smoke like a forest fire
burning out slowly, across acres
of scorched land, you grab me
by the ankles, like a hand from underneath
the bed, that nightmare that we all share,
that monster we’re too old to believe in
we believe in it now

He is, within me
hollowed and hoarse
as the sand creeps
grain, by grain into our shoes
a molecule, they call it
a moment.

we left the ***** lights of the city.
for what? to blossom, to bloom
as if we were mere buds and yet
we are already older.

as the waves roar, like thunder
lapping the shore.

We stood on a deserted beach on a freezing January night,
staring at the waves as they ebbed and flowed,
they seemed so infinite,
as if they would never stop their gentle rhythm,

and we -
we…

the skin of our love was cracking violently apart,
as if we had been lying under the sun
with no protection, for years

(maybe we had)

there were no words to soothe the burns,
no actions to undo the damage

we had - split

back into two separate people,
instead of consuming one identity,
and maybe that was best,
because two hearts, two brains, four lungs…
in one entity…
you are sure to burst at the seams…

if only green leaves, stayed green
flowers stayed in full bloom
and the autumn of our lives
didn't chase us down
until we tired, and collapsed
into submission

but we must make peace
with the seasons of our lives
for each can heal us
each can free us
each can save us

with rain there is cleansing
with brown leaves, you can crush hate in your hand
with snow, everything becomes pure again

embrace the changing year
before it falls into silence

I’m old enough to understand
why the seasons of my life must pass
the way they do,

Spring came bursting
with daffodil promise,
and the cries of lambs
signifying rebirth,

Summer was messy;
mistakes were made in love,
men that didn’t deserve
to call themselves men,
scorching black rings
around my heart,

Autumn was best;
as I shed the burnt orange leaves
of pain and left myself bare
to the elements, standing strong
and proud. Unshakable.

I approach the winter of my life
with apprehension; though I am not
afraid to die. I will enjoy the snow,
the sound as it is crushed underfoot.
I will reflect on my loves and losses,
for I have had my share of both,
and enter the last breath of my life
with no regrets

In Spring we dreamed of
flowers, yellows and oranges
and fresh grass, green
with envy for the
Summer

We held hands and
kissed along beaches
whispering secrets
against sunsets
on sand that burnt
the spaces between
our toes

It's November now
and we don't look
at each other,
our backs pressed
together, the outline
of our misery
blazing, racing the
flames of the
bonfire

I was dreading the winter,
the stale smell of Christmas fairies
that have lived in the attic
all year

I knew that if you left
then
I wouldn't follow you
out into the snow

I cling my arms
around your shoulders
like tinsel, draped
and static, falling
flecks of colour

I couldn't think
of a present so
instead I wrapped
myself, tight,
against the frost
that threatened
our future

swallowed down
all the things you did
that made my skin
scream, forgave
myself for drifting
away from you
and decided
to stay

by your side

as you poured whiskey
into the expensive glasses
we were saving

(not the cheap ones
we smashed against
walls)

touched drinks

and sat

with my head fitting
(a little too tightly)
into the crook
of your arm

I think to myself, keep to myself
the secrets of sea-
water

ninety-nine percent salt
that covers a black-iced road

so that the cars don't slip and sway
like a tree branch, robbed of its leaves

I retain fluid, absorb every ounce, every morsel of memory

I nearly drowned once, my lungs
filled like a petrol tank, ten dollars

a gallon. I swirled down, down
to the ocean floor

a message in a blue bottle passed me,
containing a love plea

I plea, with the sea
let me go

let me walk on the sand again,
let me bury my feet in

glass. The sea answered me.
Spat me out like the pip of an apple

the core that no-one dare eat but the
strange boy who sits alone

in hand me down clothes, with
rope burnt wrists

I walk the sand again,
dragging my heals

burying my face, crying sea-
water

a near miss,
a boy eating an apple core

the sea wall stretching out
like an arm

in the morning. The secrets of sea-
water

buried in the sand

and in a second
there was nothing

not even a star
between you and I

and standing on the precipice
of making the biggest mistake
of my life

a love letter written in fire

across a midnight sky

daughters of the moon

hands locked -
the brightest constellation

a secret that only the stars can tell

Stars know the secrets that I bury
in daylight

seeping through their cages at
midnight

they’re stardust now
scattered across the night sky

all the words I swallowed down so deep
afraid to ever give them a voice

and I finally see that they are not dark
and shameful

but beautiful

so thank you, stars
for taking the darkest parts of my soul
and giving them light
giving them a space in the infinite sky

for allowing me to see that I need not hold words in my throat till they burn

they can burn bright in the sky
instead

Our sins, our secrets
those creatures that
fester beneath the
covers of our
bed

are visible from space.

If having sin made me
more desirable to you,
I would leap into
every wooden
box

and tell my deepest, darkest
secrets. To be laid out in
front God. Naked and
vulnerable, withering like
a rat trapped in a cat's
mouth

But I know that it
wouldn't be enough
to make you plant
your roots at my
feet

I am full of sin,
I am bloated with secrets,
my rib cage snapping,
sharp shards of bone
penetrating my heart

I bleed open, I bleed out,
and as I'm dying I wonder why
I was no match for the sins
that grew in you

sometimes

the only thing that matters

is that your heart

beats against my ear

and sometimes

the only thing that helps

me thrive

are the seeds of love

you plated in my soul

growing from the roots

of passion

climbing around your body

like Actinidia

entwined until we become

one flesh

one blood

one bone

At the beginning we were separate entities, two bodies walking home as the sun rose. Dancing till five on cheap cider and rancid wine.

We took breakfast in a ***** cafe, the kind where the coffee is bitter and there's a filthy spoon in the sugar bowl. Where there's an ashtray on every table despite a smoking ban.

You took my hand in yours as we left, and I made myself small enough to fit inside that stern grip, moulded myself like a glove around your long fingers.

When I look back, I remember the smell of tulips, a sweetness hung in the air. I rooted myself into you. I dug down until the core of the Earth shuddered beneath me.

Once planted, you watered me, weeded me. Cut out the diseased leaves that stunted me. I grew at your command. Tall, like a prize winning sunflower. The yellow petals of Spring, awakening.

You'd smoke in the morning and talk softly. A throwaway comment of there being no God. I didn't believe you. For I had held God in my mouth as we kissed, relished the taste of the forbidden fruit on your tongue.

Yes. I believed. In a God that you didn't but I felt when you touched me, softly, the folds of our flesh meeting, our two bodies, our seperate entities becoming

one

I am sure I saw you once
before

at a bus stop, your mouth hanging down to the

ground

rain splashing at your feet, puddles growing like

secrets that are kept close for decades, only to burst

open when the dam cracks
when the heart

cracks

open, we are books to be ideally flicked through

numbered pages and squint to see words

words, I think in words now
testing the weight of them

in my mouth. I know the words
that hurt

the words that heal

I am healing myself, a poem blowing through an open

window

late nights hiding with a flashlight, pouring myself

into paragraphs

I am sure I saw you once
before

but the moment passed and
I crept away

sunk myself into the streets like a brick tied

to a body that walks into a
river, eyes closed

drunk on death dreams,
white eyes roll

backwards. Back to the start. Adulthood shedding itself

as the skin wrinkles

I am sure I saw you once
before

but I kept my heart clutched
behind my teeth

and opened wide for
no-one

Lay with me,
between the sand
and the sea

weave my hair
between your fingers,
in time to the wind

kiss me, as if Monday's
don't exist

and we will make sense of
this senselessness

this one's for September's sadness
splintered floors and splashes
of chemicals
that the doctor prescribed,
that you're not sure work
but are too scared to argue,
sweep your sadness into a clinical hug,
caress it like a dumb lover,
for it cannot speak aloud,
only yell inside your head
screaming banshees in the night,
thirty days, and thirty pills
and a bottle of *****,
September's sadness has an end
it cries out under blue lights
and sirens...

Shame twists like a serpent
in my stomach

absorbing every bit of nourishment
I try to give my body

I am left weak -
and desperate

for air

to breathe without weight on my lungs
to taste air that isn’t poisoned

but the serpent grows,
restricting every breath

until I am clinging onto life
with my fingernails
seconds away from

slipping

I didn’t ask for forever,

but you spat the word back
in my face like a startled serpent,

as if my carefully calculated movements
spelled out the letters you were too afraid to hear

now, in the wilderness of your heart,

you find the box that contains my face,
and scrub it off, like graffiti,

all because a word echoed in your ear
that was never dared uttered

aloud

and I think I could settle

for the here and now

if it weren’t for feeling my bones break

under the weight of carrying

the promise of

forever

I took your hair
and brushed it into a long plait

thick, strawberry blonde curls
tamed, for a moment

until gravity made them fall
back into my hand, again

I asked you to paint thick black lines
under your eyes

framing a brilliant, deep ocean
of youth

I was painfully aware that my own
were natural

framing a tired, green lake
of misery

I did this

hoping that you wouldn’t realise
I was trying to turn back the clock

by turning you into a shadow of a girl
I met when I was seventeen

and thought I loved,
thought I loved,

until my heart got crushed...

Across the pillow,
I stare at your sleeping
skin, wondering if it
will full todays
hunger

memories linger like
fingerprints on my skin

a reflection in the mirror
echoes back to late nights

spent cradling a whiskey
bottle and twirling a brightly

lit cigarette

they whisper in my dreams
haunting the silence with

screams

every moment shadowed
by the ghost of you

Do not compare me to a summer’s day

for I am a storm

incoming

ready to consume everything in my path

your heart included

I am not subtle, sweet or warm

I am fierce, loud, overwhelming

I will devour your

soul

and leave it singing only

for me

The only thing left
to come between us
is the ocean,
white waves arching
like naked backs,
drenched rocks
shining in dim
sunlight, sharks
chasing the scent
of blood that streams
from the hole in my...
where your fish hook
pulled my heart
straight out

you took me away
from the wildest places,

the war torn home
of my childhood,
the sweat soaked digs
of my student days,

making sure I would be thankful to you,
making sure I knew I had a debt to pay,
making sure I could never leave you,

but forced gratitude without love is just slavery
and I am no longer a woman in chains,

I dared to shatter the bars of decency,
of what everything and everyone told me
was right (or wrong)

and live - arms wide and free,
taking flight into the night sky
to leave my imprint amongst the stars,

shattered, but whole

I have shattered love
every time is was close enough
to touch

my heart, rented out to anyone
who could fill it

just for a second

just for a minute to not  
feel the emptiness

that lingers in the pit of my stomach

like the last leaf of Autumn,
clings desperately to the branch
of a bare tree

but love left no time to linger

it ran like water
between my fingers

until the puddle of heartbreak
was deep enough to drown in

I have shattered the bars of love
that have caged me all my life

each lover burning scars into my heart

their promises of love shining
like stars in my eyes

their gentle words of kindness
like a noose around my neck

and I hung myself with that rope

every time
another came into my life

but no longer will I be confined
by fake words

and fraudulent hearts

I will stand on my own two feet
and thrive like a root planted
in the ground

blooming into something
beautiful

It was the lifeline
you offered,
that the idiot
in me cling to,
despite myself,

like a drowning
man clings
to a rope,

thrown out
in the hope
of saving
a life,

only the lips
of my heart
closed around
it like a mouth,

shoved it down
deep, like a shot
of whiskey downed
at midnight,

your alcohol
stained breathe
soft against my
neck,

but I am not
drowning, no,
I am treading
water, always,

I will be treading
water until another
comes along,

with harsh hands
and cruel words,

you see the ribs
around my heart
were built to shatter,

and you are too
kind to break
my bones

I saw her
in a crack
of light

a shard
of broken
mirror

I am the
flames of Hell
burning

up, combusting
into ash

only footprints
of where she
stood

only echoes
of where she
laughed

only half
a person

a shell
without
a soul

she is woman
standing before you
without armour
to shield her from
your stares

you think
she is powerless
but her voice
will rise like
smoke from
the ashes

and wrap
around your
throat until
you cannot
breathe

do not
underestimate
the strength
of a woman
who has
stripped herself
down to the
bone

for the world
to witness

I am sure -
certain
that you buried
your head into
the hot sand
and now I am
kissing glass
each night -
running my fingers
through a million
splinters of hair
burned black at
the root -
dead as
the dandelions
you plucked -
when I fold
my hands into
the cotton of
my pillow -
when I scream
with pleasure
or call your
name -
I am only
an ocean,
an island short
of ship -
wrecked

I am my mother's daughter,
counting coins, making piles
of nickels and dimes
we think in green, adorned
paper. Made out of trees
whose roots are planted into
our hearts, as crucial
as the valves, veins
and arteries of our ancestors.
I do not remember ever
shedding a single leave,
yet autumn comes to us
all, diseased and old,
young and healthy,
we are two ends of a
spectrum that collapses
at the sheer mass of
miracles it births,
Oak, silver birch, willow
ash... we are two women,
making ends meet, feeding
our men before ourselves.
We do not feel the weight
of wealth, saving every cent,
but our hearts are full and
their strings can be pulled
as tightly as our purses

there is something sinful
in the way I look at you
a temptation to devour
that is basic need
basic greed
I do not wish to look at you like that
but I can’t help myself
your hair that catches sunlight
in the same way a city catches the light
on a sleepy, spring morning
your eyes that to look in,
is too look into the ocean
as dark and infinite and wild
I may be sinful with
my cornered eyed glances
but I think my intentions are pure
in that I only wish to hold you
and call you home

they whisper to me at night,
the voiceless, Godless ones

electricity shoots through me,
the current ricochets between my spine

dead winter flowers waiting for the Spring,
growing again in the April rain

and when the water hits
this compressed bolt of lightning,

these voices too, shall sing again

sins cast
like shadows
skulking in
corners
waiting to
pounce on
unsuspecting souls
we are the
undergrowth
of a forest
earth deep
with secrets
and the sound
of the voiceless
ones