Sometimes I sit around wondering.
Wondering where the time went.
It feels like just yesterday I was a little kid wishing to be older.
Today I'm older and regretting ever wishing those things.
I miss waking up each morning loving going to school and loving who I was.
Today I'm sitting here crying about everything. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm crying about.
I just feel sad.
I never used to be sad. I never used to feel this way.
If I went back my younger self would be so disappointed.
They would be mad, angry.
I would yell at me and ask why I've done what I've done.
And to be honest I would yell back.
Because when you're a kid the world is such a great place but as you grow up the fairy tales stop and things start to really ****.
And sometimes you do things to cope with the world.
Because you can't change it. You can't make the change you want to see because everything that we hope for or wish for is nothing but a dream.
A dream that no longer lives. A dream that I personally, don't dream about any more.
Because I've lost all hope.

You make fun of me, call me fat, mock me all day.
But then, you tell me you love me.
Well, news flash.
Thats. Not. Love.
Your words have actually driven me to become depressed.
Its nights like tonight when I truly think I hate you.
But yet if I told you I were depressed you would be mad.
You would yell at me and tell me how great I have things.
And thats really not what anyone in my condition wants to hear.
So I guess I will suffer in silence until you finally realize how much pain I am in.
And how much pain you are causing me.

I hate that you hate me.
I hate that I cant be what you want.
I hate that you don't realize the pain you cause me.
I hate that you pretend that we are a perfect family.
I hate that you laugh everything off and never listen to me.
I hate the way you make me feel.

Why is it we cant choose our family?
Why do we have to learn to love them?
Why cant we choose them like we do our friends?

I cant love someone who doesn't love me.

I ****. You said it yourself.

I hate that you pretend that you didn't say it.
I hate that you dont feel guilty for being a bad parent.

What about me?
What about my happiness?
What about my life?

I hate that you don't listen to me, or accept who I am.
Because it makes it even harder for me to do that when my own mother cant.

So stop thinking about yourself.
And realize that your daughter needs help.

Im suicidal and you cant even tell.
What does that say about how much you care?
Or how much you even love me?


**Do you even love me?

It hurts because I know no matter how I word it you will never understand what that moment mean't to me.
You will never truly grasp how much I need you, or how much I think about you.
You will never see that I am, and will always be in love with you.
And this will all happen because I am not gifted enough.
I cant put my thoughts into words and because of this you will never know.
When I see you my mind goes blank, I cant speak.
So im sorry that you will never know how I feel about you.
But to be honest you probably dont care what I feel.
Do I ever even cross your mind?

again, today, you yelled at me.
and every time i try and brush it off.
i try and act like what you say doesnt effect me.
that what you say doesnt matter.
but it will always matter, as much as i dont want it too.
because you raised me and i guess all ill ever do is try to be what you want.
you said that if i didnt get my **** together i would never do anything with my life
and that if i made mistakes that it would be unacceptable,
and that i would never recover from it.
its almost like you dont see the marks on my arm.
its like you are ignoring the pain you are giving me and you continue to yell.
you yell and act like im what you used to be.
and i hope to god thats not true because i want nothing to do with you.
you may be my mom but you will never be someone i trust, look up to, or like.
i hate to say this, but ive tried to put these feelings off so many times.
ive tried giving her 2nd, 6th, 20th more chances but she doesnt stop.
whenever i do something good, she barely says anything.
but when i mess up.... when i mess up... the yelling starts.
and the cuts get deeper.
but you dont notice, because all you do is keep yelling.

sometimes i wish i was alone.
completely and utterly alone.
i wish i didn't have to worry about anyone or anything.
i want to be in charge of my own life.
as awful as it might sound i dont want to have a family.
i want to do what i want, when i want.
it seems nice, ya know?
not having to worry or fend for anyone but yourself?
no need to worry about grades because your parents wont yell at you.
i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted.
i have this dumb fantasy...
that one day i will be in a cafe, snow falling outside.
i would be sitting at a little table, drinking a cup of tea, reading a book.
and a cute boy will come up to me and we would just start talking.
no worries, no family, just us, no one else.
i know, its dumb, but its just my mind.
i guess id like to imagine that if i didn't have a family i could do all of this.
its just that sometimes the people we really love are the ones who hold us back the most.
and im tired of being held back, im tired of living my ordinary life.
i hate watching these tv shows because it makes me sad.
all of these people have such interesting lives.
being bit by a wolf, dating someone who your parents disapprove of, going off to magical lands where you never grow up, shrinking to the size of a mouse, fighting bad guys and saving mankind...  
it just seems like a live a normal life.
nothing ever happens and i feel like its because of my family.
they hold me back and prevent me from having fun, or seeking out adventure.
i want to live the life i want to live.
so im going to do dumb things, make mistakes, read, write, drink, go to parties and live my life. because im sick of people telling my how to live my life.

1 Big blue and white one, 2 small oval yellow ones, and 1 small round blue one.
Take once a day with or without food.

At the young age of just 16 years old I take more medications than an elderly woman in an old age home. My mom even briefly considered getting me one of those pill boxes that have the days of the week printed on them... yeah... it's that bad.
Since I was a young kid I've been shoved into more therapist's offices than I can count and had more tests done on me than a lab rat.
ADD, ADHD, and an Anxiety Disorder are just a few of my many problems.
I take my meds every day. 365 days.
Seeing as though I am a teenager however, sometimes I forget to take these little pills. And my parents are the first ones to remind me of their importance and necessary role in my life.
When I'm off my meds I can never tell whether I'm more myself or if that volatile creature only appears in the absence of a medication that I take everyday.
In some ways I feel that my medications numb my humanity and force me to be predictable and emotionless. But I also know that I can't do a lot of the things I love to do without them.
So, my fellow poets, I ask you a question:
Is the tragedy of losing myself in a great abyss of nothingness worth being able to focus in class or stand in large groups of people without having a panic attack?

i guess its nice every once in a while
but really its not
because a dream is just a dream, and at some point you have to wake up
you have to leave the ideas and that happy place only to be put back into reality.
and that really *****.
because personally i hate reality.
and i hate every single person i have met there.
except, for you.
so thats why i did the things i did,
because given the chance to live in reality but be dreaming... id take it.
and you may not understand this but i am trying to say something.
sometimes its ok to break the rules and do something bad.
its whats gotten me this far.
so keep daydreaming, but when that gets old get creative.
go places and do things you never thought you would do.

What hurts the most is not so much your absence from my life, but your memory.
What scares me the most is that you will forget about me.
About the memories we shared; and the laughs we had.
Constantly wondering if our late night conversations meant anything to you.
In all my years I’ve learned not to trust anyone; so don’t forget when I let you in.
Ive never felt this way before.
What I wonder about most is if you will leave and never look back.
If you will graduate, and just like that forget everything that happened here.
Because once you’re gone I don’t even know if ill ever see you again.
No one understands though; because I feel things differently.
Because my weirdness and craziness isn’t just a show; it’s me.
I wont ever forget you and I don’t know if that’s just my memory or if its love.
What scares me the most is that you hate it here so much that I am just a phase.
To just help you get through.
But to me, you are so much more.
You are the last thing on my mind before I go to bed and the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
Seeing your face makes me want to go to chapel, sit down dinner, and study hall.
Because you. You are so much more to me than you will ever know.
And to think that you can just forget about me in an instant scares me more than anything.
So lets make these memories last forever.
Lets do stupid things and talk to each other until midnight.
Because all that matters to me is you.
And im too young to know if that’s love or what; but I don’t want to forget.
Everyone is leaving; all my friends and now you.
And what really ***** is there is nothing I can do about it.
No matter how much I love you, or reminisce on these memories your leaving.
And im staying here; walking on these paths for the next 3 years.
What am I supposed to do when you leave?
I don’t know yet to be honest.
Right now it seems impossible; but ive been through more then you know.
Moving on seems to always be a reoccurring struggle in my life.
So hopefully ill move on; but how is that possible?
How can I move on when every little thing reminds me of you?
Every class I go to, every chair I sit in, every sit down dinner I go to… so many things.
And yet I probably only cross your mind when you glance at me through a window.
I smile not because I am happy but in hopes that you will fall for my smile as hard as I fell for yours.
Every motion I make, every sound I say is all for you.
So how can I possibly move on?
How can I possibly try and live life without you?  
And that’s why it hurts the most.
Because when you leave I can only hope that you don’t forget.
Forget us.
Because I think… I think I love you.
From now until my last breath its you and no one else.
So please. Don’t let our memories fade.
Don’t let us go.

Today I realized something unlike anything I have ever felt before.
That I am deeply, unconditionally in love with you.
but something happened.
You left,
and whats worse is that I didn't stop you.
I let you leave, and just like that you walked out of my life.
I spent the last minutes we had together acting as if nothing was going to change.
and thats the worst feeling. That i just wasted those last minutes we had.
Because to me; we had just gotten to know each other and you leaving wasnt an option.
It didnt seem real, I put it off till the last minute.
And thats what hurts the most. That I wasted the time we had.
I dont know what I am to you, but know that I love you.
I didnt know the feeling before today but now I do.
I didnt realize what I had and now your gone.
You got on that plane and I wont ever see you again.
The fact that I will never see that goofy smile or those blue eyes ever again.
And that you will soon forget the color of my eyes.
I wasted so much time thinking, and not enough time acting.
So dont do what I did. Don't lose that person.
Because I honestly dont know if I will ever find someone like this again.
And one day I promise we will meet again.  And I will tell you how I have always felt about you.
I wont forget the memories we shared. So please dont forget me.
I will love you forever.

to me... a person can only have one true moment of absolute clarity in their lifetime.
it may differ on how old you are when it occurs
or how old you are when you realize that was the moment.
but the clarity remains the same.
the voices, the sounds, the silences.
its all crystal clear.
for me, that moment was one to cry over; to sob over; to hate.
but im proud of that moment, im proud of what it made me.
i hope that your moment is one to laugh over; smile about and enjoy.
i hope. that you. are more fortunate then i was.
im sorry if its not. im sorry if your moment was like mine.
but whats important to remember is who was there.
because the people in that moment, they should matter the most.
it almost feels like a supernatural power... to remember something in such vivid detail.
its amazing to think that it was 2 years ago.
so try to make every moment an amazing moment; an amazing memory.
because the moment you remember forever. should never define you.
you aren't what you remember, or what you messed up.
you arent your regrets, or your bad days.
you are who you choose to be.
so make every moment count, and every moment matter.
so that way when your'e stuck with a moment....
at least it will be better then mine.

sometimes a parent is willing to anything for their child, except let them be themselves.
im not smart, im not mannerly, im not anything you want me to be.
and thats okay with me, just not with you.
no matter how many teachers, tutors, or medications you get me i am just me.
and im sorry if thats not good enough for you.
but ive realized i cant change, and thats ok.
because even though i will never reach your standards, im happy.
im content on living the life that God has planned for me.
not the life that you are trying to force on me.
so im sorry i will never be the perfect child you wanted,
im sorry i **** up and make mistakes,
im sorry im human and that im not what you wanted.
i can see the look in your eyes.
that "were not mad, just disappointed" look.
and when i was younger, i hated that look.
but now that look is nothing but a normal look.
im sorry im not what you wanted,
im sorry i **** up and make mistakes,
im sorry im human and that im not what you want.

I miss the rain.
Running around and laughing because the puddles
Made our white clothes see through
But in that moment we didn’t give a single ****.
Because in that moment I swear I was infinite.
We were all. Infinite.  
The smiles on our faces were so big and so real.
The tennis courts were soaked and the clay ran from one corner to the other.
We ran around those courts like little children, holding hands and screaming with joy.
Its so amazing how well I remember that day.
It feels like a movie I watched on repeat for 100 years.
Just like that the image is crystal clear.
Every moment, every second of our summer I can replay in mind.
Because every minute with you is like a fairytale.
And why remember reality when there are fairytales.
Singing, painting nails, golf, music.
Every minute, every beat we all missed.
When we messed up no one made fun of the other.
Because in our minds the artist got the lyrics wrong, not us.
The dances were stupid and fun and full of laughter
No one ever hated the other because we are friends.
And real friends don’t judge one another.
The worst part of this though is sometimes I think I wont find anyone like you.
No matter how hard try; it will always be destiny that brought us together.
We don’t need alcohol or drugs to have fun.  
We just need each other.
Because every day is a new adventure with you guys and ill love you forever.
Walks on the beach, staring at the hot lifeguards…
it all seems fake, like it was to good to be true.
But the rain.
Thats what I remember most.
Because even on the saddest and cloudliest days of all days we had fun.
We took the earth for what it was and accepted it; we loved it.  
Thunder shook the clouds above us.
And we began to laugh even louder because in that moment death wasn’t an option.
We enjoyed the rain, almost more then the sun.
If the sun shined every day wouldn’t you get bored?
Wouldn’t you want to feel the rain on your skin?
At that moment; we were invincible; we were one with the rain.  
Summer 2o13

Losing you cant be fixed with Ben and Jerry's or any number of Coldplay songs.
But still I sit here and listen to sad songs, and reblog for hours on end.
Because tumblr seems to know me better then anyone in reality.
I guess I like listening to these songs because they share the same experiences as me.
And I guess I'm too scared to find other people in my life who share the same problems.
I swear to God, Ben Rector and I have twin lives.
When I hear these songs I almost forget about everything else.
When A Heart Breaks might just be my life story.
I could rant on about my favorite artists but it wouldn't be worth it.
But I wont.
I will end with this: No matter how much a girl tries to forget something she cant, no matter how hard she tries. Because what happened, mattered. And all she can do is hope that it mattered to you. Because you cant forget something that mattered.

she lies in bed
curled in a ball with her face in a pillow.
her beautiful eyes are red and puffy, coated with water
the tears stream down her face.
and she thinks awful things
things that no girl her age should ever think of
but she does, and it only makes the tears roll down her face faster
she has so many problems, but no one knows
her parents are downstairs fighting
her brother died last year,
every night suicide becomes less and less of an idea and more reality.
the cuts on her arms become deeper and deeper
but no one knows because no one seems to care.
she lies in bed.
alone, sad, feeling like nothing
how could life get any worse?
the next day her mother is diagnosed with cancer
she lies in bed that night, crying
tears rolling down her face because her mom only has 3 months to live
her father becomes an abusive alcoholic
she lies in bed
crying, bruises on her face, scars on her arms,
and yet no one knows
because no one seems to care.
that night a little girl committed suicide.
and yet no one seems to notice
because no one seems to care.
that night a little girl was released from the terrors of life.
she joined her mother and brother
and the tears stopped.

Do you know the feeling when you see someone and your heart literally sinks to your stomach?
When suddenly your mind goes blank and your heart races?
When all you can think about before going to sleep is them?
And the first thing on your mind when you wake up is them?
What is this called?
Honestly, I need your help.
I see this one guy all the time and this always happens.
When this one person is all you can ever think about.
Is is love?
Or is it just a dumb high school crush that I should get over?
I read over our old texts and smile realizing how much we talked.
but now we dont talk at all and I feel like im a burden to you.
But I know you have feelings for me.
You may not know what they are yet or how strong they are; but I do.
And I wish you would just realize.
I wish you would remember that im here, and that i love talking to you.
So do you love me, do you even want to talk to me anymore?
Cause I will always want to talk to you.

i sit quietly at the kitchen counter, watching spongebob
i was 10 years old then.
in the next room my parents are fighting with my brother.
they yell, and scream.
i raise my hands to my ears to try and block the noise.
but i couldnt.
my mom tackles my brother to the ground, screaming.
tears streamed down my face and i run.
i ran into my bedroom and crawled under the bed.
but no one came.
i could still hear them screaming.
yelling
they kicked him out of the house.
i cried, and cried, and cried.
but still, no one came.
because. no one cared.
i lied under my bed, hands over my ears, tears rolling down my face.
trying to remember the happy times we spent as a family.
but i couldnt.
i couldnt take them anymore.
i ran outside and up the road.
i ran until my feet couldnt carry me any longer.
and when i finally stopped i sat under a tree.
i listened to the crickets and the trees blowing in the wind.
the night breeze was cold, i wish i had brought a blanket.
but i needed to sleep and it was a place where things were finally silent.
so i slept under that tree, and no one searched for me, because no one cared.
the next morning i woke up.
the sun was shining.
it was a new day.

Every time I pass that corner I think of you.
I think that once you pass that corner, May. 26th,  that that’s it.
The school, and everyone in it will become nothing.  
Nothing but a distant memory that you want to escape.
Because even though this place means so much to me, it means nothing to you.
We haven’t talked in a while, and I miss that.
But I don’t want to be annoying and say something first.
I want to feel like I mean something to you, like you want to talk to me.
But now. Now I think I was never anything.
Once you leave this place will you even remember my name?
Because ill remember yours forever.  
I don’t want you to leave, but you’re counting down the days so I guess ill help.
Because that’s all I can do.
All I can do is sit by and watch as the days narrow down and you walk out on us.
On all we had, and all we went through.
Because to me those 10 days we spent together was the best adventure I’ve ever had.
But to you, it was just getting community service hours.  
Every morning I struggled to get out of bed, to make the choice to live.
But then I thought of seeing your smiling face and that.
That very image got me through my first year and will get me through everything.
Until that face and that smile turns that corner.
That’s the worst part. Not knowing what I am to you.
I’d like to think im more then just a dumb freshman but I know im not.
So please.
All I ask is that you remember my name.
Just my ******* name.
Because to get my hopes up, well… they would only be crushed later.
So please. Please. Just remember my name when you turn that corner.
Because that corner is so much more then a corner.
It, along with many other things is a constant reminder of you.
So please. Just my name.

So maybe I built walls.
Around my heart; around my feelings.
But when your entire life crumbles before your eyes.
When you lose everything except for your own life...
You dont want it to happen again.
So I built walls, and I'm sorry that you cant break them.
But thats the point.
Because I've learned to trust no one but myself.
When I let you in, my walls weren't tall enough.
You climbed over them, and intruded on my heart.
Now, some might say, that they are too tall.
But I disagree.
Because when everything is taken from you, except your own life...
You wont let it happen again.
Because if it does, I know I wont make it out alive.

"You're smile's adorable."
His cheeks always get bright red when I tell him that.
"You're beautiful."
I always smile when he says that...

I want so badly to be able to hold him close to me.
I want so badly to kiss him when he gets down on himself.
I want so badly to hug him when he's alone.
But I cant. Because he's so far away.

So I'll wait until the day when we can finally be together.
Because he's worth the distance, yet he doesn't even know it.
So I'll wait until the day when I can hold him and tell him how wrong he is.
Because he's worth every bit of this pain and hurt.
So I'll wait until the day when I can say to his face "I love you."

Because love waits. Love exists. Love hurts.
But most importantly, love is worth fighting for.

They say that cuts and bruises fade but scars remain.
But even the scars eventually fade... So is there anything that lasts?
How about a tattoo?
I want my flesh inked with your name because you are me.
Your life is mine and your story is now mine to share.
Is it bad that I want that legacy to live on? No.
So when I turn 18, I will get one.
My parents say they will take me out of their will if I do, but I dont care.
What I care about is you and legacy.
I want to share your story. I want to share our story.

Can you honestly tell me, right now, that you dont have feelings for me?
Could you look me in the eyes and tell me that you dont get butterflies when you see me?
Because I couldn't.
If you asked me, I would tell you the truth.
I dont love you, I dont know what this is.
Im trying to move on, but you are clinging to that girl.
And I wish you wouldn't, because she's a senior and one day she will leave.
And you will stay here. Heartbroken.
And by that time I will have moved on.
I will have forgotten about you and how you made me feel.
I hope that you realize how much I love you, and how much I need you.